Declan Also Rises: An urgent official news dispatch from the land of miracles and shitty luck

DeccieRises001

IRFU Comms team, Dublin – Morning comes to Ireland, both parts. The dawn awakes to social flux: recession, abortion legislation, the wane of the Catholic Church, fresh northern Union arguments about the flegs of their fethers, and another generation of emigrants taking our World Class™ rugby seed to lesser nations. Amid the uncertainty of changing times comes good news without defilement:

The national ink shortage is ending.

Fr. Declan Kidney, current holder of the concentric roles of Dominus Atramentum, Blighter of Blots and Patriarch of the Unio Hibernicus Ovum Adflictionem Animi, this week delivered the welcome message in his usual indirect style, by announcing the squad for the 2013 Six Nations.

As the holy sheet was read aloud, the crowds under the sacred O’Connell Street balcony were silenced when new amendments were revealed on the ancient text. Names like “Lewis Stevenson”, “Paul Marshall” and “new captain Jamie Heaslip” soared across the island, the only sounds heard that wondrous moment; even the birds sat silent this day.

Fr. Declan, known and respected for his ability to speak obliquely to any conceivable conversation, theme or train of thought, has not himself commented on the new source of ink. However, learned scribes based in the western boglands have recently spoken of how a giant squid was clawed out of Galway Bay by a charitable bearded man speaking the mother tongue.

This monstrous beast of the Atlantic, scholars have rushed to speculate, was captured by the IRFU as a special project and has provided the ink that painted the fresh names onto the selectorial papyrus.

The sea monster could conceivably harbour enough black stuff to fire another run of biros out of the National Ballpoint Factory in Tuam, itself abandoned to ghosts and the weather at the very start of the Ink Famine sometime in mid-2009.

National wrangling and self-flagellation over Famine portents missed during the tenure of Fr. Declan’s predecessor, Cardinal O’Sullivan, can now cease, the Taoiseach and Stormont First Minister said today in a joint statement; it will not be long until the island of Ireland can write again.

Addressing the masses following the announcement, Fr. Declan said: “Sure they’re all great lads and there are tough decisions to make. It’s a privilege just to be part of all this, fantastic to be involved, may the best men win and hopefully that’ll be us.”

Sudoku and other puzzling inanities only enjoyed by the braindead; signing cheques to buy shit no-one really wants or needs; adding your name to the wedding register even though you can barely stop yourself from confessing it’s her hot sister you really love – modern liberty has returned to Ireland.

That revelation led to a spontaneous island-wide party as men, women and children drunkenly celebrated an increase in ways to fuck up their own existences good and proper – the lone tradition unanimously accepted by authorities and community leaders as common heritage among all the people of Ireland, north and south. One delirious citizen cheered: “It’s surprisingly difficult to cause yourself long-lasting or permanent trouble and pain without putting something in writing.”

A spokesman for the Rugby Fans for Sanity (RFS), using the terror group’s nom de guerre C. Balls, reiterated the faction’s ideological stance that the Ink Famine was a false flag diversion, and criticised the revelry that has followed Fr. Declan’s announcement:

“Fucking ink famine? What in the name of good shit is an ink famine? He’s just fucked up his job, like the last guy. It’s nothing personal – despite the awful PR, Deccie seems like a gent – but he’s got to go. Some of the new names are pleasing and keeping Heaslip as the captain is a progressive step – plus, although I’m sure he will be disappointed, we back O’Driscoll to fully take this in his stride. However, back to the main point, Decl…”

DeccieRises002

Threats from rebel RFS splinter groups have been quietly dismissed by Fr. Declan

Threats from rebel RFS splinter groups have been quietly dismissed by Fr. Declan

At that point the line went bad. A spokesperson for the Dominus declined to comment, other than to reiterate their view that, “Sure terrorism is probably not a good thing most of the time. I don’t know, I’m sure they’re all great lads. But the Famine is over, that’s the main thing.”

However, this is Ireland, where no good news comes without a ‘but…’

The national paper shortage continues.

As the ink parties broke out, eagle-eyed academics spotted that this Six Nations squad is supersized, with Fr. Declan unable to cast aside the dog-eared 2009 Six Nations squad list. Due to the unavailability of any other suitable writing surface, the consensus agreed, the new names were carefully added to the pre-existing roster.

Declan Kidney’s squad announcement for the victorious 1998 Under 19 World Cup, a direct pre-cursor to the 2009 squad refinement

Declan Kidney’s squad announcement for the victorious 1998 Under 19 World Cup, a direct precursor to the 2009 squad refinement

Some, however, were not impressed, with the RFS saying: “Paper shortage? Get fucked. And 39 fucking players? Four scrum halves? Six props? You haven’t made any of the hard decisions, Dec…”

The IRFU board have declined to comment on rumours that Fr. Declan’s original squad for this year – rejected by the IRFU board over costs – was the phone books of the Free State and Norn Iron stitched together along the spines.

