Iain Balshaw, of all people, told me to take a look at this blog, as I would discover what a true rugby player should look like. No wonder Iain drools about such physique, since he’s himself built like a toothpick on a hunger strike.
I am told this character is sometimes called Le Hasq. Only if hasq were French for preening arsehole. I find it insulting to be compared to this calendar boy. In my part of the world, this type of body is more often found on trucks’ mud flaps than on rugby pitches. As for him playing 8 – the less said the better. As Dimitri Y. always says, to play 8 requires a brain. The proof is in the pudding.
Anyway, what would Iain know about rugby? Dimitri calls him the Windscreen Wiper, for the way he “counter attacks”. He has all the penetration of a wet mosquito skating on a table-wax cloth. Dimitri also calls him the Abscissa after he nicknamed N’gwenya the Ordinate. Not everybody understands what he means but it’s Dimitri, so we all laugh.
Iain told me the Anglo-Saxons compared me with Hannibal Lecter after I played with a dog muzzle. Moi, silencing lambs? Never been accused of that. I come from the Pyrenees, where men are men and the sheep know it. Actually when I brought back home my first strayed sheep, my father contemplated her long lashes with misty eyes and quietly whispered: if only she could do the dishes. He’s always been a guidance to me and he never let anyone abuse me, on or off the pitch. Sometimes I wish Zidane had a father like mine. I heave a Gallic sigh. Dommage.
PSA is soon to announce his squad. But Dimitri told me that although Bonnaire has hung up his internationals boots and this Chabal fraud is back to Pro D2 where he belongs, I won’t be in it. Dimitri always knows. Putain! I thought that after Bernie Le Dingue and Mad Marc, the French selectors could not get worse but now I have the proof. Moi, not in the squad? I don’t see how they can beat the Irish in Dublin and the English in Twickenham without me. This Picamoles is a tractor, okay, but he’s sooooo slow!
The rest of the squad would waltz into any other 6 Nations team, so I’m not too worried. Except for the absence of Servat. The Paris shampoo boy could not throw a pizza into an open mine pit.
PSA’s probable team: Domingo, Szarzewski, Mas, Pape, Maestri, Dusautoir, Picamoles, Ouedraogo, Machenaud, Michalak, Fritz, Mermoz, Fofana, Clerc, Dulin.
Bench: Debaty, Keyser, Ducalcon, Chouly, Suta, Trinh-Duc, Parra, Huget
My team: Domingo, Szarzewski, Keyser, Mas, Pape, Maestri, Dusautoir, Picamoles, Harinordoquy, Ouedraogo, Machenaud, Yachvili, Michalak, Fritz, Mermoz, Fofana, Clerc, Dulin.
Bench: Debaty, Tolofua, Ducalcon, Chouly, Suta, Trinh-Duc, Parra, Huget
Now excuse me as I have to telephone L’Académie Française to have Le Hasq officially inserted into the language meaning preening arsehole.
– as related to and translated by flair99