A View from on High – The Life and Times of Richie Gray at Manchester Scottish

It wasn’t meant to be like this. How can it be that I, the Small-Faced Chaos Machine, have been reduced to packing down in a scrum with Andy Powell’s massive idiot head placed firmly next to one of my butt cheeks? No wonder Sale has a shit scrum – instead of concentrating on pushing like mad, all I can think about is that the great galoot’s moustache might jump off his face and burrow its way somewhere unpleasant. Apparently people get us mixed up from afar, which is the most insulting thing I have ever heard.

RGray001 It was all going so well. All that time spent in the Stretch-o-Matic when I was a kid, like what they did to that boy in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, was starting to pay-off. Rave reviews in the Rabo, and for Scotland. ‘Best lock in the world’, they said. ‘Nailed on for the Lions’, I was told. Ha! Now people are picking Geoff Parling ahead of me for their Lions teams. Geoff Parling! The man looks like a proper teuchtar. He should be in some horribly incestuous 1970s family folk group, where even the wife and daughters have beards. At least I have style. And a small face. How can I fly like an eagle when I’m surrounded by turkeys?

Mr Diamond promised me that Sale would bring in some quality, with me as the star player, but what did I find? A coaching hokie-kokie. Powell. Dickinson. Richie Vernon, who still looks like a stick insect pretending to be a No 8. And fucking Cippers! I spend all my time running around doing his tackling for him. I miss Glasgow. I played with some hard men in that team. Tough as teak. Big Al wouldn’t have taken any of Powell’s shit, no siree. If Danny Cipriani had flapped at a tackle like a little girl in training with the Warriors, Mike Cusack would have sat on him ‘til he said sorry. Which would have been pretty quickly. The rolls of chub on that man are a thing of beauty. At least Frazer MacKenzie is here to keep me sane.

Sometimes, if I’m feeling lonely, I’ll go round to his flat and we’ll lie together on his bed, spooning, and thinking of the Old Country. Speaking of Scotland, things are bad up there too. Not just because, with my departure, the people of Glasgow now have no interaction with a tall, well-nourished human being. No, wins for our teams are getting as rare as rocking horse shite. We even managed to lose to Tonga. Fair play to the Islanders, they were terrific, while we were guff. Absolute keech. They were of course assisted by not having Nick de Luca on their team – even I’m not tall enough to catch some of his passes. A rumour has reached me that he may have actually completed a scoring pass recently. It can’t be true – such a thing would only take place in a world gone topsy turvy. I’d sooner bet on Alex Salmond losing weight than NDL doing anything useful on a rugby pitch.

So, basically, it’s all turned to shit. The only thing I’ve got to look forward to is playing against Ireland in the Six Nations – hopefully Rob Kearney will run away from me again and I can get my career back on track. If I’m lucky I’ll get a ticket on the Lions trip – I’m already getting texts asking me if I can get Mike Cusack to sit on Howley from now until late summer so we actually have a chance of beating the Aussies. I’ve passed on the request to The Coo, who seems strangely keen. These McYorkshiremen are a weird bunch.

Anyway, I’m off to buy more hair dye. I’m thinking of turning my beautiful locks into some sort of purple colour, just to make doubly sure I don’t get confused with Andy fucking Powell ever again. Cheerio.

As hastily copied out of Richie’s diary very quickly by Chek.
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About sagmog

Just the facts, man.
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437 Responses to A View from on High – The Life and Times of Richie Gray at Manchester Scottish

  1. Chekhovian says:

    @HBH – No, that just counts as weird. Run, ROS, run.

  2. Chekhovian says:

    @Sag – this is the Supreme Court that, until recently, thought it was in the states’ powers to make sodomy illegal. So, yeah, own guns and shoot people all you like, just don’t commit buggery. ‘Cos we don’t like dem faggits.

    Weird.

  3. themightykruppe says:

    @Chek – I know, not knocking you journos. Having “studied” journalism at university and spent the first few years of my working life as an everyday hack, completely understand the urge to get THE story or THE aspect of a particular story that gets you/your outlet most read.

    But (and I know this is a shit, shit comparison) look at the Grauns coverage of the shootings compared to the Mails…

    And I imagine that most of the US networks will be in the mould of the latter, rather than the former

  4. HairBearHero says:

    On another note:

    @Crash – you still about? If so, given your love of all things nerdy and your new gym hobby, get yourself on this: http://www.fitocracy.com and hit me up – Magic9Ball

    It’s basically an RPG where you get massive.

  5. Chekhovian says:

    @kruppe

    Ah, another alumni of the BTL Journalists Club. That makes three of us. Larry and I will show you the secret handshake and your special car-parking slot tomorrow.

  6. avsfan says:

    Anyone remember that episode of the Simpsons where Homer goes to buy a handgun. He picks one out, then the salesman tells him he’ll have to wait for the background check, and to come back tomorrow to pick it up. Homer responds “Tomorrow? But I’m angry now!”

  7. Chekhovian says:

    Great stuff from this Democrat Senator, who is also an NRA member. Know hope.

    http://www.slate.com/blogs/the_slatest/2012/12/17/joe_manchin_nra_w_va_senator_calls_for_action_on_gun_laws.html

  8. Chekhovian says:

    And on that note, I’m off. Peace out, buddies.

  9. Irish Londoner says:

    ROS you probably already are………

  10. sunbeamtim says:

    All right , all right , sorry about the gaming thing . Guess it was a little provocative .
    Just trying to express how things are culturally different here , and that is no reason to rubbish it .

  11. Tovarishch says:

    How about the Gun Show for Jack Reacher? – you know it makes sense.
    Laptops – bad
    There is absolutely zero gun control in Russia but they don’t have the mass shootings that they have in the States (mind you, they have a habit of chopping people up and eating them). It isn’t about legislation in the US, it’s about a completely broken society.

  12. Tovarishch says:

    He was out -26 C (!) with just a hat, a shirt and a jacket. A man made of granite, obviously.

    Bloody softy – only need a hat below -30.

  13. brookter says:

    The Da Vinci Code: not worth the death of a twig, never mind a whole tree.
    Quincunx: I agree that this is brilliant — good to see there is at least one other person on the planet who has read it.
    The Booker Prize: not true that the books are all pish. I’ve just finished Wolf Hall and it’s simply superb. Looking forward to reading the sequel now.

  14. Well to be fair, the ratio of pish to decent stuff in the Booker Prize is miles askew. Off the top of my head:

    Midnight’s Children, The Good of Small Things, Life of Pi, The Ghost Road…

    All terrible.

  15. brookter says:

    Yeah, but…

    Possession, Remains of the Day, The Ghost Road, The Blind Assassin… there’s some good stuff there.

    But I couldn’t get into The God of ST, true.

    Was it you who’d just read Quincunx? If it wasn’t, read it. Takes a bit of getting into, but worth it. A pastiche of a Dickens novel without the revolting sentimentality.

  16. The Ghost Road

    See I thought this was the worst of the trilogy.

    Wasn’t me that had read Quincunx.

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