Piri’s Pie Cart: Who’s Next For The Black Jersey?


Kia Ora Cuzzies. Piri here. I got a text from Hask the other day: “Kaikoura Piri. Kan u rite a article 4 my website? Gotta go. Celts to DOMINATE.”

Choice ay? Me. Piri. Not Aaron, or Tawera or any of those other whipper-snappers. Hask asked me.

Anyway, Super season kicked off last weekend with them Ozzies getting in early to show how shite they are. We kick off next weekend so I thought I’d give you fullahs a low down on who to watch out for. Got some new fullahs coming through who are set to make their mark so you ought to know who they are so you won’t be too surprised when we come up your way with a few new faces in November.

Piri with his new half back partner for the Blues.

Piri with his new half-back partner for the Blues

First up, Charlie Piutau. One of my Tongan bros, plays full back for us at the Hurricanes Blues. Jeez, old habits. You can never have too many Islanders in your team built like brick shit-houses who can run faster than yours truly legging it to the pie shop before closing time. Me and Rene are the only two fullahs with pretty hair left in the Hurri Blues – FFS, Piri! – from last year, so we’ll have to keep an eye on him, but I reckon he’ll be choice.

Talking of the ‘Canes, there’s Ardie Savea, Julian’s little bro. Just as fast, but plays flanker. Imagine someone who can sniff the pill like Ruchie but with a rocket strapped to his arse.

Wellington-Ardie-Savea-photosportThere’s been rumours floating around for years say that Michael Jones had a love child with a Pit Bull but so far Ardie’s DNA tests have proved inconclusive.

"Michael who? Feck off if you're fond of your Adam's Apple."

“Michael who? Feck off if you’re attached to your Adam’s Apple.”

The Chiefs have been wondering how they are going to replace Money Bill, and word is they’ve got the man in Bundee Aki. Like me, he can be a bit too fond of the meat pies and Chop Suey, but once he gets his twinkle toes working he’s a hard man to get a hold of, more slippery than an eel in a pot of Puha.


“Mmmmm ….. Puha!”

With Richard “Almost As Good Looking As DC” Kahui running off him, look for the Chiefs to have the best midfield in the conference. Tst. Sigh. Big Dick Kahui’s one fullah you won’t be seeing in November. Off to Japan to cash up before his shoulder falls apart. Tragedy. Poor bugger.

The ‘Saders? There’s not too many fullahs still grow up on a farm chasing sheep all day and make it to the top ranks of rugby – most are twats who spend their lives in test tubes and academies – but Dom Bird is an exception. Big unit – 2.06m, 112 kgs – but gets around the park like a terrier and gonna be packing down in the ‘Saders’ scrum this year.

ITM Cup Rd 2 - Canterbury v AucklandOne more fullah to keep an eye on ‘cept you might need a microscope. Jason Emery at the Highlanders.

Jason-Emery-630This fullah’s built so low to the ground he looks like someone from South Park and, at 19, he still only shaves once a month, but he’s gonna be playing alongside Ma’a for Jamie and the Boys in the Deep South. What he lacks in size, he makes up for in whatever it is you need to make up for a lack of size.

So anyway, gotta run. Literally. I stand in one spot too long, my arse begins to grow two sizes. It’s bath time for my new team mates, I gotta hold their rubber duckies and make sure none of them slip and drown in the tub. See you fullahs in a couple of weeks. Go Blues! Phew. Finally got it right.

As told to avs in exchange for some puha.

About sagmog

Just the facts, man.
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474 Responses to Piri’s Pie Cart: Who’s Next For The Black Jersey?

  1. firstdifference says:

    Oh get a room FD


  2. sagmog says:

    The score writer and the director have decided to claim equal writing credits on my bit.
    They have none.
    None at all.
    Not a thing.
    My entire semi-retired lifestyle before I’m forty is predicated on not getting stiffed.
    They are trying to stiff me.

  3. titimanionga says:

    The sister just emailed me to say she got tickets for the Lions test in Sydney. Delighted for her. And yet sickeningly jealous.

  4. killerline says:

    @Sag very clear.

    Obviously it wasn’t clear when you gave no details.

    You look after your writing concerns I presume? Proof? It’s just hateful having to argue this through the courts. Christ I’d hate to have that shit.

  5. crovier says:

    thanks dtc
    almost sounds too good to be true.
    if lam isn’t as shit as his time in charge at the blues suggested next year might even be looking bright for connacht!

