Ask James: I’m being DOMINATED by the Internets!

Well, this is a turn up for the books. That rude so-and-so that does the posts here has written to yours truly! Now, this must be serious, if he’s willing to risk his worthless hide by poking me with a stick like this. Something to do with him getting the on-line equivalent of egg all over his face. I googled that, incidentally, and saw a quite disturbing amount of pornography. Still, let’s see what the useless furball has to say for himself:

Dear James,

Long time fan here, and I’ve managed to land myself in a serious situation.

Despite being a fat cartoon cat, who moonlights as the pet of a nefarious villain, I work in marketing, and due to hating my job, I spend an inordinate amount of time messing about on the Guardian’s Rugby pages. It was here that I first saw your inimitable Rugby articles, and ever since then I’ve been a fan.

During this World Cup, I saw a post that claimed to be from your diary, and decided to pick up the idea and run with it by putting more of them in the comments pages under various articles. I’d been dodging work severely so was surprisingly prolific. When asked, I assembled them all in one place. In a moment of laziness, I included the original, and couldn’t be bothered to find out where it actually came from.

Imagine my amazement, when I discovered that the little blog took off. I was stunned. However, my laziness has been revealed and I stand here being (correctly) labelled as a thief for plagiarising Cleftydave on Planet Rugby. I merely intended to assemble all the diaries in one place, and authorial credit never even entered into my mind. I was just being too lazy to look it up and wrongly assumed that nobody gave a shit.

Since then, I’ve had my arse kicked severely by everyone in Planet Rugby; I have put up credits and corrections etc now. There is no doubt at all to me that I deserve it. However, I come to you in supplication in hope that you can let me know how (short of trashing the whole blog, which I’m rather fond of) I can make up for it?

Please help me, Obi-Wan Haskell, you’re my only hope.

Dr. Claw’s Cat.

Cleftydave of Planet Rugby dishes out just deserts to the Cat.

Well, you dirty feline git. I’m not sure that I should be helping you out with some WORLD CLASS advice.

Frankly, you’re a lazy, arrogant, rude tosser and deserve every single bit of opprobrium being currently heaped on your shoulders. Not only have you stolen the contents of my lap top, but you’ve plagiarised someone else, unintentional or not.

However, I can see that you basically have 2 problems and as today I am feeling magnam, magnim, magnimino, oh fuck it, generous, I can offer a solution for them:

1) You’re a lazy sod. The cure for this is simple: get your fat arse down to the gym and DOMINATE the weight room and supplements until you at least get some kind of fitness back. An impressive body and set of guns will improve your dedication and focus, and you won’t do things like that again.

2) You make stupid assumptions. The golden rule in La Maison Haskell is DON’T ASSUME ANYTHING. If you do, it will invariably come back to bite you on the arse and you’ll be on the receiving end of some DOMINATION.

Now, I’m going to give you a few ideas to help you out in your hour of need:

Firstly, you work in marketing, so could always follow Bill Hicks’ advice here:

However, as you not only work in that disgustingly whorish industry (did you have a hand in the black strip? If so, thank you very much, I look much like a hero of yore, except with a better build), but are the pet of a crap megalomaniac, then I suggest that you lack the integrity to follow through with the act that your dastardly deed demands.

Plagiarism isn’t the end of the world. Why, only the other day, Sean Fitzpatrick bought it to my attention that Sean “THOR” O’Brien is copying none other than yours truly by laying the DOMINATION down and is a kind of Irish BIG BRAND. At first I was outraged, then Chris took me aside and said that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and he’d been imitating Shane Williams’ swallow dive for ages. Or at least that’s what I think he said, as I struggle to understand him most of the time. I don’t speak Northern. Nevertheless, this comforted me, so I stopped mangling Jonno’s executive stress toy (incidentally, I don’t know why he needs one of these, what with us DOMINATING all and sundry here). A good session with the weights later and I was back to my happy-go-lucky self.

So, if you’ve made your apologies and done all the corrections, then there’s little more that you can do. You will look like a twat forever though, but I don’t let that get me down, so I don’t see why you should either.

However, on a personal note, now I know who is responsible for making me look foolish on the internet, I’m going to come for you when this is over and DOMINATE you so intensely that I’ll crush you with my giant shovel hands into the shape of a rugby ball. Once you have been suitably moulded, I’m then going to use you as the ball in a kicking competition with Wilko. He’s going to use a RWC ball, and while I believe that you’ll be heavier, I don’t think you’ll be less aerodynamic. And I can kick it harder than him.

Once I’ve punted your furry arse into the stands, I’m going to have you stuffed and mounted with a plaque that reads:

Dr Claw’s Cat: Arsehole.


Died in messy collision with human iceberg James Haskell

I will then hand you over as a war trophy to those people at Planet Rugby (particularly cleftydave), and I expect them to punish you by throwing darts and other suchlike at you on a daily basis. I hear that Steve “Steven Borthwick” Borthwick is a dab hand at Taxidermy, given the amount of times I’ve seen him get stuffed, and I’m sure he’ll do it for cost.

This will, I feel, serve you right, and I hope you have learned your lesson.

Don’t do it again.



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1 Response to Ask James: I’m being DOMINATED by the Internets!

  1. This is by way of penance and I’m drawing a line under the weekend. Everything is amended now as well with proper credit applied.

    Please, no more posts telling me that I’m a thief- I don’t moderate, and it was entirely my fault, so it’s fair do’s that I leave them up to show what a tool I am. It was just laziness, and my heartfelt apologies to all, but Cleftydave in particular.

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