The Secret Diary of James Haskell (IQ 25 1/2). Date: 20th September

I tell you, I’m in a right mood at the moment.

That chubby little yappy bugger at Scrum Half has had a public go at us Forwards. Apparently, it’s very frustrating for him and the rest of the backs to watch us give away penalty after penalty. I do think he has a point, but does he not understand that as a unit, we’re all about the DOMINATION and therefore a few penalties is a paltry price to pay. Anyway, I’m not listening to opinions of someone with a weak and flabby physique like that. I’m more likely to value what he has to say if he’s pounded the weights a few times and has a highly honed body like myself. Although it is unlikely that a back will ever take time off from styling their hair to put in the hard yards essential for the job.

Anyhow, someone at the BBC asked my opinion on it, which was a wise decision on their behalf, because I clearly am the DOMINANT voice in team talks. I said at the last one, basically, that us forwards are sick of this pigshit, and we have to start making examples of lippy bastards that glory hog behind us. I then put on my best glower and stared straight at “fat” Ben. He just snickered at me, and whispered something behind his hand to his mucker Toby that sounded suspiciously like “Neanderthal”. Well, that was enough for me, and I stripped off ready for a spot of inter-team DOMINATION.

Luckily for the pesky little sod, Jonno entered the room. He took one look at me standing in my full glory (I was sporting a semi, but the thought of DOMINATION always does that to me), and ordered me to “shut the fuck up”. He then proceeded to deliver a tirade culminating in the threat of beating the living shit out of each and every one of us forwards that kept infringing.

In the meantime, the backs all sat there combing their hair and bickering about the merits of mousse versus gel. This struck me as hugely unfair, but I wasn’t about to argue with him. He then told us that Nick wouldn’t be playing again, having disappeared in a suspicious sounding pie accident, so we’d be flying someone out to replace him. I have my doubts about this, and I reckon what really happened is that he was so intimidated by my DOMINATION against Georgia that he shat it and ran away to Australia, because let’s be honest here, that’s the only place powder-puff forwards like him can operate. No need for DOMINATION in Australia.

Jonno’s performance really was a masterpiece of morale building. It took me back to my early days at Wasps, when fresh from a promising career in the adult film industry, Dayglo took me under his wing and taught me the secrets of DOMINATION. I can still see him now, sweat glistening on his dome, tiny eyes screwed up with the force of pure intention, pinning me to the mat in one of our late-night naked wrestling sessions. It’s times like this that you learn the secrets of DOMINATION, and I’ve never forgotten his lessons. Neither has my proctologist.

So, we’ve got to wait until Saturday, when we will again show the world the meaning of DOMINATION, but I do hope that I don’t give away a penalty in that match as I suspect Jonno is just looking for an excuse to crumple me like coke can and then arrange for a bungee jumping accident.

He does not seem to be too chuffed with me at all at the minute.

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