  6. firstdifference says:

    @ Sag

    That’s shitty.

  7. titimanionga says:

    Cro – I live, as ever, in eternal hope. Actually have the makings of a somewhat competitive squad.

  8. sagmog says:

    What makes it earth shatteringly bad is the smurf being aware of it.
    Nobody gets outraged on your behalf like your girlfriend.
    Cheers mother.

  9. titimanionga says:

    Sorry to hear that, Sag. Sounds like you will have to get Somali Pirate on their asses.

  10. crovier says:

    DTC- Lam’s does seem to have played a big part in attracting Clarke- though from that srticle you copied I think Veree should get some credit too!

  11. crovier says:

    whats happening – when i comment it seems to jump back in time????

  12. titimanionga says:

    Cro – yeah, big time. I actually have high hopes for Lam too – could be an exciting season in Galway!

    The national side, however…..

  13. killerline says:

    @Crovier you’re not wearing a flat-cap.

    Stick one on and try again…

  14. crovier says:

    sag- sorry to hear that
    no one wins when these things end up with the lawyers
    (apologies to any lawyers present)

  15. Kocktopuss says:


    That’s shitty news, mate. Is it a well-planned stitch-up job by them or just blatant chancery?

  16. dermott says:

    @ sag

    If you’re still around. What professional bodies/unions are involved or can be involved? The Writers’ Guilds deal with this sort of thing for members all the time. Pricks – producers, directors, unit runners, caterers – trying to claim co-credits.

  17. crovier says:

    Dtc – Yeah things really looking up. I was at the sportsground on friday night and it was a really positive controlled performance.
    Agree about the national team- just don’t know what to think about Sunday.
    The oppportunity is hter for Deccie to do what Gatland did against Scotland in 2000? 2001? and introduce a load of new fresh blood but.. well its Deccie

  18. Kocktopuss says:


    You know Deccie won’t do the right thing. Madigan will spend the week holding tackle bags before watching the match from the comfort of his own sitting room.

    There’s an outside chance of O’Donnell getting a surprise spot on the bench because he’s a Munster player and he’s put in some great performances this season.

  19. killerline says:


    I once wrote the OST to a play. A theme, variations and some incidental stuff. All the reviews of said play commented on the soundtrack being boss.

    All I asked for was a DVD of a performance of the play. No dice.

  20. crovier says:

    thanks for that Killer- seems to work!
    Though I am getting some very funny looks from Mrs Cro

  21. Kocktopuss says:

    Think I’m going to go to bed soon. The other half is watching Grand Designs and property porn like that leaves me bored and cranky.

  22. titimanionga says:

    Cro, Crash – The team announcement has me filled with dread. This is a fantastic opportunity to give lots of fresh players their head, but we just know what will happen, and it actually makes me really sad. Weary, depressed resignation.

  23. crovier says:

    I quite like Grand Designs- if only because it usually features some one with no construction experience building a house with their bare hands from eco friendly materials foraged in the local woods.
    And there’s always a happy ending….except for the recent one from Roscommon

  24. crovier says:

    Claw- what you said

  25. Kocktopuss says:


    It’s getting me increasingly angry that a trio of young 10s who’d likely have a decent haul of caps by now if they were players for several other teams are being sent a very, very strong message that mis-placed loyalty to an aged 10 is more important than their development.

    I caught a bit of Against the Head on RTE this evening and Quinlan and Sheehan were both defending ROG. That’s fair enough, he’s their mate and they owe him a lot of the medals they picked up in their career. But they were saying that ROG handles pressure better than just about anyone and that the Scotland game is tailor made for him as everyone has written him off. The England and Scarlets games were tailor made for him too but they glossed over those matches quick enough. They’re in the same boat as Kidney in that they hope ROG can still rage against the machine and pull out one or two more big performances. Quinlan at least had the honesty to admit he didn’t think ROG deserved to start, but since he was very likely to he had Quinny’s backing.

  26. Kocktopuss says:


    I seem to only ever catch episodes where people have spent many hundreds of thousands and gone way over budget and are getting pretty stressed. The other half assures me these episodes are in the minority.

  27. crovier says:

    Crash- yeah at some point the coach has to be brave enought to recognise that past performances (and they are getting to be quite a bit in the past now) do not guarantee that ROG will produce when under pressure.
    ROG has been a great servant for Ireland but its imposssible to watch him in comparison to say Madigan over the last year and argue that he is a more reliable option

  28. yosoy says:

    I caught a bit of Against the Head on RTE this evening and Quinlan and Sheehan were both defending ROG. That’s fair enough, he’s their mate and they owe him a lot of the medals they picked up in their career.

