THE HASK v The Six Nations

The bigger they are, the HARDER I DOMINATE!

I’m not one to shy away from confrontation. Seriously, people who say violence is the last resort are wrong. It’s the first fucking resort when you have GUNS like mine. However, I’ve seen the announcement of the new England Something-beginning-with-P squad and I’ve got serious issues. For a start, my diary seems to have been hijacked by all manner of dirty colonial, thieving Celt, misbegotten surrender monkey and even a dead fucking Russian.

When I get my hands on that furball…

Anyway, we’re into the countdown to the World’s Greatest Rugby Tournament, the Six Nations, so I thought I would take some time to share my thoughts with you, and let’s face it, after the ramblings from the rest, I did think you would appreciate a few words from THE BEST. 

Firstly, about this diary hijacking. I’m a magnanimous character, and always happy to share in the WORLD CLASS BANTERTM so I shall graciously allow you to partake of my space. However, when I have an important missive to donate to the wisdom of future mankind I shall, in the words of Clarence Boddiker, expect that you “Bitches, leave”. I always find great art a comfort to me in trying times.

You see, I may seem to be a shallow creature, overly concerned with my physical appearance, but in reality I am the last of the WARRIOR POETS and thus I DOMINATE as mightily with the crayon as I do on the Rugby Pitch.

A man that really understands the virtues of DOMINATION

Thus, I was mightily pleased to see myself in my rightful place in the squad. Which I will helpfully put below for you:

MEN PREPARED TO DOMINATE: C Clark (Northampton), A Corbisiero (London Irish), D Cole, T Croft (both Leicester), D Hartley (Northampton), J “THE GUN SHOW” Haskell (Wasps), T Johnson (Exeter), J Launchbury (Wasps), C Lawes (Northampton), J Marler (Harlequins), B Morgan (Gloucester), G Parling (Leicester), C Robshaw (Harlequins), M Vunipola (Saracens), T Waldrom (Leicester), D Wilson (Bath), T Wood (Northampton), T Youngs (Leicester).

WIMPY HAIR CARE OBSESSED PONCES:C Ashton, B Barritt (both Saracens), M Brown (Harlequins), F Burns (Gloucester), D Care (Harlequins), L Dickson (Northampton), O Farrell (Saracens), T Flood (Leicester), B Foden (Northampton), A Goode (Saracens), J Joseph (London Irish), D Strettle (Saracens), M Tuilagi (Leicester), B Twelvetrees (Gloucester), B Youngs (Leicester).

I was a less than chuffed to not be called directly by the PE teacher, but really, I’m in no mood to put up with his fulsome praise, particularly when he’s going to play that non-entity at 6 and that fat borderline-Welsh chubmeister at 8. This will leave me, THE MIGHTY HASK, left with fuck all to do apart from pick splinters out of my arse and DOMINATE those exercise bikes at the side of the pitch. Still, when my chance comes, I’ll be ready, a fucking race car in the red (no, cancel that, a big fucking missile with a warhead of pure DOMINATION) set to explode all over whichever group of pitiful Celts has the misfortune to be up against us.

Mostly, however, that’s about as good a squad as we could really hope for. Manu will trample whichever puny back he faces off against beneath his mighty Samoan feet, Ginsters (if the silly bugger can manage not to be banned for whatever reason) will ride up in support before diving over the line with the balletic grace of one of those hippos from Fantasia. Not so sure about glassboy Strets on the left wing, but I think he’ll be below either boyband Ben Foden, or Mike Brown in the pecking order anyway.

In the pack (which, let’s face it, is the only bit that really matters), I can see us DOMINATING at the set piece. Our front row is a mighty trio of hungry (fat bastards) Barbarians (Seriously, Dan Cole looks like he would have been perfectly at home burying a battle-axe in someone’s face), and will no doubt cause absolute chaos when ready to ENGAGE (fucking WOOF). We’ve got exciting players in the second row, and a back row that finally has balance. And if the back row isn’t firing, then I shall cause havoc and let slip the hounds of DOMINATION when I come on.

Our opening fixture is against the pitiful Jocks. They’ve gone bonkers and removed all trace of English influence from their coaching side. Furthermore, the last time they won at Twickenham Lance Armstrong was steroid free (silly boy, you always need to have the latest supplements to stay ahead of the testing regime). I expect us to dish, serve or otherwise DOMINATE the miserable skirt wearing pansies, particularly given they’re probably going to play that glorified speedbump of a Scrum Half at 10. Looking forward to running through his channel all fucking day long. And that’s not referring to what I’d like to do in the showers after the game.

Look at it this way, last time out, we DOMINATED the mighty All Blacks, and now we’re up against the ALL CACKS. (That’s some fucking outstanding WORLD CLASS BANTER for you).

I’ve given myself a minor chubby even thinking about it, so I had best be off to, er, take matters in hand.

BRING ON THE 6 NATIONS!

James.

