Not The Honey Badger Diaries (II)

badger

December 27th, 2012

Dear Dairy

Haaaaa! Another thigh-slapper for starters! Thought that one up meself. See? It says Dear Dairy? Move a couple of letters around and it’d say Dear Diary? Jeez, I could really get the hang of this thinkin’ caper.

So what’s happened since I last picked up the crayon to have a natter with yers? Christmas! You bloody ripper! Love Christmas. Just about love it more than I love scorin’ a meat. In fact the whole squad does. ‘Cept Barnsey, but he’s been sus since he bunged on that fuckin’ skull cap. Skull caps are for the dumb bums with 1 to 8 on their backs. See, I’ve got a theory. Yer number indicates yer IQ? So I’m twice as bright as Poey?

‘Course, being Chrissie, I was in touch with me old mate Santa. Top bloke. Hates a drink. I leave out a cask of vino and half a sheep for him every year. Never spills a drop and the plate’s always licked clean. Like Benny Alexander at a post-match dinner? Benny’d eat the crockery if we didn’t Supa-Glue it to the table. Aw, plus I’m over four times brighter than him.

Anyways, as per usual, I dropped old Santa a line:

Dear Santa,

Yeah, me again. The Badger! How they hangin’ you fat old bugger? I’m extra good plus I’ve been an extra good boy this year too. Popped into Taronga Park Zoo. Only clawed one of the canastas off their lion? Discipline, mate.

Okay. For starters. If you get a second while you’re herbin’ across the Christmas Eve sky, do us both a favour? Drop a Scud missile on Barnsey? Bastard reckoned to me you don’t exist? Fuck me, Santa, he’s had one concussion too many. Put the goose out of his misery?

Right. Me list of stuff I’d fancy in me stocking this year. Here goes:

1. That little bald English prick that I trampled over on the way to me meat at Twickers. Did yer see it at all? Phawww. Bet Mrs Claus had to fight you off that night, eh? I stuck mine in a bucket of ice for an hour and a half after and the old y-fronts still wouldn’t fit over it! Anyways, they reckon his name’s Sharples. Drewie Mitchell reckoned to me after that he plays like Ena Sharples? Maybe his first name’s Ena? Anyways, I want to take him everywhere with me. Meats galore against him, mate, every time.

2. A laptop. For Quade. Coppers made him give the other one back.

3. A chainsaw. To give TPN a fuckin’ hair cut. Fair dinkum, we were using his afro to scrub the mud off our boots and Benny Tapuai disappeared into it? Hasn’t been seen since?

4. A tin of petrol and a box of matches. To set fire to fuckin’ O’Beiber.

5. A deed-poll name-change thing. For that fat useless Pommy arsehole Nick Easter. Easter’s me second favourite time of year after Chrissie and I can’t look at a chocky egg without it doing a disappearing act.

6. Porn mags. For Quade. They reckon the clink’s a lonely old place.

7. A ton of cement. To bury fuckin’ O’Beiber in and drop him in the harbour if the fire goes out.

I reckon that oughta about do it for this year, mate. Cheers to Mrs Claus, give her one for me, and remember – don’t drink and fly!

Yer mate,

Badge

PS. How’re Rudolph’s canastas coming along?

Gotta love Christmas, eh? Pressies, piss and pukin’. You wouldn’t be dead for quids, would you?

Hope yers all had a good one!

Cheers till next time, and, as always, may all your meats be fat ones!

The Badger

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464 Responses to Not The Honey Badger Diaries (II)

  1. sagmog says:

    re Daff.
    We get consistent page views from Denmark, just wonder if Daff’s too busy – new house – new baby – to be arsed with us right now.

  2. Baldy says:

    A major and somewhat obvious reason for disappearances could be that nesting is bad, everyone has left, and this site is actually blocked by all pc/web servers whereas the guardian slips straight through every system I have used

    Thus, there is an obvious problem for the work shy rugby blogger who enjoys tangent during work time..

  3. bedfordbluesfan says:

    @ Killer, What? He’s Robert Kitson and not allowed to post here? (And I claim my £5)

  4. thaumaturge says:

    Evening chaps.

