This is your Captain Throbshaw speaking


English rugby was cleared for take off the day the Cumbrian PT teacher reappointed me Captain.

I was literally delighted to be reappointed. Not that there was ever any doubt. After all, I spent my formative years preparing for leadership at school. If there’s one thing you get from an elite education it is reassurance that you’re Officer Class.

Millfield prepared me for everything except playing alongside Northerners

Millfield prepared me for everything except playing alongside Northerners

Some in the media touted eye-gouger Dylan Hartley for the armband. I ask you, Millfield or some rough-and-tumble school in Rotorua? Have you ever been to Rotorua?

Rotorua makes Christopher Ashton with a tummyful of baked beans smell like Chanel

Rotorua makes Courtney Lawes with a tummyful of baked beans smell like Chanel

What’s more, as required under Clause 3(iv/b) of the RFU’s Captaincy Obligations, I have the requisite gorgeous girlfriend for public occasions.

We only ever fight over the mirror

We only ever fight over time in front of the mirror

Mind you, I did have a nano-second of self doubt last autumn. After her Dad said she’d be better off going out with him, Camilla Blu-tacked a 7-storey poster of Dan Carter to our bedroom wall.


More worrying, at Twickers, she was swooning all over him when not serenading him.

camillasingsFortunately he wore the wrong underpants on the day and my boys and I showed him what’s what. And Camilla saw the error of her ways.

While it’s not always easy to be leader, it’s proven that I have what it takes. I can absolutely make decisions, as I showed late in the autumn matches against the Colonials and Boers. Northerner Farrell minor was out of line but I have resolved that now.

Farrell (minor) has agreed to study English to avoid further misunderstandings

Farrell minor agrees to learn English to avoid further misunderstandings

But uneasy lies the muscular bicep that wears the armband. It’s claimed that I’m not a proper openside flanker. I don’t understand what that means. I carry and I tackle. I make sure my stats in those disciplines are always the best. It’s plain common sense to let Daniel Cole scrabble on the floor in the mud. He doesn’t have my hair gel bill.

Then there are the usurpers. Thomas Wood has been giving me grief. MOTM against Captain Underpants and Co? I don’t think so, that was all me. And he wants my armband. I don’t know why they’d prefer an Academy school chap to me.

At least Wayne Barnes sees Mr Wood for the fraud that he is

Wayne Barnes sends a message to all Academy school alumni

Then there are the would-be usurpers. There’s a promising young Worcester 7 with a name I can’t pronounce – Karsick? – training with the squad. Obviously from behind the Iron Curtain, I’ll have a word with the Border Agency.

In closing, last Saturday’s demolition of Caledonia in the Six Nations opener was proof positive – if ever it were needed – that the Cumbrian PT teacher knows his leadership selection onions. So onwards to the Six Nations Grand Slam, followed – as surely as port and cigars follow the ladies leaving the dining room – by the skipper’s armband for the Lions tour.

Memo to self: delete my Tweet in which I somehow substituted an F for the G in Gatland.

Now you’ll have to excuse me as the hairdresser wants to discuss colour tints.

As overheard by Coddfish at the hairdresser

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723 Responses to This is your Captain Throbshaw speaking

  1. boomkingish says:

    I think most english fans on here, particularly myself, have been quite restrained in our analysis of the england teams performance.
    Yeah, we’ve noticed – it’s been rampant amongst the English BTL, especially after the NZ test. “A good start – nothing more…some of the pieces are falling into place…still plenty of work to do…nothing to get too excited about yet… young players need to back up consistently at this level before any firm conclusions can be drawn… etc etc.
    I can just imagine all those pubs filled with Wayne Rooney-look-alikes stuffed into white sausage-casing shirts, bumping chests, fist-pumping and screaming “We have made quite pleasing progress in some areas!” and “At times we were somewhat lacking in precision in contact!”.

    Balls to all that – it’s just typical English arrogance dressed up in some ill-fitting alternate strip. Doesn’t suit you, doesn’t fool anyone. This is your once-in-a-decade* chance to gloat, so just get on with it.
    * I’m excluding the 2015 RWC triumph, because I’ve been told winning at home doesn’t count.

  2. therealbennyblanco says:

    Gloating is unbecoming. I would never gloat. For example I would never gloat that I had just secured tickets to all 3 Lions test matches plus the Reds game, Brumbies and Waratahs game. That just wouldn’t do.

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