Inside this week’s SUNDAY Hask, your go-to Sabbath Red Top round-up of all things rugby, sometimes factual but more likely entirely invented in order to boost circulation:
RFU REELS AT BACKYARD ASTRONOMER’S SHOCK REVELATION; PASTA ALMOST BOILS OVER TO SHOCK RAVENHILL; WESHT ALMOST BESHTED AS ZEBRAS SHOCKED BY EXISTENTIAL CONUNDRUM; NO SHOCK AS FROGS BORE FROG NATION SHITLESS; DR QUINS MEDICINE WOMAN HEAL THYSELF SHOCK CALL; COLOSTOMY RON FAILS UNDER DROP GOAL PRESSURE TO LEAK SHOCK DRAW
Twickenham was in stunned lockdown last night as the RFU struggled to come to grips with a Derbyshire backyard astronomer’s shock revelation.
“It explains much about his recent performances”, said Wimpole Clackbutt speaking exclusively to the SUNDAY Hask from his cottage in England’s smallest village, Ault Hucknell, in Derbyshire. “I was on the telephone to Twickenham straight away. They were flabbergasted to put it mildly”, Mr Clackbutt chuckled exclusively to the SUNDAY Hask.
Approached for comment by the SUNDAY Hask, the RFU’s Mr Rob Andrew turned and ran away. Rest assured, readers, that the SUNDAY Hask will pursue this shocking revelation leaving no investigative stone unturned.
We are hacking RFU mobile phones and emails as this edition goes to press. [EDITOR’S NOTE: CAN WE LOSE THIS LAST SENTENCE? I’M ALREADY DUE IN COURT NEXT WEEK!]
In other even more sensational rugby news, on Friday night, Treviso B, minus their Italian stars, fresh from their finestra a ghigliottina job on Munster, quasi ha fottuto leaders Ulster at their fortress HQ. Meanwhile, in the Wesht, Connacht only held off cellar-dwellers Zebre thanks to quick-thinking Dan Parks asking the opposition whether their jerseys were black with white stripes or white with black stripes. The existential dilemma sucked the Wesht wind out of the Italian sails and Connacht scraped home.
While, across the channel on Friday night, Bayonne and Biarritz predictably exceeded all known tedium records with a 6-all borefest.
While yesterday, Conor O’Shea resorted to 1990s TV series punnery when he called on his team to do a Doctor Quins Medicine Woman and “heal thyself” after falling to a shock defeat by Exeter 27-16. “I make no excuses for resorting to punnery”, O’Shea told the SUNDAY Hask exclusively, “I yam what I yam”.
And, at home, Munster’s Colostomy Ron unsurprisingly pissed away a late drop-goal attempt to bring his team home against John Waters’ Hairsprays leaving the scores tied 13-all. “Catheter malfunction”, Ron later confided exclusively to the SUNDAY Hask.
In the next bumper edition of the SUNDAY Hask, your go-to Sabbath Red Top round-up of all things rugby, sometimes factual but more likely entirely invented in order to boost circulation:
EXCLUSIVE SUNDAY Hask SHOCK PROP CLAIM: