Not The Honey Badger Diaries (I)

badger

December 13th, 2012

Dear Di-ar-ree-a!

Haaaaaa! Cop that for a thigh-slapper for starters! Quade gave me that little beaut. Reckoned he read it on someone’s laptop.

Fair dinkum, when I heard that the Ponce – that’s what we call him, Hask, the prancin’ pumped-up full-of-himself showpony, he’d have to be a ponce, wouldn’t he? Try to tackle the prick and you slip off on account of all the Johnson’s Baby Oil? And the plum in his mouth? And not always his own plum? See where I’m comin’ from? – so when I heard he had his own internet blog – you’ve heard of this internet thingamee? The outer-fuckin’-space thing full of sheilas with their tits out and stuff?

Anyways, I hadn’t heard of it in me travels, not once. I mean, fuck me, Honey Badgers aren’t into that wanky stuff. Like, Honey Badgers just go one-on-one against male lions and who’s up for a couple of kilos of lion mince anyone? Phawwwww. The old y-fronts are under a bit of pressure here, folks.

It was Dingo Deans that pointed me in the direction of this internet thingamee. He goes, like in that weird accent he’s got, just like Danny Carter and Ruchie? – like it sounds like ‘Strayian only you gotta screw your ears up to work out what they’re sayin’? So Dingo goes to me, “Hey, Badger, the Ponce has got an internet blog set up and he wants you to contribute to it”. And I went, “Aw, fair suck, Dingo, speak ‘Strayian!” It took Diggers Ioane to give me the drill. Diggers was born in En Zed so he gets their lingo. Plus he’s got a few Samoan corpuscles and a heap of them weird tatts which probably helps. Thank Christ he does all Dingo’s translating for the squad or – fuck me! – we’d be running in meats from all over the paddock every week!

So I whipped out me lead pencil, and AAC goes, “Put it away, Badger, you don’t flop it out in public”. And I go, “Aw, get one up yer, Two-Dads!”

Fuckin’ Two-Dads. Fer cryin’ out loud. Ace bloke – if he’d pop the pill out the back door to me once in a while when I’m screamin’ for it he’d be top-shelf – but you know what? The bastard’s descended from royalty? Lah-dee-dah manners – gets out of the team bath for a leak, goes outside to fart! I mean, what’s a rugby dressing room for? To splash ’round in yer mates’ wee and gas the shit out of each other with SBDs! Little Willy Genia? Christ, he can pass one quicker than he passes the pill. The last place you want yer locker’s next to Gasser Genia. If there was a World Championship for SBDs, Willy’d leave ’em all for deadus. That’s Latin. Kurtley told me it and he went to a Catholic school so he oughta know.

Anyways, Two-Dads gives me a biro. Licked the end of the thing like I always do me trusty old Staedtler HB and the fucker wouldn’t write no more. Plus I got a blue tongue. Which reminds me, ever seen a Honey Badger claw the canastas off a Blue Tongue Lizard? Phawwwwwwwwww. Getting the tent of all tents in the old y-fronts now, folks, I’m here to tell ya.

So there I am with nothing to write with and up pops Big Kev Horwill. Great bloke, Kev, for a Queenslander, ‘cept he’s stupider than your average one on account of he’s a gi-normous cunt so his head’s closer to the sun? Like it’s cooked his brain? Anyways, Kev gives me a crayon. He’d finished writing his name on his hand ’cause he’s always forgettin’ it. Plus Kev reckoned the Ponce writes with crayons and Kev reckoned he’d be tickled at the tribute like?

So anyways, here I am, crayon in me mitt. What can I tell yers?

Ah! Yeah. Little fat Benny Robinson – jeez, are props as thick as pigshit or what? Benny reckoned there was some sort of tournament goin’ on this weekend up north, the Heineken Cup, and did I reckon could Saints bounce back against Ulster? “What? In Queensland?”, I went. Benny went, “Nah, further north!”. Fuckin’ props! There’s nothin’ further north than Queensland!

And what else can I tell yers?

Um …

Jeez, I better knock off now. Me brain’s startin’ to hurt.

Cheers, see yers next time, and may all yer meats be fat ones!

The Badger

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952 Responses to Not The Honey Badger Diaries (I)

  1. dermott says:

    Racing up 12-3 over Embra.

  2. thaumaturge says:

    Hodges? Never heard of him.

    Speaking of refs, haven’t seen Rolland around for a while, which is a shame as I always thought he was pretty good. *Waits for Welsh contingent to go ballistic.*

    Nigel Owens is always good value for funny comments, and a decent even-handed ref too.