    Apparently Harry Pearson is no longer with the Graun. Shame that, always worth reading even if talking about some silly sport like Wendyball.

  5. avsfan says:

    Bath, for one, deserve to be in the HC.

    As Shaun is clinging by his fingernails to the Welsh job, my guess is he left before being shown the door.

  6. bedfordbluesfan says:

    @Baldy

    I’ve been working from home since the Nesting Crisis TM so not been an issue for me. Bizarrely I’ve managed more posts on this site in a month than I ever did on the Graun in over 5 years of lurking and occasional posting.

  7. killerline says:

    @BBF

    Wow that was quick. £5 in the post…

  8. brookter says:

    @killerline

    We need some more Welsh and Italian here. Too much Scottish woe and Irish existentialism.

    Scottish woe? Irish existentialists? Hah! Bunch of Pollyannas, the lot of them. Skipping through the tulips with a song in their hearts and a whistle on their puckered lips, with nary a cloud on the horizon.

    They should try supporting Sale. That’d learn ‘em what a real dark night of the soul looks like…

  9. thaumaturge says:

    For a long time, I thought Sale were a French team.

    ‘Sale’ means ‘dirty’ in French, of course.

  10. brookter says:

    @thaumaturge,

    Zut! C’est un calembour calomniateur… That’s why we always have a hard time at Bath, I suppose.

    Ahem. Personally, I’d be quite happy to get rid of one of the club’s names – who came up with this silly idea of calling rugby clubs after various bits of fauna, anyway? Sharks, bah. Stupid name. Only Harlequins seem to have resisted the nonsense but, of course, they had a silly name to start with.

  11. Echo says:

    So this is where you are all hiding?

    Was down at Sandy park on Saturday. Lovely set up, small queues for beer, great atmosphere, silence for kickers. Will be returning often. Shame Bath snuck a draw, ref was pretty dreadful.

  12. therealbennyblanco says:

    Just made my feelings known to that idiot Campbellpaul (if that IS his real name) on the Kitson blog. I had to break my own rule on nesting to do it, but hey ho.

    Lots to catch up on now I am back at my work desk.

    Lions: I have huge respect for O’Driscoll and O’Connell and if they were both fit and in form they would be a must selection, but my concern with their frequent appearances in the rugby news is that Gatland’s selection will fall into the trap that Woodward did in 2005 i.e. selecting big names like Dallaglio and Back etc on the basis that they were proven performers at the top level and their experience would count. Well, it didn’t. There can’t be any sentimentality: the squad has to be 35 players who all deserve to be there on fitness and form and who all stand a chance of making the test XV. I doubt Gatland will do that, but I’m hoping.

    AP/Rabo. Watched the usual games, nothing to add. Except Joe Simpson’s try against London Welsh was superb. Like to see him finally get a shot in the England camp, bench behind Youngs for a couple of games perhaps.

    John Mitchell: that guy has serious problems doesn’t he?

  13. avsfan says:

    Welcome Echo.

    As for John Mitchell, I’d say it is a miracle he and Steve Diamond lasted that long in the same room.

  14. bedfordbluesfan says:

    Having only seen the highlights of the Wasps game, Simpson’s try was great but the “team effort” try that followed was also a very exciting score, (Will Taylor try?)

    @ Killer, if you’re on line today pop another cheeky blue hyperlink under Echo’s “Quiet around here,” comment please. I’d do it myself except I don’t know how to make the link appear as a non-threatening word to the Guardian’s Watchmen.

    BTW Tov doesn’t seem impressed with the Monkfish

  15. tichtheid says:

    BTW Tov doesn’t seem impressed with the Monkfish

    Perhaps he needs some tips on the preparation.

    acroprop of nothing at all, I was in the dentist’s waiting room yesterday and picked up a copy of The Times – some horse racing, a couple of pages of obituaries for Christopher Martin-Jenkins, a gazillion pages of football, and not a sausage on rugby.

    I can’t read any other section than the sport as it makes me really angry, It really is a shit paper.

