The Road To Wigan Pie

This is the picture I sent me mam.

This is the picture I sent me mam.

So, this is what t’big fookin’ ponce has been up to lately then?

We just thought he’d found some right good porn and didn’t want to share.

Anyway, I’ve “borrowed” his laptop while he’s getting oiled down by some of t’backroom staff, it’s time to put to rights some serious fookin’ issues affecting rugby at t’mo’:

Meat pies.

I’ve heard some Aussie second-rater, I reckon he’s called “Bunny Rabbit” – stupid fookin’ name – has been bangin’ on about meat pies.

What the fook would he know about meat pies? Have you seen what them bastards do to a meat pie?

They take a (probably right dodgy, filled with dog food or kangaroo or summat) meat pie, cover it in red sauce, and plonk it in a bowl of green slime.

What t’fook is that all about?

It’s rhyming slang for “try”?

What t’fook are t’convicts doing using rhyming slang?

Tha’s for soft southern cockney bastards, them’s like on t’telly.

You know t’ones, them’s tha’s not on Corrie.

Dylan tells me that some Aussie bird really fancies me. Yawanay (not sure how you spell it) her name is. Sounds exotic! Get yer coat Ash lad, you’ve pulled!

Right, I’ve been hearing with my ears that punters want to know what’s so difficult about a right wing being shunted out of position and having his try-scoring form ruined by that bastard Lancaster, sorry, moved to play on t’left.

It’s hard to explain this to them’s that’s not got a good academic background in League, but I’m going to give it my best shot.

You know right, when you’re lookin’ in t’mirror right?

Did you know that your face was on backwards?

Fookin’ mental, but I swear it’s t’truth. It’s a bit like that.

When you’re on t’right, t’crowd’s to your right, and the lads are to your left.

If you look down carefully, your right boot’s nearer t’touchline than your left.

Now, when some fookin’ bastard shunts you out to t’left, everything changes.

Suddenly, t’crowds on your left, your fookin’ left, and the lads are all fookin’ miles away on t’right. When you look down you get all fookin’ dizzy ‘cos your feet are on backwards. Your left boot is nearer t’touchline than your right.

So, it’s like t’mirror thing only much worse…

Your whole fookin’ body is on backwards.

Chris Ashton donated his fee for this column, just can’t remember where.

About sagmog

Just the facts, man.
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890 Responses to The Road To Wigan Pie

  1. I think it should be physically rather than verbally expressed

    While tempting, depends on the sister more than the brothers. It’s not unusual for the battered spouse to side with the hubby when he gets his arse kicked like this.

  2. sagmog says:

    This is the problem.
    Not only do they not give a fuck about the Amlin, they’ve publicly stated it, so their fans won’t give a fuck either.
    They should be brought up before the beaks on charges of not making best efforts in a competition.

  3. Dovahkin says:

    dark chocolate digestive

  4. It’s tricky because until they are dead I can’t really want Bath to restore their old glories

    Hee hee.

  5. Not only do they not give a fuck about the Amlin, they’ve publicly stated it, so their fans won’t give a fuck either

    Oh dear. Am fascinated to see what Leinster do.

  6. MisterIks says:

    Good day everyone!

    @daff – I has a craft teacher at junior school called Ma Pritchard. She took a dislike to me and bullied and mocked me mercilessly during her lessons. Her favourite trick was to walk around the aisles with a ruler and hit you over the knuckles with it it she didn’t like what you were going. She was fat and wore bright red lipstick, and screamed ‘silly duffer’ so hard in your face that you could smell the lipstick.

    Needless to say it left its scars, and I’m crap to this day working with anything that needs handicraft skills. I even went to my son’s parents day at his nursery school and the teachers thought it would a great idea for the mums and dads to make models out of the kids stuff a la Blue Peter. I broke out into a genuine cold sweat at the thought.

    So the point is enjoy the model making with the young ‘un!

  7. Dovahkin says:

    Thats pretty bad form from Toulouse. Saints would gladly take thier place.

  8. Karl1976 says:

    bloody hell daff, if I were HBH I’d be conscripting the JRFC pack to go round and (to quote Andy McNab) give him the good news.

  9. elsnoopio says:

    I hope it comes back to haunt Toulouse – they might not care about the Amlyn but it does carry ranking points if they took it seriously.
    A drop in their ranking resulting from this season followed by struggling in groups of death in the HC would serve them right.

