Not The Honey Badger Diaries (I)

badger

December 13th, 2012

Dear Di-ar-ree-a!

Haaaaaa! Cop that for a thigh-slapper for starters! Quade gave me that little beaut. Reckoned he read it on someone’s laptop.

Fair dinkum, when I heard that the Ponce – that’s what we call him, Hask, the prancin’ pumped-up full-of-himself showpony, he’d have to be a ponce, wouldn’t he? Try to tackle the prick and you slip off on account of all the Johnson’s Baby Oil? And the plum in his mouth? And not always his own plum? See where I’m comin’ from? – so when I heard he had his own internet blog – you’ve heard of this internet thingamee? The outer-fuckin’-space thing full of sheilas with their tits out and stuff?

Anyways, I hadn’t heard of it in me travels, not once. I mean, fuck me, Honey Badgers aren’t into that wanky stuff. Like, Honey Badgers just go one-on-one against male lions and who’s up for a couple of kilos of lion mince anyone? Phawwwww. The old y-fronts are under a bit of pressure here, folks.

It was Dingo Deans that pointed me in the direction of this internet thingamee. He goes, like in that weird accent he’s got, just like Danny Carter and Ruchie? – like it sounds like ‘Strayian only you gotta screw your ears up to work out what they’re sayin’? So Dingo goes to me, “Hey, Badger, the Ponce has got an internet blog set up and he wants you to contribute to it”. And I went, “Aw, fair suck, Dingo, speak ‘Strayian!” It took Diggers Ioane to give me the drill. Diggers was born in En Zed so he gets their lingo. Plus he’s got a few Samoan corpuscles and a heap of them weird tatts which probably helps. Thank Christ he does all Dingo’s translating for the squad or – fuck me! – we’d be running in meats from all over the paddock every week!

So I whipped out me lead pencil, and AAC goes, “Put it away, Badger, you don’t flop it out in public”. And I go, “Aw, get one up yer, Two-Dads!”

Fuckin’ Two-Dads. Fer cryin’ out loud. Ace bloke – if he’d pop the pill out the back door to me once in a while when I’m screamin’ for it he’d be top-shelf – but you know what? The bastard’s descended from royalty? Lah-dee-dah manners – gets out of the team bath for a leak, goes outside to fart! I mean, what’s a rugby dressing room for? To splash ’round in yer mates’ wee and gas the shit out of each other with SBDs! Little Willy Genia? Christ, he can pass one quicker than he passes the pill. The last place you want yer locker’s next to Gasser Genia. If there was a World Championship for SBDs, Willy’d leave ‘em all for deadus. That’s Latin. Kurtley told me it and he went to a Catholic school so he oughta know.

Anyways, Two-Dads gives me a biro. Licked the end of the thing like I always do me trusty old Staedtler HB and the fucker wouldn’t write no more. Plus I got a blue tongue. Which reminds me, ever seen a Honey Badger claw the canastas off a Blue Tongue Lizard? Phawwwwwwwwww. Getting the tent of all tents in the old y-fronts now, folks, I’m here to tell ya.

So there I am with nothing to write with and up pops Big Kev Horwill. Great bloke, Kev, for a Queenslander, ‘cept he’s stupider than your average one on account of he’s a gi-normous cunt so his head’s closer to the sun? Like it’s cooked his brain? Anyways, Kev gives me a crayon. He’d finished writing his name on his hand ’cause he’s always forgettin’ it. Plus Kev reckoned the Ponce writes with crayons and Kev reckoned he’d be tickled at the tribute like?

So anyways, here I am, crayon in me mitt. What can I tell yers?

Ah! Yeah. Little fat Benny Robinson – jeez, are props as thick as pigshit or what? Benny reckoned there was some sort of tournament goin’ on this weekend up north, the Heineken Cup, and did I reckon could Saints bounce back against Ulster? “What? In Queensland?”, I went. Benny went, “Nah, further north!”. Fuckin’ props! There’s nothin’ further north than Queensland!

And what else can I tell yers?

Um …

Jeez, I better knock off now. Me brain’s startin’ to hurt.

Cheers, see yers next time, and may all yer meats be fat ones!

The Badger

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952 Responses to Not The Honey Badger Diaries (I)

  1. In the past, our dos have actually been quite good fun. However, we’ve had a ludicrous churn rate of staff and new upper management are utter wankers. There’s a hideous blame culture and everyone seems to hate everyone else.

    It’s fucking depressing, really.