  16. MichaelVaughanMyLord says:

    Haven’t seen Simpson play for a while, wouldn’t suggest he is ahead of Care or Youngs at the moment. Dickson hasn’t had a brilliant season so he might be about to overtake him. I wouldn’t have a problem sticking him in the Saxons in the Spring.

  17. MichaelVaughanMyLord says:

    Ticht – I prefer their Monday format, where they have a specific section for oikball mouth-breathers to stare at the pictures while proper sports are exclusively housed in the back pages.

  18. sagmog says:

    BBF-
    “Great Schism”?
    ‘Snot that bad surely.
    Besides, we’re still keeping a link to the Graun, just little point posting there now ‘cos there’s no discussion.
    Tov fulfils the standard practice of posting moaning about what we used to talk about previously, while not mentioning rugby himself, my personal favourite contradiction in terms.
    Plus, the contrary bastard posts here as well.

  19. sagmog says:

    Tempted to back the Scarlets over Ulster now just to annoy Tov…

  20. bedfordbluesfan says:

    @Sag

    Schism not bad for us, but not good for the poor nested oppressed, who’re lacking decent rugby discussion.

  21. bedfordbluesfan says:

    Plus Gecko now lamenting missing the recipe :)

  22. tichtheid says:

    MVML – I like football, it was my first love, and I’ve no problem with the plethora of coverage of the national game, it’s to be expected, but the lack of rugby coverage a mere four’nabit weeks away from the showcase tournament in the Northern Hemisphere is a bit crap.

  23. killerline says:

    Hath Gecko forsaken us?

    Or are we just not making it obvious enough?

  24. sagmog says:

    @Killer
    Some people can’t access wordpress from work.
    IIRC, Gecko’s work system is quite strict.

  25. killerline says:

    @Sag

    Indeed. Worry not he has been part-assimilated.

  26. killerline says:

    Oh god I just realised…we’re the Saracens of the rugby blog world.

  27. deebee7 says:

    Morning all and a tremendous 2013 to each and every one of you! Bit late I know, but down here in Safferland I’ve been road-tripping through the Cape and Karoo. Wishes for the new year from a rugby perspective?
    First, a titanic 6N to set up a mouth watering Lions Tour. The B&I Lions to win a tight series. If for no other reason than references to the last Lions win won’t be against the Boks in ’97 anymore. Second, South Africa’s Super Rugby sides to give the emerging crop of attack-minded 10′s and 12′s more freedom to PLAY. We’ll never bridge the gap to the AB’s unless our guys get used to playing a more adventurous style of rugby. Develop and pick specialist sevens as well – there’s enough of them around, but they’re still treated with suspicion by the collission is king brigade.
    Third, leave the Laws of the game as they are for at least five years – the constant tinkering doesn’t do the game any good in my humble one.
    Fourth, Mrs Deebee to develop an appetite for HEC matches – but alas there is more chance of Morne Steyn developing into the new Dan Carter than that!

  28. Chekhovian says:

    Nah, we’re the Federation – a loose alliance of disparate peoples banding together to resist the Nesting Consciousness.

  29. sagmog says:

    we’re the Federation

    Channelling Crash?
    Fucksake.

    On an unrelated note, this blog is starting to creak a bit, so I’ll stick up a match day blog for the weekend later.
    After I’ve had breakfast.
    Or lunch.
    Or mid-afternoon cappuccino.

  30. killerline says:

    After I’ve had breakfast.
    Or lunch.
    Or mid-afternoon cappuccino.

    Musicians…

  31. killerline says:

    Morning Deebee…

    That’s a comprehensive set of new year wishes.

    Mine is: No more Nick Mullins commentating. Surely the smuggest man in existence.
    Other than that rugby is fine.

  32. LarryMilne says:

    @Deebee – HNY! Thankfully the Lions have a better shot of beating Oz than Morne has of channeling DC…

    @geeks – Federation/Borg – stop it.

    @MVML/Ticht – football is a great sport, but it’s a big money-muddled fuck up at the minute. I enjoy watching, but not the accompanying circus.

