View from a Suncorp Stadium turnstile – Part I

stadium-map

In this first of a two-part exclusive, someone very well placed to offer an insider’s view of the Australian Super 15 teams’ chances in the 2013 competition wipes the XXXX suds off his top lip and unleashes his wisom

Yeah, it’s Ern here. Short for Ernie. The last bugger to call me Ernest’s still looking for his teeth.

toothlessI’ve been on the turnstile here at Suncorp Stadium – home of the Mighty Reds – since before it was Suncorp Stadium, when it was good old Lang Park, when a name on a footy ground meant something, when a footy ground wasn’t just a bloody big advertising sign. [Editor’s note: six paragraphs of reactionary nostalgia deleted]

Anyrate, on account of most of you live closer to the North Pole than this sun-blessed [Editor’s note: two paragraphs of Brisbane tourism propaganda deleted after it was discovered Tourism Queensland had slipped the author a carton of XXXX] city, I reckoned you’d be interested in my thoughts on this season’s Australian Super Rugby teams in case you were thinking of investing a quid on a game or two, like. And if you’re not interested, stiff cheddar.

‘Course there’s only one team that matters. My mighty Reds. Now I don’t care what Big Kev Horwill says, it’s the backs that win matches. All forwards do is show up and eat everybody’s food. Half the buggers can’t even fit through my turnstile. Just look at 2011. Our scrum was going backwards the whole time but Quadey and Sanchez took the team the whole way.

quadewillSo Sanchez’s out for the first few rounds. That’s a bit of a loss. And who knows how he’ll be when he comes back? But we’ve got decent back-up with Benny Lucas at 9, plus Quadey’ll be there to hold his hand, show him the ropes, like. Plus if something goes wrong for Benny, my mate Quadey’ll take all the stick from the haters. Bastards they are.

Now the outside backs should be better than 2011. Hopefully at some point in the season we’ll have a backline of Sanchez, Quadey, Diggers, Taps, Ant Fainga’a, Shipperly and Morahan. Ant’s a great defender but there’s a reason Quadey developed such a great cut-out pass. So he could get the ball around Ant. The rest of the backline’s known quality, even if Diggers is getting a bit funny in the head.

digby-ioane-2011-4-16-8-10-56He’s been used as a battering ram by Dingo Deans once too often.

The forwards? Well, they’re an average bloody story. We lost Higgers to the Rebels. I’d’ve given them girlie Rob Simmons plus his cab fare to the airport. Higgers isn’t up to much at international level but he’s still the best 6 in the country. So that’s a blow. Even if his name makes him sound like a Pom. Still, if the Poms can have blokes called Tuilagi and Corbisiero, we can have one called Higginbotham. Anyrate, between Big Kev and Liam Gill there might be enough quality in the pack to help get us to top of the Australian conference. But, if I’m honest with myself, and there’s nothing like a schooner of XXXX to open the honesty floodgates, we probably won’t win the whole thing.

My tip: 1st in the Australian conference (3rd overall)

Now the Brumbies. Reckon they’re our main rivals for the conference. Their backline looks pretty good so they should do all right. Good pair of halves in Nic White and Christian Lealiifano.

christianYou blokes won’t know a lot about Lealiifano. Talented fella. Busted a leg last year or he could’ve turned up in a Wallaby jersey. They’ve got a lot of options in the centres with Georgie’s little brother Tyrone Smith, McCabe – when he’s fit again – and Kuridrani. They’ve also got a dangerous pair of wingers in Joe Tomane and Henry Speight not to forget Clyde Rathbone making the mother of all comebacks. Fullback could be dodgy. Jesse Mogg started well last year but dropped away. If he can be a bit more consistent they could be pretty dangerous. Plus Robbie Coleman can play fullback a bit as well.

Now it’s all Jake White’s fault that the Brumbies’ pack is pretty bloody good. You can take the bloke out of Bokland, you can’t take Bokland out of the bloke. Dingo Deans wouldn’t know it – what does he know? – but they’ve got Australia’s best scrummaging tighthead in Dan Palmer.

palmerHe’s nicking off to France at the end of the S15 season. To improve his scrummaging, he reckons. ‘Cept he’s going to Grenoble. Typical brainless prop. Anyrate, along with Moore and Alexander that’s a decent front row that’s good around the park too. They’re a bit light in the locks but they’ve got more backrow options than you could poke a Chiko Roll at – Pocock, Mowen, Kimlin, Fardy and Colby Faiinga’a. They lost Michael Hooper to the Tahs but how bad a replacement is Bam Bam?