  2. Chekhovian says:

    We had our divisional Xmas drinks last night – our sales guys booked the venue, and predictably chose some hole of a club down on Embankment. They were there pissing it up from about half 3, while us squares in editorial had to stay in the office until half 5 doing actual work. So we rock up at 6 to this terrible basement place where I couldn’t hear myself think or talk to anyone. Lots of sales boys were already hammered, jumping up and down to abysmal music. I made my excuses after two minutes and met a few mates for a pint at the Red Lion on Whitehall. Much more civilised.

  3. HairBearHero says:

    I’ve rather enjoyed my Christmas do’s since I started this job. Last year we went over to the main do in the UK – hotel function room, subsidised bar, stay in the hotel afterwards – and it was tremendous fun. This year was just the Jersey lot + other halves on a Thursday, so was a bit more low-key – just went out for a really nice meal + a few drinks afterwards. Very enjoyable evening.

    Can understand why work do’s would be considered hell in some offices though.

  4. HairBearHero says:

    Basically, the Jersey situation in my company is pretty similar to Larry – 5 employees, we all get on very well, OHs are all very nice.

  5. killerline says:

    I think it’s the relentless Groundhog Day aspect of the end of the year I can’t stand.

    The Xmas meal/do at work, the insane humans trying to supershop for junk, having to travel in a throng of same insane humans to get to an Xmas meal I’d rather not attend…

    Knowing, full well, the exact same sequence is but 12 short months away.

    Stupid carpenter’s son…

  6. It does seem to be a bit strange at the moment. Half of you seem to have small workplaces where everyone gets on, and the other half seem to be working in places populated by utter dingbats. And loads of them too.

  7. sagmog says:

    I normally just take the boys and girls from the studio out to our favourite local for some food and booze at xmas.
    No idea what’s happening this year though, it being the first year of the freelance cooperative system.
    ‘Spose it means they all have to pay for their own food and booze, which is nice.

  8. To add to the cock up with us, the plan was to just serve up canapes- Upper Management trying to save some cash. However, it was then pointed out that morale is at rock bottom, so we’re getting a hog roast now, but it was too late because loads of people made alternative plans.

  9. killerline says:

    It does seem to be a bit strange at the moment. Half of you seem to have small workplaces where everyone gets on, and the other half seem to be working in places populated by utter dingbats. And loads of them too.

    I’m in an academic office. Take the strangeness you’re assuming and times it by 17.

  10. Chekhovian says:

    as long as I don’t get drunk-and-then-amorous in the direction or OR

    Take the gamble! A European city break or a swift beating from her boyfriend await!

  11. LarryMilne says:

    @Cat

    I used to work in a place, much smaller than this (boss plus one, for a long time, and I wasn’t the boss… there were mostly three of us though) where the boss and owner was an utter tyrant. And I mean tyrant. To the point where I’ve met people for the first time and, upon discovering they too had done time in this place, it’s like you’ve known one another for years. Insanity, the worst job in Britain that doesn’t involve black market slavery or the risk of death or serious injury for no reward – no joke.

    So, folks, don’t go work there…

  12. killerline says:

    Take the gamble! A European city break or a swift beating from her boyfriend await!

    Ah the old city break/boyfriend fight ratio.

    Oh to be young again…and also a robot.

  13. dermott says:

    The bliss of the self-employed freelancer. You get invites to everyone’s (for whom you’ve worked over the years) Christmas piss-ups. You know from experience which to avoid and which to attend. Best of all worlds really.

  14. LarryMilne says:

    Take the gamble! A European city break or a swift beating from her boyfriend await!

    I’ve no desire to upset the happy workplace or ruin a near decade-long relationship.

    Actually met the boyfriend very recently, at a dinner event for work. I went and sat at our table, she came sat down beside me, he sort of followed. Then, when some people we didn’t know joined the table, she introduced him as her bf, but used my name then got very flustered… whoops!

    Anyway, he’s a lovely bloke and, more importantly, so am I. OR is great but circumstances are what they are. And I’m not averse to having friends.

    However, my two longest-term girlfriends both had fellas when I met them, one of whom was a guy I knew a bit and who introduced me to the woman in question. But I’m not an asshole, didn’t pursue either of them guv’nor, I swears it (honestly, despite the above spin I’m clean on this, clean!).

  15. sagmog says:

    The bliss of the self-employed freelancer.

    Amen to that.
    The risk of starvation due to work drying up is worth it just to avoid the xmas party hell.

  16. I swears it (honestly, despite the above spin I’m clean on this, clean!).

    Save it for the judge, Milne.

