The Secret Diary of James Haskell (IQ 25 1/2). Date: 28th September

Let me tell you, I’m damned excited for the weekend. In fact, I’m so excited that I’m positively frothing at the crotch. No joke, little James (not that there’s anything little about it, natch, although I did worry about some minor shrinkage during my last course of supplements) currently resembles a rabid dog chasing down a too slow rabbit.

This is going to be a good old-fashioned physical battle much like those we used to have in the long winter nights at Public School. Except this time we won’t be using pillows, we’ll be comparing the power of our DOMINATION and nobody can play the DOMINATION card like us.

I graciously granted an interview to that despicable pit of lefty vipers The Guardian the other day. In it, myself and Big C were given ample opportunity to discuss the relative merits of DOMINATION. I have to say, though, that I did concede in an ill-guarded moment that the Jocks would “want to DOMINATE us”. Unfortunately, the journalist did some inexplicable editing of the rest of the sentence which was “and let them fucking try it, because if they do then I shall rain my fury down upon them in a veritable orgy DOMINATION. In fact, there will be more DOMINATION on display than in the Conservative Party’s private brothel.” I then went on to discuss in great depth that Scotland is a piss poor country that even the Romans realised was better sealed off from this other Eden we call England. I explained that as far as I was aware it was full of morbidly obese fried-food addicts that can barely muster up the enthusiasm to put their pack of Superkings and can of Tennants Super down to come and watch their national Rugby team.

Scotland's late replacement for Murray doesn't scare me.

I have since been informed that the Scots invented practically everything of use on the planet (but couldn’t manage trousers, eh?) and as such I am a colossal ignoramus. I, however, remain sceptical of this, given that their own national anthem literally says that they used to be quite good once but are sadly far short of being able to DOMINATE the English now. Still, Edward the Second was only about, what, 80 years ago. I’m sure they’ll get it back one day.

I also talked about Andy Robinson saying that he “has been a great coach for a long, long time”. Stop laughing at the back, although he’s no Jonno and although he did refuse to select me, he’s much better than the days he coached England. Nevertheless, Wilko’s kicking radar won’t be awry again (he’s been spending a lot of time stroking his Buddha for luck. Incidentally, so have I, but I mean something entirely different by this) and he’ll start scoring the points our up-front DOMINATION demands. I’m, personally, looking forward to bursting through Parks’ channel and publicly DOMINATING him. As I said “It all adds to the spectacle”, and there’s no finer spectacle of an engorged HASK crunching Celts beneath his feet.

Looks right up my alley, this.

It was refreshing to be asked a non-DOMINATION question by the press, and I was pleased to answer. Although regular readers of this diary would be aware of my many and varied hobbies (great cinema, literature and working out, to name but 3), it is nice when the broadsheets take an interest. This time around we talked about Ultimate Fighting, and I have to say, I really did wax lyrical here. It’s nice to be able to talk about the purity of unarmed combat, where two nearly naked men can roll around on the floor in a cage grabbing at each other’s unmentionables. Of course, the eventual goal is to utterly DOMINATE your opponent, and I feel that this sojourn in Japan should allow me to learn some Mixed Martial Arts and when I return to dominate the English Rugby scene again, I think I’ll copy Sonny Bill Williams and do some cage fighting on the side. I’ll be DOMINATING on the pitch, in the ring (phwoar), and through the newspapers then.

I really shall become the ultimate pan-sport BIG BRAND and will transcend my humble origins to such an extent that small boys will wonder who could win in a fight, me or Gandhi. It’s a silly question, obviously, given that Gandhi doesn’t exist but if he did, then let me tell you that I would DOMINATE the little ninja utterly and send him back to Hong Kong with his nappy in a sling.

Best be off, Jonno wants to talk about “skillsets” or something. Fuck that, I’ll just go and pretend to pay attention while I focus on The DOMINATION.

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