The Secret Diary of James Haskell (IQ 25 1/2). Date: 7th October 2011

I’ve been doing some thinking, and you know what? It may not be that bad a situation to have me on the bench. I’ve got plenty of time to work myself into the required state of emotional intensity. When the time comes, and Jonno declares “Cry Havoc and let slip the dogs of war”, then I’ll be a highly primed human wrecking ball and I think I’ll be just the dog for the job. I’m certainly going to wreak some fucking havoc, even if I’m not sure precisely what “havoc” is, but in context, I can only assume that it means DOMINATION.

While I’m thinking in a literary context, I’ve spent a hell of a long time pondering le mot juste (my Japanese is coming along swimmingly) to prepare the boys for battle. I’ve already said that this is no time for WORLD CLASS BANTER TM, so there is scant opportunity to relive the tension with scatological humour. Rather, we need to draw on the spirits of great Englishmen from the past to ensure that we DOMINATE the French as our ancestors used to.

So, I’ve put together a thought (I was going to say “a few thoughts” there, but I don’t think anyone would buy that) about what best to say. In retrospect, we’re responsible for some of the finest motivational writing in history, so I’ve turned to Shakespeare for inspiration. I didn’t want to, but Chris had hidden my copy of The Very Hungry Caterpillar (now there’s an insect that understands the need for a properly regimented diet if you want to develop perfect GUNS). I didn’t know how fucking boring Shakespeare was though, and what’s with the bloody writing style, it’s all “forsooth” this, and “Ere” that, and fuck knows what else. Can’t he write in proper BBC English?

What with my esoteric and eclectic reading tastes, the quotes are positively tripping from my tongue, but nevertheless, I really want to make sure it’s perfect. So, with this in mind, I forced Tom to put down his copy of Voltaire (why is he reading that shit, and in French!) and help me out. He pointed me in the direction of Henry Vth (Fifth what?) and even highlighted the right passage. I’m not personally sure that Shakespeare got the order right, and it’s a bit dated (not to mention silly), so I’ve made a few changes to adapt it for the modern specimen. Anyhow, here’s my homage to Shakespeare and a speech to stiffen the pecker of any good English rugby player:

Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more;
Or close the scrum up with our English fatties.
But when the blast of war blows in our ears,
Then imitate the action of THE HASKELL;
Stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood,
Disguise WORLD CLASS BANTER with hard-favour’d rage;
Then lend the eye a terrible aspect;
And scream a War Cry to put terror in their head,
Now set the teeth and stretch the nostril wide,
Hold hard the breath and bend up every spirit
To his full height. On, on, you noblest English (and the rest),
Whose blood is fet from fathers of war-proof!
Be copy now to men of more enhanced blood,
And teach them how to war. And you, good yeoman,
Whose limbs were made in England (and you too Dylan), show us here
The mettle of your pasture; let us swear (and I don’t mean fuck)
That you are worth your breeding (I know you’re from the North, Chris, but it will do);
For there is none of you so mean and base (even Ben “Taxi” Foden),
That hath not noble lustre in your eyes.
I see you stand like rampant beasts,
Straining upon the start. The game’s afoot:
Follow your spirit, and upon this charge
Cry ‘God for Jonno, England, and Saint Jonny of A&E!’

If this doesn’t put everyone in the mood for DOMINATION, then nothing will. However, I’m feeling so excited and am positively quivering at the thought of twisting the weak and feeble French into croissant shaped leavings that I had best make sure that I thoroughly spank Little James before emerging from the dressing room. There’s nothing worse than going out half cocked and a session of digital manipulation usually helps me think more clearly. I don’t want to incur Dark Overlord Jonno’s wrath by giving away stupid penalties.

There is a storm brewing, and I can see the lights going out. We shall not see them lit again until after we’ve DOMINATED that nation with the repulsive eating habits and sent them home to fucking think again.

Roll on tomorrow.

Fucking WOOF!

(See, I am a dog of war)

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380 Responses to The Secret Diary of James Haskell (IQ 25 1/2). Date: 7th October 2011

  1. HairBearHero says:

    I need to watch that film again. MrsHBH has never seen it, a crime I rate as almost relationship-ending.