  17. triskaidekaphobia says:

    My company (large US software company) avoids formal Xmas parties as they live in mortal fear of litigation if someone gets tanked up on free booze and something awful happens and they sue saying “it was your fault for giving me all that free drink”. Well, at least that’s the theory – it also allows them to be cheap too.

    As I work from home anyway – the “staff Xmas party” is usually me taking my wife out to dinner.

    Actually, I was at a very nice beer tasting in a local pub last night – 12 beers (not full bottle or anything) (well, 11 I missed one somewhere) finishing up with Courage Imperial Russian Stout @ 10% The bar owner is trying to entice people away from generic lagers to craft beers. There is a growing market for craft beers here in Ireland but it’s a long road away from the big multinationals.

  18. Chekhovian says:

    My company is a whole has its ‘Xmas’ party in January, because it is run by a bunch of cheapskates,

  19. rachel685 says:

    I’m in an academic office. Take the strangeness you’re assuming and times it by 17.

    Yup. Our department party was like an hour of mince pies and painful, stilted conversation. Academics are awkward.

  20. LarryMilne says:

    I’m in an academic office. Take the strangeness you’re assuming and times it by 17.

    and

    Yup. Our department party was like an hour of mince pies and painful, stilted conversation. Academics are awkward.

    I hit the weirdness motherlode during my undergraduate days. Great fun.

  21. PlanetoftheChimps says:

    The bliss of the self-employed freelancer.

    Did this for a while a number of years back. Was great while it lasted & could take extended periods of time off for travel & general enjoyment & did some interesting stuff. But was a bit too up / down & cash flow can be a problem once a family comes along. So I took the corporate wage. Bah

  22. Kocktopuss says:

    All you lucky bastards with your nice co-workers.

    Some of mine are nice but there’s a strong steak of what I term ‘head-melters’ where I work. On top of everything else that’s wrong with them they combine almost pathological nosiness with a streak of back-stabbing. Not pleasant.

  23. tomtrumps says:

    We have our Christmas do in the summer now. You get better service, you get to drink outside afterwards (we have in in the afternoon), pubs aren’t crazy busy, and its cheaper. In this case cheaper means the budget is the same, but the food is infintely better. Highly recommended.

  24. PlanetoftheChimps says:

    My company is a whole has its ‘Xmas’ party in January, because it is run by a bunch of cheapskates,

    Great idea. I tried to roll out this concept to the mrs but she wasn’t receptive.

  25. With a name like TomTrumps it is probably best you have your do somewhere outside with a strong breeze.

  26. tomtrumps says:

    With a name like TomTrumps it is probably best you have your do somewhere outside with a strong breeze.

    I honestly did not think of this when devising my name…

  27. I’m with Crashtopuss on this. One woman who is, thankfully, leaving is the most insanely petty bitch it’s been my misfortune to deal with. As she’s going she intentionally tried to sabotage something in the database. It then fell to me (as having the most experience) to fix the mess.

    She’s got the fucking temerity to be going to this today as well.

  28. Kocktopuss says:

    My workplace is also notorious for having the party as close to Christmas Eve as they can manage (party = taking the staff for a cheapo dinner and then going to a pub where work pays for one, max two, rounds) because they know the closer they can hold it to Christmas Eve means the higher the likelihood that the some of the staff from outside Dublin will have already left having taken a few days off over Christmas, and thus meaning work have to pay for less food and drink.

    Which is especially prickish.

  29. Canaryatthewharf says:

    Mistericks

    “It is a bit dispiriting over on the Guardian right now. long diatribes from the purplybald one followed by long diatribes from the purplybald one. Albeit with some fine straight-bat work in reply from the Canary”

    Thanks but even the Great Purple Bald One seems to have given up as he’s ignored a couple of good straight lines – unless he’s (gasp) working.

    Someone will need to pop over every so often to check its pulse but I think the Breakdown is now an ex-blog, a blog no more etc

  30. Kocktopuss says:

    @cat

    That’s bad. I don’t have anything to compare to that but the pathological nosiness in my place just saps your strength after a while. To give an example;

    One day I got one of those emails with a funny picture. Nothing special but enough for a chuckle – Cyanide and Happiness I think. Quietly leaned over to the workmate next to me and told him to have a look. He pointed at the screen and laughed quietly, we shared a word or two about it then I signed out of my email account and got back to work. However, while he was pointing and laughing I noticed one of the head melters had noticed from across the office. She levered herself out of her chair and waddled in our direction*. So enormous is her back fat that by the time she stomped over I’d gotten a few paragraphs written. “Show me the thing” she demanded. I told her I was busy working and it was none of her business. She demanded twice more before stomping off sighing loudly. For the rest of the day all she did was throw a tantrum. And ever since then she has switched her desk to one that allows her to glimpse the bulk of the office screens. Not mine thankfully.

