The Secret Diary of James Haskell (IQ 25 1/2). February 22nd, 2013

What have you done, James? What have you done...

“What have you done, James? What have you   done …?”

Sometimes I just DOMINATE too hard. This was clearly the case in Dublin, where I thought I’d show some hitherto unsuspected co-ordination to go with my muscular glory. We were easily winning anyway, through the cunning tactic of “let Ireland have the ball until they fuck it up”, so I though I’d cement my place in the side for the foreseeable with a bit of deft footwork; some rapier-like skill to match the sheer DOMINATION we were laying down. Sadly, the ref didn’t see it like that, and sent me off to DOMINATE the naughty step for 10 minutes.

It was horrible. Horrible. As I told the journalists, my whole life flashed in front of my eyes. I was being DOMINATED by a little dipshit with a whistle and a coloured card.

And what a life. From recent triumphs in a white shirt, through terrorising animals by DOMINATING them with a shotgun in Kiwiland, the raw fish debacle in Japan and my early glory days, everything was wonderful. Or was it…

You see, I may be a battle hardened warrior with GUNS of steel and a forehead that can stop a bullet, but it wasn’t always this way. I have, and not many people know this, Douchephobia, which is a debilitating fear of Tennis coaches. Not only is tennis barely a sport (and if it is one, it’s only for young nymphets or middle-aged MILTDBTS (Mothers I’d like to DOMINATE between the sheets), not for REAL MEN), but I’m permanently scarred by them.

The other horrible memory, although the world needs to thank Miles St. John Smythe for this, was back when a young HASK first tasted domination. Picture, this, me, THE MIGHTY HASK, DOMINATOR OF CELTS, DESTROYER OF ITALIAN DREAMS, standing there in my short trousers on my first day in school. In front of me is the largest, meanest, boy I’ve ever seen.

He looks down upon me, and snarls, well, I can’t remember what exactly, but I think it went along these lines: “Remove yourself from my presence, oik, lest I smite down upon you with furious vengeance”.

For the first time, I was struck dumb. Who was this Goliath, and how could I be just like him?

Then he introduced me to WORLD CLASS BANTER™ by flushing my head down the toilet.

This was the first day that I ever ventured into the weights room. In future, I would not be the DOMINATED. No, I would overcompensate by DOMINATING twice as hard and twice as long as Silvio Berlusconi on a Viagra binge. Madame Whiplash would have nothing on me.

And so it came to pass…

Nevertheless, I do sometimes still wake up in the middle of the night glistening with a cold sweat, with the smell of stale urine in my nostrils and the feel of a mighty hand wrapped around my most sensitive areas.

That’s what I get for taking supplements before bedtime.

On the weekend, hopefully I’ll be starting again, but it’s the bloody French who are madder than a box of purple giraffes so who knows what they’ll do.

One thing, though, while I hold no fear of the French, I do not ever want to be reliving that moment again, as THE HASK fears only his own weakness (bought home to me due to the utter DOMINATION I’ve received from a virus. A fucking virus! It’s not even got a backbone for me to snap), and so I promise to behave on the pitch this time. Once my temperature goes down and I come off the bench.



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593 Responses to The Secret Diary of James Haskell (IQ 25 1/2). February 22nd, 2013

  1. donchuffo says:

    Guardian journos all gone into extraordinary meeting – essentially they are on strike for next hour. I might have to go into our CMS* and DOMINATE Guardian home page.

    * content management system for normal people….

  2. killerline says:


    The December album produced by Devin Townsend?

    Impressive metal geekism as usual.

  3. titimanionga says:


    It’s all about nesting, isn’t it?

  4. killerline says:

    How you tell an on strike Guardian journo from a non-on strike one?

    It’s something to do with lattes right?

  5. Karl1976 says:

    That’s a strange way to describe a normal Friday afternoon pub visit Christian.

  6. raceofstalwarts says:

    I actually meant Lament Configuration as in a gateway to hell. It made a witty response to your beans comment. HOWEVER i bloody loved that album. One of my favourite of the year and stirs me in ways few bands do even now. Production was excellent.

