IRFU Comms team, Dublin – Morning comes to Ireland, both parts. The dawn awakes to social flux: recession, abortion legislation, the wane of the Catholic Church, fresh northern Union arguments about the flegs of their fethers, and another generation of emigrants taking our World Class™ rugby seed to lesser nations. Amid the uncertainty of changing times comes good news without defilement:
The national ink shortage is ending.
Fr. Declan Kidney, current holder of the concentric roles of Dominus Atramentum, Blighter of Blots and Patriarch of the Unio Hibernicus Ovum Adflictionem Animi, this week delivered the welcome message in his usual indirect style, by announcing the squad for the 2013 Six Nations.
As the holy sheet was read aloud, the crowds under the sacred O’Connell Street balcony were silenced when new amendments were revealed on the ancient text. Names like “Lewis Stevenson”, “Paul Marshall” and “new captain Jamie Heaslip” soared across the island, the only sounds heard that wondrous moment; even the birds sat silent this day.
Fr. Declan, known and respected for his ability to speak obliquely to any conceivable conversation, theme or train of thought, has not himself commented on the new source of ink. However, learned scribes based in the western boglands have recently spoken of how a giant squid was clawed out of Galway Bay by a charitable bearded man speaking the mother tongue.
This monstrous beast of the Atlantic, scholars have rushed to speculate, was captured by the IRFU as a special project and has provided the ink that painted the fresh names onto the selectorial papyrus.
The sea monster could conceivably harbour enough black stuff to fire another run of biros out of the National Ballpoint Factory in Tuam, itself abandoned to ghosts and the weather at the very start of the Ink Famine sometime in mid-2009.
National wrangling and self-flagellation over Famine portents missed during the tenure of Fr. Declan’s predecessor, Cardinal O’Sullivan, can now cease, the Taoiseach and Stormont First Minister said today in a joint statement; it will not be long until the island of Ireland can write again.
Addressing the masses following the announcement, Fr. Declan said: “Sure they’re all great lads and there are tough decisions to make. It’s a privilege just to be part of all this, fantastic to be involved, may the best men win and hopefully that’ll be us.”
Sudoku and other puzzling inanities only enjoyed by the braindead; signing cheques to buy shit no-one really wants or needs; adding your name to the wedding register even though you can barely stop yourself from confessing it’s her hot sister you really love – modern liberty has returned to Ireland.
That revelation led to a spontaneous island-wide party as men, women and children drunkenly celebrated an increase in ways to fuck up their own existences good and proper – the lone tradition unanimously accepted by authorities and community leaders as common heritage among all the people of Ireland, north and south. One delirious citizen cheered: “It’s surprisingly difficult to cause yourself long-lasting or permanent trouble and pain without putting something in writing.”
A spokesman for the Rugby Fans for Sanity (RFS), using the terror group’s nom de guerre C. Balls, reiterated the faction’s ideological stance that the Ink Famine was a false flag diversion, and criticised the revelry that has followed Fr. Declan’s announcement:
“Fucking ink famine? What in the name of good shit is an ink famine? He’s just fucked up his job, like the last guy. It’s nothing personal – despite the awful PR, Deccie seems like a gent – but he’s got to go. Some of the new names are pleasing and keeping Heaslip as the captain is a progressive step – plus, although I’m sure he will be disappointed, we back O’Driscoll to fully take this in his stride. However, back to the main point, Decl…”
At that point the line went bad. A spokesperson for the Dominus declined to comment, other than to reiterate their view that, “Sure terrorism is probably not a good thing most of the time. I don’t know, I’m sure they’re all great lads. But the Famine is over, that’s the main thing.”
However, this is Ireland, where no good news comes without a ‘but…’
The national paper shortage continues.
As the ink parties broke out, eagle-eyed academics spotted that this Six Nations squad is supersized, with Fr. Declan unable to cast aside the dog-eared 2009 Six Nations squad list. Due to the unavailability of any other suitable writing surface, the consensus agreed, the new names were carefully added to the pre-existing roster.
Some, however, were not impressed, with the RFS saying: “Paper shortage? Get fucked. And 39 fucking players? Four scrum halves? Six props? You haven’t made any of the hard decisions, Dec…”
The IRFU board have declined to comment on rumours that Fr. Declan’s original squad for this year – rejected by the IRFU board over costs – was the phone books of the Free State and Norn Iron stitched together along the spines.
Back three: L Fitzgerald (Leinster), C Gilroy (Ulster), R Henshaw (Connacht), R Kearney (Leinster), A Trimble (Ulster), S Zebo (Munster); Centres: D Cave (Ulster), G D’Arcy (Leinster), K Earls (Munster), F McFadden (Leinster), D McSharry (Connacht), B O’Driscoll (Leinster); Fly-halves: P Jackson (Ulster), I Madigan (Leinster), R O’Gara (Munster), J Sexton (Leinster), Scrum-halves: I Boss (Leinster), P Marshall (Ulster), C Murray (Munster), E Reddan (Leinster),
Props: M Bent (Leinster), T Court (Ulster), D Fitzpatrick (Ulster), C Healy (Leinster), D Kilcoyne (Munster), M Ross (Leinster); Hookers: R Best (Ulster), S Cronin (Leinster), R Strauss (Leinster); Locks: M McCarthy (Connacht), D O’Callaghan (Munster), D Ryan (Munster), L Stevenson (Ulster), D Toner (Leinster); Back-rows: J Heaslip (captain, Leinster), I Henderson (Ulster), C Henry (Ulster), S O’Brien (Leinster), P O’Mahony (Munster).
Fr. Declan said: “Sure they’re all great lads and there are tough decisions to make. It’s a privilege just to be part of all this, fantastic to be involved, may the best men win and hopefully that will be us.”
When asked about his own team, rather than the opposition, he added: “Sure they’re all great lads and there are tough decisions to make. It’s a privilege just to be part of all this, fantastic to be involved, may the best men win and hopefully that’ll be us.”
Asked for his predictions of how the tournament will pan out, he went on: “Sure they’re all great lads and there are tough decisions to make. It’s a privilege just to be part of all this, fantastic to be involved, may the best men win and hopefully that’ll be us.”
Press release issued to LarryMilne. Pictures stolen off the internets.