Kia Ora Cuzzies. Piri here. I got a text from Hask the other day: “Kaikoura Piri. Kan u rite a article 4 my website? Gotta go. Celts to DOMINATE.”
Choice ay? Me. Piri. Not Aaron, or Tawera or any of those other whipper-snappers. Hask asked me.
Anyway, Super season kicked off last weekend with them Ozzies getting in early to show how shite they are. We kick off next weekend so I thought I’d give you fullahs a low down on who to watch out for. Got some new fullahs coming through who are set to make their mark so you ought to know who they are so you won’t be too surprised when we come up your way with a few new faces in November.
First up, Charlie Piutau. One of my Tongan bros, plays full back for us at the
Hurricanes Blues. Jeez, old habits. You can never have too many Islanders in your team built like brick shit-houses who can run faster than yours truly legging it to the pie shop before closing time. Me and Rene are the only two fullahs with pretty hair left in the Hurri Blues – FFS, Piri! – from last year, so we’ll have to keep an eye on him, but I reckon he’ll be choice.
Talking of the ‘Canes, there’s Ardie Savea, Julian’s little bro. Just as fast, but plays flanker. Imagine someone who can sniff the pill like Ruchie but with a rocket strapped to his arse.
The Chiefs have been wondering how they are going to replace Money Bill, and word is they’ve got the man in Bundee Aki. Like me, he can be a bit too fond of the meat pies and Chop Suey, but once he gets his twinkle toes working he’s a hard man to get a hold of, more slippery than an eel in a pot of Puha.
With Richard “Almost As Good Looking As DC” Kahui running off him, look for the Chiefs to have the best midfield in the conference. Tst. Sigh. Big Dick Kahui’s one fullah you won’t be seeing in November. Off to Japan to cash up before his shoulder falls apart. Tragedy. Poor bugger.
The ‘Saders? There’s not too many fullahs still grow up on a farm chasing sheep all day and make it to the top ranks of rugby – most are twats who spend their lives in test tubes and academies – but Dom Bird is an exception. Big unit – 2.06m, 112 kgs – but gets around the park like a terrier and gonna be packing down in the ‘Saders’ scrum this year.
This fullah’s built so low to the ground he looks like someone from South Park and, at 19, he still only shaves once a month, but he’s gonna be playing alongside Ma’a for Jamie and the Boys in the Deep South. What he lacks in size, he makes up for in whatever it is you need to make up for a lack of size.
So anyway, gotta run. Literally. I stand in one spot too long, my arse begins to grow two sizes. It’s bath time for my new team mates, I gotta hold their rubber duckies and make sure none of them slip and drown in the tub. See you fullahs in a couple of weeks. Go Blues! Phew. Finally got it right.
As told to avs in exchange for some puha.