News has reached us here at the View, that Scottish rugby may be about to sustain serious losses to the International player pool.
Sources within the Office of Births and Deaths (Scotland) have made us aware of some worrying activity in the archives. It appears that many of the Birth Certificates of parents or grandparents of current Scottish international players are vanishing.
We contacted the Office of Births and Deaths (Scotland) for confirmation and were informed by the Head of Dead People (Paperwork), Margaret McKelvinside-Nasalwhine, that there was absolutely no truth to the rumour. Despite this, we sent our intrepid reporter to the Mitchell Library in Glasgow to view the computerised database of Parish records. After literally an hour’s exhaustive research, no record of any parents or grandparents of current Scottish Internationals could be found. We think you’ll agree, this is compelling and damning evidence.
Adding to this mountain of evidence, a mole within BBC Scotland claims there is an unaired episode of “Who Do You Think You Are?”, featuring Richie Gray. While the conclusions of the programme are unknown, the mole has speculated that it has remained unaired because it shows that Richie Gray is, in fact, Dutch. With this new information, only a fool could fail to see the pattern developing here.
We contacted the SRU with our findings, but so far they have not got back to us, or made any public statement of any sort on the matter. It was this final piece of the jigsaw that allowed us to finally understand what was truly happening, and we think you’ll agree – it is a deeply worrying state of affairs.
Nevertheless, we felt we could not publish our findings until we had traversed every avenue of inquiry. To this end, we sent our intrepid reporter to Holyrood to demand answers from our First Minister. Despite initially being rebuffed by the First Minister’s staff, an Iced Finger, procured from Gregg’s, eventually sealed a brief audience with Mr. Salmond. A transcript of this follows:
The View:- Mr. Salmond, are you aware of the worrying events relating to missing Birth Certificates and Scottish International Rugby?
First Minister:- Nice Iced Finger. Thank you.
So there we have it, straight from the man at the top.
The only Scottish person eligible to play International Rugby for Scotland is – Tim Visser.
More soon from The View: Telling it like it is.