The Secret Diary of James Haskell (IQ 25 1/2). 8th February 2013

The GUN SHOW v Rhino: Only going to be one winner

The GUN SHOW v Rhino: Only going to be one winner

Gazes into mirror

I am gorgeous.

SLAP

Right, James, you stupid, stupid bastard. This is your chance. You’ve done it. You’re at the big show. Don’t fuck it up, you fucking lovely bastard.

SLAP

It’s Ireland in Dublin. They’re a big bloody side, but who cares. This is your moment. This is your chance. Go out there and FUCKING DOMINATE. You can do it.

SLAP

You’re prepared. You’re ready. Your GUNS are locked and loaded. You’ve never been more fucking ready. You fucking hear me? YOU ARE FUCKING READY TO FUCKING DOMINATE YOU FUCKING GORGEOUS MOTHERFUCKER.

SLAP

They love you, James, everyone loves you. Stride on to the pitch and make it count. You can do it. DOMINATE from the base of the scrum; upend that big farmer bastard and force feed him some metaphorical spuds.

SLAP

You are ready. This is it. This is as tough as you’re ever going to be. You’re a fucking lion, so fucking ROAR for me lion. FUCKING ROAR!

SLAP

You’re a fucking star, James. A fucking supernova of DOMINATION. Get out there and show Ireland what for. Get out there and remind them that they’re a pissy little fucking colony. Get out there and fucking DOMINATE.

SLAP

80 fucking minutes, James. 80 fucking minutes to confirm to the world that you’re a legend. It’s all about the physical battle, James, all about the battle, and you’re a fucking warrior.

SLAP

Pain? You ready for fucking pain? I’ll show you pain. Pain is in the mind. Pain is fucking temporary, chicks dig scars and GLORY LASTS FOREVER. So get out there and fucking DOMINATE. DOMINATE ME YOU FUCKING BIG FUCKING BEAUTIFUL FUCKING BASTARD. FUCKING DOMINAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTEEEEEEEEEE!

SLAP

And that, I think you’ll find, is the perfect pre match ritual.

I’m positively engorged and ecstatic to see the squad announcement. The PE teacher has come to his senses and I’m going to lay some serious DOMINATION on the spud munchers. This is important. Not only is the championship wide open and up for grabs but there are also Lions places to be decided.

Big Warren will, no doubt, select perfect physical specimens. So I’m in with a great chance. Just got to make sure that I layeth the smacketh down.

And I will.

Oh yes.

I will indeed.

Best go as I’m dangerously tumescent and am DOMINATING my own pants in anticipation. I don’t want to ruin another banana hammock.

Ciao

James

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478 Responses to The Secret Diary of James Haskell (IQ 25 1/2). 8th February 2013

  1. meadesian says:

    Glad you had a successful night Brookter. The good news is Sale won. The bad news is that the puppy has chewed through the tv/broadband cables and you’re going to have to listen to the six nations on the radio.

  2. firstdifference says:

    @ Meades

    The game in general, or at least in attack, seemed much more structured and complex. Or at least the way the Australia and their leading side at the Brumbies were playing, huge numbers of phases comparatively and complex moves with lots of decoy runners.

  3. Good evening lads, I believe my name is Mrs KJH.
    Well hes finally gone to the pub,
    He told me not to frape him again….and then hands over the laptop with this open…..what am I supposed to do??
    I had a read of his last few posts and Ive a pain in me face laughing.Where will I start??

    The Gambling.
    I dont like gambling. But what sort of a person goes into a bookies, fills out a docket and then leaves???? Let him not complain the next time he comes shopping with me and I see a dress I like, but decide not to buy it…..all the more money for him to window gamble with.

    Now the bike.
    Here is the truth of the matter. Last summer the mid life crisis got into full swing, so he bought a bike. The only means of getting said bike home was to cycle it the aprox 8 miles on a narrow enough road with some pretty tight bends that drivers drive too fast on and only crazy people cycle on. So I made him buy a helmet to go with the bike, and dropped him off after work at the bike shop. I went home, collected the kids and said ‘get in the car girls Im gonna show you something funny.’ The younger ones were amused, but the teenagers were mortified, It wasnt a bit funny, It was the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to them, He was a funny sight in his work clothes all sweaty and gasping when he got home wearing his helmet. The bike was carefully placed in the shed and it has seen the light of day 4 times since, and 2 of those times was to take out the lawn mower and once for the christmas lights.
    That 200 quid would have been better spent on a bet about the colour of Lucys dress!

