The SUNDAY Hask March 3rd 2013

The-full-moon-003

Inside this week’s SUNDAY Hask, your go-to Sabbath Red Top round-up of all things rugby, sometimes factual but more likely entirely invented in order to boost circulation:

RFU REELS AT BACKYARD ASTRONOMER’S SHOCK REVELATION; PASTA ALMOST BOILS OVER TO SHOCK RAVENHILL; WESHT ALMOST BESHTED AS ZEBRAS SHOCKED BY EXISTENTIAL CONUNDRUM; NO SHOCK AS FROGS BORE FROG NATION SHITLESS; DR QUINS MEDICINE WOMAN HEAL THYSELF SHOCK CALL; COLOSTOMY RON FAILS UNDER DROP GOAL PRESSURE TO LEAK SHOCK DRAW

Twickenham was in stunned lockdown last night as the RFU struggled to come to grips with a Derbyshire backyard astronomer’s shock revelation.

“It explains much about his recent performances”, said Wimpole Clackbutt speaking exclusively to the SUNDAY Hask from his cottage in England’s smallest village, Ault Hucknell, in Derbyshire. “I was on the telephone to Twickenham straight away. They were flabbergasted to put it mildly”, Mr Clackbutt chuckled exclusively to the SUNDAY Hask.

Mr Cluttlebuck's great-great-granddaughter reenacts her great-great-grandfather's shock discovery exclusively for the Sunday Hask.

Mr Clackbutt’s great-great-granddaughter re-enacts her great-great-grandfather’s shock discovery exclusively for the SUNDAY Hask.

Approached for comment by the SUNDAY Hask, the RFU’s Mr Rob Andrew turned and ran away. Rest assured, readers, that the SUNDAY Hask will pursue this shocking revelation leaving no investigative stone unturned. We are hacking RFU mobile phones and emails as this edition goes to press. [EDITOR’S NOTE: CAN WE LOSE THIS LAST SENTENCE? I’M ALREADY DUE IN COURT NEXT WEEK!]

In other even more sensational rugby news, on Friday night, Treviso B, minus their Italian stars, fresh from their finestra a ghigliottina job on Munster, quasi ha fottuto leaders Ulster at their fortress HQ. Meanwhile, in the Wesht, Connacht only held off cellar-dwellers Zebre thanks to quick-thinking Dan Parks asking the opposition whether their jerseys were black with white stripes or white with black stripes. The existential dilemma sucked the Wesht wind out of the Italian sails and Connacht scraped home.

"Eh! Sinoti! Siamo nero e bianco o bianco e nero? Fottuto esistenzialismo!"

“Eh! Sinoti! Siamo nero e bianco o bianco e nero? Fottuto esistenzialismo!”

While, across the channel on Friday night, Bayonne and Biarritz predictably exceeded all known tedium records with a 6-all borefest.

Even Mike Phillips'

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Mike Phillips’ cat, listening to the match at home on la radio, couldn’t buck the nationwide response to the borefest

While yesterday, Conor O’Shea resorted to 1990s TV series punnery when he called on his team to do a Doctor Quins Medicine Woman and “heal thyself” after falling to a shock defeat by Exeter 27-16. “I make no excuses for resorting to punnery”, O’Shea told the SUNDAY Hask exclusively, “I yam what I yam”.

And, at home, Munster’s Colostomy Ron unsurprisingly pissed away a late drop-goal attempt to bring his team home against John Waters’ Hairsprays leaving the scores tied 13-all. “Catheter malfunction”, Ron later confided exclusively to the SUNDAY Hask.

Exclusive SUNDAY Hask dressing-room snap of Colostomy Bag preparing to take the field

Exclusive SUNDAY Hask dressing-room snap of Colostomy Ron preparing to take the field

In the next bumper edition of the SUNDAY Hask, your go-to Sabbath Red Top round-up of all things rugby, sometimes factual but more likely entirely invented in order to boost circulation:

EXCLUSIVE SUNDAY Hask SHOCK PROP CLAIM:

"Feck Francis Bacon, I singlehandedly wrote every single word attributed to Shakespeare!"the entire works of Shakespeare

“Feck Francis Bacon, I singlehandedly wrote every single word attributed to Shakespeare!”