    Too many pundits who are recently retired are still too close to their ex-teammates to be impartial. Drives me potty as all we get are boring platitudes like ‘I’ve seen him do the biz over the years blah blah.’ And Sheahan should, quite frankly, not be allowed anywhere near a commentary box if his clients are taking the field (I don’t know if ROG is one of his, but I’ve heard him big up some of his clients in SKY commentaries recently). Massive conflict of interests, there.

    The England and Scarlets games were tailor made for him too but they glossed over those matches quick enough.

    Even two years ago, he’d have kicked them to within an inch of victory at the very least. He’s so far past it it’s not even very funny, and I’m not anywhere near a fan of his.

  29. Kocktopuss says:


    It’s such a shame that us arm-chair coaches are almost united in our opinions and are likely to be collectively disappointed when Deccie announces the team. There’s probably a few die-hard ‘Radge is the man’ hold-outs in isolated corners of the south. The problem is Deccie appears to be one of those.


  30. boomkingish says:

    Speaking of Aging Foreign Journeymen, Brad Thorn is keen to head back up north after his year with the Highlanders – he says they appreciate tighthead locks in Europe. He’s still only 53 and should be relatively fresh after a Super season of powder-puff rugby that will stop short of the playoffs.

  31. laraxwell says:

    Quinlan at least had the honesty to admit he didn’t think ROG deserved to start, but since he was very likely to he had Quinny’s backing.
    I missed against the head but I don’t have too much time for Sheehan anymore…he’s too involved in his capacity as an agent to give objective analysis..He can stick his MOM awards up his arse.
    Quinny is more measured but obviously affected by his long playing career with RO’G. Both have reason to be deeply grateful for all the times their outhalf bailed them out of a sticky one.
    My beef is with Declan Kidney. I don’t blame O’ Gara for not ‘walking away’. I’m sure RO’G believes he can still do it. I am desperately sorry not to see the young 10’s -especially Madigan -blooded in this kind of match. But if Kidney inevitably picks O’ Gara, I’m not going to do a ‘Dunphy’. Of course I’ll back him in a green shirt, but I fear he just doesn’t have it anymore and others, more expert than I, ought acknowledge that.

  32. laraxwell says:

    agree with all

  33. Kocktopuss says:


    Yeah there does seem to be a rush of retired players trying to get as many pundit/journo jobs as they can get. Can’t blame them for trying but the quality (in an Irish context) has ranged from the excellent and failry unbiased Shane Horgan to Quinlain in the middle (poor on tv, by and large very good articles) and the likes of Sheahan near the bottom. I imagine the trend is likely to continue. I think it’s an open secret BOD is wanted as a full-term pundit by Sky and I could see a few more Irish retirees trying to finagle jobs with RTE. And that’s just our corner of the rugby world. I imagine it’s likely to be the norm in general as guys across the world who’ve only made a living from rugby can’t/won’t walk away from the sport once they’re playing days are done.

  34. yosoy says:

    @ lara

    Aye, same here with the ongoing joke that is Derwyn Jones giving his players MotM awards on Welsh language telly.

  35. firstdifference says:

    Brad Thorn is keen to head back up north after his year with the Highlanders – he says they appreciate tighthead locks in Europe.

    After a season playing in Otago he will probably enjoy the mild weather of a northern winter.

  36. killerline says:

    BOD as a pundit. *shudders*

  37. Kocktopuss says:


    The bulk of the ire is indeed directed at Kidney. I think most of us understand why ROG is still plugging away and working for a paycheck every chance he’s given.

    Myself, yourself and Yosoy are all agreed then. Frankie needs to quietly remove himself from the scene. When he first came on RTE he was a breath of fresh air as he gave loads of in-depth analysis of scrums and front row play in general – something RTE has long lacked a specialist in. But nowadays he comes across as some sort of hybrid between a PR person and a politican; lots of bland statements and always backing his man and the analysis seems to have largely been binned.

  38. yosoy says:

    The quality of ex-players/coaches working for Welsh media is mostly poor. Only Gareth Llewellyn, Lyn Jones, Gwyn Jones and Sean Holley are good value. There are a couple of okay ones and then some real dross: as much as I loved Shanklin as a player, he is hopeless as a pundit. There are several more that are too depressing to even talk about.