  2. LarryMilne says:

    I think RoS put in a bit of chat about some girl he’d been with and suffered on the Rules of the Internet front (rules about which I am not knowledgable).

    My own misfortunes began with a couple of relevant tales about some stuff I’d been up to that were entirely appropriate – “on-tangent,” if you will – and lacking in gory details – all the way up to the elbow, in case you were wondering (joke) – and unencumbered by claims about my own promiscuity. Thus I think I avoided contravention of any online creeds, but the Sexpro Mk II stuff did kick off. Things got really sticky when similar things happened a couple of times – including exceptionally innocent stuff like me being knackered because the night before a friend came round for dinner, a friend who happens to be a woman, and didn’t leave till 5am – increasing the Sexpro murmurs.

    It’s not a brush with which I want to be tarred, needless to say.

  3. HairBearHero says:

    I’ve heard you once shared a hot-tub with the Victoria’s Secret Angels. All of them. In quite a small tub.

  4. KnockedOnBothWays says:

    You’re a ‘One Man Tangent’, OG

  5. KnockedOnBothWays says:

    If You Having Girl Problems
    I Feel Bad For You Son
    Sag Got 99 Bitches
    And Your Mums Is One!

  6. KnockedOnBothWays says:

    A musician? Really?

  7. KnockedOnBothWays says:

    Australians all let us rejoice
    For they are dumb and weak
    With golden showers and dirt for hours
    Their home is up a sheep

    This land of theirs is natures joke
    Their Rugby and beer piss weak
    At every stage, let history say, they fucked their neighbours sheep
    In joyful racism let us sing, they fuck their neighbours sheep

  8. KnockedOnBothWays says:

    See you guys when ‘The Breakdown’ opens up next time. Go hard for the points. They could be crucial in the wash up.

  9. LarryMilne says:

    Little known fact, HBH: the Victoria’s Secrets Angels actually invented the hot tub, so they could all share one with me.

  10. LarryMilne says:

    Are Breakdown’s now on Fridays as a matter of course.

    Because that’s fucking bullshit.

  11. sagmog says:

    This is you trying not to get tarred with the expro brush?
    Good effort.

  12. LarryMilne says:

    expro’s rep came about because he was chatting about things he was claiming were true.

    That thing about the Angels, sagmog… sorry to disappoint you, but it’s not true (I’m pretty sure).

  13. LarryMilne says:

    Especially because there’s plenty to talk about. New season, anyone?

  14. HairBearHero says:

    I dislike this trend of closing blogs down before there’s another opened for comments.

    Also, Breakdown on Friday is nonsense – all the action happens at the weekend and the majority of BTL posters are absent because this is a work-time procrastination thing. I’m busy being out and about and doing shit at the weekends.

  15. sagmog says:

    The fact we only get one comment piece a week, and comments close after 72 hrs is bigger bullshit.
    If the Breakdown is now a friday, and matches are played of a weekend, we are going to be disenfranchised once a week all season.
    This is an outrage, and will not stand.
    PS. KOBW really is the Prince of Plagiarism.

  16. LarryMilne says:

    We should probably up-pitchforks and complain.

  17. sagmog says:

    Your turn. Use one of them funny journo handshakes.
    Or threaten to write an expose…….”Beneath The Moustache”, sort of idea.
    He’ll respond to that, and you wont look like a nutter at all.

  18. LarryMilne says:

    “I know what goes on under there.”

    Yeah, hell love that.

    There’s no point emailing Rees, he just does what he’s told. We need to find out who the sports editor is, or his underling who looks after the rugby section.

  19. sagmog says:

    Bored, bored, bored, bored.
    On my tod for the next six weeks (unless I can find a work-related excuse to go to NY).
    Got a pilot to score, but it’s not due til November.
    Scotland has lost two of it’s best first choice backs for the AIs.
    We’re going to get Lamonted by a DeLuca.
    Depressed now.
    And bored. Bored, bored, bored.

  20. HairBearHero says:

    I love it when the boss asks me to rewrite some minor task and it then spirals into an utter clusterfuck involving programming languages I’ve never coded in before. Funtimes.

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