SQUAD:

Backs:

Back three: L Fitzgerald (Leinster), C Gilroy (Ulster), R Henshaw (Connacht), R Kearney (Leinster), A Trimble (Ulster), S Zebo (Munster); Centres: D Cave (Ulster), G D’Arcy (Leinster), K Earls (Munster), F McFadden (Leinster), D McSharry (Connacht), B O’Driscoll (Leinster); Fly-halves: P Jackson (Ulster), I Madigan (Leinster), R O’Gara (Munster), J Sexton (Leinster), Scrum-halves: I Boss (Leinster), P Marshall (Ulster), C Murray (Munster), E Reddan (Leinster),

Forwards:

Props: M Bent (Leinster), T Court (Ulster), D Fitzpatrick (Ulster), C Healy (Leinster), D Kilcoyne (Munster), M Ross (Leinster); Hookers: R Best (Ulster), S Cronin (Leinster), R Strauss (Leinster); Locks: M McCarthy (Connacht), D O’Callaghan (Munster), D Ryan (Munster), L Stevenson (Ulster), D Toner (Leinster); Back-rows: J Heaslip (captain, Leinster), I Henderson (Ulster), C Henry (Ulster), S O’Brien (Leinster), P O’Mahony (Munster).

Fr. Declan said: “Sure they’re all great lads and there are tough decisions to make. It’s a privilege just to be part of all this, fantastic to be involved, may the best men win and hopefully that will be us.”

When asked about his own team, rather than the opposition, he added: “Sure they’re all great lads and there are tough decisions to make. It’s a privilege just to be part of all this, fantastic to be involved, may the best men win and hopefully that’ll be us.”

Asked for his predictions of how the tournament will pan out, he went on: “Sure they’re all great lads and there are tough decisions to make. It’s a privilege just to be part of all this, fantastic to be involved, may the best men win and hopefully that’ll be us.”

ENDS

Press release issued to LarryMilne. Pictures stolen off the internets.

Advertisements

About sagmog

Just the facts, man.
This entry was posted in Six Nations 2013 and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

914 Responses to Declan Also Rises: An urgent official news dispatch from the land of miracles and shitty luck

  1. flair99 says:

    Brookter,
    I’m afraid he’s going the road all true great classics go: worshipped by the older, slowly forgotten by the younger generation. He was extremely talented and worked for ages on the shortest poem. Beyond his words, I really enjoy his music that many ignorants consider simplistic. Unsurprisingly, many have turned into jazz classics with the “manouche” guitar players.
    I am an avid reader but mostly of non fiction and novels. Poetry (especially translated) leave me cold. But I am always moved by any song by Brassens. And he has a great sense of humour.
    Someone mentioned a Belgian teacher? Listen (and read) Brel, he’s a great writer as well.

  2. sagmog says:

    @pooch
    Got it.
    Cheers.

  3. avsfan says:

    Bacon wrapped eggs? Good grief. Sag is either going to spontaneously combust, or wet himself in delight.

    Only if they are then battered and deep fried.

    By the way, take that one, Saffers. Anyone knows that test cricket is for girl’s blouses, one day is where the real men come out to play.

  4. deebee7 says:

    wansteadimp says:

    January 22, 2013 at 8:07 pm

    Any South Africans want to address the importance of running as a skill in cricket?

    FFS 5 run outs so far!

    Ahem. I watched the unfolding horror last night after seeing us get to 160-odd for one. I was initally amused, then bemused, then irritated, then, well and then it struck me: the Proteas are the world’s most consumate professionals.

    Let me explain: there is the Champion’s Trophy coming up in England in a couple of months time. It’s a big tournament and one we’ll be amongst the favourites for. Like the ’96 World Cup before Brain Lara blew us away with a magnificent ton; like ’99 before Gibbs dropped the World Cup, apparently on Allan Donald’s toe, impairing his ability to run one fucking single (not bitter at all); like 2003 when Polly went crackers and couldn’t work out Duckworth Lewis; like 2007 when we couldn’t cope with Bangladeshi spin and tried to take on the Aussies mano-a-mano and got bowled out for a pittance; like 2011 where we contrived to go from 108/2 to 172 all out chasing a pitiful 221 against New Zealand.

    We thus have pedigree in choking on the big stage. Now the Champios Trophy is no World Cup, but our guys will leave nothing to chance, no stone unturned in finding ways of completely cocking up an impregnable winning position: five run outs in one match is a masterful strategy to ensure that, no matter how woeful the opposition, no matter how small a total we’re chasing, we. can. lose. it.

