Christmas with THE HASK

xmas

Ho fucking ho ho

Greetings and salutations.

It’s that time of year when everyone loosens up, relaxes and gets set to apply some DOMINATION to a massive feast. While you non-professional athletes may stuff your faces full of turkey and booze yourselves into a frenzy, the 25th of December for THE HASK is just a normal day. I shall, of course, go for a strenuous workout, before I put on my favourite banana hammock (the one with a tiger on the front, a fearsome beast covering MY FEARSOME BEAST) and silk robe to settle down to DOMINATE a protein-rich meal.

I shall not be partaking of alcohol, because my body is a temple and after that unfortunate incident where I ruined Christmas when I mistook my youngest nephew for a midget and launched him into grandmother’s chandelier I take things much easier now. Anyway, I’ve got to lay down some DOMINATION on boxing day, and you can’t be doing that when you’re heaving your guts out on the side of the pitch.

So, I was talking to Ginsters the other day, and he asked me what Santa was bringing me for Christmas. I’d completely forgotten this year, as he already gave me my fondest wish by allowing me to play in an England side that totally BEASTED the All Blacks (fucking WOOF!). Young Farrell pointed out that there’s no such person as Santa, but I wasn’t having any of that. Ginsters was completely crestfallen as he was banking on St. Nick bringing him a new whippet, or at least that’s what I think he said. I stopped him crying by pointing out that Santa is clearly real and DOMINATES the festive period with no little aplomb.

Fat bastard needs to get down thy gym

Fat bastard needs to get down the gym

So, I retired to my chamber, broke out my favourite crayons and composed my Christmas letter:

Dear Santa,

I know you bring presents to boys that have only been nice, and I haven’t been at all naughty this year. In fact, I’ve traveled the world preaching the WAY OF THE GUN SHOW to ignorant sheep-shagging barbarians, angry little people and so forth.

As such, I know that you will deliver me what I want or I swear to God that I’m coming to fucking Lapland to nut your reindeer, chuck all your Elven minions into the Arctic Ocean and DOMINATE Mrs. Claws to such an extent that it would be deemed pornographic and illegal in most countries (even Holland).

Heh, only joking, just sharing some patented/ copyrighted/ trademarked WORLD CLASS BANTER with you. Thought you would appreciate it.

Anyway, moving swiftly on, this is what I would like for Christmas:

1) For my Iphone Ap to DOMINATE mobile devices to the same degree that my website DOMINATES the internet.

2) A new shotgun. While my own GUNS are mightily impressive (sculpted even), they are only fit for close quarters combat

3) For that jumped up little PE teacher to come to his senses and select me before Tom “who” Wood for England

4) For Warren Gatland to come to his senses and make sure that I’m on the plane to South Africa. That bunch of fucking savages don’t respect anything other than the results of a physical in-your-face DOMINATION, and the other back row options aren’t up to the job.

5) A new gym. I have simply outgrown my current one.

6) A new banana hammock. This one is starting to pong a bit.

7) Porn

8) For someone to come through with the offer for me, THE HASK, to star in my own workout video. If octogenarian slapper Jane Fonda can make a mint off these things then it’ll be a doddle for THE BIG BRAND to.

9) Some new crayons.

10) A puncture repair kit. My girlfriend has, er, sprung a leak as it were after an overly vigorous piece of bedroom DOMINATION. They don’t make blow up dolls like they used to.

11) Someone to explain to me how to use a puncture repair kit.

12) A life size T-Rex to prove that I am the mightiest beast to walk the earth and would even have DOMINATED the big prehistoric bastard.

I’m only asking for 12 things, Santa, as I don’t want to appear greedy, but you know that what THE HASK wants THE HASK fucking gets or there will be consequences. As outlined above.

I do appreciate that there is some logistical difficulty with delivering my presents due to the absence of a chimney in HASKLAND (I decided to name my mansion after that place in Memphis where some fat yank died on the crapper), so I will leave the third window on the right on the second floor open for you. Please ignore the leather, er, apparatus. It’s just an aide to my workout.

Yours Sincerely,

James.

I put it in the post and went down for a bit of a pre-Chrimbo workout (I know people don’t use “Chrimbo” any more, but I’m DOMINATING the English fucking language, and am thus going to, as the kids say, “bring it back”). I bumped into Young Joe Lunchboxy (a fine lad, comes to me for guidance and advice all the time. I’ve made him what he is today, you know) in there and was smugly telling him about my present missive.

He was stunned “James, you thick cunt, the Lions are in Australia next year”….

Fuck.

What have I done….

Merry Christmas one and all.

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506 Responses to Christmas with THE HASK

  1. thaumaturgical says:

    The browns have got the win!

  2. whiteonesugar says:

    Claw,

    Best wishes to you both… I am looking forward to the virtual invite to the big day. Have a sneaky can of shit Polish beer on me (it’s all I can afford having bankrupted myself bankrolling Daddy Xmas for another year).

