Gatland’s Grumblings

“Warren Gatland, shortly after lobbing another turd, Parra-style”

Afternoon all! Taken a bit of time off from my hugely demanding Lions role – I’ve had to watch loads of rugby matches before deciding that yes, I’ll probably pick the big lads – to give you all a quick overview of Wales’ 6 Nations prospects this year.

Bluntly, they’re shit.

I only took this bloody Lions job to get away from Rob Fucking Howley (He Who Cannot Be Fired), and it then occurred to me that if I wanted to come back to a team ranked higher than Scotland, I couldn’t leave him in charge. As such, I’ve had to bring the useless bugger along for the trip to Australia! Still, the damage is done, and he’s going to be in charge for the 6 Nations. I asked Shaun how he felt about it, and all I got was swearwords. Business as usual then.

Added to the Rob Howley Colossal Coaching Catastrophe, we’re about 2 injuries away from putting an ad for a second row in the classifieds of the Western Mail; Sam’s still playing like a turd; all me players are sodding off to France; Gethin’s gotten fat (not enough cryo-protein, too many cassoulets) and I’ve actually had to resort to picking a few small backs. Sorry, Rob’s made the completely autonomous decision to pick a few small backs. That’s what I meant. Yeah.

Of course, when I say our prospects are shit, I mean that we’ll still paste the lesser teams like Ireland, Scotland and Italy. France might be a struggle, as it appears their pack has eaten every scrap of protein in Europe. Not sure what all the fuss is about this Louis Picamoles and his power. He’s not even as big as George!

Is it even in doubt?

Anyway, Warren’s predicted results:

Wales – Ireland: This is in doubt? They’re a team full of shit pensioners and they haven’t even got O’Connell, the only Irishman I was planning on picking for the Lions. O’Driscoll’s a great after-dinner speaker, hence his “non-playing captaincy”. Emphasis on “non-playing” though. The rest of em are good club players, but lacking in the international arena. Wales by a pasting.

France – Wales: Big game. Our utter lack of a second row and the fact that our line is mostly held together with glue and the tears of a nation (when we’re playing away, we just get Alex to watch The Notebook) means that this will be a struggle. Wales by slightly less of a pasting.

Italy – Wales: You gotta be kidding me. Martin’s a lovely bloke, but not a clue what he’s on about. Wales by a massive pasting.

Scotland – Wales: They’re making noises about “hope” and “scoring tries”, and they’ve even started picking 6’4 wingers, so realistically they might have a chance of getting some points on the board. Wales by a pasting.

Wales – England: England are on a high at the moment thanks to their win against NZ (top work lads, make Hansen look bad and I’m guaranteed to return to the fold) and, more importantly, they’ve got a couple of massive bastards who can’t pass in the centres. Worrying. For some reason though, they refuse to pick Banahan on the wing. Can’t understand why – he’s about the right size for a winger. Get him on the cryo-protein and we’ll have a chat about his Lions prospects. Anyway, back to the topic at hand: Wales by a pasting. Grand Slam done, complete justification for picking the Wales team for the Lions.

Grow some fucking stones, man!

All this is assuming that Rob Howley sits down, shuts up, and does as Warren tells him, of course. If he starts developing a will of his own, it’ll be more like:

Wales – Ireland: tight game, but expect Ireland to get Deccie’d. Wales by a score.

France – Wales: if somebody hides the crazy pills, France by 10-15

Italy – Wales: expect a brave performance by Italy, but Wales to just outpower them in the backs. Wales by 10.

Scotland – Wales: going to be a tight one. Wales by less than a score.

Wales – England: If England are clicking, expect them to have too much. England by 10.

Several paragraphs of “Mind Games” were removed from this interview by HairBearHero

About sagmog

Just the facts, man.
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611 Responses to Gatland’s Grumblings

  1. 4 children in 5 years and was getting paid almost double that of the rest of her grad intake having done very little work and was far too highly graded and paid for any role she was remotely capable of performing

    There’s always someone taking the piss.

  2. boanova says:

    Hmm, I meant to delete creaming. Oh well, there’s my thought process for all to see…

  3. Cheers.

    Seeing as we’ll die of old age before grandpa deccie remembers where he left last year’s squad, I’m going to publish it.

  4. sagmog says:

    This blog’s creaking, man.

  5. You’re currently editing it. By the by.

  6. sagmog says:

    I’ve stopped.
    Just forgot to go back after reading, sorry.

  7. Shite. Killed the blog.

  8. dermott says:

    600-plus posts. The software was creaking anyway. 600-plus in two days. Somewhat of a record.

  9. bedfordbluesfan says:

    The best moment was when the Republicans lined up a bunch of people to talk about contraception at some Congressional hearing or other, and, to a man, they were all men.

    and didn’t they evict a women and bar her from giving evidence because she used the word “vagina”?

    I also loved the recent unfair dismissal case where the county court upheld a women being sacked cos her boss fancied her and she was seen as a threat to his marriage. It’s ok, his Pastor told him to sack her.

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