I reckon they’re stronger than last year, ought to finish in the same spot in the conference, but could make the finals.

My tip: 2nd in Australian conference (6th overall)

The fact that the Brumbies rolled us first up last weekend absolutely in no way at all undermines my unshakable belief in my tips and forecasts. They done good, we were rusty.

See you later for a rundown on the other Australian teams – the Tahs, the Rebels and that mob that ought to be cut adrift and let float off into the Indian Ocean.

Anyrate, that’s it for now. My throat’s drier than a dead dingo’s donger.

transcribed by first difference from a message in a XXXX bottle found floating in the Hudson River

 

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714 Responses to View from a Suncorp Stadium turnstile – Part I

  1. I’d like to see Wade and A.N Other in for Brown and Ginsters though.

    ‘sdefinitely expro.

    I could lose Brown for a proper wing without losing sleep, but I’d still keep Ginsters. What have you got against him? He’s reasonably quick, scores for fun (sometimes with some flair), and is probably the best English option at 14 at the moment.

  2. Craigsman says:

    Re IKEA – A male friend visited recently and got everything done in under 30 mins. This included choosing from the rooms at the top and then getting furniture in the self serve bit in the end. I think he may have used magic.

  3. Hate it when people do that. Was on way out of the door and given work.

    Pah.

  4. boanova says:

    I could lose Brown for a proper wing without losing sleep

    Feck sake, statistically, in terms of meters made with ball in hand and defenders beaten, how far ahead of all the other wingers in the championship does he have to be before people stop wanting to lose him for a proper winger? Unfortunately when it came to taking the scoring pass for the try he’s deserved for being England’s best back since November, Parling got in his way.

  5. Dunno, we always seemed to escape the attention of the mods as we were largely self-policing at the Graun.

    Agreed but some of the stuff posted today seems more than a tad misogynistic to me, a bit nastier than it needs to be towards the opposite sex?

    Perhaps it’s just me.

  6. Dunno. I just irrationally dislike him.

  7. MichaelVaughanMyLord says:

    TLS may join ‘Capping a majestic year for me personally’ as one of the catchphrases of the blog. Special prize goes to the first person to use both in a sentence.

  8. Greysuit says:

    @Cat

    Little help for a novice here please? Whereabouts can I find examples of the HMTL to put quotes in italics, insert pictures into posts etc? Thanks in advance.

  9. LarryM says:

    “…and, as the countdown started and the pipers warmed up, I XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX, finishing an epic TLS tussle with a glorious winner, CAMYFMP”

    Something horrific like that?

  10. expro says:

    but I’d still keep Ginsters. What have you got against him?

    he’s fat and cocky. I hate the diving thing. Campo (Immortal God of Wingers) never did that.

  11. boanova says:

    @ Greysuit.

    Below and to the left of the Hask’s right hand GUN™ (blessed be it)…

  12. Campo (Immortal God of Wingers) never did that.

    No, he’s got a whole litany of twattish behaviour. Ginsters is miles behind.

  13. expro says:

    ” Feck sake, statistically, in terms of meters made with ball in hand and defenders beaten, how far ahead of all the other wingers in the championship does he have to be before people stop wanting to lose him for a proper winger?”

    Well – there were several occasions where he got great front foot ball in space where a propoer winger would have gained more ground and beaten more defenders.

  14. MichaelVaughanMyLord says:

    “Unfortunately when it came to taking the scoring pass for the try he’s deserved for being England’s best back since November, Parling got in his way.”

    And DCB farked another one up.

    Cat you just dislike him as you’ve been assimilated.

    Brown is definitely a ‘proper’ 15 though. Some of his performances in wet conditions this season have been faultless.

  15. sagmog says:

    Perhaps it’s just me.

    It’s not just you.
    When things went in this direction on the Graun, Rachel could be relied upon to provide a good shaming.
    She’s taking her sweet time today.

  16. Like Boa I’m not sure why people seem to have it in for Brown? He’s been class since being pushed out to the LW and I for one am quite happy to keep him there.

    There was talk a while back that he’s a bit of an arsehole personality wise (JB used to slag him regularly for this on the Graun blogs) but I’m not sure there’s much truth in that? I doubt he’d fit into the Lancaster England model if he was that much of a twat?

