The View From Behind The Sofa: Immigration

Immigration001

News has reached us here at the View, that Scottish rugby may be about to sustain serious losses to the International player pool.

Sources within the Office of Births and Deaths (Scotland) have made us aware of some worrying activity in the archives. It appears that many of the Birth Certificates of parents or grandparents of current Scottish international players are vanishing.

We contacted the Office of Births and Deaths (Scotland) for confirmation and were informed by the Head of Dead People (Paperwork), Margaret McKelvinside-Nasalwhine, that there was absolutely no truth to the rumour. Despite this, we sent our intrepid reporter to the Mitchell Library in Glasgow to view the computerised database of Parish records. After literally an hour’s exhaustive research, no record of any parents or grandparents of current Scottish Internationals could be found. We think you’ll agree, this is compelling and damning evidence.

The vital evidence we found

The vital evidence we found

Adding to this mountain of evidence, a mole within BBC Scotland claims there is an unaired episode of “Who Do You Think You Are?”, featuring Richie Gray. While the conclusions of the programme are unknown, the mole has speculated that it has remained unaired because it shows that Richie Gray is, in fact, Dutch. With this new information, only a fool could fail to see the pattern developing here.

We contacted the SRU with our findings, but so far they have not got back to us, or made any public statement of any sort on the matter. It was this final piece of the jigsaw that allowed us to finally understand what was truly happening, and we think you’ll agree – it is a deeply worrying state of affairs.

Nevertheless, we felt we could not publish our findings until we had traversed every avenue of inquiry. To this end, we sent our intrepid reporter to Holyrood to demand answers from our First Minister. Despite initially being rebuffed by the First Minister’s staff, an Iced Finger, procured from Gregg’s, eventually sealed a brief audience with Mr. Salmond. A transcript of this follows:

Iced Finger: The Smoking Bun?

Iced Finger: The Smoking Bun?

The View:- Mr. Salmond, are you aware of the worrying events relating to missing Birth Certificates and Scottish International Rugby?

First Minister:- Nice Iced Finger. Thank you.

How the First Minister may have looked eating the iced finger

How the First Minister may have looked eating the Iced Finger

So there we have it, straight from the man at the top.

The only Scottish person eligible to play International Rugby for Scotland is – Tim Visser.

More soon from The View: Telling it like it is.

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About sagmog

Just the facts, man.
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623 Responses to The View From Behind The Sofa: Immigration

  1. boanova says:

    Luckily you’ll all be there to save me from a beating…

    I’ll be busy…. ordering a coffee from the bar…. and adjusting my backpack.

  2. killerline says:

    …………… …….. . ………………… .

  3. killerline says:

    ……………..heaslipsatwat…………………………………….

  4. I’ll be busy…. ordering a coffee from the bar…. and adjusting my backpack.

    Going to surreptitiously pin a badge to said backpack with my gravatar on it. Then when the Angry HASK starts asking who the Cat is, I’m going to point at the badge.

    Let him draw his own conclusions.

  5. killerline says:

    .. .

  6. daffodane says:

    On the Guardian I used to always try and get comment 606, like 606 State. Little OCD thing I had.

  7. boanova says:

    Let him draw his own conclusions.

    that’s a dangerous game you’re playing there…. he’ll get upset if you confuse him.

  8. sagmog says:

    “HOLD THE FRONT PAGE!”, he said.
    Here I am holding it.

  9. titimanionga says:

    If the HASK did show up, I would imagine a lot of people scrabbling to get over to the lurkers table(s)

  10. killerline says:

    Come on it would be IMMENSE if the Hask shows.

  11. HairBearHero says:

    I reckon Haskell would be quite fun on a pub crawl.

  12. laraxwell says:

    Bets not to linger at the meet up bar on the 16th though..move on while the squad are having their dindins. Last game of the 6N so squad will be out on a boozy…great chance for Haskell to beat meet his nemesis

  13. daffodane says:

    Panic over, it was 808 state!

  14. boanova says:

    I reckon Haskell would be quite fun on a pub crawl.

    it depends whether you enjoy supplements and talking about the gym… he and expro would be inseparable.

  15. The fuck it would. I’ve either defamed him grossly (once someone explains to him what that means), or he’ll SMASH me into the ground.

    he’ll get upset if you confuse him.

    He will, but I’m banking on the time it takes him being confused to buy me enough time to get the fuck out of there.

  16. laraxwell says:

    I never ever said anything derogatory about James. I hope he is reading and has noted this.
    I think he’s a faboulous player, person, role model etc

  17. LarryM says:

    Right, that should be with you – only two edits, removed the disclaimer at the top, and put in an extra paragraph on the Ireland section, dealing with Rog being on the bench. It’s between the paragraph ending ‘Bastards’ and the one beginning ‘Larry’.

    Ooof, I need to do some work. Feckin team announcement. Feckin Kidney! How much of my life have I spent complaining about this?

  18. LarryM says:

    I’m awaiting an edit from “the talent”.
    Fucking typical.

    Har de har – any excuse to be withering, eh?

    Right, work, seriously.

  19. Chekhovian says:

    Right, work, seriously.

    Don’t say things you don’t mean, Larry.

  20. LarryM says:

    @Chek – minor punctuation malfunction. Meant: Right… work? Seriously?

    But, seriously, work.

  21. MisterIks says:

    If the HASK and expro got together some form of slick would form and journey outward. Hungry. Searching.

  22. Baldy says:

    Right..

    Which lurker here works for premiership rugby?!

    I’ve been suspicious for a while about their random XV’s they post on fb far too close to one on here..

    But now it’s the Red Head XV and that just too close for comfort!!

    Come up with you own ideas AP man /woman/social media bot..

    Ps I love the fact I can watch all the games for free on your website iplayer style thing, keep that up!!

Comments are closed.