The Secret Diary of James Haskell (IQ 25 1/2). Date: 18th September

Well, this has been a turn up for the books.

Initially, I thought there was some mistake, because isn’t Georgia in the USA and they have a team here already, but Woody sat me down with “The Big Boys Book of European Countries” and pointed out where it was. But still, why was THE BIG BRAND not set out to DOMINATE these minnows. So, it’s a given that I was fuming, literally fuming, on Thursday when Jonno told me that I’d be DOMINATING the bench against Georgia. Not even a session in the weight room could cheer me up.

For fuck’s sake, I’m a fucking thoroughbred, and we need to RUN AND DOMINATE!!!

Anyhow, 5 minutes before the match Jonno’s brow had furrowed and there was steam coming out of his ears. All we could here were muttered “where is the fat c—” and “I’m used to him disappearing on the pitch, but not in the fucking dressing room”. After he tore the head off Dylan’s Anger Monkey, I tell you, I can’t say I blamed Nicky for hiding. Me, I could probably take Jonno with GUNS like these, but he looked like he was ready to crack a planet. You don’t try to DOMINATE against someone like that. It’s like entering an arse-kicking competition with a porcupine.

Eventually he turned to me and said, “Hask, you thick twat, get out there and DOMINATE the number 8 position, make it count, son”. Well, I’m not sure I appreciate the subtle insinuation, but, nevertheless, I’m always up for a spot of DOMINATION.

Unfortunately, I was so inspired by the late call up, that I forgot that in Rugby you have to catch the ball as well as just DOMINATE them, still, though, I got a few big barges in. We scored a shit-load of tries, but Cokey McFrontrow had a nightmare, and we gave away far too many penalties.

Chris did one of those stupid dives again. What’s wrong with him, everyone knows that when you DOMINATE the try line you turn to the crowd and give them the privelege of a full-on GUN SHOW. That’s how you do it. Useless northern monkey.

Romania next, and I already know that’s where Dracula comes from, so I’m eating garlic for breakfast until then.

Hope nobody goes to the pub tonight, as we need our journalists to be talking about our DOMINATION, not Tins grabbing some floozy’s norks.

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