The HASK’S Film club

As some of you may be aware, I have spent much of the last year bringing DOMINATION to other nations. I signed up for the Black Rams (only after I was assured that it had nothing to do with sheep DOMINATION- I’m not Welsh), and thus spent lots of time studying the WAY OF THE HASK in the far east.

What many of you may not know, is that back in the day, me and my old mucker Paul Doran-Jones had cinematic ambitions. Sure, this was not our finest hour, as let’s face it, there were some complaints but serious ethical issues were raised. Which is nice. Nevertheless, this early episode cemented a love of cinema in me that I’ve carried ever since.

So, as I’m tired of being mocked for my most secret innermost thoughts, I’ve decided that I’m going to combine my love of cinema with the culture I absorbed in Japan and give you my thoughts on a film I picked up while I was there.

My first dabblings in Japanese cinema were, to be frank, a bit of a disaster. Yoshi (my guide) bought me in some fucking cartoons (which I was convinced was a backhanded slight at my intelligence). However, he explained that this was a recognised genre in Japan, and lots of people watched it. Well, when in Rome, so I put it on. Egads! The schoolgirls with unfeasibly large hooters were OK (and put some lead in little James’ pencil), but I was just dragging myself around the room to get things back under control (you do not get DOMINATED by your own penis, which, incidentally, is preferable to coffee) when all of a sudden a frightening tentacle beast from another dimension popped up and inflicted a whole shitload of unexpected anal violations everywhere. I have to tell you, though, that I went limper than an Adele single. Horrifying, I’d rather watch Roseanne Barr rimjaw Jo Brand.

I had strong words for Yoshi that day, and ordered him to find me something with schoolgirls but not with Tentacle beasts from another dimension with worrying anal fetishes. So after a while, he came back with a film that I loved so much that I take it with me everywhere. That film? Battle Royale.

This has everything that a healthy boy could possibly wish for: guns, schoolgirls, violence, DOMINATION, things going bang spectacularly, random acts of stabbery and so forth. It’s basically great.

Suppose I’d best explain what it’s like. I asked Corbs for some help on this (as he’s a yank so knows lots about films), and he said the best way to explain it is to imagine a Japanese version of Lord of the Flies set in a crazy mixed up future. The only problem here was that I then had to ask him what Lord of the Flies was. A couple of hours later, I can categorically conclude that he’s full of shit. There’s no little fat kids called Piggy being DOMINATED here.

Basically, it’s a crazy mixed up future, and the fascistic government(reminds me of Jonno’s regime), passes the Battle Royale Act. This has a class dumped on an Island, equipped with random weaponry and told that nobody is getting off until there’s only one survivor. Queue carnage, with the kids taking to slaughtering each other with no little aplomb. Mitsuko (the crazy girl) and Kiriyama in particular DOMINATE proceedings by posting more kills than the rest, before Kawada is revealed to be a cheating git. I think he’ll make a quality flanker, that boy, just needs to put on some muscle.

The only problem is it’s in Japanese. Obviously, a multi-talented cunning linguist such as myself has no problem with this, but I did have to look at the subtitles on more than one occasion. Honestly, if I wanted something to read, I’d study my social media DOMINATING twitter feed. Nevertheless, there’s not a lot in the way of dialogue, and it doesn’t get in the way of the kids slaughtering each other. Well, not a lot.

Sadly, though, there’s no nudity here. Which is a shame. Basically, other than that, this is a perfect film and one I always show other people. Avoid the sequel, though, because despite it featuring Rugby heavily, it is, in fact, shite.

That’s all the time I’m going to waste on this, because the 6 Nations starts next week with our annual thumping of those hygiene averse sheep-stomach munching perverts from north of the border. Expect to see me DOMINATING harder, longer, and more ubiquitously than a horny tentacle beast in a room full of schoolgirls.

Ciao, motherfuckers,

James

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682 Responses to The HASK’S Film club

  1. Huzzah!

    Inspiration.

    27 minutes to go. Am waffling about “inclusion” and “community”.

    That should get me out of gaol.

  2. Aaaaaaand Done. Also helped by that I found a piece very similar I wrote a year ago. Nothing changes here.

    Yay.

    Loathsome piece of copy.

  3. avsfan says:

    Who else thinks deebee should be banned from these boards until he is living somewhere cold and miserable while being forced to eat stale biscuits and cold gravy at gunpoint?

