The Secret Diary of James Haskell (IQ 25 ½). Date: March 14th, 2013

Very well alone…

I’m finding it hard to get motivated this week. Obviously, we gave the French the biggest kicking since Agincourt three Saturdays back, but since then, I’m feeling less than chipper. Bloody Pasta munchers turned up to play, and that flaming PE Teacher made the mistake of taking me off, thereby negating our DOMINATION.

It also occurs to me that this is the last time I can share some WORLD CLASS BANTER™ before the end of the 6 Nations. So, I’d best stiffen my upper lip, wipe away that single manly tear and regale you with some insights into the mind of THE HASK.

I’m frankly a bit sick of this nonsense.

Firstly, there was that garbage leaving me, the MIGHTY HASK, on the bench for Big Courtney, only to see him miss a tackle I’d have made in my sleep, thereby exposing that Northern wretch to the ridicule of the masses. Which reminds me, someone keeps stealing things in camp, and I’ve got my suspicions as to who is to blame. When I catch him, well, let’s put it this way, it will absolutely redefine DOMINATION. There won’t be enough of him left to send to the police, unless they’ll take him in a sponge bag.

The usual suspect.

Then there’s this flapping in the press about a Grand Slam decider, and you can bet that this is going to have an effect on the forthcoming team selection. I mean, if you look at it logically, as that fat Welsh disgrace to back row forwards is STILL DOMINATING his hospital bed (I helpfully pointed out that if he spent less time in Gregg’s and more time DOMINATING the weight room, then this wouldn’t have happened) then I have to be due to start again. I’m either going to be placed at 6 to show some mighty defence, or else I’ll be marshalling the troops from the back of the scrum. Although I suspect the PE Teacher will put Woody there.

Looking at the last match, I think we didn’t take them seriously. It’s understandable because, well, it’s only fucking Italy. A more gutless and craven nation (including the French) doesn’t exist than this lot.

Given that it was at Twickenham, it wasn’t unreasonable to expect us to lay the absolute smack down on them: to DOMINATE their pusillanimous team.

Form an orderly queue ladies

Still, despite their best efforts, and our uselessness (honestly, Jug Ears, can you try to not run into your own players? Over them is fine, but into them is not) they proved to be little more than a speed bump in the way of our ongoing juggernaut of DOMINATION. And you know what I do to speed bumps? Fucking flatten them. And now, as I stand here in my skimpiest pair of briefs, I turn my attention to the match that matters; the one fixture that DOMINATES all others: England v Wales with the fucking championship on the line.

I said some nice things in the press about Tom Croft’s return. Didn’t mean a damned word of it, mind, and I’m stunned that I was taken off so that the lanky streak of piss (disgrace to forwards) could get in Ginsters’ way and DOMINATE the touchline. I find this frankly inexplicable, as cometh the hour, cometh THE GUN SHOW- yet I still see that there are calls for him to start ahead of me. Absurd.

Not actually a twiglet. I took this as Crofty came out of the showers.

Returning to the matter at hand, as mentioned, it’s that miserable nation of sheep shagging choristers who love nothing more than to piss on an English grand slam (some group of tone-deaf imbeciles called the Steroesomethingorother even wrote a song about it) this week. I’m, therefore, beginning my psyche-up process today with a strong dose of self-flagellation. It’s difficult to resist, to be honest, as I can’t pass a mirror without being transfixed by the image of perfect masculinity in front of me. I’ve even been practising a few poses, and am going to come out there ready, prepped, oiled and slightly tumescent.

So, the press is giving us shit, and for some inexplicable reason we’re not favourites. Well, that’s clearly garbage. We are ENGLAND! So what if it’s the first time in 10 years? We were just graciously letting the Celts have a run at the prize for a while. I feel now is the time for us to reclaim our trophy and to reassert the natural order of things. The rightful DESTINY of every good and proper ENGLISHMAN cannot, will not and must FUCKING not be denied!

The typical Welshman

The typical Welshman

So, when we step out on the Millennium Stadium pitch to be confronted by an entire nation of genetic unfortunates singing some drivel about Carbs from above, I’m not going to be overwhelmed. I will bet, though, that they have the roof closed. For 2 reasons: Firstly, they naturally, and rightly, assume that God is embarrassed by them, and so need to hide; and secondly because their pasty and twisted visages can’t stand direct light.