    And he’s made no complaints about being pushed out to the wing, just got on and performed well there in every game.

    It’s taken me a while to warm to him if truth be told but I can’t think of anyone else I’d prefer to see starting in the 11 shirt currently? It’d be nice to have the likes of Jonny May getting some sub experience on the bench though. (Or Wade, although he is pre-dominantly a right wing.)

  17. raceofstalwarts says:

    Sorry for the lack of posting guys and gals. Just about keeping up with the reading but very busy at work and not got internet in my new house for another week. Still definitely on for the 16th March. what sort of number are we looking at?

    Morrisons had amazing offers on champagne for mine, Killers and Meads breakfast on the train down to London.

  18. MichaelVaughanMyLord says:

    Campo wrote a ‘tongue-in-cheek’ article in the Times on Saturday on why he hates the English. It was borderline xenophobic. Complete f-wit.

  19. Dovahkin says:

    No, campo cheated, purposely in a world cup final (fine) then proceeded to gloat about it for years later (not fine)

    the diving thing is done by a lot of people and goes on witout comment.

    However, he is a knob coz he left Saints

    He’s not fat either and expro has an unhealthy obsesion with BMI

  20. Greysuit says:

    With thanks to Cat & Boanova, and inspired by Crash, I give you my masterpiece:

  21. HairBearHero says:

    “and on the stroke of midnight I……serious monkfish………game gethsemane……..assimilated her…….ended in a TLS, capping a magnificent year for me personally!”

  22. Kocktopuss says:

    @greysuit

    Second laugh-out-loud-in-the-office outbreak today!

  23. When things went in this direction on the Graun, Rachel could be relied upon to provide a good shaming.
    She’s taking her sweet time today.

    I am surprised that some of our lady regulars haven’t popped up to give him a virtual slap actually. It’d be deserved. And entertaining.

  24. Kocktopuss says:

    It’s not just you.
    When things went in this direction on the Graun, Rachel could be relied upon to provide a good shaming.
    She’s taking her sweet time today.

    *Waits for someone to kick down the misogynistic comment door that Sag left ajar there*

  25. Haven’t seen the bulldog or Thaum in a bit.

    Suspect Rachel is getting over AFJ moving to France.

  26. MichaelVaughanMyLord says:

    HBH – magnificent stuff. Capping a majestic blog for you personally.

  27. Kocktopuss says:

    @wreck

    Maybe his Expro Magic™ works through computers too and he’s charmed them all…?

  28. HairBearHero says:

    Urgh, Spotify adverts are offering me the opportunity to win a competition to share the stage with Ne-Yo.

    Magnificent free depository of tonnes of music though Spotify is, I’m listening to The Bloody Beetroots. Why does it think Ne-Yo is a good targeted ad?

  29. Karl1976 says:

    HBH – was no sash window involved in this escapade?

  30. The thing about Ashton is, he’s just simply not very bright.

    If you look at the shit he gets in trouble for, none of it is the sign of someone with great intelligence.

    I like the dive anyway. So there.

  31. Kocktopuss says:

    @HBH

    ‘ooo are you to rezizt it, eh?!

  32. Chekhovian says:

    I see this place as an opportunity to gab on about rugby and other miscellaneous shit with other (reasonably) like-minded people. Not as a place to boast (lie?) about squat thrusts, reps, and “TLS”. I’m genuinely not interested in how much sex some lonely, keyboard warriors wants to tell me he’s apparently getting. Especially when they can’t respond to a simple question about a Sean Lamont try.

    So, careful now, basically. Down with this sort of thing.

  33. they can’t respond to a simple question about a Sean Lamont try.

    ‘sgot rarity value and everything. So shouldn’t be hard to find on youtube.

    Hehehehehehe

  34. Kocktopuss says:

    @Chek

    I find myself in the unusual position of defending our resident sex pest. I think Expro was just playing to the gallery today and embracing the persona of him we’ve built in his absence.

    But as regards the Slamont try – he’s on his own there.

  35. @Chek,

    Especially when they can’t respond to a simple question about a Sean Lamont try.

    But that’s very expro like. Make a sweeping statement which is absolutely a load of bollocks and demonstrably so, get found out, and then proceed to ignore any request for clarification or proof.

    Just pretend the comment never happened.

    Must be expro in that case.

  36. LarryM says:

    @Crashpuss – agreed, there was definitely some dancing to the audience’s beat going on.