  7. @christian.

    Doesn’t everyone know what a cms is?

    Go for it. Marquee tags are your friend.

  8. @RoS

    Don’t worry I got it

    Hellraiser and whatnot

  9. boanova says:

    This is starting to look like a majestic day for you personally, Baldy.

    As you were Titi, nothing to see here, just two bald men fighting over a comb.

  10. Baldy says:

    expro –

    so he put on one stone of lean muscle and no fat while being unable to run or lift with his legs – so just in the upper body, despite legs being where the most muscle mass is? wow.

    Your such a fucking idiot!! Jesus! I was trying to be nice & back down!

    Just accept the fact you were being a fucking idot about 2 weeks vs a long lay off, admit it, and piss off. but no you want the smack down..

    we’ve always doubted most of what you say, i’m starting to think the whole cycling thing is made up too – no ex-pro athlete could be this stupid.

    Do you really think that when a player, say lawes, has a knee injury he goes from unable to walk to available for selection?

    So yeah, in all the time he was injured (ie unavailable for selection), there was no time he was able to use his legs. HA!! fuck me it helps to have some clue about sports when you do a sports science course, not a prerequisite, but it helps.

    When you are injured, you do rehab before you are available for selection. During the period of rehab, one of the major aims is to return the player in a condition where he will not get injured again, and will only need to pick up “match fitness”.

    So, before they are available for selection, they will have been working one-on-one, every single day, with a team of physios and conditioning guys, and nutritionists, to get to the point they are not only as strong as they were before (remember, injure during a season = not at peak condition) but stronger, fitter, faster. Physio will also try to identify physiological & bio-mechanical problems which may be behind niggles and work on those (ie one repetative spasm in a back muscle can cause more weight through one hip, more pressure on the knee…)

    During this period of rehab, no rugby = extra training.

    I know about pre season training – it’s when players manage to bulk up very quickly AND run around a lot without burning any of it off. It’s also the best time to be juicing.


    You can tell you know fuck all about rugby, if you’ve ever played you know why you can build up fitness levels and strength during preseason. As we keep telling you, playing rugby is like a car crash on a weekly basis. Pre-season is tailored specifically to avoid that.

    You do realise that aerobic fitness isnt actually that useful in rugby dont you? Its not a continuous aerobic activity.

    You do know they dont train for extensive aerobic activity?

    You havent got a fucking clue have you…

    Go home you dick

    If you think some players aren’t on the juice you’re kidding yourself.

    Of course players are juicing, they get caught.

    Your still a fucking idiot though

  11. Karl1976 says:

    The way it has worked in other sports is that once a minority start using this soon becomes more than a minority as players see the increased strength and recovery of those who are using. Cynical coaches also wonder about getting a squad onto am enhanced supplements program, then that squad absolutely DOMINATE another team, who suspect what might be going on, and then some will ask for something similar. It’s a domino effect.

    Which other sports? There’s only one that could be considered to have had a period of ‘institutionalised doping’ (aside from national programmes in the DDR etc) and that is cycling.

    I reckon Cockerill is a complete synt on many things. I’m also certain that he knows that a long-term career in sport in the UK is going to be one where he isn’t part of a club-wide doping program, facilitating it, turning a blind eye to it, or any such thing. I reckon you could probably say that for all pro coaches in rugby in the UK as well.

  12. Baldy says:

    Of course players are juicing, they get caught.

    some of them get caught i meant, makes it pretty obvious there are more doping, as in any pro sport.

    The question is whether it is endemic at the top level, as opposed to lower levels, where i have no doubt it is more widely spread.

  13. titimanionga says:

    Baldy juiced up on Furybix is an awesome sight

  14. Karl1976 says:

    I note you still haven’t referenced your tantamount-to-libel comment regarding Wiggins you made a while back either. Plus ca change.

    I think baldy has the bulk of the fish; I have a few; the barrel is almost empty.