    Can’t blame ’em for getting on the gravy train as it’s an easy life, but some don’t make an effort, do no research and it shows as they know the square root of cock all about players/teams/trends in the game/law changes etc.

  39. killerline says:

    @Crash not just because he has a shirt but because he knows about business and stuff and he has a tie.

  40. Kocktopuss says:


    Worse. Lately he’s been rocking the suit jacket, shirt and jeans combo.

    With the top few shirt buttons open.

    He’s like some sort of farmer out in Vegas for a week.

  41. Kocktopuss says:

    Right, that’s me done for the evening. Clocking out now, lads. Chat to ye all tomorrow.

  42. laraxwell says:

    If you can curse Kidney out of the Irish job before his contract expires I’ll fill the kitty for your get together on the 16th.
    I’m sure all my fellow non travelling Irishmen and Irishwomen would help foot the bill

  43. killerline says:

    @Crash did you miss a Futurama quote there?

    Yes. you know what this means bro.
    I won the battle of the quotes.
    All your work over the last 8 months has come to nowt.

    I like you, so I’ll not dance to celebrate…

  44. killerline says:

    @Lara Deccie’s contract appears a movable feast.

    Until I can help I need to know an extension has not already been tabled.
    I can’t believe he ‘had’ to beat England to get there…

  45. tichtheid says:

    boomkingish says:
    February 18, 2013 at 10:32 pm
    Speaking of Aging Foreign Journeymen, Brad Thorn is keen to head back up north after his year with the Highlanders – he says they appreciate tighthead locks in Europe. He’s still only 53 and should be relatively fresh after a Super season of powder-puff rugby that will stop short of the playoffs.

    Just as a ball park figure, how much would it take to sedate Thorn, get him on a plane to Edinburgh, and convince him it is a good idea when he gets there?

    I’m not a wealthy man, but I could ask around. Thorn is exactly what Edinburgh need, well Thorn of a couple of years ago, I’m, guessing he still has it.

  46. avsfan says:

    I think when Thorn said he fancied a move north, he meant to Auckland.

  47. therealbennyblanco says:

    The Highlanders will make the play offs, so Thorn won’t get to rest too soon.

  48. boomkingish says:

    The Highlanders have already lost three players to season-ending injuries, and that’s not counting wee Colin who hasn’t had his injury yet only because he’s still wrapped in cotton wool after the last one. I think attrition will see them fall a bit short, freeing up Thorn for the “Dunedin of the North” (although Avs may be right; perhaps he was only thinking as far as Oamaru. Turning out for North Otago never did Tom Wood any harm).

    But to answer Ticht’s questions:
    1. Edinburgh is awash with suitable tranquilisers at street prices far below anything that can be obtained in NZ. It’s risky, but I suggest BYO.
    2. Dunedin to Edinburgh flights: $1600 one way economy, but you’d want to protect your investment a bit better than that, so maybe $5500 for Premier Business Class (3500 euros). Plus return tickets for yourself.
    3. Out-bidding NZ franchises – not an issue. You have to out-bid Leinster.
    4. Convincing him to stay in Edinburgh – he’s a straight-up Christian gentleman so maybe get the Rev to show him around. I for one was very impressed with the Christian tolerance on display in Edinburgh and marvelled at the way gingas were able to go about their daily business in public with suffering abuse or humiliation. Brad won’t fail to notice that, being, perhaps, somewhat of the cheveux roux persuasion himself.

  49. boomkingish says:

    Also – it would probably help if you had Mrs Thorn and the four little Thornlings held hostage in Edinburgh Castle.

  50. firstdifference says:


    It’s a little worrying how quickly and thoroughly you were able to plan a kidnapping and extortion plot.

  51. avsfan says:

    I’m not sure if Edinburgh Castle would be up to it.

    What did Thorn say to one of the Leinster loosies at his first training? “I like my flankers to talk less and push more” or some such.

  52. boomkingish says:

    fd – Look, he wants to go.

    “Europe really suits my style. It’s tight, it’s physical, tighthead locks are really appreciated over there,” [Thorn] said.
    “As a guy whose played for the Broncos and Crusaders, it’s appealing because everyone has done their OE and it’s a chance for me and my family to experience some different stuff. ”

    The rest is just logistics.

  53. sunbeamtim says:

    Morning all . Paul Ackford stepping down at the Toryrgaph . Shame .

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