Gazes into mirror
I am gorgeous.
Right, James, you stupid, stupid bastard. This is your chance. You’ve done it. You’re at the big show. Don’t fuck it up, you fucking lovely bastard.
It’s Ireland in Dublin. They’re a big bloody side, but who cares. This is your moment. This is your chance. Go out there and FUCKING DOMINATE. You can do it.
You’re prepared. You’re ready. Your GUNS are locked and loaded. You’ve never been more fucking ready. You fucking hear me? YOU ARE FUCKING READY TO FUCKING DOMINATE YOU FUCKING GORGEOUS MOTHERFUCKER.
They love you, James, everyone loves you. Stride on to the pitch and make it count. You can do it. DOMINATE from the base of the scrum; upend that big farmer bastard and force feed him some metaphorical spuds.
You are ready. This is it. This is as tough as you’re ever going to be. You’re a fucking lion, so fucking ROAR for me lion. FUCKING ROAR!
You’re a fucking star, James. A fucking supernova of DOMINATION. Get out there and show Ireland what for. Get out there and remind them that they’re a pissy little fucking colony. Get out there and fucking DOMINATE.
80 fucking minutes, James. 80 fucking minutes to confirm to the world that you’re a legend. It’s all about the physical battle, James, all about the battle, and you’re a fucking warrior.
Pain? You ready for fucking pain? I’ll show you pain. Pain is in the mind. Pain is fucking temporary, chicks dig scars and GLORY LASTS FOREVER. So get out there and fucking DOMINATE. DOMINATE ME YOU FUCKING BIG FUCKING BEAUTIFUL FUCKING BASTARD. FUCKING DOMINAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTEEEEEEEEEE!
And that, I think you’ll find, is the perfect pre match ritual.
I’m positively engorged and ecstatic to see the squad announcement. The PE teacher has come to his senses and I’m going to lay some serious DOMINATION on the spud munchers. This is important. Not only is the championship wide open and up for grabs but there are also Lions places to be decided.
Big Warren will, no doubt, select perfect physical specimens. So I’m in with a great chance. Just got to make sure that I layeth the smacketh down.
And I will.
I will indeed.
Best go as I’m dangerously tumescent and am DOMINATING my own pants in anticipation. I don’t want to ruin another banana hammock.