  15. raceofstalwarts says:

    I think Baldy is juicing and this is an explosion of roidrage. This also explains the baldness. Expro is skinny and gets muscle envy at the gym – normally repressed in everyday life but expresed online via his pathelogical hatred of drugs cheats in cycling.

  16. thaumaturge says:

    GO FOR IT, Christian! I for one am poised with my finger on the refresh button.

    Except hurry up, because I’m off to the pub in a few minutes.

  17. donchuffo says:

    It looks like they may be voting on whether to take strike action over compulsory redundancies. God knows what will happen then, maybe get me to write the six nations coverage. What is there’s a picket line? Ethical dilemma alert!

  18. thaumaturge says:

    @Christian – You can lose the Oscars and X Factor shite for a start.

    Crossing picket line = bad.

  19. Baldy says:

    I do wonder if my baldness & personality traits may be related to an unusually high level of testosterone, it would explain a fair amount…

    … obviously expros answer to this would be i am juicing, but id need one hell of a supply and i aint got lance armstrongs finances..

  20. crashtopuss says:


    This is possibly the first time I’ve thought that Baldy is probably right.

    That ‘probably’ in there is positively lovely.


    You’ve been honing your insurgency skills here and now you have a chance to strike when the rest of the Graun staff are all bunking off. You know what you have to do.

  21. boanova says:

    God knows what will happen then, maybe get me to write the six nations coverage.

    I would have been interested to see a preview of the championship, if your Bru picks are anything to go by….

  22. Fuck!

    Can you let them know that I will write it up for tickets and beer money?

  23. raceofstalwarts says:

    THaum – the xfactor live blog was brilliant. full to the brim of people who hated the xfactor, most of whom where there because their partners had comandeered the TV on a saturday and they were trying to make it bearable.

  24. We haven’t had a PED row in a bit. This ones a cracker.

    Full blown flame war.

    Any of that popcorn left?

  25. donchuffo says:

    @thaumaturge – agreed. But every other part of the business has had to except redundancies, and it times of plunging circulation the pain should be shared I feel. As you say, how many showbiz bloggers do we need?

  26. I’ll cross it.

    Am marketing whore with no scruples.

    Seriously, tickets and beer money. I even promise to keep the nob jokes to a minimum

  27. donchuffo says:

    No, knob jokes (or even nob jokes) are compulsory

  28. crashtopuss says:

    I even promise to keep the nob jokes to a minimum

    That’s most of your audience here lost before you’ve even fired a shot.

  29. expro says:


    are you on the roids yourself? I gather an unpleasant temper, foul language etc are well known side effects.

    It’s worrying that you can get so worked up on a discussion with a total stranger on the web, to be honest. You have never met me, you don’t know me – and yet you claim I am a ” dickhead” etc simply on the basis that I have a different view on human nature and cheating than you. Classy.

    My point is simple – any sports where doping would offer an advantage will have people taking dope. When testing is lax this will be widespread – even when testing is more frequent there are ways around this.

    Rugby is known for infrequently taking (only) urine samples and con centrating more on harmless recreationals. when HGH is the drug of choice in modern sport (that’s why the NFL players union doesn’t want testing for it), also using oral T that is flushed out real fast. HGH is only detectable for 24 hrs after injecting – and players who are injured are apparently off the testing roster, In any case we know that players are tested only a few times per season, so the risk/reward is very favourable considering the financial incentive – especially for an injured player who needs a faster recovery to get back on the pitch and safeguard his income.

  30. thaumaturge says:

    @Christian – oh – you mean the eds are voting on whether the eds strike? Assumed you were all in the same union and was wondering why the eds were voting separately, from some lofty cloud, on whether a strike should go ahead.

    Problem as I see it is that proper journos are getting fired and eejits and management consultants (obv not a mutually exclusive group) are being hired instead. Oh, and crap web developers, naturellement.

  31. He’s preempted that expro.

  32. thaumaturge says:

    @RoS – I was unlucky enough to see about 5 minutes (felt like 5 hours) of the X Factor once. Unmitigated, steaming pile of shite surpassed only by nesting.