Still, as I keep saying to the press, even if we make a balls up of it, this is only another step along the PATH TO DOMINATION. We are preaching the WAY OF THE GUN SHOW, and I’m feeling that now is the time. I will be starting. I FUCKING WILL. I’m a big beautiful weapon of TOTAL FUCKING DESTRUCTION, and you don’t keep your big GUNS at the back when you’re preparing for war. This will be war, and you clearly want your best fucking warriors out there. Which means me, natch.

My pump is fucking primed, and I’m ready to rock out with my cock out and DOMINATE the misbegotten Welsh bastards.

I love the smell of DOMINATION in the evening, smells like….

GLORY!

Oh yes.

Ciao,

James.

Don't want to offend any one with a caption trying to be funny.Just bask in the reflected glory

Don’t want to offend any one with a caption trying to be funny.
Just bask in the reflected glory

Bask Mortals.BASK1

Bask Mortals.
BASK!

 

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875 Responses to The Secret Diary of James Haskell (IQ 25 ½). Date: March 14th, 2013

  1. yesiamclutz says:

    FD,

    Jesus, isn’t Campese filling the dickhead Aussie Rugby Union player quota for the world?

  2. @ Clutz

    My strategy is to use for loops in my code rather than vecotorizing it (mainly because my coding skills are rudimentary). That way my computer runs doing my analysis for hours and I can pretend to be working while commenting on blog.

  3. avsfan says:

    Meades isn’t even on twitter, how can he compete with the Cult of Quade (close to 600000 followers on twitter).

    This statistic both staggers and appalls me. Subtract his gran and his probation officer, how could anyone in their right mind give a flying fuck about what he “thinks”. This goes for twitter in general. it is there merely to feed the egos of the famous, while showing up those who follow to be little more than unimaginative souls leading dull and grey little lives.

  4. @ Clutz

    Quade actually puts a lot of effort in to maintaining his twitter, responding to followers etc. I know this only because I was going to write a Quade piece for above the line and was doing research. He also has done some nice things for his followers, one notable example is toward the end of last season one of his followers on twitter was short a player for a touch game and jokingly invited him to come and he showed up.

  5. yesiamclutz says:

    @FD

    In order.

    Hahaha, I like to claim that I can multiply my productivity by as many processors as my code is running on at any given time. No one believes me. But vectorise your code you lazy git.

    That’s nice to hear. Perhaps his interactions with the ARFU are governed by his agent or similar, because he always comes across as a bit of an arse. In truth nothing like Campese-esque levels though.

  6. meadesian says:

    @FD. It’s a very exclusive cult.

    I also wonder how people post so much. But I’m glad they do, as it gives me something else to read in the evenings.

  7. @ Clutz

    Part of the problem for me, and I am on here too much at the moment, is that I am not teaching this year. Having more work makes me more productive as I have to structure and use my time better.

  8. I hope my dinner turns out ok. I decided, somewhat rashly perhaps, to experiment with braising lamb shanks in a kind of chinese style stock, chicken stock with soy sauce, shao xing, ginger, garlic and scallions added.

  9. avsfan says:

    Off to a work do myself. No black tie. I’ll ride my bike. Drink my share, and then someone else’s also. Ride my bike home. Watch out for deer on the trail.

  10. avsfan says:

    FD – sounds perfect. Can’t go wrong.

  11. tichtheid says:

    Okay, I’ll put my real mug up for a while, albeit a slightly tampered-with image.

  12. meadesian says:

    Something of a blog killer there Ticht. Rude b*stards round here.

  13. tichtheid says:

    Not the first time I’ve put a bullet in the blog I’m afraid Mr Meads.

    Who are the two at the bottom of the ATL piece holding the trophy? I missed those shots when I read it earlier (the ATL writing is very good btw, I’m intimidated from writing anything)

  14. meadesian says:

    That is our very own Christian and Frau Harris. A welcome visual relief after the shot of the Hask in his speedos.

    We’re certainly blessed by the quality of writing ATL. You should give it a whirl though. Perhaps a piece on the dark arts of the scrummage.

  15. Cuntfactor update.

    England nailed on. Only question is how much wales are going to get bitch slapped.

    I hate these people.

