The Secret Diary of James Haskell (IQ 25 1/2). Date: 5th October 2011

Well, the Quarter Finals are in front of us. I’m not much of a wagering man, but even I couldn’t call some of these match-ups.

Because I can’t resist microphones, video cameras, or attractive Kiwi hotel managers, I’ve reluctantly given another interview. I kept it to the point, as I’m already in hot water with Dark Overlord Jonno over the whole video incident the other night. In my defence, I was DOMINATING the team entertainment, and who would have thought that Freddy Got Fingered wasn’t porn and would receive such a stringent negative response. Grandpa Simon actually threatened me with physical violence if, in his words, “you don’t turn that unfunny shit starring that cretin off.”

I don’t understand all the hatred, personally, I thought it was comic genius and really relate to Tom Green’s character. Still, they’ll forgive me when I break out Catwoman, which promises to be a saucy affair indeed.

Nevertheless, the BBC is our national media outlet, so I was obliged to reply, but I kept it all very low key. My only complaint is that they again didn’t quote me properly, and wouldn’t let me DOMINATE all the questions.

I was very respectful. When asked about how I rated the French, I’m quoted as saying:

You always have to respect the French. Individually they have great talent, and having played in France for two years I know that if they get the mental side right they can turn up and beat anyone in the world

This is a complete bastardisation, but it did slightly get me out of the soup with Dark Overlord Jonno. What I actually said was (and it’s just as well they didn’t report me accurately, although Foden does seem to be allowed to say what he likes, which is a bit unfair):

Fuck the French. They’re a bunch of lily-livered cowards, and when they see me, THE BIG BRAND, in my full enraged glory preparing to lay down the DOMINATION on them, well, they’ll shit it and run quicker than Usain Bolt after someone’s spiked his coffee with laxatives. Seriously, I’ve lived in Paris for a few years, and they’re fucking poofs to a man. Mental side, my arse, and who the fuck has seen this mythical world-beating French side since 1999? I sure as fuck haven’t and I’ve got perfect (amongst other things) vision. They’re more elusive than Easter when the chips are down, and less often spotted than rocking horse shit. Fuck them, I’m looking forward to rampaging across the line then treating all the Kiwi chicks to the splendour of THE GUN SHOW. They’ll be wetter than the South Island in rainy season once they get a look.

When asked to elaborate, I’m quoted as saying:

They might have lost to Tonga, but you never know which team is going to turn up.

They’re waiting for a big performance, and they’re always enormously prickly during a World Cup. It’ll be a big challenge for us.

This is a gross inaccuracy. What I actually said was:

They may have lost to Tonga, Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha, what a bunch of pussies.

There’s no fucking challenge here. Bring on the sheep shaggers or the potato chompers in the Semi Final.

Why can’t they get it right? It’s merely an example of my rapier wit and cutting WORLD CLASS BANTER TM.

Jonny was a bit cross with me afterwards. He mentioned something about some Greek chicks he’d once dated called Hubris and Nemesis, but I’d zoned out by then, and honestly, his action with the lay-deez is not really up to the standards that I set (be still Little James). Although he does have better hair, and a much nicer tan. Still, that’s what you get poncing around in the tropics at Toulon. Anyway, I’m not fussed about what any fancy Dan back says. Not until he fixes his kicking, anyhow. I did try to show him the other day, but he told me to “fuck off”. I’m not sure how he manages to square this with Buddha, as it didn’t sound very karmic to me.

Still, the squad announcement is coming soon, and I’m sure that Dark Overlord Jonno will forgive me and entrust me to be PACK FUCKING LEADER against the French.

Best stop now, I’ve got an appointment with the weight machine and have to make sure I look my best for the trip to the countryside we’ve got coming. I’ve got to try to repair our image a bit, as although Jonno is all very keen on circling the wagons, I’m starting to wonder if perhaps we aren’t looking a bit stupid at home. Delon is sulking about his ban (which is fair enough, it wasn’t even a decent piece of DOMINATION, and you may as well get hung for shagging a sheep as a lamb, as I understand the saying goes round here) and even little Manu was fined the other day for some crap about BRANDING. Silly bugger should have asked me, because everyone knows that I DOMINATE BRANDING in these parts. He invited me to a prayer session after we hit the weights, but I’m not too keen on the idea of kneeling down. I don’t do kneeling, as it’s a bit submissive. I do DOMINATION. Why don’t people understand this about me?

Still, it should be a good afternoon, best check the batteries in HASK-CAM…

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4 Responses to The Secret Diary of James Haskell (IQ 25 1/2). Date: 5th October 2011

  1. Alex says:

    Excellent keep it up!

  2. TerryB says:

    But will James DOMINATE from the bench?

  3. david b says:

    v.good. enjoyed them all!

Comments are closed.