I’m not one to shy away from confrontation. Seriously, people who say violence is the last resort are wrong. It’s the first fucking resort when you have GUNS like mine. However, I’ve seen the announcement of the new England Something-beginning-with-P squad and I’ve got serious issues. For a start, my diary seems to have been hijacked by all manner of dirty colonial, thieving Celt, misbegotten surrender monkey and even a dead fucking Russian.
When I get my hands on that furball…
Anyway, we’re into the countdown to the World’s Greatest Rugby Tournament, the Six Nations, so I thought I would take some time to share my thoughts with you, and let’s face it, after the ramblings from the rest, I did think you would appreciate a few words from THE BEST.
Firstly, about this diary hijacking. I’m a magnanimous character, and always happy to share in the WORLD CLASS BANTERTM so I shall graciously allow you to partake of my space. However, when I have an important missive to donate to the wisdom of future mankind I shall, in the words of Clarence Boddiker, expect that you “Bitches, leave”. I always find great art a comfort to me in trying times.
You see, I may seem to be a shallow creature, overly concerned with my physical appearance, but in reality I am the last of the WARRIOR POETS and thus I DOMINATE as mightily with the crayon as I do on the Rugby Pitch.
Thus, I was mightily pleased to see myself in my rightful place in the squad. Which I will helpfully put below for you:
MEN PREPARED TO DOMINATE: C Clark (Northampton), A Corbisiero (London Irish), D Cole, T Croft (both Leicester), D Hartley (Northampton), J “THE GUN SHOW” Haskell (Wasps), T Johnson (Exeter), J Launchbury (Wasps), C Lawes (Northampton), J Marler (Harlequins), B Morgan (Gloucester), G Parling (Leicester), C Robshaw (Harlequins), M Vunipola (Saracens), T Waldrom (Leicester), D Wilson (Bath), T Wood (Northampton), T Youngs (Leicester).
WIMPY HAIR CARE OBSESSED PONCES:C Ashton, B Barritt (both Saracens), M Brown (Harlequins), F Burns (Gloucester), D Care (Harlequins), L Dickson (Northampton), O Farrell (Saracens), T Flood (Leicester), B Foden (Northampton), A Goode (Saracens), J Joseph (London Irish), D Strettle (Saracens), M Tuilagi (Leicester), B Twelvetrees (Gloucester), B Youngs (Leicester).
I was a less than chuffed to not be called directly by the PE teacher, but really, I’m in no mood to put up with his fulsome praise, particularly when he’s going to play that non-entity at 6 and that fat borderline-Welsh chubmeister at 8. This will leave me, THE MIGHTY HASK, left with fuck all to do apart from pick splinters out of my arse and DOMINATE those exercise bikes at the side of the pitch. Still, when my chance comes, I’ll be ready, a fucking race car in the red (no, cancel that, a big fucking missile with a warhead of pure DOMINATION) set to explode all over whichever group of pitiful Celts has the misfortune to be up against us.
Mostly, however, that’s about as good a squad as we could really hope for. Manu will trample whichever puny back he faces off against beneath his mighty Samoan feet, Ginsters (if the silly bugger can manage not to be banned for whatever reason) will ride up in support before diving over the line with the balletic grace of one of those hippos from Fantasia. Not so sure about glassboy Strets on the left wing, but I think he’ll be below either boyband Ben Foden, or Mike Brown in the pecking order anyway.
In the pack (which, let’s face it, is the only bit that really matters), I can see us DOMINATING at the set piece. Our front row is a mighty trio of hungry (fat bastards) Barbarians (Seriously, Dan Cole looks like he would have been perfectly at home burying a battle-axe in someone’s face), and will no doubt cause absolute chaos when ready to ENGAGE (fucking WOOF). We’ve got exciting players in the second row, and a back row that finally has balance. And if the back row isn’t firing, then I shall cause havoc and let slip the hounds of DOMINATION when I come on.
Our opening fixture is against the pitiful Jocks. They’ve gone bonkers and removed all trace of English influence from their coaching side. Furthermore, the last time they won at Twickenham Lance Armstrong was steroid free (silly boy, you always need to have the latest supplements to stay ahead of the testing regime). I expect us to dish, serve or otherwise DOMINATE the miserable skirt wearing pansies, particularly given they’re probably going to play that glorified speedbump of a Scrum Half at 10. Looking forward to running through his channel all fucking day long. And that’s not referring to what I’d like to do in the showers after the game.
Look at it this way, last time out, we DOMINATED the mighty All Blacks, and now we’re up against the ALL CACKS. (That’s some fucking outstanding WORLD CLASS BANTER for you).
I’ve given myself a minor chubby even thinking about it, so I had best be off to, er, take matters in hand.
BRING ON THE 6 NATIONS!