  4. HairBearHero says:

    @avs

    Not banned, per se. Just think he should be hit with an electric shock whenever he gloats.

  5. dermott says:

    Late to the polenta party but it’s made with either water, stock, milk or a mixture of milk and water. What you’re going to do with it later dictates whether butter and/or cheese is added.

  6. Delving into CiF today…

    Apparently pupils at 6 shouldn’t be taught to read and write. They should play.

    OK, I actually know quite a lot about this, and it’s honk. Utter honk. The problem isn’t about pressure on 6 year olds, but about crushing the entire educational system from the bottom up. You want to know why we have illiterates leaving school at 16, then look at this.

    Primary teachers should have a duty to teach the 3R’s. Fact. Basic numeracy and literacy allow teachers latitude to actually teach the various subjects properly at a later date instead of pissing time away on fundamentals that should have been covered before.

    By the same score, though, chaining them to a desk until they can recite the entirety of T.S. Eliot’s book of practical cats isn’t the answer either.

    ‘sabout balance. It’s skewed at the moment.

  7. RandomName says:

    DrCC,
    I think Finland is often quoted as being the best educational system in the world, and I think they play at age 6.

  8. Chekhovian says:

    @DCC

    Fundamentals first, absolutely. When I was a 13-year old in (state) high school, some of my peers didn’t know what an apostrophe was. Not that they didn’t know how to use it, or used it incorrectly, no no. They just plain didn’t know what one was.

  9. HairBearHero says:

    @Cat

    Agree entirely.

    Children aged 6 should be learning in a fun and enjoyable way, but the emphasis is on learning

    A good teacher at that age should have no problem in interesting the class in maths/reading, and being able to write in a half-decent fashion should be a given for a 6 year old. Kids are information sponges at that stage, you just have to figure out how to catch their interest.

    Also, why the hell is putting pressure to be able to read, write and do basic sums onto a 6 year old a bad thing?

    By the same score, though, chaining them to a desk until they can recite the entirety of T.S. Eliot’s book of practical cats isn’t the answer either.

    The teaching and “analysis” of literature at GCSE/A2 is one of the things that almost destroyed my love of reading.

  10. @RandomName

    It’s true about Scandinavia. However, what I bet they don’t have is the likes of CATS testing. Almost everything now, unlike when we were nippers, has the pupils being measured etc all the time. Being able to read is a fundamental that underpins the entire educational system in this country, and postponing it leads to difficulty later. The problem is this:

    1) Working parents.
    2) Crap Primary Teachers.
    3) Over testing of young pupils

    These are interlinked. Very often parents simply don’t have the time to spend with the pupils. Developmentally this is terrible. A lot of what constitutes homework for a 6 year old is 15 minutes of reading, or learning a bit of spelling. It’s not a vast workload. I used to do this with my mother without having it set as homework. Not any more.

    I’ll go over the rest of it when I get back, but it’s something I see quite a lot.

  11. yosoy says:

    @ Canary

    Man for Man how does this match up against the likely Welsh team?

    Not that it matters, whatever way deccie wants them to play will probably be the wrong way. And Wales might be able to remember how to close out a tight game against us if not the convicts.

    On the first point, I don’t have a clue who Howley is going to pick yet. And the team isn’t being announced until Thursday. I’ll see if I can ask a bloke who knows a bloke to see if there are any hints.

    On the second point, about the only thing which hasn’t made me give up already is that Ireland haven’t been great in recent times. The Welsh and Irish players know each other far too well for there to be any sort of mental block on either side.

  12. MisterIks says:

    Ah the reminisces. Early twenties (my age not the decade this story is set). Me and two mates had a good old night out in a country pub but didn’t factor in how to get home after closing time. After waiting at the nearest bus stop for a good while we figured out we were stranded (no mobile phones in those bygone days).

    We thus decided to walk home rather than head to the nearest towm or village, using the “as the crow flies” approach. That was the end to our powers of reasoning, although we were probably too skint to afford a taxi even if we found one.

    So we clambered over a gate and set out across the countryside, and I swear we had only gone about a 500 yards when we heard a right commotion behind us. At least 3 flying squad cars PLUS police vans with dog handlers had arrived we were being pursued by torchlight and loudhailered to stand stock still and not make any sudden moves.

    In the ensuing ‘interrogation’ all I remember – apart from nearly shitting myself – was one my mates trying to come over all calm and sober by answering each question with the word ‘correct’ instead of ‘yes’.