  10. Karl1976 says:

    Absolutely no fucking excuse for it no matter what the provocation
    At the risk of sounding like one of those whataboutery types at the bottom of a Bidisha article on CiF, this isn’t always the case. Without wanting to replace data by anecdote, I know of one guy (about 14 stone and in good shape) who was mentally and physically assaulted on a regular basis by his then girlfriend (of normal build). He didn’t respond because he thought (a) it isn’t the done thing to hit women and (b) if he had it wouldn’t have been any use pointing out his bruises, bites and nail marks, because the police and other safeguarding authorities wouldn’t believe it was her and not him who was the provocateur. It took him a long time to admit this has happened, because as he said ‘it just doesn’t happen to blokes and everyone would have thought me soft’

    As it happens the woman in question, a few months after the split, took an almighty kicking off someone, ironically a woman.

  11. @sag,

    I agree. I’m not happy with that statement either but I’m not sure what you do about it, can the ERC board impose some sort of sanction?

    For clubs like Toulouse large fines won’t be enough. Perhaps docking points at the start of the next HEC/Amlin campaign so that the team is handicapped from the start might bring some focus?

  12. avsfan says:

    By the look of that ball boy’s hair do, I’d hazard Hazard thought he was kicking Justin Beiber – totally excusable in my books.

  13. It took him a long time to admit this has happened, because as he said ‘it just doesn’t happen to blokes and everyone would have thought me soft’

    Rather sad world we live in, really.

  14. MisterIks says:

    Sorry to be catching up.

    I remember there was a bomb scare at an IKEA the Netherlands a few years back. There was a one-frame cartoon in the Observer (Thompson) of 2 bomb disposal guys defusing it and one has a left-over screw in his hand and very worried look on his face.

  15. sagmog says:

    Fuck them out of HEC for a year.
    If you’re not going to take all forms of European rugby seriously, you don’t get to play any.
    The “big clubs” (and Crash) would soon get the message.

  16. HairBearHero says:

    HBH are you a violent man, I need some work done in Jersey.

    Currently, yes. Guernsey have just cancelled our match on Sunday, leaving us £1.6k up shit creek. We’re flat fucking broke as it is, so I have no idea how we’re going to deal with this. Fuckburgers.

  17. Karl1976 says:

    Much like a certain wendyball player openly admitting that he’d aimed to get a booking to clear his account going into the next phase of a tournament, the problem isn’t the decision it’s the admitting of it.

    Noves is a clown for saying this. He could have quite easily have stuck his 2nd or 3rd string side in there and let them play and say nothing. He’s got to field a team for the competition, and it could have been developmental for them as individuals. Who knows, they might have progressed and faced a side on a downward trajectory that might be trading on past glories. Or Wasps, for that matter.

  18. elsnoopio says:

    We’re throwing Crash out of European rugby then?
    Serves him right.

  19. HairBearHero says:


    Just caught up and I see that we’re talking about domestic violence, rather than a joke. My sympathies, puts my irritation into perspective.

  20. titimanionga says:

    Ireland team for the match agin the Saxon yoke:

    15 – Robbie Henshaw (Buccaneers/Connacht)*
    14 – Andrew Trimble (Ballymena/Ulster/49)
    13 – Darren Cave (Belfast Harlequins/Ulster/3)
    12 – Dave McSharry (UCD/Connacht/)*
    11 – Luke Fitzgerald (Blackrock College/Leinster/23)
    10 – Paddy Jackson (Dungannon/Ulster)*
    9 – Paul Marshall (Ballymena/Ulster/)*
    1 – David Kilcoyne (UL Bohemians/Munster/2)
    2 – Mike Sherry (Garryowen/Munster)*
    3 – Michael Bent (Dublin University/Leinster/2)
    4 – Lewis Stevenson (Malone/Ulster)*
    5 – Devin Toner (Lansdowne/Leinster/3)
    6 – Kevin McLaughlin (St.Mary’s College/Leinster/5)
    7 – Tommy O’Donnell (UL Bohemians/Munster)*
    8 – James Coughlin (Dolphin/Munster)* Captain


    16 – Damien Varley (Garryowen/Munster/2)
    17 – Tom Court (Malone/Ulster/29)
    18 – Declan Fitzpatrick (Dungannon /Ulster/2)
    19 – Iain Henderson (Ballynahinch/Ulster/2)
    20 – Rhys Ruddock (St. Mary’s College/Leinster/1)
    21 – Isaac Boss (Terenure College/Leinster/15)
    22 – Ian Madigan (Blackrock College/Leinster)*
    23 – Ian Keatley (Young Munster/Munster/2)

  21. Aren’t Toulouse gifted with such strength in depth he could easily have fielded a B-side that could have given it a serious thrash.

    He’s a twat.

    I am curious to see what team Leinster announce. If Carr starts, then I bet you they’re doing that.

  22. sagmog says:

    We’re throwing Crash out of European rugby then?

