Campo Unplugged


I haven’t been as disgusted since the ARU appointed a Kiwi to coach the Wallabies. My good friend James Haskell emailed me with a link to this cesspit of despicable character assassination asking me to set some records straight.

I’ve always admired James as a fellow traveller, a bloke who is aware of his greatness as both a rugby player and person and unflinchingly unafraid to blow his own bugle regardless of how many raspberries come his way. Modesty, I maintain, and as I have convinced James, is a vastly overrated trait best left to the modestly talented.

James and I personally go back a very long time. As far as a New Zealand hotel room during the 2011 World Cup. At my age, eighteen months is a very long time. Not that I was there, obviously, but James’ explanation of an alleged incident led me to realise I had found a soul mate:

“She was a hotel maid, she was doing what hotel maids do – vacuuming – while I videotaped her in order to show my girlfriend how it’s done and the sooner she gets on with it instead of taking f****** tennis lessons the better”, James was quoted as saying in a press report that I can’t put my hands on at this particular moment.

In other words, far from the lurid scenario painted in the media, James, from my point of view, was merely – and very reasonably – reminding us all of a woman’s role in society.

Now some of you may be aware of my recent public flogging for daring to Tweet that a woman shouldn’t write about rugby. It’s not as if I said women should be kept barefoot, pregnant and chained to the kitchen sink. And I wouldn’t!

I don’t begrudge women footwear. I don’t want their filthy feet soiling my white silk bed sheets. Nor should they be pregnant. With the sole intention of exploiting the ludicrous maternity leave provisions that have insinuated themselves into business, threatening to undermine the entire capitalist system as businesses large and small founder while the lactating lasses sit in coffee shops nattering with their fellow lactating freeloaders sipping lattes while responding to Guardian IT surveys. Nor do I want them chained to a sink. How will they reach the stove to cook my dinner?

You might also have heard that I apologised for any offence my Tweet might have caused. Well, I had my fingers crossed.

How I long for the days when glass ceilings were what you found in garden greenhouses.

How I long for the days when tries were scored thanks to skilfully evading opponents:

Instead of trampling over the top of them. I pointed this out to the Honey Badger – the latest pathetic excuse for a Wallaby back – the other day. “Fuck off, yer big girls blouse”, he said.

Yes, it all comes back to women.

Believe me. If God had sidled up to me and asked me for a rib to create Woman, I’d’ve quoted the Honey Badger.

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682 Responses to Campo Unplugged

  1. deebee7 says:

    Stick it up!

  2. sagmog says:

    How the hell did you manage to read it?
    I whipped it out of there quick smart.
    And yes, Larry’s very talented blah blah blah.
    *blows slightly illiterate raspberry*

  3. dermott says:

    Claw was going from Larry’s description I think.

  4. daffodane says:

    My little entry on films better than books:

    The greatest story ever told, better than the New testament.
    The Ten Commandments v Exodus (Old Testament)
    Anything with St Charlton Heston v The Bible.
    Interested to see Russell Crowe’s Noah v Genesis.

    My wife’s going to kill me for posting that she’s a devout Christian, therefore very tolerant of me. So perhaps I’ll be forgiven?

  5. dermott says:

    You’re going to find out, daff.

  6. titimanionga says:


    Yeah, I just guessed from what Larry said. I wouldn’t have a clue how to go snooping. Nor do I want to. Would spoil all the fun

  7. laraxwell says:

    It may be awful.
    I doubt it

  8. dermott says:

    India by 7 wickets in 28 overs. Why do England persist with Kieswetter?

  9. laraxwell says:

    I am looking forward to this
    I hope you made approprate deference to Paul O’ Connell
    If not you’ll have to rewrite it

  10. laraxwell says:

    1/ how many fantasy leagues is everyone doing?..which is best?
    2/ out of interest of self worth -what is my comment count?

  11. titimanionga says:

    Just saw the first ad there for the 6 Nations on the Beeb. Made me excited. Essentially, a group of people from different nations looking all moody, then being nice to each other and getting pissed together, watching the rugby.

    Sound familiar?