  37. expro says:

    ” Especially when they can’t respond to a simple question about a Sean Lamont try.”

    I didn’t think the ball was out, and I was getting mighty sick of the Scottish midfield being offside anyway.

    I may be wrong about the former though. But if the roles were reversed that dipshit Peyper would have probably carded the Italian.

  38. Right.

    Fuck this.

    No desire at all to spend my valuable day typing stupid dates into the stupid work website because my useless assistant forgot to do it and has no fecked off to Germany.

    Going to be murders when he gets back.

  39. I didn’t think the ball was out, and I was getting mighty sick of the Scottish midfield being offside anyway

    You are wrong about the former. I’ll go and find it for you.

  40. OnlyoneT says:

    Lancaster has had a good look at Wade and May recently, but hasn’t revisited them so obviously wants to see a little more otherwise i’m sure they’d be in, especially as May covers about 4 positions from the bench. So Brown and Ginsters it is, i have no problem with either.

    May seems to have a touch of the Simpson Daniels in that he starts putting in a run of performances he seems to break. Why are they made out of biscuits down there?

  41. boanova says:

    But if the roles were reversed that dipshit Peyper would have probably carded the Italian.

    That’s up there with Wyles not being picked over Ashton because he’s American… bravo, and thus capping a majestic day for you personally.

  42. yosoy says:

    I agree with Kocktopuss.

    Now, if someone knows of a Total Recall style ‘Rekall’ place I can get today’s memories wiped, I’d be ever so grateful.

  43. Maybe his Expro Magic™ works through computers too and he’s charmed them all…?

    @Crash,

    If anyone could make things “work through computers” and I were expro, I’d be very worried.

    Just to be on the safe side expro I’d make sure you’re wearing your box before approaching the keyboard.

  44. Here you go.

    Don’t say I never do anything for you:

  45. expro says:

    Ah, Peyper was a throwback to the days when the Italians would be penalised at every other breakdown, simply because the referee assumed they don’t know how to play the game, or are cheats.

    He was a classic homer favouring the team who shared his langage.

  46. expro says:

    I can’t watch the video – it isn’t available in this country. I’ll take your word for it though.

  47. killerline says:

    @Larry

    Know of the Limelight?

  48. boanova says:

    May seems to have a touch of the Simpson Daniels in that he starts putting in a run of performances he seems to break.

    He got made to look a little silly by Wade at the weekend. I likle England’s back 3 at the moment, but I would like to see Wade in the near future, I can’t think of that many wingers around that are better one on one, he’s got ridiculously good footwork.

  49. Dunno about that. Alcohol fogged memory.

    I don’t remember him being particularly bad. Not Rolland bad anyway.

  50. Chekhovian says:

    Thanks for the response, expro. Good to know you’re full of shit on a number of different topics. Consistency.

  51. LarryM says:

    @killer – yes, it’s very close to my work, therefore I am very close to said place right now.

    Why do you ask?

  52. Well, it’s very shitty breakdown play for the italians. Lamont could step over the top and it wasn’t being properly attended at the back. I’ve seen the pulled back before, but if I’d done what Lamont did and been called, then I’d have felt aggrieved.

    Shocking Italian play, basically.

  53. May seems to have a touch of the Simpson Daniels in that he starts putting in a run of performances he seems to break. Why are they made out of biscuits down there?

    Seems true of several Glaws lads. Sharples and Trinder seem to break regular as well.

    Tindall obviously being the exception that proves the rule. He’d never break even when we wanted him too.

  54. Chekhovian says:

    Shocking Italian play, basically.

    This. Not that expro will admit it.

  55. LarryM says:

    I was getting mighty sick of the Scottish midfield being offside anyway.

    Is this like the way Ireland are massive cheats at the breakdown, unlike anything anyone’s ever seen before?

  56. I also wonder if Italian heads didn’t go down after Hogg’s try on the interception. That was basically a 14 point switch there.

    Good interception, mind.

  57. … and hasn’t Jimmy Cowan now been broken for the rest of the season?

    Must be something in the water in the west country?

  58. boanova says:

    Sharples and Trinder seem to break regular as well.

    Speaking of Trinder, I noticed he was sporting a good beard at the weekend (i didn’t recognise him at first). Good man, there aren’t enough backs with beards.

  59. killerline says:

    @Larry

    I ask because a band I like are playing there. Is it a metal dive of some description?

Comments are closed.