Make Lions with Violence: A disaffected Coach’s guide to who’s likely to be going to Australia


Keith Wood, Uncle Fester and me: separated at birth

Eh up lads!

It’s ex-league superstar and defensive fucking Guru Shaun here. I was going to give some fucking insight into the 6 Nations, talk about Wales’ strategies and whatnot, but it turns out we don’t fucking have any.

And there’s another fucking turn up for the fucking books. That ungrateful twat Gatland didn’t fucking pick me on his fucking coaching team. Reckon he got right confused, and picked that fucking Farrell chump because he was thinking of me. Least that’s what t’whippet tells me. Else, there’s no fucking reason that he wouldn’t fucking select me, Shaun “fucking” Edwards, mastermind of the “Big bastards in the Line” selection policy.

Instead, and this is fucking inexplicable on every level, he’s picked that fucker Howley. Not only is Howley a Wales coach who is actually a sheep botherer, which automatically makes him both useless and clinically insane, but he’s responsible for our innovative “run sideways until out of room” plan, that means we’re less likely to score than a Manc in a Scouse bar.

He’s single-handedly undoing all the hard work me and Wazzer put in over t’years toughening up this bunch of daffodil eating pansies. You think these fucking freezing chambers are actually for fitness? Bollocks, they’re to strip the luxury out the pampered buggers! Remind them what it’s like to get up 2 hours before you go to bed to trek down fucking pit. Bit of fucking hardship never hurt anyone. Character forming, you know, and us Leagueies in the M62 Corridor have more fucking character than the cast of that soft southern shite Downton Abbey.

Course, nobody watches our game, but that’s reet good too. Perpetually losing to Australia in front of 2 men in flat caps, a hungry dog and a lost racing pigeon just makes you tougher.

Fucking livid.

Anyway, we’re one game in and I’ve got some thoughts on who’s going on trip to convictland. He’s going to take a right load of people, because it’s good for the air miles, and he’ll be able to take t’family somewhere reet classy for a break. I’m telling him to go to Torremolinos- had a right good full English last time I was there on us hols.

He’s reckoning that the AI’s are more important than 6 Nations. Shite. If he goes on that, then not one of our players will be going with him, as we’ve been shite since last year’s tourney. Eight in a row, you know, still we’ve got to win some time. If not one of t’lads goes, then they’ll be reet pissed off, and I’ll have to dish out a fucking kicking like when we started. First fucking day, I had to paste some lippy bugger, and we’ve never looked back.

Right, so this is t’group of lads I’d take (ignoring recent results- count for shit anyway in the grand scheme of things):


  • Gethin, Adam Jones (good, tough pair. Jones may be a bit of a porker, but he can stuff the Aussies right up their own jacksies)
  • Lydiate (if soft fucker’s not in casualty again), Felatu, “Big” Sam Warbuton (Sam will be captain. Sure he makes a twat of himself in the press, but we all do that, but he showed the right stuff when he piled that diving French git into a drawing pin. That sort of stuff is just what the doctor ordered- it’s a man’s game, after all)
  • Mike “Best SH in the World” Phillips (who cares if he can’t pass? He’s hard as fuck and plays like a forward. He’d have been a cracking league player as he always finds the man to run into)
  • The Doctor, JD2 (not any fucking need to pass if you’re thrashing round on t’ground), “little” Leigh Tuppence, English George, Crybaby Nancy Alex (All big lads, and Leigh is right good at kicking)


  • Cian Healey. (Aside from having a stupid name, he’s a big fucker)
  • Best (name says it all)
  • Ryan (Another big lad. Shame Paul’s not likely to be fit, because I’d take him every fucking time)
  • SoB and Ferris (Pair of fucking monsters)
  • Sexton (lack of choice. Softer than a melted ice cream)
  • Zebo (Sounds like fucking comic book character), BoD (Non-playing captain), Robbie K (Were magic against Saffas),


  • Euan Murray (Religion is bollocks, nowt to it, but he’s on t’flight)
  • Big Richie Grey (Fucking huge lad, this)
  • Kelly Brown, (Gives his all. Would have been great in t’proper code)
  • Wee Rory Laidlaw (I’m not sure about this. Reckon he needs a few slaps to toughen him up)
  • Tam Visser (Poor fucker can’t remember where he’s from.  Sign of a good honest northern concussion, that)


  • Either Corbs or Marler- Depending on injury, Dylan (dirty fucking bastard, I right approve), Dan Cole (look at that face, there’s someone that looks like he’d chew through a steel bar for the cause)
  • That Kid and Parling (bit soft for my tastes the pair of them), Big Courtney (‘nother dirty bastard. Never have too many up for t’fight)
  • Big fat Ben (can’t do 80mins. Fucker. I’d have him in a cryochamber faster than the time my racing pigeon, Speckly Jim, set on way back from Donny),
  • Robs (can captain dirt path lads),
  • Little fat Ben and Drunken Danny Care. (Just give me 5 minutes with them. Discipline problems me arse)
  • Faz (Good league pedigree. Even if his dad has nicked me job)
  • Manu (fucking Rhino)
  • Chrissy Ashton (Fat lad, but were top league player)
  • Mike Brown (looks like thug, Solid in defence. I like him)

There you go. That should be plenty to stuff t’convicts. Lots of fat lads up front and a nice few hard men from league in t’backs. Sure there’s the odd pansy, but if we keep them carrying water the real men can get stuck in to the violence.

I’ll give you me final, me fucking ultimate, selections after tourney finishes.