    The worst part is that was her first week. She’d fallen in with the nosey crowd and was thus under the impression that that sort of carry-on is acceptable.

    *Normally the last thing I will do is go after someone for their physical appearance as it’s just not cricket but this one ceaselessly moans about being tired all the time, how tough it is getting up the stairs and all the other health-related issues with being very obese yet never once seems to notice the link and constantly bitches about celebrities pictured in magazines as having “gotten fat”. A vile little person.

    Rant over.

  31. HairBearHero says:

    I get a work do AND usually get invited to at least one clients’ do. Depending on the client, they can range from great nights out to slightly cagey, awkward “best behaviour” evenings whilst everybody else gets hammered.

    So glad I’ve managed to fall in with a great bunch of colleagues – in a company of (in total) 40 or so employees I don’t think there’s a single person I actively dislike and plenty that I do like.

  32. Normally the last thing I will do is go after someone for their physical appearance as it’s just not cricket Unless it’s Adele

    FIFY

  33. rachel685 says:

    SuperBro picks:

    Edinburgh v Racing Metro 92: Racing Metro 92 by 5
    Biarritz v Connacht Rugby: Biarritz by 9
    Ospreys v Toulouse: Toulouse by 7
    Treviso v Tigers: Treviso by 1 – not sure about this but I was just being contrary
    Harlequins v Zebre: Quins by 20
    Chiefs v Scarlets: Exeter by 7
    Leinster v Clermont: Leinster by 3
    Ulster v Saints: Ulster by 10
    Montpellier v Cardiff: Montpellier by 9
    Castres v Glasgow: Castres by 3
    Saracens v Munster: The Borg by 6
    Toulon v Sale: Toulon by 15

  34. laraxwell says:

    @HBH
    Bacon, sausage and black pudding roll. The perfect antidote to the work Christmas do last night. Oh god it’s glorious
    This is for you

    You see I don’t have time for a fancy breakfast or put muesli in a bowl

    I just head to the stat oil garage for the jumbo breakfast Roll

    Two eggs two rasher two sausage two Bacon Two puddins one Black and white

    All placed like a tower on top of each other and then wrapped up good and
    tight

  35. Kocktopuss says:

    @Cat

    Not even her. Any issues I have with her all revolve around how she sounds.

  36. laraxwell says:

    @MVML

    Borg by 14 points
    pfffffftttttttttt

  37. laraxwell says:

    My beard is 7 weeks old now
    dunno what to do with it
    Do I go to a Barber for a trim?
    Do it myself?
    Moustache section dropping below upper lip line so provides ledge for Guinness creme -I don’t like that
    Considering thinning sides but will go zztop long
    decisions
    I know there are some beardos out there -advice welcome

  38. HairBearHero says:

    Edinburgh v Racing Metro 92: Racing Metro 92 by 10
    Biarritz v Connacht Rugby: Biarritz by 6
    Ospreys v Toulouse: Toulouse by 10
    Treviso v Tigers: Tigers by 15
    Harlequins v Zebre: Quins by 40
    Chiefs v Scarlets: Exeter by 9
    Leinster v Clermont: Leinster by 6
    Ulster v Saints: Ulster by 15
    Montpellier v Cardiff: Montpellier by 13
    Castres v Glasgow: Castres by 6
    Saracens v Munster: Sarries by 6
    Toulon v Sale: Toulon by 18

  39. Best go to this fucking charade now.

    Listen to speech from bossman:

    “Blah blah thanks for all the hard work blah blah trying circumstances blah blah drone drone utter cockwomble”

    Am absurdly happy, though, because I just found my tennis ball that I bounce off the wall of my office (think Great Escape) and I thought I’d lost it forever.

    Sometimes the little things are fantastic.

  40. LarryMilne says:

    There once was a muppet from Tipp,
    Whose acid verse closed many lips,
    The box-living animal’s bright fur,
    Tickled pink those BTL for sure,
    Beside subtle lines frae dancing fingertips.

    No-one has less work to do today then me.

  41. HairBearHero says:

    lara – s’been ages since I’ve had a black pudding, and these were top notch. Just under an inch thick and lovely.