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About sagmog

Just the facts, man.
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458 Responses to The SUNDAY Hask March 3rd 2013

  1. crashtopuss says:

    This far out I fancy;

    France by 12
    Scotland by 5
    England by 50+

  2. expro says:

    It’s one thing swallowdiving if you score a brilliant individual try against quality opposition.

    Ashton was swallowdiving when he was getting run ins vs Georgia and Romania in the WC.

    It’s cuntish.

  3. PlanetoftheChimps says:

    @deebee

    That’s the impression I got – that Meyer had a clean slate to a certain extent, but just wants to bosh & kick with no thought to making more use of all the good attacking players he’s got.

    Unfortunately it tended to work last year, especially against the NH teams

    My original comment wasn’t (meant as) a dig by the way!

  4. LarryM says:

    Ah, I see, maybe the ritalin question was a bit premature.

    The interception was a critical turning point.

    Scotland were 17 points ahead already when Hogg caught the ball.

    I appreciate that, if it were not for the interception, Italy themselves would probably have scored seven points, but that still would only have made it a ten point game. It ended the match as a contest, but was not a turning point – as that implies a change in direction.

    Keatley can’t buy a spot for love nor money and I fear that if it’s not soon it might only be a matter of time before Hanrahan (if he’s played at 10 when ROG hangs up his Munster boots) might be jumped ahead of him in the queue and Keatley never gets a look in.

    I think James Downey, who is playing OK despite not being used on the crash, could be vulnerable. Hanrahan has started one (IIRC) game at twelve for Munster, scored two tries, nearly got a breakaway third for the hat-trick, was man of the match and then got sent back to the AIL… eh?

    Murray, Keatley, Zebo, Hanrahan, ?Earls?, Howlett, Jones for next year, if Doug’s body holds up. If not, Earls to wing (better this way anyway) and get Casey into midfield and tell him to buck his ideas up after a disappointing first season. Or Downey at 13 (as a crash option, playing off Keatley and Hanrahan, drawing defenders so they back three can take it in space).

    Ireland, freed from the restraints of the colostomy bag will drum up a performance of fire and vigour to repel these hapless crazy pill addicted continentals. Picamoles will be engulfed in a green tide as the half back pull a ron.

    We produced this performance two years ago, scored three tries to one, but a bout of England-match-style dropsies (Sean Cronin! Aaaaargh!) and GD’s missed tackle on Rougerie let the French win.

    This, as I said earlier, is the day I lost all hope for Ireland against France.

  5. Craigsman says:

    DCC – I think that you are forgetting that, this being England. even though SL has a high degree of control over selection, Austin Healey and other journals have to be appeased. Otherwise they start crying and all mopey and call for SLs head on a block.

    Seriously though, whilst Ashton is typically nailed on at wing, he hasn’t played anywhere near his best now since he moved from Saints. He has missed more than a few tackles anyway (apart from a fine tackle on Ben Foden in the WCV against France).

    The other thing would be to take Brown off the wing and make him a sub for Goode. Our back 3 was better under Johnno. That’s my only complaint on this England team really.

  6. crashtopuss says:

    annoys Expro and the Irish Misery Guts Brigade.

    Do you mean us here or the dregs over at the Graun?

  7. sagmog says:

    @Cat
    Italy have Orquera defending at FB normally.
    Well out of harms way.

  8. Chekhovian says:

    It’s a celebration, expro, move on. If Emerick did it you wouldn’t be making such a fuss.

  9. daffodane says:

    Crash were you genuinely stunned be expros remark?

    France by 12!

    C’mon man will your team to victory.

  10. dermott says:

    Has Parisse appealed his ban?

    Apparently so. Can’t find anything about a result.

  11. LarryM says:

    @cat – I don’t get the Ashton “his form his shit” thing. He looks dangerous to me.

    @deebee – I think Meyer is playing exactly the sort of rugby he thinks is best. Can’t pin that on the div.

  12. Craigsman says:

    Haha – I like the Swallow Dive too. One of the best things about his try vs Oz in 2011 was his face when he was running up the wing in his own half. He knew he was going to score, he knew it would be the best thing ever and he loved it.