DOMINATION is all in the mind

DOMINATION is all in the mind

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869 Responses to THE HASK v The Six Nations

  1. turduckenshoot says:

    On form isn’t it just the England squad with a few Ulster players thrown in

  2. killerline says:

    @Larry

    I take your points. Why do you keep nailing this boy on for our ears?

    For you: Sexton. Currently playing well. Was far from perfect at the weekend. Might go mental and lose us the second test like his countryman.

    For me: Farrell. There’s the All Blacks thing. And he has steel. Obvious fear that you need to play a second playmaker. Might not go mental enough.

    For Gatland: fuck only knows………….

  3. was just looking at the ESPN thingy, its sponsored by Dove(??) didnt the last time we tried an skin care product league go tits up

  4. The guy at the head of the queue, on performance, is one Owen Farrell.

    Particularly now his passing has improved.

  5. I have a hangover, surprisingly as I hadnt that many pints after table tennis last night, must be age related

  6. deebee7 says:

    On the HEC versus 6N correlation thingy: it follows a rough trend in the Super Rugby 3N or 4N thing. Basically New Zealand have won 11 of each, the Boks 3 of each and Australia 3 of each. However, the years overlap – the Boks won in ’98 although the Crusaders were Super Rugby winners; Australia won in 2000 when the Crusaders were champs – but it preceded them winning both (Brumbies and Aus) the following year. In 2004 the Boks won the 3N although the Brumbies took the Super Title. Interestingly, from 2007 to 2010 the Bulls won 3 out of 4 Super Rugby titles, the Boks won the World Cup and beat the Lions, but New Zealand won 3 of those 4 Trinations titles. So recent form is definitely not indicative – but as Bok fans will tell you, it’s one thing to dominate sides in Super rugby, but you need more than that in 3N or 4N rugby.

  7. LarryMilne says:

    @turkey

    Surely Larry the Aussies with Silkie pulling the strings will just be too much for the Lions

    He’ll be dangerous, provided he can make nice with Dingo. If we shut him down we really should win. (I’m ignoring your the tongue-in-cheek tone).

    to be fair i think saying Sexton doesn’t play well for Ireland is like saying George North is english, we don’t believe it, but it’ fun to say for the reaction

    I know full well, but sometimes it’s fun to offer a defence.

    Sexton’s performance v Wales in the 2011 6N was hilariously inept.

    He hasn’t come close to being that bad since, mind. I’d say he’s the #1 contender for the 10 shirt.

    Agree. And hilariously is right. That game was awful. I’m one of the few Ireland fans who doesn’t mind losing that one, even with the ghost try. Both sides were fucking wank; a draw would probably have been fair – minus fifteen-all, or something – but in rugby someone usually wins and that day it happened to be you guys.

    Eh? I don’t remember that. Methinks that’s bollocks, considering the score was 20-16 to Ireland.

    JS was bloody brilliant though. Excellent stuff for Bowe’s first try particularly. It wasn’t a whipping, obviously, and England don’t make it easy to win at Twickenham, can’t imagine our biggest victory there is even in double figures (albeit, ye olden scores were a lot lower generally).

    He also had some shockers in the WC

    Did he? Not my view. We played the States in a hurricane and Ronads started against Wales (Declan! What in the name of good fuck?). Cat, I think you mis-remember things how you want to about this guy.

  8. For Gatland: fuck only knows………….

    Barring total fucking insanity it has to be between Sexton and an English FH, probably Faz.

    Wales basically don’t have anyone and neither do Scotland. Laidlaw is SH.

  9. Oggie says:

    @onlyoneT
    You were at school and PF was being studied? Christ I feel old.

  10. I remember his kicking being all over the shop in the group stages. And at the time, you Irish were saying that he hadn’t got his international form because of Deccie messing him around re Ronads.

  11. sagmog says:

    you Irish were saying that he hadn’t got his international form because of Deccie messing him around re Ronads.

    Yep.
    My memory of it too.
    If you have to keep making excuses for a test player with loads of caps and proven pedigree at club level, maybe he’s just not got the shit for test rugby.

    The prosecution rests.

  12. killerline says:

    @Hamsandwich

    I have a hangover, surprisingly as I hadnt that many pints after table tennis last night, must be age related

    You’re clearly the type of wildman we need at the BTL show.

  13. Also, to be fair to Sexton, any FH would struggle at international level with the turd Ireland turn out at SH and IC.

  14. LarryMilne says:

    @cat – my main complaint about the Rog thing was that Sexton was clearly the better player and I don’t see why automatically subbing him off on the hour did anyone any good.

    JS has big balls and isn’t fragile of mind, I don’t really think his confidence would be dented, although it might be frustrating to see a grandad coming on to replace you. I just don’t see the need to change your out half – of all positions – at pre-determined times. Surely that should only be a tactical, rather than tiredness, change?

  15. HairBearHero says:

    If we’re talking about club form, Eli Walker, 1/2p and Tipuric need to be in there. Don’t think any other Welshies would be in.

    Ofc, club != international etc etc.

    I fancy Walker and Vunipola (Billy) as possible bolters.

