Paul Emerick Unplugged


Howdy y’all!

I’m kicking back with a six-pack of PBR here in Iowa. Those Limeys at Wasps sent me here to recover from the shoulder injury I got when I lost the tackling-the-squat-rack competition with Haskell.

Since that cheese-eating surrender monkey ref gave me that red card last summer Wasps told me I’m a liability and want to fine me if I get cited for the Eagles and can’t play for their reserves. Those Italian fuckers knew I was up their asses like a prickly pear all day long, even after that lardass Suniula got sent off for trying to copy my tackling style.

suniulaAs a senior player, and the toughest motherfucker on the team, I told that bubblebutt if he gets sent off on Uncle Sam’s time again I’ll shove it right back up his ass with a candle on it! I’m from Emmetsburg – where they make peanut butter – and if that Tongan fatboy has a problem with that I’m gonna open up a can and butter his butt with it. Hellyeah!

On a serious note y’all – discipline is a big deal in rugby. When motherfuckers start doing shit, the machine breaks down, and when the machine breaks down we break down – and I ain’t gonna allow that!

I should so be Eagles captain. That surf dude Todd is too soft for my liking. He’s like those politicians at the USRFU trying to fight this war with one hand tied ’round their balls.


Captain America? Captain Surf Dude!

Plus I heard the shit about Carlin Isles. Hell the boy runs as fast as a New York minute. But he better learn the ways of the Cactus or he ain’t gonna make it on any team I’m running. Shee-it!

carlinIf he ain’t benching at least 200 pounds I sure as fuck ain’t passing him the ball. That fucker’ll get us all killed.

I hope to fuck I’m back in Europe next year. I wanna truck right through that BOD motherfucker again.

See ya later, PLOD!

See ya later, BOD PLOD!

And that Barkley Limey needs another atomic piledriver!

Beyond the horizontal shmorizontal!

Beyond the horizontal shmorizontal, Ollie!

And I’m gonna be even more prepped by the time I’m running around pedal-to-the-metal again! I heard Ray Lewis got over his injury double time with that deer antler serum so I went out into the forest and Cactus-bodyslammed me a goddamn moose!





I ground his antlers into powder, mixed it with creatine and did some tackling practice on a big ol’ tree in the yard.


Moose antler serum + creatine = CACTUS TIME!

After re-conquering Europe I plan to finish my career at the Des Moines Destroyers – we’re gonna tear the Texas Queerhunters a new one in the Coors League. After that I’m gonna go into the UFC. Fuck yeah!

Anyway, my six-pack’s out, and I done bitten the cans open, but I got me a bottle of Crazy Goose and a few lines of moose horn to keep me going. Then I’m gonna upload videos of me jacking assholes onto Youtube.



Transcribed by Expro from text found scrawled on an antler-less moose’s arse

This entry was posted in James' Unwanted Guests and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

711 Responses to Paul Emerick Unplugged

  1. karl1976 says:

    It’s alright.

    He’ll be playing nerdy role playing games with imaginary friends on t’internet.

    Moral high ground is where its at.

  2. karl1976 says:

    Avs, blackadders 2 3 and 4 and the entirety of yes minister I know almost by heart.

  3. killerline says:

    ‘Security’ isn’t a dirty word Blackadder…

  4. avsfan says:

    Karl – stout fellow!

    For we Chermans, ze toilet iss a mundane, functionary item. For you English, ze basis of an entire culture!

  5. avsfan says:

    @ Killer – no, but ‘crevice’ is.

  6. sunbeamtim says:

    Archie- Greenwood , I agree . watching Espn classic on sunday , Tindall and Greenwood were a pretty useful combo . Not saying 36 is Greenwood , but i think Barritt could be pretty damn fine in the right circumstances . (young )Tindall /Greenwood good , Tindall with Noon/Abbott not so .

    Strictly , dont think anyone has been advocating wholesale changes , just areas that are cause for concern .

    I have just watched the match again , and it really looked closer than 30-3 . Some things stood out tho . A lot of England players are standing up in the tackle . Ashton does it repeatedly , but Owen was brushed off a couple of times too .Others as well .
    When Cuthbert scored the first try , Brown was not skinned , he was covering a 3-1 , and closed down the first two .Where were the others ?
    For all the individual tackle counts , we just stood off the rucks and let the welsh pick and go time and time again . Edwards1 Farrell 0
    The pack is having problems in the set piece , and has all season . looked better near the end with Lawes and Hartley . Its dire , and is probably a combination of no 8 , locks and hooker , but i dont think the props are getting any coordinated power from behind at all .
    Owens restarts where shite .
    The Taffs were fucking fantastic , across the board .
    Walsh was a twat , particularly in the second half . Didnt affect the end result , but he was a twat all the same .