    Swallow diving against lesser teams is ok too I think. I like to have people who rile the opposition on the team. It spices things up.

  13. daffodane says:

    I see England really targeting the Italian scrum early on. Wales pretty much started that way in Rome and then were patient enough to see the game out. If the Italian scrum has not recovered from the welsh game then a big score is coming for England.

  14. Ashton was swallowdiving when he was getting run ins vs Georgia and Romania in the WC.

    There was one that was particularly bad v Romania, where he crossed the line, then did it diagonally to make sure he had space.

    The one against Georgia wasn’t bad- on the end of a great move, and he’d gone from inside his own half. The Romania one, though, was an entirely different kettle of fish.

  15. crashtopuss says:

    @Larry

    Yep, Downey hasn’t done a whole lot of spectacular stuff for us this season but he’s been solid and makes ground every time. Basically, just like he was for Saints. Laulala started off brilliant and then went into a downward spiral, although that’s not entirely of his own doing. Even against the O’s on the weekend he’d make yards and look to offload in the tackle only to have none of his team mates anywhere near him. Made him look like a lazy crash ball merchant, which he’s not, and them look like idiots who had no idea this is what he was doing time and again. Worrying.

    To be honest, I hope with Kidney’s removal Munster can abandon the top down decree that Earls play at centre. That way we can play around with Hanrahan, Keatley, Laulala and Downey there in a horses for courses approach. Earls at wing only if Zebo and Dougie are hurt/need resting. Tough on Earls but he can cover full back too and Jones is still fragile. Anything that keeps Hurley, the slowest winger in Ireland, off the wing is good with me. He was man-shamed by one of the O’s on the weekend despite having a huge headstart.

  16. daffodane says:

    Is Farrell still 50-50 for the game v italy?

  17. boanova says:

    Italy have Orquera defending at FB normally.
    Well out of harms way.

    Shontayne managed to find him ok in 2011…

  18. dermott says:

    According to the FIR site, Parisse’s appeal will be heard in Paris on Wednesday.

  19. Our back 3 was better under Johnno. That’s my only complaint on this England team really.

    oooh. Not sure about this.

    Ashton 2011>Ashton 2013 yes.
    Foden 2011= Goode 2013 (I really like Goode)
    Brown 2013>>>>>>>>>>>Cueto, ever.

    his face when he was running up the wing in his own half. He knew he was going to score, he knew it would be the best thing ever and he loved it.

    Yes. It was the same v the AB’s. It’s a combination of him not really believing he’s through, coupled with pure ecstasy. Fantastic.

    @larry, no me neither.

  20. crashtopuss says:

    Crash were you genuinely stunned be expros remark?

    Not at all! Was going for uber-sarcasm.

  21. ‘slovely, but cold day.

    Debating whether or not to go for a smoke.

  22. killerline says:

    As an honourary Scotsman as of just this minute (an honour I bestowed upon myself) I say the time for Scottish fans to engage in some over-dogging is now.

    @Crash

    In awe of this counter-overdogging.

    I’ve just bestowed myself Irishness (downloaded, easy) and I say we have to pull together to win this one for Declan. So.

  23. LarryM says:

    @crash – Laulala’s been short of expectations but I don’t think he’s been helped. Agree he was pretty good against the Os (like Ulster, I think you were lucky to draw, saw most of both games but no other rugby this weekend) and the offload thing was infuriating.

    How dumb do you have to be not to run off CS’s shoulders? Man’s a fecking octopus, hands through the tackle every time… Not smart.

  24. rugbywreckage says:

    I think Ashton will play this weekend. And score. I don’t particularly give a toss who it pisses off either, swan dive or no.

  25. Craigsman says:

    DCC – hmm you are right about Ceuto. I like Goode too, and Fodes when he on form. it think that Ashton played better with Foden than with Goode, but this should be ok after a few seasons. Ah cack I think you may be talking me round.

  26. I don’t particularly give a toss who it pisses off either, swan dive or no.

    This.