  42. Lara, I have a nicely maintained beard at present. I used conventional hair trimmers to keep it a uniform length, then wet shave the following places for neatness a) half way up my neck line leaving a semi circle (imagine the flat edge at the top) of hair on the neck b) down from my eyes to the top of the cheek bone and c) a small line of skin from the jaw to the edge of the sideburns. This gives you a hard contrasting edge at the neck, at the sideburn and at the cheek which makes the difference between looking unkempt to looking well groomed.

    I hope that makes sense.

  43. laraxwell says:

    oh I can’t take credit for those immortal lines Larry
    They from Pat Shortts ‘Jumbo Christmas Roll’
    One of the all time classics you know
    google it and have a laugh
    the Red head will be tickled pink

  44. No-one has less work to do today then me.

    Want to bet?

  45. Really don’t want to go to this. Am obliged, though. My line manager has just told me.

    I wonder how long I can get away with it before I have to go.

  46. dermott says:

    Welcome to our first ever tangent: How best to maintain a beard.

  47. All I can think about now is black pudding. I am also a massive fan of haggis. I know these are completely unrelated but I consider both auxillary breakfast items.

  48. here you all are then. Posting from…..work! Started this week and very happy chappy too. Apart from one of my cats dying on Monday. Got home to a dead puss in my living room, riger mortis and all set in. Was quite a busy week all told

  49. rachel685 says:

    No-one has less work to do today then me.

    I was fully intending to work from home this morning and go to the office this afternoon. It is now pouring rain and even my boss has said I should just stay home. So while I do have quite a lot of work to do, I think it’s relatively unlikely at this stage that said work will actually get done…

  50. laraxwell says:

    I hope that makes sense.

    yeah…erm sort of
    Thank you
    I’d say you have the girls swooning with all that definition

  51. I am nursing a massive hangover. Nothing getting done by me today. Out for lunch in 15 minutes but will return at around 2 to see if anyone else has contributed bear maintainace tips.

  52. Edinburgh v Racing Metro 92: Racing Metro 92 by 12
    Biarritz v Connacht Rugby: Biarritz by 15
    Ospreys v Toulouse: Toulouse by 18
    Treviso v Tigers: Tigers by 8
    Harlequins v Zebre: Quins by 23
    Chiefs v Scarlets: Exeter by 11
    Leinster v Clermont: Leinster by 8
    Ulster v Saints: Ulster by 18
    Montpellier v Cardiff: Montpellier by 13
    Castres v Glasgow: Castres by 11
    Saracens v Munster: Munster by 5
    Toulon v Sale: Toulon by 28

  53. PlanetoftheChimps says:

    @raceofstalwarts

    Experimented with a bacon, black pudding & haggis roll the other week.

    Tasty it was. Healthy it was not.

  54. lara, I can draw you a picture and upload it to the googledoc drive if you like?

  55. HairBearHero says:

    Lara – main thing (as RoS has said) about treading the fine line between kempt and unkempt is to give some obvious visual clues that you’re keeping it in check.

    A sharp “outline” on the jaw/upper throat where the beard transitions from bushy glory to wetshaved is probably necessary, as is trimming those raggedy scraggly bits that grow on the upper cheekbones. Keeping the length uniform (using trimmers or scissors) is compulsory, else it turns into a hobo-esque mess.

    Unless you’re Brian Blessed, in which case just bask in your luxuriant bushiness.

  56. LarryMilne says:

    @dermott – and it’s a good one. I shave when I can be bothered. Roughly once a week. Last time I grew a proper beard was a couple of years ago, used a pair of scissors to keep it vaguely in line.

    @RoS – haggis and black pudding, while completely different in principle, do have a similar effect. Both are amazing, though haggis is definitely superior.

    @lara – I did not know that. Don’t know much about this Shortt fella either.

    @cat – maybe I should remember all the company I keep.

    @flanker – congrats on the job mate. Though sorry about the pet!

  57. dermott says:

    @flanker

    Yes, congrats on the job, very sorry about the puss. Lost our second dog in July. ‘Tis a real bugger. We have a Cat here and available and free to a good home. You’d only need to house train him.

  58. HairBearHero says:

    My company has a clean-shaven policy. It’s fucking irritating, as I prefer having about 4 days’ worth of stubble at all times – makes me look about 5 years older and gives my face a bit more definition. Still, minor complaint in the grand scheme of things.

    @flanker – congrats on the job and good to see you made the crossover

  59. Congrats Flankerguardian. Coincidentally there was someone called Flanker who used to post on the old Guardian blogs back in the day.

  60. Chekhovian says:

    Stay with us Cat? Don’t give in to the organised fun organisers!

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