    Just until he starts taking the Amlin seriously.
    Harsh, but fair I think.

  23. avsfan says:

    Friend of mine – 5’5″, 140 lbs, was regularly assaulted by his taller, heavier wife. Finally he called the cops. At first they didn’t believe him, until he showed them his bruises and pointed out the disparity in their physical size. She got carted off to the clink, divorce followed rather swiftly.

  24. See- look at that fucking Wolfhounds side! What the fuck is Deccie playing at? What’s the point of that?

    Fitz, Trundle, Boss, Court, Toner, etc etc etc.

    Bad luck paddies, though- Marshall starting at 9. That means that you’re probably going with Murray starting v wales.

  25. LarryMilne says:

    @MisterIlks – mate, that sounds horrible. I had a few teachers when I was young who weren’t afraid of using the ruler (not sure if this is usual, given I’m still in my twenties… not that long ago, I’m talking early nineties here) but nothing that bad. Horrible.

    @karl – agreed. It’s really very complicated in general (specific cases can obviously be much more straightforward). At core it comes down to “what justifies violence?” which is a question I’m not sure has been fully answered by anyone, ever.

    Re. Amlin – while that is a shame for Noves to say that, Toulouse have such a strong squad that they’ll have competitive teams out anyway, plus this could just be some genial meaninglessness from GN. Cf. Les Mots sur La Manche for further study. Schmidt says Leinster will fight on two fronts. Pro12 will be the priority – but as they’ve been beaten in each of the last three finals I’d say that’s understandable.

  26. Particuarly the back 3. Given the amount of prospects/ strength in depth that Ireland have on the wings, what the fuck are Trundle and Fitz doing there?

  27. Schmidt says Leinster will fight on two fronts. Pro12 will be the priority – but as they’ve been beaten in each of the last three finals I’d say that’s understandable.

    He shouldn’t be saying that either. Understandable though it is.

  28. flair99 says:

    I see that Guy Noves has stated categorically that Toulouse will not be giving any attention to the Amlin now that they’re out of the HEC and will be concentrating solely on the Top 14.

    I don’t know where you read this. If it was on the Planet rugby site, I’d question their translation. All Novès said was that he did not even know Toulouse was reversed into the Amlin ( they’ve never been in it before, they were in the H-Cup for the past 15 seasons) and that they’d concentrate on the Top-14. (Biarritz next Saturday). As far as I know, he never said they would not take the Amlin seriously.
    Bouilhou actually mentionned today in Midol that Toulouse being Toulouse, even if the Amlin is a bit of a “consolation prize” after the H-cup, they’d go to Perpignan to win their QF.

  29. avsfan says:

    I think Noves has been in his job a little too long.

    Deccie sure knows how to pick the up-and-comers, doesn’t he?

  30. elsnoopio says:

    I dunno, a few experienced players isn’t a bad idea – they know the ropes and should be a steadying influence on the younger players.

  31. I dunno, a few experienced players isn’t a bad idea – they know the ropes and should be a steadying influence on the younger players.

    Yes, but it’s not a few. It’s the vast majority. Now, I can make a decent case for Fitz being there, given recent injury problems and feeling his way back to International rugby, but Trundle? Toner? Boss? Court?

    No chance. The Wolfhounds should be an “experimental” side. If this is Deccie being experimental, then it’s no wonder Ireland are so stagnant.

  32. sagmog says:

    a few experienced players isn’t a bad idea – they know the ropes

    How to lose?
    Not sure how that experience helps the new boys.

  33. yosoy says:

    That means that you’re probably going with Murray starting v wales.

    I don’t think anyone would have expected him not to.

    Kidney doesn’t really stray from his selections unless there’s an injury crisis.

  34. Dovahkin says:

    the wolfhounds shodl win comfortably given they’ve picked a side made up of those who have interntaitonla experience and those who a\re better than the ones that will be picked for the first team.

  35. Karl1976 says:

    Sag and Cat, an idea:

    How about you just take the original ATL article and re-post it, change its page title to have ‘re-post’ at the end of it, and then archive off the original article and close it for further comments. Then we can start with an uncreaking blog, at the minute the dinghy is about to get swamped I fear.

  36. This isn’t a bad idea. At the moment, I’m in the wrong office and can’t do anything editorial other than approving the odd comment.

  37. LarryMilne says:

    @cat – Luke is 25 years old and just back from injury, Toner’s not old. Saxons played Monye last year (I think) against the ‘Hounds. And Delon.

    While I agree over some of the selections, A sides are rarely just a load of teenagers.

    Also, Murray is nailed on for Wales. I’ve accepted that.