PS- if one of you bastards mentions London Irish, there will be consequences. It’s my own fault for trying to instil some spine in a bunch of soft southern jessies. And Irish jessies at that. Couldn’t fight sleep.

As dictated by Dr. Claws Cat from his hospital bed.

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616 Responses to Make Lions with Violence: A disaffected Coach’s guide to who’s likely to be going to Australia

  1. thaumaturge says:


    as a Father

    Fuck me, are you a priest?

  2. laraxwell says:

    Have you a confeesion to make dear?

  3. thaumaturge says:

    Brandy is more-ish. But that is not a good idea, so off with me to bed.

  4. thaumaturge says:

    That was not my confession. But it will do for now.

  5. Shibui says:

    Interesting, thanks Thaum, Lara. Hasn’t Mallett made noises about wanting to spend time with his own family in South Africa? I agree with Thaum that it would be a shame if McLoughlin’s front-line coaching career has come to an end. How did Williams get on in Australia? Was there any particular reason given for his departure in 2011?

  6. karl1976 says:

    Lara is one in the church of POC, thaum…

  7. firstdifference says:

    Williams was one of the scapegoats for Australia’s failed world cup. So he didn’t go great. Last I heard he was working trying to encourage indigenous youth to play rugby. If it succeeds that would be a very good thing for Australian rugby, there is a lot of very talented aboriginal kids out there but they mostly end up playing Aussie Rules or League.

  8. Shibui says:

    Sounds like valuable work.

    Isn’t it the case that most of the talented athletes of whatever ethnicity everywhere but parts of Queensland and the leading private schools end up playing Aussie Rules or League? It has always amazed me that Australia have been able to sustain such high standards (more or less always 2nd or 3rd in the world, beating the All Blacks, etc.) with such a small player base, no domestic competition, and whilst scrapping for talent with Aussie Rules and the NRL. Is the ARU making much of an effort to expand the game beyond its Queensland heartlands, as far as schools, academies etc. are concerned? How present is union in Australian society? Is it perceived as a ‘middle class’ or even ‘elitist’ sport? I’m always keen to know more about the rugby cultures of other parts of the world, to make more sense of the style, traditions, habits of the players etc.

  9. avsfan says:

    Lara forgive me, for I have sinned. I have cast a wanton, lascivious eye over locks other than Paul O’Connell, and secretly admired from afar players who don’t wear the sacred, hallowed vestments of the Munstermen. I am evil, and deserve to be punished.

    Whip me, big boy.

  10. firstdifference says:

    There was a belief under John O’Neill that a top down approach would be best, expand super rugby, try to make the Wallabies successful and that would attract support. So there hasn’t been enough investment in the grass-roots. That said, unlike some Australians, I am not asstrong a believer that the all you have to do is provide the traditional clubs support and that will grow the game.

    But there doesn’t seem to be a strategy to appeal to areas beyond the traditional support in Queensland and the Eastern and Northern suburbs of Sydney. Israel Folau a huge league star from Western Sydeny signed with the Waratahs recently, and rather than have him play for Parramatta they have him signing for more established clubs in rugby areas. They let Steven Mafi go, another massively talented Islander from Western Sydney who went to a state school and a player for Parramatta. The Parramatta club itself, as far as I can tell, is more or less being kept alive by Tatafu Polota-Nau.

  11. Shibui says:

    I didn’t realise Folau had also played in the AFL; he must have had all kinds of blandishments thrown at him by the ARU to convince him to make the switch. I suppose it makes more sense to target younger players than to recruit expensive/ageing/declining stars like Sailor, Rogers or in England’s case Farrell Snr, and it might secure a moment’s media attention and some increased fan interest if the switch is managed well (is the league/union divide as tribal in Australia as it is in England? Will a league player be seen as a turncoat, or will people follow him into union?), but it can’t be a healthy basis on which to run a game, and as you say they don’t seem to be making the most of the opportunity for expansion Folau’s switch represents. How much salience does this issue have in Australian rugby? Are fans bothered by it? Established clubs?

    It seems to be a problem shared by all except perhaps NZ and SA (where there are different and much more politically sensitive issues) that there isn’t the will to expand the game. This contrasts quite strongly with the IRB’s willingness to put up funding for expansion in ‘non-traditional’ rugby nations.

  12. coddfish says:

    Re Michalak, I watch a lot of Super Rugby and he really did look reinvented last season. Got onto the player of the year list too, along with Faz, underpants and Ruchie,not that that means anything

  13. firstdifference says:

    I don’t think Folau will switch anyone from league to Union, as such. But he will definitely generate interest among those who have an interest in both and have stopped paying attention in recent years, which is a lot of people. There a lots of islanders in western sydney, who have a rugby heritage, who might be turned off by the image rugby has in Australia who could be kept in rugby or attracted to rugby. There has been some effort to portray Folau as a mercenary by league folks, but I think these have largely been unsuccessful because if he had been interested in money alone he could have kept going with the last two years of his AFL contract which was worth over a million a year.

    Folau is a real talent if he can be managed succesfully. He scored 2 tries and set up a third in his debut for the Waratahs is a Super rugby trial on the weekend.

  14. tichtheid says:

    Right, I can’t be doing with all that analysis business, waiting for teamsheets, looking at the weather forecast, chucking the bones of small rodents on to the floor and reading how they fall etc etc.

    I’ve gone for a ten point win for three teams, Scotland, France and England, for no apparent reason.

  15. Chekhovian says:

    The Scottish team is out, ticht. No changes ‘cept Harley for strokosch at 6 and Ford for Hall with MacArthur on the bench.


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