  7. sunbeamtim says:

    Might also add , that for the first try , when the ball squirted out the side of a ruck , LFB stood there waving his arms at the ref like Liverpools finest , while Tipuric dived on the ball and got on with winning the game .

  8. avsfan says:

    Might also add , that for the first try , when the ball squirted out the side of a ruck , LFB stood there waving his arms at the ref like Liverpools finest , while Tipuric dived on the ball and got on with winning the game .

    Good call. LFB isn’t the only one guilty of this, unfortunately. Far too many refs on the field nowadays. Perhaps a penalty or card fore repeat offenders.

  9. Archie says:

    @ sunbeam,

    I’d love another Greenwood! 🙂

    I think at the scrum the lack of a number 8 to control the timing and handling (never mind the hard yards) combined with Lanuchbury Parling being quite a lightweight second row didn’t help. Walsh didn’t help — did he ever come round to Jones’s side of the scrum even? — but it made little difference. Lessons for a hooker and a LH both with about 10 caps!

    Good point about the tackle positions, and I agree with you about Brown too.

    Croft was poor.

  10. sunbeamtim says:

    Sorry for being all serious there while you lot have moved on , Im off to count out the coppers for HMVs big buy one get one free clearance sale tomorrow .. Hopefully a fistful of rubbish 70s and 80s rock cds will improve my feeling of emptiness .

  11. avsfan says:

    Sorry for being all serious there while you lot have moved on

    You haven’t been paying much attention to Killer then. He had to be talked back from the cliff edge a few times today. And they say machines have no feeling.

  12. saltysam says:

    @Archie … but why would the ref want to go around to Jones’ side of the scrum anyway? Except perhaps to pick up a couple of pointers on how to play at tighthead, maybe…

  13. killerline says:

    Aye Sunbeam’s tougher than me. I haven’t brought myself to watching it again yet.

  14. killerline says:

    Wait.. 70s and 80s rock CDs?

  15. killerline says:

    Wait… “talked back from the cliff”? When do you do owt but prod me in the direction of said cliff brother?

  16. killerline says:

    I dedicate this steal to AWJ: my new favourite player.

  17. yesiamclutz says:

    Reverse psychology killer

  18. yesiamclutz says:

    Mines Justin Tippuric, may he keep Sam the Twat out of the Wales 7 shirt for many years to come.

  19. killerline says:

    Tipuric chose the right time to look all mobile and footballish for sure Clutz.

    He’s no AWJ, but still good.

  20. avsfan says:

    I have just watched the match again , and it really looked closer than 30-3 .

    Now there’s a ‘glass half full’ kind of guy.

    In the words of my Muse: That’s the spirit George. If nothing else works, then a total pig-headed unwillingness to look facts in the face will get us through.

  21. avsfan says:

    He’s no AWJ, but still good.


  22. killerline says:

    @AVS I’d not troll our Tim; when we met him he was drinking ale out of some dude’s skull.

  23. killerline says:

    @AVS I’d not troll our Tim; when we met him he was drinking ale out of some dude’s skull.

    ‘Course he’s not AWJ-hard, but no one is. Ever.

  24. avsfan says:

    So he’s a ‘skull half full’ kind of guy is what you are saying.

    AWJ’s new moniker is hereby Yardstick.

  25. killerline says:


    I like that an awful lot.

  26. avsfan says:

    By any stretch, Heaslip, for example, just doesn’t measure up.

  27. killerline says:

    He’s not as tall, not as Welsh, he’s fucking nowhere to be found.

  28. yesiamclutz says:


    I dunno, Jim Hamilton is one scary looking bastard, all the wild armed flailing and crazy eyes at oppo line out time combined with being bloody huge I think it is.