    Now, does anyone know if the Saxons-Hounds game is on TV?

  38. titimanionga says:

    @ Cat

    Toner has only had 3 caps internationally, which is three too many in my book. I wouldn’t have him playing, but for different reasons. Glad to see Henshaw getting a run at FB – he’s been brilliant for us this season and looks the real deal. And he was born in 1993. Christ that’s depressing.
    I would have gotten rid of Boss, Toner and Trimble from there.

  39. @cat – Luke is 25 years old and just back from injury, Toner’s not old. Saxons played Monye last year (I think) against the ‘Hounds. And Delon.

    While I agree over some of the selections, A sides are rarely just a load of teenagers.

    Agree about Fitz. I’d already qualified him. Toner? What more does Deccie need to know about him? My point is it isn’t one or two, it’s just an utterly sclerotic selection.

    You can now name the Ireland starting XV (mind you it wouldn’t have been hard before).

  40. Dovahkin says:

    It’ll be on sky if its friday night.

  41. @TitiDrop

    Do you know if the Wolhounds game is being televised? I cannae find a link on Wiziwig

  42. titimanionga says:


    I believe it is on RTÉ 2 – and hopefully on streams galore over the water in Saxonland.

  43. The point, basically, isn’t age- it’s suitability. I have no idea why either Delon or Monye played for the Saxons, and wouldn’t advocate either (much as I did previously rate both as players), or Myler for that matter, but Deccie is refusing to even look away from his favourites for the full side, and this filters down.

  44. elsnoopio says:

    Ages –
    19 15 – Robbie Henshaw
    28 14 – Andrew Trimble
    25 13 – Darren Cave
    22 12 – Dave McSharry
    25 11 – Luke Fitzgerald
    21 10 – Paddy Jackson
    27 9 – Paul Marshall
    24 1 – David Kilcoyne
    24 2 – Mike Sherry
    26 3 – Michael Bent
    28 4 – Lewis Stevenson
    26 5 – Devin Toner
    28 6 – Kevin McLaughlin
    25 7 – Tommy O’Donnell
    32 8 – James Coughlin
    29 16 – Damien Varley
    32 17 – Tom Court
    29 18 – Declan Fitzpatrick
    20 19 – Iain Henderson
    22 20 – Rhys Ruddock
    32 21 – Isaac Boss
    23 22 – Ian Madigan
    25 23 – Ian Keatley

    Average age of the match day squad 25.74

  45. LarryMilne says:

    @cat – those weren’t Joe’s words, or not that I recall anyway, about prioritisation. I read some quotes from him saying he wanted to win both. The rest is my reading of things: I find it hard to believe they will not try and win the Pro12 this year, first and foremost. The players looked broken after losing the final last year (lat-the-death winner by Shane in his last proper match, so few begrudgers…) even though it’s a pointless league no-one cares about and they’d lifted the HEC just a week earlier *coughs*.

  46. LarryMilne says:

    @cat – one other side of suitability is how far they are realistically from playing for the national side.

    If someone’s not on the national radar at all, why use this game to play them, get them used to the environment, playing with these other fellas, etc? Looked at from that point of view, picking Trimble makes a fair amount of sense. OK, he’s maybe Ireland’s fifth or sixth choice winger right now – but would there be any reason to choose someone who’s eighth, ninth, tenth choice? You say it’s about experimentation, but it starts to get a bit pointless so far down the roster.

    OK, I’m sure there are players out there who will be better than AT in the future, but the Wolfhounds play next year too.

    Also, ideally you want these teams to win, experience helps that, and it also helps the younger players come through (or is supposed to).

    There’s a balance to be struck. For the record, I would not have picked Trimble, and would have had Marmion on the bench instead of Boss, Ruddock starting over McLaughlin, Henderson over either second row (and, if not, fuck Ruddock, start IH at six). Maybe more changes if I think about it.

    Court I’m fine with, he’s in a shootout with Kilcoyne for the bench LH spot, let them fight it out this week. Makes sense.

    Also, it’s not about experimentation, it allows for experimentation. It gives coaches the freedom to try a few things if they wish. It’s about the coach doing what he wants to do. Sadly I have little faith in our coach.

  47. @flair,

    It was the Planet Rugby site where I read about Noves comments so I take your point about translation. It does quote him as saying that he wasn’t aware that Toulouse were even in the Amlin but he also goes on to say (according to PR at least) that they will “concentrate on the championship, nothing more than that.”.

    Which I read as not really giving a stuff about being in the Amlin?

    It wouldn’t surprise me if he’d been stitched up a bit there or quoted out of context, it’ll be interesting to see what he says next time he’s asked perhaps?

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