  4. meadesian says:

    Hello Mrs KJH! Good to hear from you again.

    I think you’ve got off lightly if the midlife crisis got into full swing and he only bought a bike. Most men go for a porsche.

  5. brookter says:

    Mr Meades, thank you for your kind thoughts.

    Fortunately, I had taken the wise precaution of leaving mrs brookter at home to watch re-runs of House and she was able to keep the Teeth-hound at bay by the judicious sacrifice of an arm.

    I am less happy, though, with the decision of the numbskull who decided to schedule the LV Cup semi-final for Sunday 10th March when England are playing. How stupid is that?

  6. Hello Mr Meade
    Oh yes, he went into the Porsche dealership, filled out the paperwork for the dream car…… and then left.
    To be fair I know the mid life crisis will peak this summer with the big 40. Hes dragging me to Dublin in May,,it seems theres some big match on in the Aviva ?? or somewhere and all his imaginary friends are going!

  7. meadesian says:

    Some of his imaginary friends on here – actually we’re all quite real – are meeting up in London in March. So if he offers you the chance of a romantic weekend around the 14th or so, you’ll know what he’s up to! Of course you’re both more than welcome to join us regardless.

  8. avsfan says:

    Mrs KJH: Thanks for dropping by again. You are a legend around these parts. 40 seems way too early for a mid life crisis. The 40’s are the old age of youth, you need to wait until the youth of your old age (50s) before beginning a mid-life.

    do you have any predictions for the 6 N matches this weekend?

  9. meadesian says:

    And what is your favourite biscuit?

  10. Shucks Mr Meade, thats the most romantic thing thats been said to me on quiet a long long time, thanks.
    For example KJH bought a bag of onions the other morning, and then text me at work to tell me that that was my Valentines present, He wasnt joking, cos thats more than I got for the past number of years,
    They were nice onions though.

  11. avsfan says:

    Well, a virtual bunch of roses from all of us here at the blog for you this V Day, Mrs KJH.

  12. avsfan says:

    One of my biggest bug bears is when people attribute their sporting success to Dog. Peter Fitzsimmons of the SMH agrees. Tell it like it is, Fitz:

    Meanwhile? Meanwhile, I try – I really try – not to run these kind of items but, like an odd compulsion I felt most particularly in my teenage years, despite one’s best intentions, once you start it feels too good to stop. For in the US, the Public Religion Research Institute did a survey in the lead-up to the Super Bowl that found that a quarter of Americans believe God ”plays a role in determining which team wins” at sports events, and more than half believe ”God rewards athletes who have faith with good health and success.” Weird isn’t it? No, I don’t just mean that otherwise serious people can really believe there is a Sky Daddy watching games and helping determine the result, but that they can maintain that belief even when they must note his staggering inconsistency. For on the one hand, in the modern NFL, you have Tim Tebow, perhaps the most publicly pious man who ever lived, and this season his major focus was not getting splinters in his bottom, after sitting on the bench for the New York Jets.

    And on the other hand you have Ray Lewis, the linebacker for the Baltimore Ravens, who was described by the wife of an opponent the other day on Twitter as having a background of ”6 kids 4 wives. Acquitted for murder. Paid a family off.” And he left the NFL after a 17-year career with victory in the Super Bowl. How exactly did you do that, Ray? Tell the folks: ”It’s simple. When God is for you, who can be against you? There’s no greater way for a champ to go out.” My head hurts. I think I am going to have to lie down.

  13. meadesian says:

    Avs, you charmer, you!

  14. avsfan says:

    Wh havea thing around here called a blog steal Mrs KJH. Watch this.

  15. avsfan says:

    Arse. Thanks Meades. Just when i was sowing off to the lady. Story of my life.