  3. thaumaturge says:

    Adam Jones would make a pretty good scrum-half if he weren’t such a fattie. Good thing he’s an excellent prop too.

  4. thaumaturge says:

    ^^ Thread-killer?

    Anyway, Scarlets 2 yellows and 2 reds in one half. Not sure I’ve seen that before.

  5. avsfan says:

    Jaybus – 2 reds! Both deserved?

  6. avsfan says:

    Been impressed with the Os lately. Gone seems to be the flakiness. Fotuali’i is fast approaching elite status, smart, fast and physical, and comfortable in his leadership role. I like the look of Eli Walker, and the pack have been formidable. Adam Jones seems integral to this.

    Amazing what happens when Scott Johnson isn’t your coach.

  7. I am back in work today. Sickening. managed to watch zero rugby last night also, so at least i have something to catch up on today at the office.

  8. MisterIks says:

    I hope this falls into the better-late-than-never category. Merry Christmas to you fine people.

  9. MisterIks says:

    @ros – poor dab! Hope it goes ok. I’m off for a week but have to attend to job hunting (you can see how focused I am). Some twat is using a power drill somewhere in the building, constantly.

    Hope claw’s grand gesture went ok – would hate to see him drop out of the bottom paddock in despair.

  10. Misterilks, what sort of thing are you looking into jobwise? Always fascinated to see what other people do as my job is quite boring.

  11. sagmog says:

    ♫Happy birthday to me….♫

  12. Happy birthday sag, may your productivity and output be increased by the reciving of John Williams entire back catologue, leaving you to talk much more bollocks through 2013 BTL.

  13. MisterIks says:

    Happy birthday sag.

    ros – I used to work as a management trainer for the UK Research Councils, but after 13 years on the road I pretty much burned out. So these days I look to manage leadership development or change management programmes (how I suffered through our blog change) but not do the delivery myself.

    My position is complicated as after said 13 years I quit altogether and moved to Germany for the love of a good woman. I pretty much rebuilt my career but now I’m trapped in a job I hate working for managers I’ve no respect for, and want out. But at 56 in a foreign land it ain’t easy!

    Well you did ask. And what about you?

  14. I imagine it is not easy. I work for a multi-national real estate company, as a chartered surveyor. I have been working in commercial development up until recently but now am working in retail (shopping centre / high street) leasing and letting. In this climate it is challenging to say the least! Enjoy 70% of my job, but it is getting ever more desk based and the work has been drying up slowly and surely since 2008 at the same time as an increase in the hours we work and relatively stagnant salaries. Hence I make up the difference in what I do and what I should earn by posting BTL. First world, middle class rebellion at its most feeble.

  15. thaumaturge says:

    Happy birthday sag, and good luck MisterIks!

  16. MichaelVaughanMyLord says:

    Morning Richie, morning everyone.

    Felicitations to the Sag.

    Trust we all had enjoyable Yuletides.

    It’s like a morgue in here today, but I’m damned if I’m going to take precious holiday for what is essentially an internet surfing day for 7 hours.

  17. My thoughts exactly MVML. 2 days of an unviewed computer screen, late starts, long lunches and early finishes.

  18. MisterIks says:

    I think how you describe the stagnation of working processes fits well to me ros.

    Cheers thaumaturge!

  19. Some good games in the AP this weekend. Tigers v Glaws at Welford Rd and Exeter v Bath at Sandy Park on Saturday. Sunday we get to watch Saints get assimilated when they travel to play the Borg at Vicarage Rd.

    RoS Predictometer says 3 home wins.

  20. thaumaturge says:

    … And of course Munster v Ulster!

  21. crovier says:

    belated merry xmas all
    happy birthday sag
    hope all went well dtc – congrats

  22. MichaelVaughanMyLord says:

    Shaun’s AP XV of the year. Clearly wishes he is still at Wasps. Poor Shaun:

    Marler, Youngs, Cole
    Launchbury, Manoa
    Savage, Louw, Morgan
    Youngs / Care, Evans
    Varndell, Barritt, Tuilagi, Wade
    Brown

    Take issue with both Youngs, the entire backrow, DCB (Allen and JTH have been much better in the AP). My team (unashamedly Quins-heavy but then they are Champions and top of the league):

    Marler, Brits, Cole
    S’SB’B, Robson
    Mafi, Robshaw, Easter
    Care, Evans
    JSD, Allen, Joseph, Wade
    Brown

  23. his “best no 6 in the AP” is a second row who he hasnt seen much of, but would quite like to see in the back row. words fail me.

  24. MichaelVaughanMyLord says:

    It is basically a ‘team that won against the All Blacks’ XV’, with some Wasps players thrown in.

    I don’t really get how he hasn’t seen much of certain players, what with being a coach at an (admittedly terrible) AP side. Isn’t his job to watch video after video of opposition players to look for weaknesses?

  25. avsfan says:

    His ability to spot talent perhaps explains LI this season.

    Happy Birthday sag. A virtual spliff is on the counter.

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