  16. my main complaint about the Rog thing was that Sexton was clearly the better player and I don’t see why automatically subbing him off on the hour did anyone any good.

    While I agree, that is categorically not what you lot were saying at the time.

  17. LarryMilne says:

    The prosecution rests.

    Well, you say it should be Farrell on form.

    If you’re talking international form, that’s one game. I wouldn’t call that a big sample (and Sexton had a very good autumn series too).

    If you’re going to say he kicked all his goals in a Heineken Cup match against a mediocre French side, I will finally realise that HEC form is permissible in terms of weighing up the quality of a rugby player when he is English and playing well, and Irish when he is not, but otherwise should be disregarded.

  18. Well, Larry, having been comparing them all morning, I think that’s fair enough given that it appears that English players can make the step up but Sexton can’t.

  19. brookter says:

    Couple of inches snow here in Chester – we’ve even closed the golf course (good, wasn’t looking forward to playing today). That much in London and the Press would have declared a state of emergency. We’d have to send food parcels and start knitting woolly jumpers and everything.

    Worst film I’ve ever seen = ‘Hell Comes to Frogtime”

    I don’t suppose I can tempt you with Danny Cipriani for Lions FH? Okay, possibly not.

  20. brookter says:

    Hell comes to FrogTOWN, not time.

  21. Hell comes to Frogtown is aces.

    Terrible, obviously, but hilarious at the same time.

  22. deebee7 says:

    Correlations continue….

    Before Super 12 there was three seasons of Super 10, when sides were, I think, just provinces as opposed to franchises. Transvaal (my glorious lot before they became the Lions) won in 1993 – the first year and the year after we lost to both the Kiwis and Aussies on readmission to rugby, whilst the Queensland side (now the Reds) won in both ’94 and ’95. It was on this basis that they were expected to drill us in the World Cup opener in ’95, only for Pieter Hendricks to run around Campo and seal a great win.

    From a World CUp perspective it looks like this: In ’95 the Reds won SR, no 3N, Boks WC; in ’99 Crusaders won SR, AB’s the 3N and Aus the World Cup. 2003 – Blues, AB’s and England; 2007 – Bulls, AB’s, Boks; 2011 – Reds, Australia and AB’s.

  23. elsnoopio says:

    @Cat

    Using England and the HEC as an example: 2004 and 2006 Wasps won it (England supplied both finalists in 2006) and the national side was a disaster.

    Got to the WC final the next year though – a number of the same players had key roles in both.

    And Wales now – regions out the HC, Wales out side the top 8.

    I’m not sure the HC has been around long enough to judge real patterns in it – Kidney and the Welsh regions have been able to skew it

  24. OnlyoneT says:

    @oggie it was released in 1994 which was my last year at school 19 years ago…

    Christ i always feel old nowadays when there are players born in 1996 in matchday squads.

  25. sagmog says:

    Quite funny watching that trailer, that’s quite clearly Glasgow.
    Some signs and traffic lights don’t make it look like Philly.
    It looks like Glasgow. I can practically see my house.

  26. Macquiff says:

    Hola. Not a father yet Larry (March 13th…) but shitloads to prepare, work is prison-holing me and even managed to sneak in a cheeky flat move last month thus explaining my relative silence.

    Bollocksybumwarts wrapped up in a papier-mâché wankwomble – Edinbra were pathetic again! Even Zebre have shown more reasons to demand continued inclusion. Shitcan the front five (Nel and Gilchrist aside) and Richie Rees and find a FH!!!

    Now, on to Glasgae. Wonderful effort laddies but one can only wonder what may have been…Had to suffer a horrendous injury list all season (front and back rows – 3 locks playing by the end – were down to the bare bones) and may well have challenged for a European QF place but hey ho definitely on the right track. Bravo. Fantastic last try showing Scots can do magical stuff after all whilst Matawalu is simply wonderful – cheers Foden, another very iffy performance from you and can’t see you making the Lions. Good that Johnson is picking the bulk of the squad from the boys oot West.

    As for the rest, can’t see past Clermont. Wow.

    So, looking ahead to the 6N (bricking it somewhat), here’s my team for the Twickers tittyslap:

    15. Hogg (marvellous against Saints)
    14. Maitland
    13. SLamont (only due to injuries and size to combat Manu)
    12. Scott
    11. Visser (please wake up)
    10. Jackson (no-one else but is he out injured again?)
    9. Laidlaw
    8. Beattie (he’s back!)
    7. Brown (no fit open-sides)
    6. Harley (gonna need our best tacklers)
    5. Hamilton (need his bulk even if he is slow and soft)
    4. Gray (Scotland form not Sale form please)
    3. Murray (again, no-one else)
    2. MacArthur (hope injury not too bad since he was excellent at the weekend)
    1. Grant

    By the end of the 6N though, want to see the likes of Dunbar, Weir, Heathcote, Fusaro and Gilchrist blooded…

    BLIZZARRRRRRRRRDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  27. russsell rees says:

    c’mon wales…

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