The Secret Diary of James Haskell (IQ 25 1/2). Date: 15th September

Gutted. Just gutted.

After a heavy session of DOMINATION against those difficult Portuguese speaking South American types, we all went back into the dressing room. We’d won, of course, but the mood was a bit down. I thought I would lighten it up, so, because I’ve got such quality banter at my disposal, I took a massive dump in the middle of the floor. I pointed at it, and said to Jonny “that’s your kicking”. Nobody said anything, probably because they were all so impressed.

Later on, Jonno said we could go out and relax a bit. What? THE BIG BRAND doesn’t do relaxation, I do DOMINATION. So, I went up to Chris, because he’s from the north and not properly educated. To show that I could converse with him, I said “Eh up, wor lad, fancy coming with me to t’gym for some DOMINATION?”. He just looked at me. Maybe I got some of the words wrong?

Nobody wanted to come for a session with the weights, so I went by myself, and glistening with sweat, I sat down to read my favourite book. Would Spot manage to run this time? Quality Literature never gets old.

However, while I was reading, I found out the rest of the lads went to the pub for a go at the local Kiwi custom of Dwarf Tossing. If I’d been there, then I’d have DOMINATED those sneaky little bastards and shown the team how its done.

Also feeling sorry for big ted, but now he’s going home, I can again DOMINATE the bench pressing competition again, and Jonno is sure to call up my old mucker Paul Doran-Jones. I do hope we can get the film club going again.

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