The Six Nations Concludeth: not Eddie Butler’s guide to surviving Week Five drink by drink

But through it all
When there was doubt
I ate it up
And spit it out
I faced it all
And I stood tall
And pronounced “Fof-farrrr-na”
My way!”

And so, the end. A Farewell To Arms, as it were.

Dear Mr Butler,
Feck off.
E. Hemingway

But before the curtain comes down on this oldest of rugby tournaments, the final act is to be played out. The dénouement, the thrilling climax, where spoons of timber are accepted mournfully and Grand Slam crowns are taken only by those who want them most.


“For this Grand Slam crown I have to thank my drunken sister whom I beat 1,755-0 in the backyard at Balmoral in 1977.”

A championship is still alive, raging against the dying of the light, still drawing the eye. It is there to be taken by one of two teams, two of the oldest foes in the game. Llywelyn’s men face Edward Longshanks’ on the battlefield of the Millenium Stadium.


Rare souvenir button from Edward’s 1282 Millennium Stadium victory over Llywelyn

Expect hell to be unleashed as all eyes will be turned to Cardiff this Saturday.

But prior to – and following – what is no doubt the weekend’s centrepiece in Wales are two matches which offer intrigue and debate in no less measure.

What of I Figli di Garibaldi who showed at Twickenham a glimpse of the team that dismissed Les Bleus on that eventful first week? A match in the Eternal City to round out their campaign against the battered, bruised and depleted sons of St Patrick.


“Oi take that as a unanimous decision to disembowel Declan Kidney for destroying Oirish rugby for a generation to come?”

In what may be both Declan Kidney and Brian O’Driscoll’s last game, the lads from Hibernia need to prove to their doubting fans, and perhaps themselves, that they still have the stomach for the fight. BOD himself would expect no less.


“Oh Captain, my Captain, say it isn’t so …”

And from the Eternal City to the City of Love, the Auld Alliance meets in Lutetia for what in many parts may be viewed as an exiguous filigree, une babiole rounding off the tournament. But not for France and Scotland.

There is more than just pride. The sense of fierté regained by Philippe Saint-André’s men in their Baile Átha Cliath fightback needs to be augmented with direction and a will to win. For the Caledonians, it may be a case of à la recherche du temps perdu – they need a performance akin to that which brought them victory in 1999 when Gregor Townsend strode the Stade like a colossus.


Gregor Townsend’s sheer height proved a nightmare for the 1999-vintage French lineout jumpers

So one last hurrah for those doughty yeomen who have ventured to their local with my tips safely ensconced underarm as their guide. And if you have surived up to this point – well, reward yourself with another drink or two. Graham Price doubted my ability to imbibe heady brews, but one empty wellington and a week’s worth of dysentry later, I proved him wrong.


Health Warning: May cause dysentry

You too can put any doubts to bed by following my final top tippling tips.

Six Nations Championship Week Five

Saturday March 16

Italy v Ireland  Stadio Olimpico  14:30

On your last Six Nations weekend, it is important to start as you mean to go on. And for that reason, nothing less than a balanced diet of Limoncello and Guinness, side-by-side and pint-by-pint will do. You may also feel free to add liberal doses of Fernet Branca and Sassolino to get in the mood. Do not forget to stand and applaud Brian O’Driscoll, the centre nonpareil, raising a glass of Ireland’s finest, a Bushmill’s 25 year old malt. Nothing else will do. The Man Himself may well need one, too, as the Italians romp home by 5 points.


The Scrum [V] panel put off their Italy -v- Ireland tips while I slipped out for another bottle of Absolut

Wales v England  Millennium Stadium  17:00

Cardiff – and the showpiece of the Six Nations – requires a strong stomach to calm the nerves. Nothing less than a mix and match job will do, the quality equally and keenly felt: a Taffy Apple Cider matched by Aspall’s finest efforts, a Fursty Ferret followed by an equally delicious Chwarae Teg, Bishop’s Finger, Braf, Landlord’s and Green Dragon. It’s hard to separate them. And hard to separate them on the pitch too. If a Welsh win shuts up Inverdale, go the Welsh. The other upside being Jiffy losing all power of speech. But the margin of victory will not be enough for the Championship to go west of the Severn. Just like the faithful follower of this guide, vomiting may well be an option for me.


Jiffy’s. Mine’s in Welsh colours.

France v Scotland  Stade de France  20:00

The last match of the championship and one to savour as much as the drinks in front of you. Winding down, feel free to mix and match Sémillon with Scotch, a Picpoul de Pinet Camp de Rousse 2010 with Buckfast. Enjoy your pints of Deuchars and round out the evening in the right style with a delicious Armagnac as France win comfortably and the jumped-up scarf salesman, Inverdale and Mini-Me head to a boozer in South West London twenty minutes before the match concludes.

And so, the curtain will come down. A victor will be crowned, be they Grand Slam winner or Championship; no matter. Our odyssey is nearly at its conclusion, and, commenting on an Odyssey of a very different type, the Greek scholar Eustathius had the right of it: He who has put a good finish to his undertaking is said to have placed a golden crown to the whole. Too wordy for my liking. He needed a good editor.

And so it goes. Until next season.

Forwarded by Droptheclaw after he found it being used as a bookmark in Eddie’s well-thumbed Roget’s Thesaurus

This entry was posted in James' Unwanted Guests, Six Nations 2013 and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

846 Responses to The Six Nations Concludeth: not Eddie Butler’s guide to surviving Week Five drink by drink

  1. killerline says:


    I’d still probably exercise caution in South Wales. South Landan I’ll just give them a slice of my awful Cockney accent and they can like it.

  2. karl1976 says:

    Cats are awake and demanding food, hence so am I…

    Will be there at about 1.30.

  3. karl1976 says:

    There were particularly rough areas of manchester and even rural lancashire where being a young male would see you in bother if you weren’t from there. I think this a common feature of rough areas the world over, they are generally distrustful of outsiders and the rougher the area, the more forcefully it manifests itself.

  4. yosoy says:

    I don’t understand a word of Welsh, but Jiffy seems far more sympathetic speaking in his own tongue than any time I’ve heard him on the BBC.

    He worked for S4C during the World Cup and was a mile better than he is on the Beeb.

  5. sagmog says:

    BOD the thug?

Comments are closed.