  16. avsfan says:

    Christ. I’ve only had one beer too. I swear I can spell better than this normilly.

  17. avsfan says:

    Ta-daaa. That’s what I’m talking aboot.

  18. Thank you Mr Avafan They smell lovely.

    The 6 nations is it?
    Of course Ireland are gonna win cos we;ve got BOD back and Jonnys leaving, oh the drama…! The Hollywood ending demands it,
    That is pretty much the extent of my rugby loving, i dare not express an opinion to all ye who have feasted from the salmon of rugby knowledge.
    But I was pretty happy to see Italy beat France the other day…. thats my kinda result,
    Also my children were afraid to enter the sitting room the other day while Ireland were playing cos Daddy looked like that big vein on the side of his head would explode.

    Biscuits… I like a hob nob. Chocolate one on special occasions.

  19. @avsfan youre sowing off paid off, I am suitably impressed. I took have only had one wine!

  20. avsfan says:

    Also my children were afraid to enter the sitting room the other day while Ireland were playing cos Daddy looked like that big vein on the side of his head would explode.

    Jaybus Mrs KJH. ireland were in front the entire game too, quite comfortably. Given that they are playing England on Sunday, and England ,might very well win – I’ve picked them to win by 6, which means they’ll probably lose – I would suggest taking the kids out for ice cream or some such while the game is on.

  21. avsfan says:

    Well, I’m off to the bar for dinner – hot wings and a salad, methinks. Mrs KJH, it has been a pleasure.

    Night all.

  22. well I fecking hope the wings were hot

  23. gaawd ye are all the same, get drunk and think about yer bellys

  24. titimanionga says:

    Reading the last twenty posts or so has been a true pleasure. The legend of Mrs kjh continues to grow.

  25. meadesian says:

    Mornin’ Claw

    Dog, what was I doing still up at that hour? Way past my bedtime.

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-21392242

    Hope FD and our north american colleagues are ok. I have visions of Avs nipping out to the bar for hot wings and a salad and coming home 9 hours later, having battled through several feet of snow.

  26. meadesian says:

    Indeed, another surreal visitation from mrs kjh. Probably lucky Karl had already gone to bed.

  27. titimanionga says:

    Morning, Mr Meades. That looks a bit tricky, doesn’t it? Bit of a nip in the air this morning here too.

  28. titimanionga says:

    She paints a fine picture of kjh. Well, a funny one anyway.

  29. meadesian says:

    At least she should be reassured that we exist, and aren’t a figment of kjh’s imagination. Or a sophisticated ruse to keep her off the laptop.

  30. titimanionga says:

    Indeed! And charmed by your good self and Avs too, she sounded very pleased.

  31. dermott says:

    Bit of gender stereotyping at the end though. For shame.

  32. MisterIks says:

    Morning all! Nice bit of snow fell overnight here in Heidelberg – good 3 inches or so, so more pleasant than difficult.

    Enjoyed last night’s late shift chat. I’m glad no-one had the heart to tell mrs kjh that the midlife crisis is likely to extend for 15 years or so.

    And I have free pass today! Stroll up through the Old Town in the snow. Full English in the pub before the first game, then spontaneous decision whether to watch Wales there or back home in my darkened bedroom. I’m optimistic at the moment so a public viewing is possible, but the FEAR will no doubt play a part.

  33. MisterIks says:

    And Mr blwydi smoothiebootsladiesman avsfan, the throbbing vein never lies…

  34. killerline says:

    Ha Mrs KJH is a legend.

    I’ll you who else is? Certain try scorer James Haskell.

  35. MisterIks says:

    Christ I’m in a good mood. Having a lie in while typing this, the real Mr.Iks curled up on my feet. I type too slow for a blog steal, but might it just be my day?

  36. brookter says:

    Report from Clash of Titans last night.

    Sale played like First Half Wales in the first half (with added pish). Then Exeter couldn’t Irish enough against the fearsome onslaught of creativity we unleashed as wave over wave of Sale players wove their mesmeric lines to cut the visitors to shreds. Ish.

    And Exeter had a try disallowed by the TMO for a marginal forward pass in the last minute that would have down or won the game for them.