    The French bastards are terrible, and I say this as a general francophile. Didn’t think anyone could be much worse than Poîte (rhymes with prat) until I saw his sub last week.

  3. Piperboy says:

    Another 10 minutes advantage for Connaght but they just can’t secure first phase ball.

  4. dermott says:

    Rolland’s a dick. Unanimously voted so by the BTLers. Poite probably came second.

    Hodges is Welsh. All I know about him. Prop drives in at one scrum and is penalised, another prop does the same thing at the next scrum and his opponent is penalised,

  5. dermott says:

    @Piperboy

    Biarritz are just playing the conditions so much better. Bit of a masterclass from Yachvilli.

  6. paddyirish says:

    Very pleasing to see rolland lined up for the Calcutta Cup…

    Have tickets for Scotland-Ireland – that will be Wayne Barnes which will be Ok as he doesn’t need to speak French…

  7. Piperboy says:

    Yeah, they’ve realised that a ball is never going to bounce dead so they can bomb it back down each time Connacht knock it on. Must be destroying the poor forwards!

  8. crovier says:

    hi all- ive been a long time lurker but this is my first post
    just wanted to say well done all- hope this works as a replacement for the graun

  9. crovier says:

    and im a connacht fan who can’t get to a telly so appreciate the updates…not that it sounds like its going well- whats the score now?

  10. dermott says:

    Welcome, crovier. We’re doing our best.

  11. crovier says:

    strange thing this year is that connacht are actually much better in good conditions- complete opposite of the norm wher eeveryone prayed for a storm for home games at the sportsgrounds

  12. dermott says:

    Still 10-0 with about 4 minutes to go. Second half has been a swamp wrestle. Biarritz have come pretty close once or twice though. They’re playing the conditions so much better. Yachvilli is a cunning little bugger. Parks has kicked poorly, short and straight to Biarritz. The conditions need territory and Connacht have rarely had any.

  13. Handsoff7 says:

    Hi crovier, welcome and enjoy (says the man 6 hours into his posting career)

    Who would of guessed that some many of us lurkers would come out in a day!

  14. dermott says:

    @Handsoff

    And good on all of you. An indictment of the freakin’ Graun and their rubbish research. The change was all about generating extra income via more hits via their new system. Disguised by their so-called research.

  15. crovier says:

    ive often thought of doing it before but never plucked up the courage before…its a strange combination of feeling like i now everyone herefrom lurking(yourself excluded handsoff) but still being the new guy walking in to a group of friends

  16. crovier says:

    sorry for the spelling- note to self- read before posting

  17. dermott says:

    Jeebers, another try to Biarritz after another poor Connaught kick out of defence. That’s it. 17-0.

  18. dermott says:

    @crovier

    It’s one of the best, most supportive group of forum bods that I’ve come across. The occasional squabble but they usually work themselves out.

  19. thaumaturge says:

    Hallo crovier – I’ve never posted much on the rugby blogs (although plenty on politics and Cif), but this is a weirdly comforting place.

  20. thaumaturge says:

    Dermott -argh. I was really hoping Connacht would do something, from my blind sofa.

  21. avsfan says:

    crovier, you say you have no telly, but obviously a computer. Do you watch live streams on line? If not, go here: http://www.wiziwig.tv/competition.php?part=sports&discipline=rugby

  22. avsfan says:

    Not sure how to embed a link here.

  23. thaumaturge says:

    And the Beeb is saying 17-0 is result, as well as Embra 3 – 17 Racing.

    Not what I’d hoped on either front.

  24. dermott says:

    @thauma

    They just were never in it unfortunately. Tried hard, no doubt about it, but Biarritz had better skills in the conditions, used the conditions better. Parks was always under pressure but he didn’t kick well. I don’t think they even got into Biarritz’s 22 in the first half, not even via the boot.

  25. paddyirish says:

    Welcome crovier – great to see you, but sorry to see tonight’s result.

  26. crovier says:

    @ dermot- yeah you all seem like a sound bunch
    disppointed with connacht result…though its a big change that anything other than an ass kicking away in france is a let down

    @ avs thanks for the link
    i do have a telly just not under my control tonight!
    just got kids in bed so and new match was nearly over so was too lazy to search for aa link to streaming
    thinking of getting stuck into an innis & Gunn now to drown my sorrows!

  27. paddyirish says:

    thaum

    scrum.com have a better live text service than BBC. some reasonably good articles there as well.

