The Secret Diary of James Haskell (IQ 25 1/2). Date: 16th September

Well, I’m feeling proper pleased with myself today. So far in this RWC, I’ve DOMINATED the flight out, DOMINATED the Argies (apparently they speak Spanish, who knew?) and DOMINATED the weight room. However, the next step in the evolution of THE BIG BRAND is upon is. It’s now time for JAMES “BAD MOTHERFUCKER” HASKELL to DOMINATE the internets.

That’s right, someone has had the bright idea to get me, the most charismatic, witty, and erud-something member of the England rugby world cup squad to front a video diary. I tell you what, I’m looking forward to DOMINATING your tiny little pea-brains with the power that is HASK-CAM.

The only question for me is will you lot be able to handle footage of THE GUN SHOW in action? I mean this video is spicy stuff, what with it opening with yours truly, the finest specimen in the zoo, stepping out of the shower. It’s all steam and rippling muscles and I’ll tell you what, I had to pop back in to the booth for a spot of SELF-DOMINATION just at the thought of it.

Well, it turns out that Tins has been all up for the DOMINATION. Little did I know that on their night out at the Midget throwing, he’d hook up with some dirty piece of local skirt. I’m proper jealous, myself, because while I do tend to DOMINATE all over the park, I’m not much cop with the ladies, being easily distracted by the splendour of my own reflection and that they’re not into PED’s etc. Still, when I get a fine filly, she’s never known bedroom DOMINATION like it.

Also, I’m less than chuffed about what I hear coming from back home. The other day, I stopped by to have a word with Wilko before heading to the gym. I was, frankly, sick of him letting my DOMINATION down by kicking like a complete and utter tool, so told him that if he didn’t buck his ideas up sharpish, I’d be DOMINATING from the kicking tee as well. Anyhow, he looked up from his copy of “Buddhism for Rugby players” and casually flicked a copy of The Guardian across to me. I said to him “get out Wilko, I used to DOMINATE the rugby coverage in that rag yonks ago, and it’s never been the same since.” He just said “Peace, James-san, understand your inner buddha and go and check on-line. Some cheeky group of wags are publishing your diary behind your back”.

Well, I have to say that I was less than chuffed with the idea of this.

So, I went and found Lewis. He’s always injured so has plenty of time to learn new stuff, and I persuaded him to explain the internet to me. I’ve been DOMINATING twitter for ages, but I never knew there was so much stuff out there. Honestly, why bother going out to see Dwarf throwing, when you can pull up actual midget pornography on your lap top? Beats me, and there’s not much that can do that.

So, anyway, Lewis pointed me in the direction of the Rugby Blogs, and I have to say that I was quite impressed. For a while. All the bloggers seem to understand the need for DOMINATION and having a perfect set of guns to show off. The only thing is, they seem to think I’m a moron. When I found Ben, puking in the back of a taxi, and asked him to explain what a moron was, he just laughed. And fell asleep. So I went to find Nick, but the bugger had disappeared altogether. Eventually Crofty explained it to me, that they mean a person of tiny brain.

Well, I was not at all chuffed with this, so I utterly DOMINATED Lewis’ laptop. Anyone know where there’s a Dixon’s in New Zealand?

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