  29. laraxwell says:

    The passion of the home sides in Cardiff and Rome far exceeded anything England or Ireland could muster. Once I saw Lo Cicero welling up for the anthems I thought our number was up. There was a huge difference also in the vocality of the home fans in Rome and Dublin the week before; our team and it’s fans have been mute almost all tournament -an unusual symbiosis for us Irish.
    G Thornley applauds the Irish reaction to on field injury and adversity Italy? Sure the injuries have done us but even after the surreal first 30 minutes in Rome, we still had the players capable of pulling us through. The game was strange and the tournament has been a huge anticlimax after the Argentina and Welsh games.
    I’ve never seen such ill temper from the players. O’ Driscoll is tough..sometimes reckless and close to the edge (eg hit on Roussow) He went too far on Saturday. Healy before him? -not like him. Strange Red mist sensations in a season when they brought in a sports psychologist -Enda McNulty. Perhaps it’s too facile to moot a stale coaching ticket…poor captaincy calls etc.
    should have won by more. I am glad for them. If pushed I’d venture Zanni as my player of the tournament.
    I think the English posters have been too down beat. Think back on the number we did on you in Dublin 2011. You had just sqeezed a victory v Scotland but the manner of that victory may have shackled confidence. We were ready for you…I was there and the din we made in the Aviva hasn’t been replicated since. The players reacted. Similar parallels to Saturday. Italy almost had you a week ago…must have unsetlled travelling English nerves.
    Welsh fans..evening kick off..closed roof -augmented noise. What a passionate reaction from the home players.
    England went on to beat us badly last year..players were hurt in Dublin..had points to prove.
    Passion is a huge factor in the game of rugby

  30. avsfan says:

    I dunno, Jim Hamilton is one scary looking bastard, all the wild armed flailing and crazy eyes

    Sounds like most Scotsmen I’ve met, actually.

    The Yardstick’s arms are bigger than most men’s tree trunks.

  31. laraxwell says:

    @Claw -7/2 for Les Kiss to be promoted is a worry
    Gert Smal too has presided over a malfunctioning lineout.
    Les Kiss has been responsible for our attack this year (originally pulled in for defence)
    A Foley has worked on defence
    Our defence and eventual blooding of new players has been the silver lining for me

    @Archie -Paul O’ Connell got through 40 minutes work last tuesday. Too early to talk Lions but one can hope!

  32. yesiamclutz says:


    I’d wager we won’t be seeing Lancaster agreeing to play at the Millenium Stadium with the roof closed again anytime soon.

  33. Borderboy says:

    Tim – nowt rubbish about 70s and 80s rock (my collection is full of it) – although it may depend on what you’re buying. One person’s AC/DC is someone else’s Smiths, if I can put it like that.

  34. laraxwell says:

    Wales caught England cold no doubt but the Lion’s XV selections doing the rounds are a massive over reaction.

  35. killerline says:


    we’re humans on he internet. Without massive over reactions there isn’t much left to post after the platitudes and cock jokes run out.

  36. laraxwell says:

    Wil there be a BTL meet writeup?
    Who came?
    Any surprises?
    How many pints did RoS get through?
    How long did night go on?
    Did you venture from Colliers?
    Did killer make a good impression on the Claws?
    Why does sunbeam drink out of a skull?
    Does Karl have dirty pictures in his wallet?
    Does Meades have a brutalist complexion?

  37. killerline says:


    RoS is doing a write up apparently.

    I wouldn’t expect too much, he couldn’t remember the Scotland game or even who they were playing against. None of us could.

  38. laraxwell says:


  39. killerline says:

    No need to shout brother.

  40. meadesian says:

    A brutalist complexion? How very dare you.

  41. laraxwell says:

    you just have post boozy blues killer
    you’ll be fine tomorrow
    and Lawes will be the best thing ever
    ‘cept AWJ mind

  42. ClydeMillerWynant says:

    Of course it wasn’t just the eleventh best British lock though. Very good day for some of this site’s villains. Cuthbert, Phillips, Warburton all had fantastic games along with AWJ. Howley will doubtless have to take some credit too I guess. There were even as yet unconfirmed sightings of world-class Welsh hookers…

  43. laraxwell says:

    Well I certainly feel better about Howley’s role with the Lions now

  44. ClydeMillerWynant says:

    Would like to say a very big thankyou to all on this site for making the Six Nations even more enjoyable than I’ve found it in the past. The stuff ATL has been phenomenal. Particularly enjoyed Claw’s Butler series, but the standard has been great across the board.

  45. laraxwell says:

    ah Meades..exterior..I meant exterior
    jaw hewn from concrete…angular..raw belying a softer disposition etc

  46. meadesian says:

    My disposition was very soft by the end of the night Lara, that’s for sure.

  47. ElSuavo says:

    Disposition, datposition, all very soft after that amount of beers. I trust Mrs Meades wasn’t too disappointed.

  48. raceofstalwarts says:

    heres my fucking write up. everyone was alright. Alright in the northern sense too.

    karl, yes minister, blackaddder and red dwarf s1-6 all in the bank.

  49. killerline says:

    Great write up RoS.

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