    Tighter than a very tight thing.

  37. MisterIks says:

    @Claw – bit late but great news about Bottom Paddock’s bit event in July!

  38. Chekhovian says:

    I’m listening to the Today program on radio 4 through my headphones as the other half snoozes. Definitely got the FEAR now…

  39. killerline says:

    Wish I had a killer kitty keeping my toes warm…

  40. titimanionga says:

    Cheers Pooch! Looking forward to it immensely. The trick will be watching the last Lions test completely sober, for it is the same day…

  41. daffodane says:

    Good win by the O’s last night, the usual late season gain in form, but to be fair some of the young lads have been putting in some good shifts in all the other competitions all season, even Cai Griffith’s had a good game. I really thought Bevington was a shoe in for the Welsh team this year at LH, no one’s been near him on form, even gave Cole a hard time in the Tigers matches, where he was constantly being pinged for playing well.
    Humphries on top drawer over dogging form post match, think that’s his style now?
    Everyone has a bike out here, I have a local Taarnby (pro: Torn-bu) fixie, makes sense everywhere is flat. Not a MAMIL, but have a fair few run ins with them. I also ride a bike because I am a devout misanthrope, I have run ins with everyone. Got one of those faces I suppose that attracts trouble, and a very short fuse. Made a big mistake of having a run in with a white van man the other day. Only to find when I caught up with him there were 3 of them sitting in the front seat. Luckily it just ended up as a bit of childish taunting from them (Which didn’t help the situation) and a lot of shouting from me.

    Feel quite relaxed about the rugby today. No one expecting much from Wales away in Paris. Still think the French have not ironed out their problems. Wales can’t play as bad as their 1st half performance against Ireland, so it could turn out to be a good game.

  42. canaryatthewharf says:

    Haven’t really anything to say but just to stop MrIks feeling lonely I’ll say “Hi”,

    Hope for another cracking weekend of 6N matches. Wooden spoon battle between France & Wales should be especially interesting.

    Going out tonight so will miss Munster v Embra. Not sure it wll be worth recording as it’s on BBC Alba so won’t understand commentary. Though that could be a plus not a negative.

  43. brookter says:

    In fact, Sale were bad in the first half and a lot better in the second. For the time being only one point off the bottom of the table, though.

    Is there hope?

  44. MisterIks says:

    The FEAR Chek? Just what happens exactly, when the snoozing stops…

  45. MisterIks says:

    That should read Big event of course. I hope you don’t explode with anticipation the day before with all that to look forward to Claw!

    Morning back killer, cotw!

    Agree about Bevington, Daff.

    Well done to Sale.

    Now arse in gear time. Have great day everyone!

  46. Karl1976 says:

    I’m constantly having my reputation impugned on here! I wouldn’t have said anything untoward to mrskjh.

  47. Karl1976 says:

    bloody funny to read about his poor underused bike though.

  48. Karl1976 says:

    after the abuse I got for engaging in banter with Thaum, I will be an upstanding member of the blog from now on.

  49. sagmog says:

    I’m constantly having my reputation impugned on here!

    Ahem.
    It’s all there, archived for ever more.
    Typed by your own fair paw.

  50. Karl1976 says:

    That Kitson article really is honk. BTL is pretty honk too – and an epic troll failure from someone called ’90Miler’ who tries to do the ‘your boys took a hell of a beating’ thing aimed at England, but includes a Scotsman in the list, and forgets that the match is tomorrow, not today.

  51. Karl1976 says:

    ‘spose

    (has a little harumph about it)

  52. dermott says:

    @ brookter

    A win is a win is a win, as Gertrude Stein would have said if she’d been a Sale supporter. Plus it’s a win they wouldn’t have pencilled in. Irish and Welsh are still to come, aren’t they? The likes of Dan Braid add immeasurably to the team.

    I tipped them last night, BTW.

  53. Karl1976 says:

    Right ladies and gentlemen, I am absenting the blog for the next five hours as I’ve got a lot of DIY to do and I need to keep the FEAR at bay.

    Neither of those things are a euphemism, by the way.

  54. dermott says:

    @ Karl

    We find euphemisms in your every word these days.

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