  28. dermott says:

    @avs

    I think it’s a href=”url”>What you call the link</a

    With the arrow heads at each end.

  29. crovier says:

    hi thaum, hi paddy- thanks for making me feel welcome
    probably should shut up now- just here five mins and hogging the blog!

  30. David_Puddy says:

    Was willing to give the Graun a chance in the hope that they fixed the comments but tonight they’ve opened comments on the kindergarten shooting in the States and have me sick!

  31. paddyirish says:

    crovier – you will get on well here with taste in beer like that…

  32. dermott says:

    The a before href is part of the code.

  33. dermott says:

    Okay, that’s it for me tonight. ‘Night all. Welcome to the newcomers. I have to get up early in the morning and get on with the next instalment of the Honey Badger’s musings on life and lions’ canastas.

  34. crovier says:

    @ paddy – ive noticed it mentioned alright!

  35. avsfan says:

    thinking of getting stuck into an innis & Gunn now to drown my sorrows!

    When the going gets tough, the tough start drinking.

  36. paddyirish says:

    Embra – that is shocking – averaging 3 points a game, no tries scored. What has gone on?

    Haven’t been to any games – had ticket for tonight but all family down with a stinking cold and didn’t fancy it. What’s happened to the likes of Netani Telai – who was a real candidate for the ERC player of the year last year?

  37. crovier says:

    its kind of looking like embra last year was just one of those freak runs that can happen- no?

  38. thaumaturge says:

    Paddy – thanks for the link. Got it saved now.

    Commiserations to the Connaught and Embra fans.

    Off to bed meself.

  39. avsfan says:

    Arse. I’ll need another tutorial.

  40. crovier says:

    @avs- i thought you knew what you were at and was going to ask you for tips!

  41. Handsoff7 says:

    Good night ladies and gents, have enjoyed my first day as a poster, catch you all tomorrow,

    Crovier great to hear from you, I’ve nearly posted here for a long time and it’s good to find I wasn’t alone.

  42. sagmog says:

    Right, can’t keep up with all the new posters, so, welcome all.
    I’ll have a FAQ/best practices thing up tomorrow.
    Cat, Dermott, Chek etc, I’m happy to do admin, but would rather someone else chose the publishing of blogs.

  43. avsfan says:

    @crovier – no, me and technology are like the scene in Zoolander when Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson try to break into the computer.

    I do know how to do the following, however, thank to other posters:

    blockquote: (blockquote)words you want to quote(/blockquote)

    bold: (b)words(/b)

    italics: (i)words(/i)

    Except, in all cases, substitute ( and ) for

  44. killerline says:

    @Sag

    If we continue to amass citizens will we move towards publishing an actual online paper?

    I think we’re too potentially power-hungry to make it work.

    I would move to have all Irish-Frence referees deported and that’s just for starters…

  45. killerline says:

    The blog-Killer strikes again.

  46. beadleclaw says:

    Good to see youse all going strong over here. Great to read everyone’s goes at the blog too (esp. the honey badger).

    @crovier to get updates I’ve been using twitter using the team names as searches. You get all kinds (lots of swimming pool refs tonight!) but a good real time feel sometimes for what’s happening.

  47. rachel685 says:

    @Crash, your tank XV fills me with joy, and while on the one hand it hurts me to see my beloved T34 compared to Dan Parks, on the other I can kind of see why you did it. Sadly I am too drunk to make proper additions, but I applaud your first attempt.

  48. LarryMilne says:

    Thought Biarritz were excellent. Connacht fought gamely but it was a day for the stronger pack – and they don’t come much stronger than Biarritz – and, although Parks kicked poorly, it’s hard to argue that BO weren’t well worth the result.

    My usual complaint, though – the Basques threw the ball about well in horror conditions. Why are they so often so boring and so underwhelming? Must be because of all the success they’ve had…

    I have little interest in such technical aspects of war. In fact, I think my lack of enthusiasm for tanks, etc, is basically just the same as my flatliner for cars, gadgets, the latest phones/tablets/shiny brushed aluminium things. That said, I can see far more appeal in tanks and planes and things the design of which helped move the tectonic plates of human history. Don’t think the iPad will ever have its own Airfix model. I find war as fascinating as the next man; sucker for a human story generally.

    Currently drinking black coffee and watching the cricket. Playing (rugby) this afternoon, will miss the HEC games (catch up tomorrow). Considering curry (hot) for breakfast.

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