As some of you may be aware, I have spent much of the last year bringing DOMINATION to other nations. I signed up for the Black Rams (only after I was assured that it had nothing to do with sheep DOMINATION- I’m not Welsh), and thus spent lots of time studying the WAY OF THE HASK in the far east.
What many of you may not know, is that back in the day, me and my old mucker Paul Doran-Jones had cinematic ambitions. Sure, this was not our finest hour, as let’s face it, there were some complaints but serious ethical issues were raised. Which is nice. Nevertheless, this early episode cemented a love of cinema in me that I’ve carried ever since.
So, as I’m tired of being mocked for my most secret innermost thoughts, I’ve decided that I’m going to combine my love of cinema with the culture I absorbed in Japan and give you my thoughts on a film I picked up while I was there.
My first dabblings in Japanese cinema were, to be frank, a bit of a disaster. Yoshi (my guide) bought me in some fucking cartoons (which I was convinced was a backhanded slight at my intelligence). However, he explained that this was a recognised genre in Japan, and lots of people watched it. Well, when in Rome, so I put it on. Egads! The schoolgirls with unfeasibly large hooters were OK (and put some lead in little James’ pencil), but I was just dragging myself around the room to get things back under control (you do not get DOMINATED by your own penis, which, incidentally, is preferable to coffee) when all of a sudden a frightening tentacle beast from another dimension popped up and inflicted a whole shitload of unexpected anal violations everywhere. I have to tell you, though, that I went limper than an Adele single. Horrifying, I’d rather watch Roseanne Barr rimjaw Jo Brand.
I had strong words for Yoshi that day, and ordered him to find me something with schoolgirls but not with Tentacle beasts from another dimension with worrying anal fetishes. So after a while, he came back with a film that I loved so much that I take it with me everywhere. That film? Battle Royale.
This has everything that a healthy boy could possibly wish for: guns, schoolgirls, violence, DOMINATION, things going bang spectacularly, random acts of stabbery and so forth. It’s basically great.
Suppose I’d best explain what it’s like. I asked Corbs for some help on this (as he’s a yank so knows lots about films), and he said the best way to explain it is to imagine a Japanese version of Lord of the Flies set in a crazy mixed up future. The only problem here was that I then had to ask him what Lord of the Flies was. A couple of hours later, I can categorically conclude that he’s full of shit. There’s no little fat kids called Piggy being DOMINATED here.
Basically, it’s a crazy mixed up future, and the fascistic government(reminds me of Jonno’s regime), passes the Battle Royale Act. This has a class dumped on an Island, equipped with random weaponry and told that nobody is getting off until there’s only one survivor. Queue carnage, with the kids taking to slaughtering each other with no little aplomb. Mitsuko (the crazy girl) and Kiriyama in particular DOMINATE proceedings by posting more kills than the rest, before Kawada is revealed to be a cheating git. I think he’ll make a quality flanker, that boy, just needs to put on some muscle.
The only problem is it’s in Japanese. Obviously, a multi-talented cunning linguist such as myself has no problem with this, but I did have to look at the subtitles on more than one occasion. Honestly, if I wanted something to read, I’d study my social media DOMINATING twitter feed. Nevertheless, there’s not a lot in the way of dialogue, and it doesn’t get in the way of the kids slaughtering each other. Well, not a lot.
Sadly, though, there’s no nudity here. Which is a shame. Basically, other than that, this is a perfect film and one I always show other people. Avoid the sequel, though, because despite it featuring Rugby heavily, it is, in fact, shite.
That’s all the time I’m going to waste on this, because the 6 Nations starts next week with our annual thumping of those hygiene averse sheep-stomach munching perverts from north of the border. Expect to see me DOMINATING harder, longer, and more ubiquitously than a horny tentacle beast in a room full of schoolgirls.