Wood

300px-Taxus_wood

*You Leftie wanker refugees from the Guardian are still at it I see. Has there been a word of thanks? Fuck no. I take a bunch of socialists to my oiled, muscled bosom and they shit on it. A glass-top coffee table I could understand. We’ve all been there. My oiled, muscled bosom is another thing. Fuck you all.

Anyway. Wood. Love it. Rub it hard enough and it bursts into flame. Warms you up quicksmart on a winter’s day. Rub a briquette hard enough and you get a diamond. That’s what Ginsters swore to me anyway. I left him to it, stupid northerner. Give me wood. And how don’t I tire of hearing that?

Which brings me to my point. *Jeffrey said I need a point. I said, “Fuck off and keep scribbling, Jeffrey, you haven’t sold a book since you got out of jail, think yourself lucky the Tories pointed you in my direction in my hour of need!”.

This, you socialists, is the point:

Tom-Wood_2568713

This is Wood I can do without. Taught the fucker everything he knows about DOMINATION and what does he do? DOMINATES the sheep-shaggers, the fush and chups fags. Leaving me exactly where? Out on my oiled, muscled arse. Fucker.

Well, far be it from me to publicly diss any England teammate – cunts, all of them, just between you and me, you socialists – but who else saw that mob of potato-eaters in red and white TOTALLY DOMINATE Saints on Friday night? Where was the fucker himself on Friday night? Nowhere! MISTER INVISIBLE!

I await the call from Mr Lancaster.

Who I didn’t see in Aquitaine on Saturday night to watch me DOMINATE Bayonne. I graciously left the try scoring to one of the fatties and that little fella with the politically incorrect first name who scuttles up and down the touch line like a flea with a TURBO CHARGER up its arse. Christian? What sort of first name is that? It’s a religion for fuck sake! The rugby pitch is no place for religion. Or girls.

Okay, socialists, now fuck off while I track down a new set of crayons.

James

*As told to Jeffrey Archer on account of I wore out my crayons writing Property of J. Haskell, England, UK, Northern Hemisphere, The World, Milky Way, Universe, Whatever Else Comes After Universe on my wood.

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461 Responses to Wood

  1. toooldtoplay says:

    Having reviewed almost 20 documents in the last two days I allowed myself some time to reflect on what’s going on in the rugby world.

    The thought occured that with Priestland now crocked the way is open for Agent Orange to return to the Welsh team for the 6 Nations, just in time to become a shoe in for the Lions. Just a thought….

    I can understand the logic of not taking Edwards as Defence Coach (Faz will do a better job) but why take Howley? There must be a better backs/attack coach somehwere!

  2. PlanetoftheChimps says:

    @Underdog

    I Think there’s room for ‘the view from the top, Captain Sam’s thoughts on life, the universe and Wales’

  3. Kocktopuss says:

    @HBH

    Go for it!

  4. toooldtoplay says:

    “@HBH

    Go for it!”

    Seconded!

    And Chimp’s offer of the views of captain Sam

  5. titimanionga says:

    Jack Isaac has been shown the door from Biarritz:

    Biarritz Olympique Pays Basque has signed temporary exemption from work with two coaches, Serge Milhas & Jack Isaac. Coaches agree to be exempted from occupation until January 6, 2013 inclusive. Temporary cover will be provided initially by Laurent Rodriguez, athletic director BOPB and Rourre Mathieu, director of the training centre.

    Apparently Yach was livid with Isaac after the match in Galway, and Blanco has kicked some arse, again. Unsure as to whether this could be great or awful for us.

  6. Underdog says:

    PlanetoftheChimps

    byline – owner of one Grand Slam, RWC Semi Final, and the tears of a nation.

    I’m thinking of doing a Rob Andrew one. Basically I’ll C+P all of Gollum’s speeches about ‘the precious’ but adjust the context so that said ‘precious’ is actually a job with the RFU.

  7. A little feature with Stuart Lancaster as a school career adviser?

  8. Underdog says:

    Mathieu Rourre splits his time between Biarritz and Worcester. I wonder how that will affect us now.

  9. Underdog says:

    Who’s going to be the first to post mundane drivel (in the style of Alan Partridge) underneath the banner of Steve ‘Steve Borthwick’ Borthwick?

  10. PlanetoftheChimps says:

    The possibilities for diaries are endless

    Diary of the invisible man: Nick Easter
    Notes on how to make friends and influence people: Agent Orange (could be Quade)

  11. A carpenters son – Nailed On Sexton

  12. PlanetoftheChimps says:

    Doctor Strangelove: How I learned to stop worrying and love the bum. Gareth Thomas, the Movie

    I’ll get me coat

  13. dermott says:

    I’ve got the first instalment of The Honey Badger’s Diary ready to go when this blog starts to creak.