  27. Ah cack I think you may be talking me round.

    The only obvious discrepancy is Cueto v Brown. I’m still not convinced that Brown is the long term answer there, but he’s streets better than Cueto.

    The lad needs a try though.

  28. sagmog says:

    I think Ashton will play this weekend. And score. I don’t particularly give a toss who it pisses off either, swan dive or no.

    +Graham’s Number

  29. rugbywreckage says:

    I think that you are forgetting that, this being England. even though SL has a high degree of control over selection, Austin Healey and other journals have to be appeased.

    One of the big pluses (among many) of Lancaster’s reign so far is that he doesn’t seem to do appeasement. The amount abuse that he’s had for various selections (The Throbshaw one particularly at the start) and strategies since he started just seems like water of a ducks back to him.

    He’ll sit down and explain to anyone who wants to listen his thinking on any given matter but he does it his way regardless of whether anyone likes it or not.

  30. expro says:

    “Swallow diving against lesser teams is ok too I think. I like to have people who rile the opposition on the team. It spices things up” .

    So riling up the amateurs and semi pros of Romania when you get a run in and the score is already 56-3 is really necessary?

    it’s just the sign of a small brain and a big ego imo, wendyball style.

  31. killerline says:

    @Cat

    we have options all over ‘tshop.

    I liked the look of May this weekend. Eastmond looks like someone that would acquit himself well at the top level. Wade.

    Brown’s been very good though, often with rubbish quality of possession. His yards against the All Blacks are cemented in my memory.

  32. crashtopuss says:

    @larry

    Penney seems like an incredibly patient and together guy, I’ve a lot of time for him, but him ripping the team a new one after the loss to Treviso was a sign that even he must be pulling his hair out. At this stage in the season something as basic as run off Laulala’s shoulder has not sunk in for some of the players and short of beating it into them I’m not sure how Penney can get it into them.

    Downey does what Downey does and as long as he does it well then I’m content. He’s too long in the tooth to learn new tricks. Laulala just needs others around him to be less fucktardish and he’ll come roaring back. I think if Keatley or JJ had been playing against the O’s they’d have had the wherewithal to be off his shoulder and waiting as they are both smart and together as players.

    It’s a pity Danny Barnes regressed so badly as there was a brief time when it looked like he and not Zebo was likely to be the hot young thing in the Munster side who could make the step up to the big leagues.

    @killer

    I try to be at the frontier of dogging.

  33. @Killer

    I read somewhere that he can only call up Wade, Eastmond, Yarde etc in the event of injury, as they aren’t in the Saxons.

    That’s a fair point about Brown cleaning up rubbish possession as well

  34. Wolfie says:

    Scotland/Wales – if Scots don’t feel they can win this now, what chance in future? They look really up for it as a team. Visser (overrated) vs. Cuthbert will cancel out, though both might score. Scotland win
    Ireland/France – Ireland seem all confusion plus Sexton at <100% against a French team smarting for a win and their self-image ripe for a bit of restoration, plus, they've had a rest.
    France win
    England / Italy – if England don't win by a good margin they all need a good slapping. Can't see them cocking up.
    England win

  35. rugbywreckage says:

    Goode is a much better all round full back that Foden in my opinion and gives you many more options attack wise than Foden ever did or does. I also think he’s a better defender than Foden.

    I like Foden as a player and in a straight foot race he beats Goode hands down. But Goode is much better for this team and the way they’re playing.

    I also think Brown’s contribution as a wing has been vastly underrated. He defends well, beats players regularly and his support work is tireless and his positioning very good.

    If Ashton had shipped the ball on against Scotland rather than go for the try, or Parling hadn’t been stood where he was when Farrell threw the long pass, or Manu hadn’t been where he was against France Brown would have had three tries under his belt by now.

    It’s only a matter of time but I like the fact that he’s always there as an option regardless of whether he’s getting the scoring pass or not.

  36. daffodane says:

    Instead of underdogging which is a bit of a cop out really why don’t you all have a disappointment level out of 0>10 after the game.

    I was diappointed at Wales’ loss to Ireland of about 3 out of 10.
    Or if Wales lose to Scotland this weekend I will have a disappointment level of 8 out of 10.

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