The Secret Diary of James Haskell (IQ 25 1/2). Date: 24th September

Not a lot to report today, really.

We went out, and as expected utterly DOMINATED Romania. No sign of Dracula though, but I’d bought my New York Strip just in case.

We put a lot of tries down, and that posing bugger Croft, who seems to think he’s a wing and isn’t that interested in the mucky side of DOMINATION scored. I’m not sure what he was playing at, though, because he was miles from where the ruck was. More to the point though, I wasn’t impressed with Foden’s celebration. Cradling a baby? What the fuck, Ben? Babies have no business being near DOMINATION, as they just can’t bring it with the required intensity. Don’t get me wrong, after a few years in the gym, and with the right supplements, they can grow some mini-guns and copy the DOMINATION from the sidelines, but it’s asking a bit much to expect them to do it on the pitch. On a personal note, I was a bit disappointed that I couldn’t cross the line to show him how you celebrate properly by performing THE GUN SHOW for no doubt appreciative Kiwi spectators, but it sadly wasn’t to be. Still, job done and no need to raise the morale in the dressing room with some WORLD CLASS BANTERTM afterwards.

After the match, we had Lee (he has to do something on the tour) measure the divot hole in the wall of the coaching booth. It was only 3 inches deep, which suggests that Jonno only punched the wall rather than putting the head on it. This, as we suspected, was a good sign, and I could have sworn he nearly smiled. He’s even bought Dylan a new anger monkey.

We’re topping the group, so I suppose things are going to plan, and Jonno insisted that we sat down to watch France play. Well, I was not impressed, not one little bit. As a keen student of history, as well as being completely familiar with La Lingua Espanol, I have to say that this wasn’t that unexpected.

There’s many a morning when I’ve been sat drinking a cup of tea (which the lazy frogs just can’t get right) on The Chumps Elysium pondering why the French aren’t into DOMINATION. France needed to get stuck in and dish out some DOMINATION to beat those kiwis, otherwise they were inevitably going to lose. I’m not picky where you lay the DOMINATION down, just provided that you do lay it down with the force of an angry god- anything less will simply not suffice, and France clearly didn’t have it in them to bring some divine retribution down on the All Blacks. Probably thinking about onions or something.

Anyway, if you look at the French, well, they clearly don’t like it up ’em. It’s just like when we beat them in the American War of Independence. This is why I’ve been such a success in the pink jersey of Stade Francais: I show them what the meaning of DOMINATION is. Which isn’t hard seeing as they’ve got an Italian at number 8, and no nation knows less about DOMINATION than Italy.

I suggested to Jonno that if we play the All Blacks, we need our own weapon of intimidation. He looked at me like I had just shat on his breakfast (mental note: that’s a cracking idea for some WORLD CLASS BANTERTM), but did at least ask me to explain. I put it to him that if the All Blacks are not only going to be so cheeky as to wear our change kit, but also then make us stand there like pillocks while they dance around with their tongues out, then we should retaliate by stripping naked and throwing a few poses. Nothing DOMINATES as hard as I do when in the buff with my muscles clenched. Needless to say, he patted me on the head and sent me on my way. I think he likes the idea and I really do believe that he values my tactical analysis before and after each match.

Jonno considering whether or not to allow me to do my war dance in front of the Kiwis

So, when events go to plan and we utterly DOMINATE the group, we’ll be facing off against the lily-livered cheese eating surrender monkeys, and I’m not worried at all about them now. We just need to despatch the Jocks first, but that’s a nation where men wear skirts, so they’ll no doubt not be up for the fight either. Just hope it doesn’t rain, as that will completely ruin the backs’ hairdos and they’ll want to look their best when claiming the glory for all our DOMINATION.

I suppose everyone will be off to the pub tonight, but I’m a more pensive character than that, so I’m going to curl up in my favourite budgie smugglers with a good book in front of a fire. The hotel was a bit cross with me last time for setting Wiggles’ bed alight, but after I explained that meditation was essential for DOMINATION to their staff, and they looked at me standing as sculpted as Michelangelo’s David, they let me off.

The only question is what to read…

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1 Response to The Secret Diary of James Haskell (IQ 25 1/2). Date: 24th September

  1. Mike says:

    I think the French may really have been involved in the American War of Independence, in a supporting role. Off the bench, as it were..

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