The Secret Diary of James Haskell (IQ 25 1/2). Date: September 22nd

I’m in a bit of a quandary today. On one hand, there’s nothing that I love more, except DOMINATION, and maybe the gym, and possibly steroids, and naturally porn. Well, alright there are lots of things I love more than this, but I do really, really like seeing my name in print.

I’m a flaxen-haired modern Barbarian hero, a real-life Conan (if you will) and I love to read reports of me laying down the DOMINATION on the other tribes. Particularly those uppity Celts. Honestly, is Wales even a country anyway? Not to mention that I checked with Pater and he says that we own Ireland nowadays.

However, it seems this week that I’m being overshadowed by other team members. First that lippy little git Youngs was having a dig at our indiscipline, and now St. Jonny, Rugby’s Hari Krishna has been doing some trash talking in the press. The silly git has even let out the secrets of the last team meeting, and he knows full well that what goes on in the locker room STAYS in the locker room (I can’t imagine Queenie’s Granddaughter will be overly chuffed when she hears of our wrestling sessions. Yes, I am the blonde in that grainy CCTV footage).

Anyway, he talks in thinly veiled terms about me, THE GUN SHOW, and how I’ve volunteered to step forward to cut out the penalties. I’m going to do it by treating the ref to some hard-core DOMINATION, and he won’t dare blow up after that.To be honest, I’m utterly disgusted by this, because he has broken the sanctity of the dressing room and revealed the mysteries of the Illuminati to the gutter press. And the Guardian. I’m going to be paying those bastards a visit after the tournament ends, I can tell you that (and don’t think I’ve forgotten about you, you feline git). How are we meant to trust each other when certain flash Harrys are breaking the code, sacrificing the bond between men, the holy brotherhood of fellow warriors, for a few cheap headlines?

I am not impressed at all, and I can tell you this on the hush-hush, there’s going to be some hard core DOMINATION laid out on those buggers at our next meeting.

The reason for the quandary though, is that I’m most impressed by Ireland, particularly Stephen Ferris. He’s clearly been studying the GRAND MASTER, THE BIG FUCKING BRAND, and has picked up the basics of DOMINATION extremely well. Watching him drag Genia around like a frisky Stallion mounting a reluctant mare bought a tear to my eye and made my weapon of mass destruction twitch most alarmingly. I’m so impressed, actually, that I’m going to use this as the model and cart that little mouthy bastard Youngs the length and breadth of the South Island (who knew there were two Islands in New Zealand! Travel really has broadened my mind).

I’m looking forward to it immensely.

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