    Zut! C’est un calembour calomniateur… That’s why we always have a hard time at Bath, I suppose.

    @brookter – opening Zing! of the year, there.

  33. Chekhovian says:

    Oh come on, one Star Trek reference and I’m stuck in the Geek Sin Bin? No fair…

  34. killerline says:

    @Chek

    The bin’s there for a reason.
    I don’t know much about Star Trek…

    You’ll be out by 1015.

  35. deebee7 says:

    Larry, your Lions odds are still pretty big when you put it like that!
    Killer – not sure who Nick Mullins is, but there are plenty of lousy commentators out there. Also a few who probably get a bit of unwarranted stick.
    I must say I went onto the Guardian blog this morning and it’s quite depressing how barren it is. Even the odd regular who’s still posting seems to be simply going through the motions, rather than getting into things.

  36. MichaelVaughanMyLord says:

    Oikball in itself is an ok sport, though when I watch it now I find it is more often tedious than not. Main problem is money and the accompanying overhype that goes with it, and without wanting to be vulgar the complete and utter See You Next Tuesdays that play it, coach it and watch it. Some of the behaviour on and off the pitch over the last 12 months in particular has been beyond contempt, but worse was the smug self-congratulation that occurred for weeks (and longer, they were still at it during the SPOTY smugfest) when Fabrice wotsisname recovered from his heart attack. Brilliant, you didn’t boo and shout abuse at a player having a heart attack on the field! What paragons of virtue you are!

  37. Baldy says:

    Agree about Muamba, bloody ridiculous situation.

    Either way, I see Tov wants to talk about rugby and not monkfish..

    hey Tov!

    You see how even the Rabo coaches are now admitting the Rabo is an irrelevance, pointless, pathetic attempt at a league which no one wants to watch?!

  38. bedfordbluesfan says:

    @deebee7

    It’s hard to start a debate with yourself, unless you’re Baldy

  39. bedfordbluesfan says:

    Blimey, think of the Ogre and he pre-empts you :)

  40. Baldy says:

    God dammit was gonna be nice this year but they feed me too much ammunition..

  41. sagmog says:

    Oikball in itself is an ok sport

    Not any more.
    Ruined by Spain/Barcelona.
    ‘Snon-contact now.
    And pish because of it.

  42. Baldy says:

    I don’t mind football, tis all good for a little entertainment.. Bit poncy mind

  43. sagmog says:

    @Baldy-
    I’ll bite, what have the regions said about the Rabo?

  44. coddfish says:

    As an occasional poster but frequent reader I have missed all you guys on the Grauniad. Love the ‘blog’ articles on here, gave me a happy hour of reading back through RWC2011.

  45. Baldy says:

    Word for word or do you mind if I paraphrase?! ;)

    On t’GU website, there’s an article bout the dragons keeping Toby Faletau, in it the CEO/ top exec of the dragons laments how the Rabo league is a commercial irrelevance, no way it can successfully support the regions, too many dead/pointless games, Italians etc

    Obviously, the next logical step would be to ponder what could be done to make the Rabo relevant, and if only there were some knight in shining white armour proposing some form of merit based league position qualification thing that would give a genuine tangible reason for most of the games..

    But that maybe too big a gap to bridge in one go, like going from the world is flat to smart phones in one huge leap of progression..

    But it’s like any delusion, admitting you have a problem is the first step! Now we can all bask in the shared knowledge and work together to help you out of the gutter and in to a worthwhile domestic league..

  46. killerline says:

    @Coddfish
    welcome to the collective.

    If the Graun will only apologise we might take them back…

  47. killerline says:

    @Baldy

    You missed out the bit where you’re right about everything, didn’t you?

    Hazell’s “who wants to watch us play Connacht?” comment was a bit thoughtless certainly…

    When Claw hears there’ll be murder…

  48. therealbennyblanco says:

    Sale Sharks sign Daniel Braid (Fourie forced to retire):

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/rugby-union/20898424

    That is a brilliant signing. Braid is a superb player.

