The Tackle Missed Around The World


A dimly lit office, smoke pouring from a slight crack in the window. Earling Carothers “Farrell” Garrison sat back in his chair and adjusted his hat.

News that England had conceded a try had naturally brought in the country’s defensive analysis expert to ponder the evidence and settle on a culprit. England do precious little but work on positioning, line-speed. Then a Frenchman thrusts through the thing like a pneumatic drill through some white napkins.

“Let justice be done, though the heavens fall”, Farrell murmered to himself. His motto. Borrowed from Julius Caesar’s father-in-law, the first known rugby defensive analysis expert.

Pushing the game photographs – taken from a dozen angles – around on his desk, Farrell drew out a sheet of paper and, like a good detective, wrote down the theories behind the defensive breach starting with the most likely:

  1. Quantum diffusion theory. This concept hinges on the possibility that Fofana is not a standard human, made up of the usual clog of hydrocarbons, but instead a superbeing made out of a quasi-material. Atomic Francium held together by a special boson glue. As such, on contact with organic matter, Fofana’s form can diffuse along the covalent pathways of the would-be tackler and reconstruct on the other side.

    It could work

    It could work

  1. Lawes’ fault. It was always a risk throwing a lock in to play blindside flanker and some believe Lawes’ several missed tackles in the first half of the game show that he didn’t settle in the role quickly.

    If he can miss Keith Earls....

    If he can miss Keith Earls….

  1. Ashton. History’s greatest monster. Commonly held responsible for crimes as disparate as World War Two and stuff costing more than it used to. Also a man parodied on rugby blogs in a northerner mock-up so hackneyed this reporter nearly kicked his whippet. Ashton has never been an A1 defender and his body position was wrong. He was half-interested in Fall.

    Pure Evil

    Pure Evil

  1. The third tackler theory. Ben Youngs. Usually a fabulous cover-tackler and yet made a meal of stopping WF in this instance. Did England ‘throw’ the tackle like a cricketer dotting a cold delivery? Is Youngs a gambling syndicate genius, cleverly disguised as an idiot?

    Not actually a moron?

    Not actually a moron?

  1. The magic line theory. The last theory suggests that the line Fofana ran was undefendable. The tackle unmakeable. Farrell ran simulations to try to ascertain the amount of randomly positioned tacklers that would be necessary to halt the Frenchman’s progress. The results were shocking: on average 46.2 Englishmen positioned in statistically likely game positions were needed.

    The Answer?

    The Answer?

Farrell swirled his desk-drawer whiskey. Maybe the case really was unsolvable. Maybe, for the first time ever, failure was climbing the dusty stairs to knock on his door.

Troubled, he drained the whiskey, and brooded. How could it come to this? A career and reputation as the country’s defensive analysis expert threatened by a Frenchman re-named by Eddie Butler.

Farrell sighed. There was nothing else for it. He turned to his laptop.

He had to consult The Real Experts.

©2013 Raymond Killer

About sagmog

Just the facts, man.
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625 Responses to The Tackle Missed Around The World

  1. LarryM says:

    @baldy – WP, Natal and the Blue Bulls are all pretty much the S15 teams, and they are superpowered S15 sides.

  2. flaviafamkesandwich says:

    Sexy with his dodgy hammer at IC >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Emerick

    tick tick tick tick….



  3. dermott says:

    Killer > Michalak

    Don’t let literary fame go to your head, Killer.

  4. yosoy says:

    Do you have a word filter function here? If so, can you change ‘Emerick’ to ‘ultimate limited trier’ and ‘Carlin Isles’ to ’32nd best Yank sprinter who plays 7s’?

  5. LarryM says:

    You hear “drongo” used in NZ – or I’ve heard it used there – but in the same general way it’s used in Australia. Someone can be a drongo, not a nationality. They don’t call Australians “Ockers”. “Ocker” is an Australian invention. It dates back to an early Australian comic strip.

    Could have mentioned that before publishing my “Three is the Magic Number” piece ATL…

  6. @ Avs

    Haven’t watched the game yet. Will get to it soon. Hopefully it is better than last week.

  7. avsfan says:

    And Crash is looking for a Kiwi term to describe Australians. I’ve never heard much other than “Aussie”.

    Aussie would be the most common. Ocker is acceptable. Often used in conjunction with the word ‘bloody’, which can infer derision, envy, fear or admiration, as the context may dictate.

  8. crashtopuss says:


    Ta for the help. Might run with just run with ‘Convicts’ or something like that that gets trotted out from time to time by people in general, not just the Kiwis.

  9. dermott says:

    I didn’t see it before publication, Larry. Was holidaying briefly in Florence.

  10. LarryM says:

    @dermott – you’d rather holiday in Florence than subedit my aimless rambling satire?

  11. boanova says:

    ‘Carlin Isles’ to ’32nd best Yank sprinter who plays 7s’?

    or ‘the Craig Pickering of Rugby 7s’…. no wait, he’s slower than Pickering

  12. avsfan says:

    Shackle draggers

  13. dermott says:

    Crash, go with “convicts”. As I said earlier, it can be amended any time up until publication if something better arises.

  14. @ Avs

    Also, it seems last year’s awful performance by the Blues and your concomitant suffering was payment for a pretty good team this year.

  15. avsfan says:

    32BYSWP7 – simples.

  16. Of course, the big problem with the Cactus is that he’s a red card waiting to happen.

  17. LarryM says:

    Also, dermott, is this anything to do with mrs dermott’s art displays? How’s that going?

  18. avsfan says:


    So far, so good. I am in a groove with the Bru league at the moment. Pick them to lose, they win. May it continue. I’m waiting for the game to become available for download – haven’t looked at the score yet.

  19. brookter says:

    AVS, Thaum, glad you like the Daily Mail Song.

    Skewers their rank hypocrisy nicely, doesn’t it.

    I hate the sanctimonious bastards.

  20. dermott says:

    To be perfectly frank, Larry, as a change from being perfectly dermott, I think you probably know the answer to that. It’s hard to compete with one of the three or four best cities in the world.

  21. dermott says:

    Larry – no, the trip was a mutual anniversary present. Which didn’t stop Mrs dermott from raiding Florence’s best art supplies shops. Her first exhibition closes next week. Nothing sold. It was a joint exhibition with a couple of other very well-known artists and they didn’t sell either. Tough times. She got very good feedback, though. All you can hope for for a first outing.

  22. avsfan says:

    @ dermott – can you post a link to her work?

  23. MichaelVaughanMyLord says:

    Time for a pint. Cheerio.

  24. dermott says:

    avs – posted on the new blog too:

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