  5. deebee7 says:

    Champions Trophy.

  6. deebee7 says:

    @avs

    By the way, take that one, Saffers. Anyone knows that test cricket is for girl’s blouses, one day is where the real men come out to play.

    Kick a man when he’s down, why don’t you? Take a bow Kane WIlliamson – what a knock! Just pulverised our attack. Grant Elliot (went to the same school in Jo’burg as I did. Although he was born the year before I went into high school. Bloody hell.) played pretty well and Nathan McCullum was inspired in the field.

    Chapeau New Zealand on a first ODI series win in South Africa!

  7. bedfordbluesfan says:

    @Thaum and Karl

    Duck poo slimier > chicken poo – Duck poo in the garden bad!

    plus I prefer hens eggs myself and the kids won’t eat duck eggs. 🙂

    Managing to sell our surplus eggs locally which is helping cover food and bedding costs. Don’t think that would work with duck eggs.

  8. bedfordbluesfan says:

    So, why is it when I refresh the page or post a comment that I end up on an older page?

  9. deebee7 says:

    A blog steal bemoaning the bloody Proteas ODI-ous performance. And the 21st of January is supposed to be the worst day of the year?

  10. deebee7 says:

    Thanks BBF – couldn’t even let me have the pleasure of a blog steal. I also get taken back a couple of pages when I refresh with a pop up thing at the bottom asking if I want to display all content. Not sure what that’s about!

  11. bedfordbluesfan says:

    No blog steal, the early shift is picking up.

    Early rugby conversation:

    James Hook or Dan Biggar at 10? Yosoy, Daff?

  12. deebee7 says:

    My first post on the Guardian rugby blog in weeks – the Rees one – was in response to this comment:

    Guardian staff

    campbellpaul

    Anyone who doesn’t make it in their chosen career has my sympathy. Roche might have picked up a decent job, but I’m sure he worked for it and good luck to him.

    I was never going to make it as a sportsman but one of my old friends went very close to becoming a professional footballer. He had trials with various clubs throughout his teenage years and was told he could be the next big thing. It never happened.

    He’s fine now and has a good job and a happy life, but having your dreams shattered as a young man is a painful experience. It’s easy to be cynical about sportsmen, but these guys started out loving a game and then began to believe they could succeed in it. My friend never played football again after his last rejection. There are a lot of people worse off in the world, but having your hopes built up and wiped out before you’ve reached adulthood is crushing.

    My guess is he’s never going to make it as a professional.

  13. daffodane says:

    @Bbf
    You really have chalk and cheese there with those two players with different abilities. Big fan of Hook, my mates son came through the youth system at Aberafan with him, and watched a lot of him as a kid so a bit biased towards him being picked. He really is a mercurial talent, I always thought he would be the next great FH for Wales, but it has not worked out that way for him. I have heard from some quarters (Fans meeting him) that he has attitude problems and is a little difficult. But that’s not the kid I remember, if selected this is last chance saloon for him to prove the doubters wrong. But if Wales are going to use the battering rams of The Dr, Cuthbert and North a little bit of creativity and flair would not go amiss?

    Following the O’s saw a lot of Dan Biggar when he came on to the scene (and was selected over Hook at FH?).

    First there was Dan Biggar Mk I, a kid full of confidence to the point where it came over as arrogance. Seemed to have good skills to be a good FH, passing, kicking from hand, goal kicking, but he was a little flaky and generally seemed over pumped, over excited. Constantly barking out orders (to no one in particular?) and trying too hard to be a one man band, and do everything. His game management skills were poor and still yet to develop, but you could see he had potential. A short run of good form, the press started singing his praises, Wales call up, good run of form against tier 2 nations, couple of bad games against the big boys, loss of form, press make him scapegoat, dropped.

    Dan Biggar Mk II, (Still only 23!) every coach that works with him sings his praises as a top FH. I personally put that down to him being a modern model professional and is malleable, (not as much as Priestland is, he almost plays by wrote). But in this risk averse professional rugby era we are in, IMO he seemed to be selected over Hook at the O’s, and Wales because he is less of a maverick. To highlight this opinion of mine, both are prone to throwing intercept passes, with Hook it’s because he’s unpredictable (for both teams!), where as when Biggar throws an intercept it’s because he’s playing to the coaches game plan. This was obvious in the HEC Tigers game where Flood caught the intercept and scored because their defence captain had read the patterns and had made Flood play higher up the field in defence.

    So who will Howley pick, as it’s Howley I have no idea! But I feel he leans toward a conservative approach so maybe Biggar?

    I see there is another blog, so you might not get this reply, I’ll remind you on the other blog.

Comments are closed.