Ruchie’s Heiny Round-up

mccaw1Gidday fullas, Ruchie here. Still trying to get used to not strappin’ on the footie boots every morning, but there you go.

mccawSome bald Pommy bastard passed on a message from Hask asking me to drop by and give you fullas my two cents worth about this Heineken Cup thingy. Apparently it’s Europe’s second tier club competition, or so Hask tells me. He’s busy off DOMINATING (he asked me to make sure I put that word in capitals) the top one – called the Lamelin, or something – and he asked me to watch the footy this past weekend and give you all my opinion. So here goes.

First up, I gotta tell ya I don’t get to see too much of what you fullahs up North get up to. I’m usually too busy spanking Saffers and Aussies down south, but I’ll give it my best shot.

Okay, the Frenchy teams. Why the hell can’t they play as clueless as that when they play us, fercrissakes? Leaving aside Clermont, who are of course coached by me old mate Vern – top bloke, wanna see him crutch a ewe sometime, the man’s golden – but crikey, what were the other blokes thinking? Noves’ calls made about as much sense as Dingo’s. As me girlfriend Charlene once said to me: *cough* “What’s the point of packing all that meat if ya don’t know how ta use it?”

Me Pilates helps me keep up with Charlene

Me Pilates helps me keep up with Charlene

Same with Munster. ‘Course, with me old mates Dougy and Casey there, and Robbo on the mike callin’ the shots, those blokes know how to do a number on anyone. Although Old Nick is in good form for Harlequins – funny name for a footy team – I wouldn’t be too surprised if the Lads From Turnipstan do a number on them, come whenever it is.

Which brings me to another thing that’s been bugging me. How fucked up is your season up there, or what? When’s this Heinie thing kick off again? Just after you’ve got a good head of steam up, you’re off to play in some other comp for a bit. A least down South, we know who we’re playing and why, week in, week out. As Charlene once observed, how are you supposed to perform at the top level without knowing from day to day who you are partnered with?

Charlene's never far away from me thoughts

Charlene’s never far away from me thoughts

So anyway. Who’s gonna win? Frankly, I don’t have a clue. But I’ll share with you who I’m glad won’t be winning. That fucker Dylan. Next time I’m in Scottyland, I’m gonna buy the whole country a pint. Karma is a bitch. Speakin’ of karma, one of the things I’ve been doin’ while I’ve been takin ‘er easy is plotting how to get that fucker Quade back good and proper. If there’s one thing worse than an Aussie, it’s an Aussie from Tokoroa. Chippy little shit. Charlene reckons she wouldn’t do him, even using me as a contraceptive device, which is a relief.

My preferred contraceptive device. A tight fit, but guaranteed not to burst under pressure

My preferred contraceptive device. A tight fit, but guaranteed not to burst under pressure

Anyway, Hask tells me not to sweat it. Reckons he’ll sort Quade this June when he captains the Lions down there.

So okay. Great to chat, catch you next time. Oh, and you Pommies. Don’t get too far ahead of yourselves. We’ll be back. As Charlene says, real men do it time after time, not just once every ten years.

No airline would fly avsfan to New Zealand gratis to chat to Richie so he was forced to rely on hearsay

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About sagmog

Just the facts, man.
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915 Responses to Ruchie’s Heiny Round-up

  1. Have given up coffee before when suffered from panic attacks a couple of years ago. Therefore, I can category state that giving up coffee is the only sensible option when faced with this terrible choice.

  2. meadesian says:

    33 degrees, Deebee?

    Sigh.

  3. OK. As there’s no decent Rugby this weekend, I’m publishing the HASK v Japanese Cinema shortly. Because we need a new blog

  4. Kocktopuss says:

    No idea why any of this crap should’ve been mentioned in a tribute piece to one man.

    Bog-standard Graun elitism with a dash of trying to forever “claim” Keating.

  5. Re page views. We can see the number of times the blog is viewed, where they come from, who referred them and so forth. We can also, it’s changed and we can also see unique visitors as well. Our previous record was 5,780 views ish per day and dated back to the World Cup, I think. We passed it yesterday, and I think (haven’t checked) that the unique visitors count is also rising.

  6. Kocktopuss says:

    @sag

    If you think things are getting out of control then check out the comments section on this article;

    http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/sport/2013/0123/1224329184245.html

    Have a look at the 4th comment by a dude called kieranmagennis…

    It seems our fame/notoriety has spread to other corners of t’rugbyweb.

    Wonder who he’s on about though. I’d hazard Az at a guess as he’s been calling for a return to old school, up the jump Munster stuff lately on the Graun. I remain a Penney convert.

  7. titimanionga says:

    Thanks, Cat. By the way, have you ever watched the red letter media reviews of Star Wars?

  8. sagmog says:

    You going to publish the Hask’s film thing Cat?
    Creaking like a bastard now.

  9. Nearly finished it. Given it a quick rewrite due to worrying conversation we’re having this morning.

  10. avsfan says:

    Proof, yet again, of Hask’s ability to DOMINATE anything he puts his mind to.

  11. Just got to put the pictures in now.

  12. That’s fucking weird it went pear shaped.

  13. thaumaturge says:

    Coffee: have to drink 3 mugs of strong black coffee, freshly ground French roast, before I can do *anything* in the morning. Then a lattè at work. Once that’s done its work I can do something productive.

    Best coffee I’ve ever had was Jamaican, Blue Mountain I think, which my uncle brought from Jamaica where he’d been living. Horrendously expensive to buy here, but dirt cheap in Jamaica of course.

    Regarding penises, I’m quite fond of the mister’s and would be very unhappy if he gave it up for coffee.

  14. HairBearHero says:

    Great note to finish the blog on, Thaum.

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