  16. tichtheid says:

    I think the appalling grammatical outrage that is “intimidated from writing anything” precludes any Tichtheidinal contribution ATL.

    Nah. I’ll try to do something, I got waylaid today on another blog site on the subject of an interventionist foreign policy, and I’m still a bit wired to be honest.

  17. tichtheid says:

    Christian and Frau Harris look like fine people, btw.

  18. tichtheid says:

    Cat?

    I read something about a works do – it went well then?

  19. meadesian says:

    If you’re looking for interventionism and conflagrations you should read through today’s posts Ticht.

    Cat, you must have acquired enough brownie points tonight to go AWOL all weekend. If you can make it to midnight without butchering someone you can have a ride home in a pumpkin coach.

  20. yesiamclutz says:

    meads,

    What exactly happened? Gotta go in a mo so can’t read through 1000 odd posts unfortunately

  21. meadesian says:

    As I understand it there was a global conspiracy to wind the Cat into apoplexy using the Flood Gambit. Worked well.

  22. therealbennyblanco says:

    Morning/evening all,

    I have a shocker of a week at work, missed the England-Italy game as a I was stuck in work in the middle of the night, missed all sorts of banter on here…just a write-off, not even going to attempt to catch up. Thankfully I have a free weekend to come, consisting of Springsteen live in Brisbane and getting up at 3am to watch England win by 5. Should be a cracker of a contest. Can’t bloody wait.

  23. killerline says:

    @Benny

    Springsteen vs Springboks.

    I’d pay to see that.

  24. killerline says:

    Looking good Ticht.

  25. killerline says:

    Meades can you Brumail me?

    My bro might need cheap digs somewhere…

  26. therealbennyblanco says:

    Killer,
    I’m missing the Reds play the Force, but Bruce only tours Australia once every 10 years or so. Should be good. Not many other good Super rugby games this weekend; are the Crusaders genuinely weak and can the Bulls capitalise? And can the Brumbies win in SA and show they are genuine contenders? Will be interesting to see how George Smith backs up this week. I was gutted for Pocock, even as a Lions fan. To miss such an occasion, wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

  27. ‘Snot a works do.

    Sadly. I could bin it if it was.

  28. An still worryingly sober.

    And even boring self.

    Hate these people.

  29. saltysam says:

    @therealbennyblanco … you’re gonna miss the Reds getting beaten, then … with a bit of luck for once on the Force’s part.
    So sad for Pocock, the man’s a walking talking monster … but what a piece of timing for the Brumbies to snag George Smith for a wee swansong. He’s looking fit and happy, Brumbies going very well with him in the fold, and should make a good fist of the SA tour.
    Hooper is a ‘known’ factor and will be a handful for the Lions, and a good chance for Gill to demonstrate his arts to a wider audience.

    @DCC … don’t be hater. Chill a bit, pretend they’re all auditioning for a soap opera and assign them suitable roles. And get un-sober as fast as possible.

  30. avsfan says:

    Ticht – I would love to read some about the dark arts, perhaps as practiced in the south of France. Doesn’t need to be clever, just tell us about a game you once played in, the toughest bastard you packed down with / against etc.

  31. avsfan says:

    salty – did you find a helicopter/

  32. therealbennyblanco says:

    Saltysam,
    Will Genia back in the starting line up for the Reds. Great news for the Reds, not so much for the Lions. Reds by 15.

  33. ElSuavo says:

    Question for the panel: what is going to happen to the blog once the 6N has climaxed (along with a large number of English or Welsh fans) this weekend? Is there enough interest in the SuperPooperScooper15 to sustain the blog over the next few months?
    This place is a refuge from The Real World and I hunker down to read most of it – I barely get time to read it all, never mind actually post something – and I would like to think it isn’t going to go all moribund after we get a couple of ATLs centred around the Blog Works Outing.

    A big thanks to everyone – especially those who have made the effort to put together the ATL contributions and the Triumvirate who administer the blog – and I hope we can continue to gather here below.

    And I suspect my beloved Highlanders are going to get bitch-slapped by the Hurricanes in just a few hours time… life can be so very, very cruel. (Scotland supporters – of whom I am one – will know what I mean.)

  34. sagmog says:

    @ElSuavo
    We’ve got Heineken Cup, AP, Rabo, Top14, S15 then the Lions.
    Plenty to be going on with, don’t worry.

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