  49. sagmog says:

    @Baldy-
    Right, I’ve now read said article.
    Seems more like a pre-emptive strike against reducing his region’s budget to me.
    Favouring the Scarlets and the Blues would harm the Welsh derbies, which are the best attended games.
    Hardly earth shattering paradigm shifting stuff.
    Just a club fighting it’s corner against potential budget cuts by the WRU.

  50. Baldy says:

    @Killer

    Sag had long appreciated there is much truth in my retorts, There’s no need to rub it in toooooooooo much.

    But I thought that comment was well out of order, lets be honest, the Irish fans always seem up for a game of rugby.

    They have 3 decent teams and a strong underdog mentality which breeds siege mentality at connacht And they’ve turned over some top teams in the HEC recently..

    The welsh, however, seem more interested in football..

  51. killerline says:

    *Shoots Sag sceptical sideways glance*

    You’re doing this are you? Can o’ worms style…

  52. MichaelVaughanMyLord says:

    Baldy – can you finish off each post with the phrase ‘ capping off an almighty year for me personally’. I think that might be my favourite saying of 2013.

  53. Baldy says:

    Come now sag,

    It’s clearly an exasperated businessman, who having lost massive amounts of his own cash, has finally let the party line slip and admitted the terrible truth..

    I dolove it though, when all the Rabo coaches who leave the Rabo start talking about how their are no more easy games, how every point counts, the difficulty of qualification they are towing the party line for their new league..

    .. And when a current Rabo CEO admits the truth he’s just trying to avoid having his funding cut..

    Just admit the truth, come on, it won’t hurt.

  54. sagmog says:

    .. And when a current Rabo CEO admits the truth he’s just trying to avoid having his funding cut..

    That’s the background his comments have to framed against though.
    The assumption is that Scarlets and Blues will be the chosen two to get larger budgets to compete in the HEC.
    Turning Dragons and Os into development regions, with lower budgets.
    His point is that this would devalue the Welsh derbies, the money-making games for them.
    The throwaway comment about Connacht would back this up, ‘cos it’s bollocks.
    I can’t see how it can be read any other way.

  55. deebee7 says:

    @BBF – don’t prod the ogre, especially when there’s more likely than not a fair amount of residual festive booze coarsing through the veins.

    @Baldy – I missed the monkfish debate but can only assume someone had four world class pieces of fish that ticked Tov off.

  56. boanova says:

    Baldy – can you finish off each post with the phrase ‘ capping off an almighty year for me personally’. I think that might be my favourite saying of 2013.

    Agreed, he’s channelling the spirit of Partridge magnificently….’needless to say, I had the last laugh…’

  57. boanova says:

    @Baldy – I missed the monkfish debate but can only assume someone had four world class pieces of fish that ticked Tov off.

    Either that, or a 17 year old piece of monkfish in Llanethli that didn’t live up to his expectations.

  58. Baldy says:

    That’s cos you’ve not quite embraced the light sag..

    The comments, although costing light on what may happen if the funding is cut, clearly show the problems currently. After all, he is not talking from a position if strength ATM, far from it, he is talking after losing 2 of his 3 best players, millions of his own cash, and with the welsh regions currently being about as financially viable as woolworths..

    The problems he talks about exist now – they ain’t theoretical points about the future without HEC or with automatic qualification.

    The problems are that right now, this instant, the league isn’t financially viable to run 4 regions as the league itself doesn’t generate the returns to do this.

    Then situation currently is the union funding the regions as te league isn’t finically capable of supporting them, and the union saying they can continue to do it, and the regions saying “oh shit” and being honest about the financial viability of the Rabo.. (And therefore being one small step away from admitting he top14 & ap are right and crawling back to the negotiation table..)

    And therefore capping an almighty year for me personally!

  59. MichaelVaughanMyLord says:

    Speaking of Partridge, I saw on a review of the year programme that there was actually a Cooking in Prison programme last year. It involved Gordon Ramsay (SYNT) cooking with convicts. Looking forward to Inner City Sumo this year.

  60. Baldy says:

    Apparently that cooking in prison program was really quite funny, in a stupidly bewildering way…

    Should have had him shouting at a load of lifers with major problems with authority!

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