*You Leftie wanker refugees from the Guardian are still at it I see. Has there been a word of thanks? Fuck no. I take a bunch of socialists to my oiled, muscled bosom and they shit on it. A glass-top coffee table I could understand. We’ve all been there. My oiled, muscled bosom is another thing. Fuck you all.
Anyway. Wood. Love it. Rub it hard enough and it bursts into flame. Warms you up quicksmart on a winter’s day. Rub a briquette hard enough and you get a diamond. That’s what Ginsters swore to me anyway. I left him to it, stupid northerner. Give me wood. And how don’t I tire of hearing that?
Which brings me to my point. *Jeffrey said I need a point. I said, “Fuck off and keep scribbling, Jeffrey, you haven’t sold a book since you got out of jail, think yourself lucky the Tories pointed you in my direction in my hour of need!”.
This, you socialists, is the point:
This is Wood I can do without. Taught the fucker everything he knows about DOMINATION and what does he do? DOMINATES the sheep-shaggers, the fush and chups fags. Leaving me exactly where? Out on my oiled, muscled arse. Fucker.
Well, far be it from me to publicly diss any England teammate – cunts, all of them, just between you and me, you socialists – but who else saw that mob of potato-eaters in red and white TOTALLY DOMINATE Saints on Friday night? Where was the fucker himself on Friday night? Nowhere! MISTER INVISIBLE!
I await the call from Mr Lancaster.
Who I didn’t see in Aquitaine on Saturday night to watch me DOMINATE Bayonne. I graciously left the try scoring to one of the fatties and that little fella with the politically incorrect first name who scuttles up and down the touch line like a flea with a TURBO CHARGER up its arse. Christian? What sort of first name is that? It’s a religion for fuck sake! The rugby pitch is no place for religion. Or girls.
Okay, socialists, now fuck off while I track down a new set of crayons.
*As told to Jeffrey Archer on account of I wore out my crayons writing Property of J. Haskell, England, UK, Northern Hemisphere, The World, Milky Way, Universe, Whatever Else Comes After Universe on my wood.