I haven’t checked my inbox for a while, being mostly content with DOMINATING the matrix via social media. So, imagine my surprise when I hear there is a kerfuffle over some silly new commenting system at the Guardian.
I am, frankly, not disposed to help you bastards out. Considering the amount of scorn, derision and even mockery you heaped on my mighty shoulders. However, it is the Christmas season, so I have chosen to take some time out from DOMINATING your puny iphones via the simply magnificent James Haskell application (for all your GUN SHOW needs), to help you.
Basically, these are the thoughts of the HASK on a variety of matters that no doubt have massive importance to your pathetic minds.
I have travelled the globe. I realise that many of you are Welsh, and so Swansea seems like an exotic destination. However, I decided that more distant climes needed some wisdom in the way of the Supplement, and furthermore, I would show those Kiwis how you DOMINATE from the base of the scrum.
New Zealand. Last time I was here the whole thing culminated in an embarrassing orgy of midget throwing, chambermaid molesting, and a loss to the FRENCH of all nations. Fuck’s sake, we simple don’t lose to the French. Yet we did.
Anyway, this time around, I discovered that not only is there more to New Zealand than we saw in the bits of Lord of the Rings where the two hobbits weren’t gazing longingly into each other’s eyes in an orgy of frustrated homo-eroticism, but also there was a quite unprecedented level of local wildlife to kill. As you know, being a properly educated gentleman, noting stirs my heart as much as obliterating an innocent animal on a fresh morning. Yes, the mighty HASK even DOMINATES local wildlife. Especially when they let me use a man-sized Rocket launcher. One word of advice: don’t shoot the sheep unless you want to be on the sharp end of the mother of all hakas.
Anyhoo, I return, much as the prodigal son returned to DOMINATE a fatted calf, to England for the Autumn Internationals. I’m horrified to discover that I am now surplus to requirements. Fuck’s sake- who the hell is this jumped up little PE teacher picking the side? Does he not know that I add ballast, aggression and (let’s face it) magnificence to any England pack?
Anyway, the results went less to plan for the first three games. We gubbed Fiji (nothing to say), then inexplicably (despite a sterling cameo from myself) managed to lose to the Convicts and those disgusting savages from the arse end of Africa in the next two games. However, the best was yet to come…
The final match was against the mighty All Blacks and from start to finish the men proudly bearing the red rose DOMINATED them. It was simply awesome and I am now semi-tumescent watching the highlights on Youtube at the moment. Even Ginsters broke his duck. About fucking time too.
It was, simply, earth shattering.
Now, back to the point.
I am a proud Englishman. As such, I hold nothing but contempt for that despicable pit of lefty Vipers that resides at The Guardian. Even if they did employ me for a while to try to DOMINATE the sports pages with some well placed WORLD CLASS BANTER. However, I hear your cries that are howled into the ether, and I understand that you are all being fucked over by MBA idiots (MBA? What the fuck kind of supplement is that? Never heard of the cunt, and if I haven’t then it isn’t worth bothering with). As such, I understand that you are on strike.
It is the duty of every free born Englishman to raise his hand against injustice. So, being a magnanimous and gracious lord, I now throw open my diary to you, on this day. Fucking express yourselves
We are one, we are bold, we are mighty, and we will DOMINATE.