As part of my ongoing DOMINATION of the rugby pitch, the internet and the whole fucking world, I occasionally feel incumbent to demonstrate that I am not a cruel tyrant, rather I am a benign dictator who’s generosity is only surpassed by his sense of justice.
So, I’ve received this in my inbox, and the pleading and pathetic tone has touched me deep inside:
I’ve long been a big fan, and nothing has given me more pleasure than reading about your ongoing exploits in our fine 4th estate.
However, every summer I hit a quandary. Between eating tofu and weaving wicker sandals, The Guardian is my paper of choice, not least because of your fine words there back in the day. However, every summer they decide to send Kitson and Rees off on holiday and refuses to open the comments up.
This is terrible, because how else am I able to avoid work and skive?
Help me Oh, Hask, I feel that you are the only one that can, short of me going to the Torygraph, which I really don’t want to do.
Well, this is a tough one alright. There’s only really one source on the internet if you want to know which Hungarian Cabinet Maker would make a World XV, and I can quite understand your frustration.
On one hand, though, I have to weigh up the balance here. You have made many sarcastic remarks about me in the past, describing me in less than glowing terms. One git in particular has even described me as The Dumbest Ape in the Zoo. I feel this is unjust, as I am not only a magnificent physical specimen, but my mental acumen knows no limits. Seriously, you can’t break out the WORLD CLASS BANTER™ as often or as effortlessly as I do if you’re a moron.
So, I’ve decided to help out. I’m not just about the DOMINATION you know, I believe in faith and good will towards all mankind (unless they’re Welsh), and so I am going to grant you a huge favour. I’m going to open up my diaries to you, so you can discuss the various pressing issues of the day.
I’ll even set you a topic to start:
Wales, why? Discuss.
Oh, and if any of you make sarky remarks about steroids shrinking your genitals, then I’m going to come for you and DOMINATE you good and proper.