So, this is what t’big fookin’ ponce has been up to lately then?
We just thought he’d found some right good porn and didn’t want to share.
Anyway, I’ve “borrowed” his laptop while he’s getting oiled down by some of t’backroom staff, it’s time to put to rights some serious fookin’ issues affecting rugby at t’mo':
I’ve heard some Aussie second-rater, I reckon he’s called “Bunny Rabbit” – stupid fookin’ name – has been bangin’ on about meat pies.
What the fook would he know about meat pies? Have you seen what them bastards do to a meat pie?
They take a (probably right dodgy, filled with dog food or kangaroo or summat) meat pie, cover it in red sauce, and plonk it in a bowl of green slime.
What t’fook is that all about?
It’s rhyming slang for “try”?
What t’fook are t’convicts doing using rhyming slang?
Tha’s for soft southern cockney bastards, them’s like on t’telly.
You know t’ones, them’s tha’s not on Corrie.
Dylan tells me that some Aussie bird really fancies me. Yawanay (not sure how you spell it) her name is. Sounds exotic! Get yer coat Ash lad, you’ve pulled!
Right, I’ve been hearing with my ears that punters want to know what’s so difficult about a right wing being
shunted out of position and having his try-scoring form ruined by that bastard Lancaster, sorry, moved to play on t’left.
It’s hard to explain this to them’s that’s not got a good academic background in League, but I’m going to give it my best shot.
You know right, when you’re lookin’ in t’mirror right?
Did you know that your face was on backwards?
Fookin’ mental, but I swear it’s t’truth. It’s a bit like that.
When you’re on t’right, t’crowd’s to your right, and the lads are to your left.
If you look down carefully, your right boot’s nearer t’touchline than your left.
Now, when some fookin’ bastard shunts you out to t’left, everything changes.
Suddenly, t’crowds on your left, your fookin’ left, and the lads are all fookin’ miles away on t’right. When you look down you get all fookin’ dizzy ‘cos your feet are on backwards. Your left boot is nearer t’touchline than your right.
So, it’s like t’mirror thing only much worse…
Your whole fookin’ body is on backwards.
Chris Ashton donated his fee for this column, just can’t remember where.