  14. sagmog says:

    Less suggestions more writing.
    Dermott, are you going to start a new category?
    Rather than post under James.
    (Quick work by the way. Fucksake)

  15. Kocktopuss says:

    @Nagtoomog

    I’d have a good chunk written were work less busy. As it is I can barely keep up with my copious level of blogging.

    For now Dermott is way out ahead as the pace-setter with his quick time. Suspiciously quick…

    DERMOTTISADRUGSCHEAT!

  16. rachel685 says:

    I could definitely do a Johno advice column, I think. But I’d need people to write in with their problems!

    I also worry that any attempt on my behalf to channel HASK-VOICE will wind up sounding basically like Ross O’Carroll Kelly minus the D4 patois…

  17. dermott says:

    @Sag

    Practice. Years of practice. I think we can keep going under James providing there’s always some – even loose – connection to James. James-themed, if you will. Otherwise I don’t know how easy the blogs would be find from the front page.

  18. Dermott had his leaded LANCE moving super quick, his ARM holding it STRONG, in order to finish in such a quick time. He IS perhaps listening to some up tempo music e.g. love is A DRUG by Roxy Music to perk him up a bit – the CHEAT.

  19. Underdog says:

    I’ll stick to suggesting. Not sure I have the requisite skill for an internationally-renowned blog.

  20. toooldtoplay says:

    Rachel, I think that’d be a blast, I’m sure a the members of Old Wanktonians Extra B would love to have your advice on so many matters.

    And please don’t stary into D5, my ex comes from there & I’ll start mumbling obscenities….

  21. toooldtoplay says:

    That should have been stray – damn this lack of spell check & thoughts of my ex….

  22. Kocktopuss says:

    One last suggestion for possibly the bravest volunteer on here, whomever that may be;

    Expro’s Old-Pro’s Sex-Tips

  23. Craigsman says:

    How about a column on how to keep on going and be seen as important, regardless – by ROG?

  24. sagmog says:

    Dermott. I stuck a (more) quicktag into “Wood” so you don’t get the whole post appearing on the home page.
    This appears to be the Cat’s house style.
    Could you stick one at an appropriate point in the Hunny Badger one?
    Ah, this takes me back to uni.

  25. I already did “Ask James”. Forgotten why. Probably because he hadn’t been dumb in the press for a day or two and I needed material. It’s easy, actually, Ask James.

  26. sagmog says:

    I already did “Ask James”.

    That’s why I was thinking about a new category for guest diaries.
    You’ve got “Reading with the Hask” as well.
    Would be tidier if we had a “Special Motherfucking Guest” category.
    Keep James’ diaries for James.

  27. Dear Aunt Rachel,

    I’m from Wales.

  28. Kocktopuss says:

    Would be tidier if we had a “Special Motherfucking Guest” category.
    Keep James’ diaries for James.

    Agreed. With the sheer levels of creativity we as a group can (theoretically) churn out when properly motivated there’s a danger The Hask gets buried in the multitude of new non-Hask stuff.

  29. Kocktopuss says:

    @kjh

    I’m glad there’s just me in the office at the mo as it let me laugh out loud at the volume that comment deserved.

  30. Chekhovian says:

    I am quite, quite bored today. That is all.

  31. dermott says:

    @Sag

    Yes, I think you’re right. I’ve created a category for the Honey Badger called “James’ Unwanted Guests”. Any “guests” can go in there.

  32. HairBearHero says:

    Chekh – that’s a shit question, but an easy one for THE BIG BRAND to DOMINATE. Stop being bored, crank up the WORLD CLASS BANTER and then go apeshit over your nearest chambermaid.

    Boredom succesfully DOMINATED.

  33. rachel685 says:

    I’m glad there’s just me in the office at the mo as it let me laugh out loud at the volume that comment deserved.

    Same here!

  34. HairBearHero says:

    Dermott – is this Honey Badger piece already up? Can’t wait.

  35. dermott says:

    @HBH

    Not yet, still tweaking it. If you’ll pardon the expression. The Badger has his own unique way with … words.

  36. sagmog says:

    I’ve got my one and only VFBTS ready to go.
    Let me know, and I’ll post it.

  37. dermott says:

    Go for it. The Honey Badger can wait.

  38. sagmog says:

    Right. It’s up. Filed under James’ Unwanted Guests.

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