  33. OnlyoneT says:

    @Karl – did someone mention fish in a barrel

  34. boanova says:

    You have never met me, you don’t know me – and yet you claim I am a ” dickhead” etc simply on the basis that I have a different view on human nature and cheating than you.

    well, and all the other stuff….

  35. brookter says:

    Expro said…

    The frequency of training for rugby players is often dictated by injuries and fatigue during the season with no more than two weight training sessions per week being realistic. As such a whole body, or half body split can often make the most sense at this time. During the pre-season when power and speed is a priority the rugby player’s training split could allow for up to three weight training sessions a week. [….] Although this can vary greatly between athletes, typical examples include training upper and lower body twice weekly, whole body training three times a week, push-pull splits and so on.

    Well I think you’re all being very mean to expro. He goes to the trouble of copying and pasting whole paragraphs of an article from a REAL website and everything, and all you can do is doubt him. (subheading Frequency, about half way down the page).

    I trust you’re suitably ashamed of yourselves…. What must Reggie Johal of think?

  36. boanova says:

    Unmitigated, steaming pile of shite surpassed only by nesting.

    and Wales.

  37. @thaum

    Were it me pulling the trigger, I would be looking at everyone involved in the comment system change fiasco

    Not only because the new one isn’t fit for purpose but because of the extraordinarily bad comms

  38. thaumaturge says:

    Suspect that horse-racing has the highest incidence of doping. But perhaps that is because I’ve read too many Dick Francis novels. (Yes, I know.)

  39. expro says:

    your tantamount-to-libel comment regarding Wiggins you made a while back either. Plus ca change

    The Belgian doctor who helped the Rabo riders shoot up EPO and evade testing positive is now under criminal investigation in Belgium. He’s the one that arrived at Sky right around the time they started winning everything, and was hastily fired

    I also call Wiggins out on losing a lot of body mass to supposedly become a climber – yet at the same time becoming the dominant time trial rider in the sport.

  40. boanova says:

    Brookter – Roasted.

  41. expro says:


    I never claimed not to be copying and pasting – i thought it was so obvious I couldn’t be arsed to say so.

  42. flaviafamkesandwich says:

    just popped in to say hi…..hi

    and my picks are to coincide with my handicap accum bet:

    Wales by 9 (Wales -8pts evs)
    Scotland by 1(Ireland -2pts evs)
    England by 6(France +7pts evs)

    Oh and one final thing:


    if you are still about…..I was buttering my scone this morning, and what make of butter was in the fridge?

    you guessed it Champion…..I wonder would Flavia do one of those…ahem…tangos in lovely Sligo

  43. thaumaturge says:

    @brookter – well done, son!

    @boanova – I considered adding something of the sort, but Wales was not my target. Too cruel these days.

  44. brookter says:


    No, no, I understand. The post would be much more convincing coming from you; best not to confuse matters by quoting your sources.

  45. flaviafamkesandwich says:

    Detective Inspector Brookter to you

  46. wansteadimp says:

    Expro – are you on the roids yourself? I gather an unpleasant temper, foul language etc are well known side effects.

    So you’re saying the whole of the East End is on PEDS?

  47. thaumaturge says:

    Off to pub. Prob back later for Ulster match. V disappointed in Christian as G home page has not changed. Wimp.

  48. titimanionga says:

    I think that’s a zing for DI Brookter.

    kjh – you best use it up before you go for a few scoops and come back from the boozer with notions on ya

  49. donchuffo says:

    @ thaumaturge

    my colleague (whos also my partner, so no hiding place at home) threatened all sorts of consequences if I did

  50. GunsofNetheravon says:

    Assuming it’s OK to ignore picket lines and PEDS and return to the thorny subject of Courtney in the back row, wouldn’t Launchbury be better there with Lawes at lock? Maybe SL will have them alternating in attack / defence.

    At least he can change them around if it isn’t working out I suppose.

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