  12. dermott says:

    @ lara

    There are 11 of us in the Irish Times version, the same 11 plus another 10 more in the ESPN game. The ESPN version has been more attractive because it places restrictions on positional selections – you have to choose three specialist front rowers, two specialist locks, three specialist backrowers, etc, from the names provided. In the Irish Times version you can choose 8 flankers as forwards if you like.

    I don’t think individual comment counts exist as a stat. Only the top 10 or so. But let me check.

  13. laraxwell says:

    they got that the wrong way aroung Shirley
    everyone starts all awkward and nice
    then get gradually pissed
    watching game
    then the moddiness sets in
    screaming at screen
    at each other
    kitty is empty!!!
    curry flying everywhere at late feeding time

  14. LarryMilne says:

    dermott, thanks for the validation – I’m not fishing for praise, but writing something like that makes it hard to know if you’ve gone past the event horizon.

  15. sagmog says:

    writing something like that makes it hard to know if you’ve gone past the event horizon.

    Look behind you.

    I’m going to prep up a HEC blog for the weekend.
    Sorry Deebee, Larry’s thing is too good to fritter away on the weekend.

  16. dermott says:

    Larry, in my experience you need to go too far to have gone far enough. With the themes, metaphors, etc, that you’ve taken on, it was always going to be rich.

  17. dermott says:

    @ lara

    No, there’s no way of knowing how many individual comments posters have made in all. The stats only show the top handful, even in the annual report for the year.

    Here’s the most recent list based on the last 1000 posts:

    Cat 131
    sagmog 95
    dermott 75
    titimanionga 70
    turduckenshoot 64
    killerline 58
    laraxwell 41

  18. sagmog says:

    Ours don’t count though Dermott.
    Actually, why do they count?
    Funnily enough, the top three are admin.
    Seriously, why do our posts count?
    Seems wrong.

  19. turduckenshoot says:

    Eek and I only turned up a day ago, might have to give my sponcor a call.

    Much interest in the first round of games today, Ulster just need a bonus point win to be sure of a home Quarter.

  20. sagmog says:

    I’m just going to fire this up now, I’ll edit/update it in the fly.
    (this has nothing to do with me trying to get tomorrows lunch prepped, honest)

    New blog

  21. dermott says:

    @ sag

    I think our posts count because they’re identified (as us). It’s different to our hits not counting. Hits aren’t identifiable.

  22. Macquiff says:

    Oops, posted on wrong blog.

    Hola. Not a father yet Larry (March 13th…) but shitloads to prepare, work is prison-holing me and even managed to sneak in a cheeky flat move last month thus explaining my relative silence.

    Bollocksybumwarts wrapped up in a papier-mâché wankwomble – Edinbra were pathetic again! Even Zebre have shown more reasons to demand continued inclusion. Shitcan the front five (Nel and Gilchrist aside) and Richie Rees and find a FH!!!

    Now, on to Glasgae. Wonderful effort laddies but one can only wonder what may have been…Had to suffer a horrendous injury list all season (front and back rows – 3 locks playing by the end – were down to the bare bones) and may well have challenged for a European QF place but hey ho definitely on the right track. Bravo. Fantastic last try showing Scots can do magical stuff after all whilst Matawalu is simply wonderful – cheers Foden, another very iffy performance from you and can’t see you making the Lions. Good that Johnson is picking the bulk of the squad from the boys oot West.

    As for the rest, can’t see past Clermont. Wow.

    So, looking ahead to the 6N (bricking it somewhat), here’s my team for the Twickers tittyslap:

    15. Hogg (marvellous against Saints)
    14. Maitland
    13. SLamont (only due to injuries and size to combat Manu)
    12. Scott
    11. Visser (please wake up)
    10. Jackson (no-one else but is he out injured again?)
    9. Laidlaw
    8. Beattie (he’s back!)
    7. Brown (no fit open-sides)
    6. Harley (gonna need our best tacklers)
    5. Hamilton (need his bulk even if he is slow and soft)
    4. Gray (Scotland form not Sale form please)
    3. Murray (again, no-one else)
    2. MacArthur (hope injury not too bad since he was excellent at the weekend)
    1. Grant

    By the end of the 6N though, want to see the likes of Dunbar, Weir, Heathcote, Fusaro and Gilchrist blooded…


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