Ask James: Domestic strife is interfering with my World Cup!

Publish one missive and offer one piece of friendly advice and all of a sudden you’re in demand. I’m always in demand, admittedly due to the fact that my advice usually will lead you to become truly DOMINANT. Still, it sounds like this is a serious problem that only THE BIG BRAND can help with, and seeing as he asked so nicely, it would be churlish not to assist:

Hi James,

You seem to be a pretty knowledgeable guy, especially when it comes to geography. And yes, I do mean that kind of geography. So I thought I’d come to you for advice.

You see, my wife is a pretty reasonable lady, but very occasionally she fails to see that it’s important for me to lie in bed while I watch you DOMINATE Georgians on ITV. I’ve warned her that any intimations that I should do some housework before the final whistle will result in reduced dire consequences, to no avail.

How do I get her off my back, and stay on mine? As you know, complete focus is really important at a time like this, so I really need your help.

Yours truly,
Eugene Ouistreham

Well Eugene, you’ve certainly come to the right place, as not only am I as unstoppable as an oil tanker on the pitch, but also slicker than the Exxon Valdez off it.

Before we start, I have to say that I am pleased to see your dedication to complete focus. Back in my younger days, before I properly understood DOMINATION, I was known for being a touch wayward, but since then I have come to accept that for full DOMINATION you need to be as focused as mine and Paul Doran-Jones’ video camera during our cinema days.

With regards to your domestic arrangements, I find that a direct approach will benefit you in this situation. Firstly, wait until she starts nagging at you, then stand up, flex your guns and say in your most intimidating voice:

“WOMAN. I AM MAN. THIS IS THE RUGBY WORLD CUP. THIS IS ESSENTIAL. NOW, TAKE YOUR CURSED TONGUE AND MAKE ME A FULL ENGLISH BREAKFAST AND DON’T SKIMP ON THE BACON”

If performed correctly this will have the little shrew scuttling through to the kitchen to prepare a repast fit for watching me in my full glory while I utterly DOMINATE Romania on the weekend.

If this fails, then there is a plan B. Set your alarm for half an hour early, wake her up and treat her to a prolonged session of Bedroom DOMINATION. She’ll be walking funny afterwards, but this shouldn’t impede her breakfast making abilities.

I am a touch disappointed that you let this situation come to this (really, man, grow a pair, we gave up a rib after all), but the situation is not irretrievable.

Hope this helps,

James.

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