It’s Always The Quiet Ones

Greetings, mortals.

So, last week I was enjoying some WORLD CLASS TEXTUAL BANTER with none other than Dan Cole of England. You may have heard of him. And yes, I hear what you’re shouting at your laptops right now, “James, why would you associate with the likes of him!?”, but rest assured Haskolytes because for one of the morbidly obese Dan is actually an all right human being. No brand to speak of and inside I die a little every time I have to play seven and touch his lard in the scrum but he’s alright despite all that.

The banter was flowing as I texted him to call him “Pan Cole” due to how much he eats. As expected he couldn’t deal with my RAPIER WIT and instead tried to appease me by asking me about my favourite subject – ME. I took pity on the grease-trap and indulged him. He wanted to know what my middle name was and was interested to learn that it is Welbon. After humouring him with a few more questions I ended the conversation by telling him I was bored now and had a more important use for my thumbs (giving myself mirror-thumbs-ups if you must know).

Yesterday I got a call from Dan saying he’d come across something called ‘The Welbon Conference’ and had signed me up as the guest speaker. “Pan”, I says to him, “Pan, what in the name of Me is that and why would I want to speak at it?!”. He informed me that it’s an annual get together of people with the name Welbon from across the globe and as the most famous Welbon they’d be honoured to have me speak about what the name means to me and regale them with tales about when my middle name has benefited me and the like. Pan lacks my KILLER SALES SKILLS and he’d sold the gig pretty badly to me up to that point until he spluttered the magic words through a mouthful of chips (probably), “James, think of it as a branding opportunity – the chance to announce yourself as the world’s Alpha Welbon”. I hung up the phone and quietly whispered, “Oh. Hell. Yes.”.

So I show up this morning at where this gig is on. Pan had arranged everything with the organisers so all I had to do was show up and take the stage. As befits my status I rocked up late and missed whatever dross they had on before me. Fortune had rested her heavy bosom on my face again as I had showed up just as it was my turn to speak. I took to the stage, sporting a biz-cas look – t-shirt and tie – and a USB key that I whirled into the laptop running the overhead projector.

The crowd looked to be a few hundred strong but I couldn’t spot a looker among them so I only flashed them a Grade III smile as I launched into my opening, utterly ignoring the notes left on the podium for my convenience. “Mortals – hello! You obviously know me and you’ll be happy to know that I am one of you. But better, obviously. I was asked here today to speak about my experiences of being one of us and how it has impacted on my life. The first thing I say to you is to do what I have done and embrace it! Grab it by the gonads the way that guy in New Zealand grabbed me by the gonads! Embrace it, harness it!”, then I slammed my fist into the podium and roared, “USE IT!” and you should have seen the fuckers jump. Straight up, every last one of them, that’s how much I held them spellbound. From somewhere in the crowd someone called out, “Animal!”, and I couldn’t help but grin. These people got me, they really got me – I am an animal. I AM A FUCKING BEAST!

I carried on with my speech. “Never think there aren’t others like us. There are. They’re everywhere. One time at an England training camp Johnno had us do the whole boot-camp thing at Sandhurst. There I met a Rupert who was one of us, he was called Nigel or St. John or something, I don’t care, and he was telling me that we have a long history as warriors. I mean, obviously, just look at me for fuck sake. But he meant as soldiers, like himself.”


This is how a gentleman would go to war.

At this stage I hit play on the laptop with the USB and the sound of artillery blasted through the speakers. The place went mad, they jumped sky-high again, mouths agape. They loved that shit. When I stopped the sound effects one old Scottish dear down the back shouted up, “You’re a monster!”. Even through her cataracts she could see that I was a monster, A SPECIMEN, a thing forged of the Gods, and just for her I made my pecs dance through my business t-shirt. So impressed was the old dear that she burst into tears and sat back down. Now why the fuck can’t the opposition ever respond correctly like that, I ask you?! I made a mental note to ask her afterwards if she had a grand daughter.

I normally don’t dip my wick that far north, you understand, but there wasn’t many fillies here and any sort in a storm, or something.

As usual my dancing pecs took over and I felt the pump come on. I decided I might as well give the old bird a show and moved aside from the podium and started doing push-ups. After a few dozen I got so fired up I jumped up and hurled the table the other speakers were sitting at off the stage and into the audience as I screamed, “WELBONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!”. After plenty of deep breaths I shackled my INNER BEAST and returned to the podium for my well-deserved standing ovation for having DOMINATED the shit out of the speech. As I gazed out at the crowd expectantly the only sound was that of the rozzers coming in the back of the auditorium. Puzzled by this turn of events my eye caught the notes left on the podium that I had ignored earlier. It read:

 The Wellbeing Conference – Lifestyle And Meditation Tips On How To Live A Normal Life With Extreme Chronic Nervous Disposition

Cole, you colossal, fat, bastard …

 As told to CrashSharkKoctopuss

About sagmog

Just the facts, man.
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632 Responses to It’s Always The Quiet Ones

  1. rugbywreckage says:

    Rob Burrow, Kevin Sinfield, Jamie Peacock.

    Burrow is too small. Sinfield I’d love to see have a go at union but Peacock is passed it now I’d have thought?

    The problem for players like Sinfield and Peacock is that league forwards are no where near big enough to play up front in union (7 maybe?) which means, like Farrell snr., you’re really looking at moving them out into the centres which is a damned difficult position to learn from scratch if you’re not used to being in the backs. Not to mention that having moved out they wouldn’t be quick enough really.

  2. killerline says:

    Let’s put it this way…….