    To this day I don’t know whose or what land we were trespassing on. We still had to walk home as well once the fuss had died down.

  13. RandomName says:

    I think in Finland you have to have a Masters before you can teach, so that must make quite a difference. Also the difference in culture, ours is pretty awful in some communities. I really doubt anything can be done to improve children that come from dodgy backgrounds. Only very few will have the desire to make the effort to better their parents.

  14. I really doubt anything can be done to improve children that come from dodgy backgrounds. Only very few will have the desire to make the effort to better their parents.

    Parental indifference plays a huge part.

    Also, crap primary teachers. There’s a hell of a lot of them that whine about how much work it is, and Children being over-stressed etc, and these are always the ones out of the door at 3.30. However, Kids are so over-tested (there’s a 7+ exam for non-State) that I will bet a large amount of cash that they’re assigning work that should be being done in the classroom as homework for the kid when he gets home. Admittedly, we aren’t talking about a thesis on modernism in the 20th Century, but basic reading and writing. Also apparent is the decline in the number of Teaching Assistants who would help out with this kind of stuff. Yet, you can’t cut into their breaks at all because there will be hell if you do. This all creates upward pressure.

    Finally- overtesting. Kind of ties into crap teaching, because with the amount of metrics and whatnot that they have to have the kids doing, if they’re not meeting targets, then they’ll get found out. So they tend to cram the kids around about the time it’s on.

    Oh, and diversity. 6 year olds do a lot more in the way of different stuff than when I was young. More you do, the less time you have for the basics.

  15. sagmog says:

    Any chance we can go to a Hask’s Film Club – continued, like we did last week? I’m looking round for a dinghy right now…

    New blog going up soon.
    Really don’t want to start repeating things again, hope that one was a one-off.

  16. Karl1976 says:

    Cat, I’m not even going over to the Graun, it will wind me up too much.

    For some reason, it’s seen as the school’s fault when a load of children can’t read or write age 11. It isn’t, it’s (in most cases) the fault of the parents. If you haven’t given your kids ‘the learning bug’ from the off, and it’s mostly nurture not nature, their capacity to learn is flawed and they will be hampered thereafter.

    It’s the quality of the home life in the pre-school years, and the brain-stimulating culture that you put in for your kids that dictates how well they do in the vast majority of cases. I’m pretty sure a kid in a family with a supportive home life will do pretty much the same whether they went to the best-performing (results-wise) or the worst-performing.

    How you fix that, of course, is another matter. Certainly the handwringing middle-class lefties at the Graun don’t feel its ever the responsibility of the parents, preferring to blame their bogeywoman of choice in most cases, and somehow managing to gloss over that the state educational system wasn’t a nirvana of learning between 1997 and 2010.

  17. wansteadimp says:

    I don’t remember homework before I started grammar school in 83. Was this normal in the 70s & early 80s?

    My parents did spend a lot of time teaching me basics, but they were both secondary teachers that had an idea how important it was. Not sure my dad taking me to his Chemistry lab on a weekend to show me what happens when you introduce sodium to water counts as basics but it was very cool.

  18. Agree Karl. It very much is nurture v nature. I was reading/ read to by my parents and I’m sure this helped me be interested in learning it for myself.

    The list of things the 6year old is asked to do is:

    Read 15m per day
    Learn 5 words for a test per week
    Basics of punctuation (this is very nebulous and I think intentionally to make it sound more arduous than it is)
    fill in a sheet about telling the time.

    This is not a vast workload, and to be honest, something the parents should have been doing anyway.

  19. canaryatthewharf says:

    @yosoy

    On the second point, about the only thing which hasn’t made me give up already is that Ireland haven’t been great in recent times.

    So true – sighs. Still, our run of defeats was broken in the AIs. Which only means we’ll be kind enough to let you break your duck against us.

    The Welsh and Irish players know each other far too well for there to be any sort of mental block on either side.

    Yes, both can remember victories against pretty much all the 6N teams if not the All-Blacks and Australia (Wales only). Damn it, this means we’re sort of agreeing with baldy on the mental attitude.

  20. HairBearHero says:

    I’ve never disagreed with baldy WRT the mental block that Wales appear to have. He’s bang on – there is simply no way to otherwise explain Wales actively throwing away 3 or 4 tight games in the last 3 minutes vs Australia.

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