    …if you England fans are misty eyed about having Robinson at full-back.

    Tomkins is as good. Possibly better.

  3. Seeing as the RFU is minted, I think they should just throw money at the lad until he moves to Sarries.

    He’ll look great in a Fez.

  4. rugbywreckage says:

    I don’t think the RFU will have to do much.

    Once Tomkins the elder starts telling him what it’s like playing all over Europe in the HEC and the fabulous atmosphere and how it feels to run out in front of a packed Twickers etc., I think young Sam will be chomping at the bit to sign.

  5. laraxwell says:

    Lara would you honestly take him before POC, Ryan, Parling, Launchbury, Gray, Evans, RJ,
    you had me at POC

  6. rugbywreckage says:

    Weren’t the league authorities so worried about Tomkins the younger doing a bunk that they greased the way for Tomkins the elder to change codes and inserted a clause in doing so that the RFU/Sarries, whoever, had to agree not to come calling for Sam until his current three year contract runs out?

    Obviously the league authorities are not anywhere near convinced that Sam won’t switch codes.

  7. Wreck, that’s exactly what happened.

    He’s coming.

  8. sagmog says:

    He’s coming.

    But will he revolutionise back play?

  9. @Lara

    Yup, that’s why I put him in.

  10. Possibly. He may even reinvent it.

  11. sagmog says:

    Just out of interest…
    According to yon Wikipedia article, Ella’s now a marketing and PR specialist.
    Or as we laymen call it “cunt”.

  12. Or as we laymen call it “cunt”.


    Not again.

  13. sagmog says:

    Ah, but you didn’t get into your current employment as a first choice did you?
    This let’s you completely off the hook.
    Ella however….
    Mind you from a PR point of view, he’s done a tremendous job with his own legacy as a player.

  14. RedWyrm says:

    I’m sensing a certain antipathy towards Ella. I don’t know how, I’m just sensitive to these things. Almost empathic.

    By the way, Lara, many thanks for supporting the performances of some of the Welsh players. You’re a scholar and a gentleman.

    Also, HairBear and Larry, I completely agree: Caucau is / was a magician. One of my favourite attackers of all time (Christian Cullen was also a pretty tidy player, fair play to him).

    Incidentally, I’m still working on the same project that kept me here until late last night. I’m slowly starting to lose my marbles (it doesn’t help that the office closes tomorrow, so staying focused is tremendously difficult).

    Oh well, mustn’t grumble. Back to the trenches and all that.

  15. A fair point Sag.

    Ended up here by accident.

  16. avsfan says:

    Top class, lively banter again today. Nice to know that with all the shit going on in the world right now – issues like Ella’s place in the pantheon, the amount of times Mike Phillips spend at the bottom of rucks, AWJ – the real deal? – are all at the top of the list worthy of discussion.

    The only possible reason I can see for including Roberts in the Lions team is to ensure Dingo keeps picking his love-child, McCabe.

  17. avsfan says:

    Fuck sake. I just looked at the temperature – -17 outside this morning.

  18. Thinking about it, I reckon that I’m going to publish the Parra words. We’ve not had anything new today.

  19. HairBearHero says:

    I’m STILL entranced by that gif, RedWyrm. Unbelievable rack on her.

  20. Moriarty says:

    Why do Sag’s comments get a swanky blue box and a bold line above them? Is is some sort of indication of erudition* of comments?

    *Not sure if that works but you get my drift.

  21. RedWyrm says:

    I’m here to serve, HairBear. That picture severely impacted upon my productivity yesterday — a female friend sent it to me to cheer me up at work, bless her.

    (The woman in the .gif is Margaret Nolan, by the way.)

  22. Because he’s the “author” of the post.

  23. avsfan says:

    @Moriarty: He’s on a power trip. Animal Farm, and all that.

  24. avsfan says:

    I like my reason better.

  25. HairBearHero says:

    Yeah Wyrm, I know. The clip’s from Carry On Girls isn’t it?

    Female friends like that are wonderful.

  26. sagmog says:

    Because he’s the “author” of the post.

    And if you get on and publish the Parra piece, I’ll be let out of my cyan box.

  27. OnlyoneT says:

    Sam has already signed with Saracens according to Neil Fisser of the rugby paper.

    The whole Saracens vs Wigan cross code game and link up with sharing youth and coaching academies was all part of the deal that meant that Sam would be heading down the M1 to join his big brother and best mates – Chris Ashton & Owen Farrell. Andy Farrell joining the England set up might have put the kibosh on things… but most expect him to turn up in a Fez sooner rather than later.

    A few have commented before that Tomkins Jr might have a bit more to learn about the game than his big brother as his natural instinct is to run away from his support. We’ll see, but he’ll be a winger for the first few years i’m sure as we’re all about sneaky play making fullbacks.

  28. Done. It’s live. Migration time!

  29. Woooooooooooo!

    Hells yeah.

    A whole feeder sport. England will be dominating in no time.

  30. elsnoopio says:


    I’m sensing a certain antipathy towards Ella. I don’t know how, I’m just sensitive to these things. Almost empathic.

    I thought it was just an argument over journalistic English vs actual English.
    Journalists like to describe athletes as being revolutionary when what they really mean is that the athlete is really, really good. Virtually none of the players, in any sport, who get described as revolutionary actually are, they’re just much better at the same things than their contempories.
    Revolutionary would be a play making prop or such like (few sports have much room for revolution, football more than most due to the less structured nature of the game while rugby has less due to the need of the play making prop to scrummage)

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