I’m kicking back with a six-pack of PBR here in Iowa. Those Limeys at Wasps sent me here to recover from the shoulder injury I got when I lost the tackling-the-squat-rack competition with Haskell.
Since that cheese-eating surrender monkey ref gave me that red card last summer Wasps told me I’m a liability and want to fine me if I get cited for the Eagles and can’t play for their reserves. Those Italian fuckers knew I was up their asses like a prickly pear all day long, even after that lardass Suniula got sent off for trying to copy my tackling style.
As a senior player, and the toughest motherfucker on the team, I told that bubblebutt if he gets sent off on Uncle Sam’s time again I’ll shove it right back up his ass with a candle on it! I’m from Emmetsburg – where they make peanut butter – and if that Tongan fatboy has a problem with that I’m gonna open up a can and butter his butt with it. Hellyeah!
On a serious note y’all – discipline is a big deal in rugby. When motherfuckers start doing shit, the machine breaks down, and when the machine breaks down we break down – and I ain’t gonna allow that!
I should so be Eagles captain. That surf dude Todd is too soft for my liking. He’s like those politicians at the USRFU trying to fight this war with one hand tied ’round their balls.
Plus I heard the shit about Carlin Isles. Hell the boy runs as fast as a New York minute. But he better learn the ways of the Cactus or he ain’t gonna make it on any team I’m running. Shee-it!
I hope to fuck I’m back in Europe next year. I wanna truck right through that BOD motherfucker again.
And that Barkley Limey needs another atomic piledriver!
And I’m gonna be even more prepped by the time I’m running around pedal-to-the-metal again! I heard Ray Lewis got over his injury double time with that deer antler serum so I went out into the forest and Cactus-bodyslammed me a goddamn moose!
I ground his antlers into powder, mixed it with creatine and did some tackling practice on a big ol’ tree in the yard.
After re-conquering Europe I plan to finish my career at the Des Moines Destroyers – we’re gonna tear the Texas Queerhunters a new one in the Coors League. After that I’m gonna go into the UFC. Fuck yeah!
Anyway, my six-pack’s out, and I done bitten the cans open, but I got me a bottle of Crazy Goose and a few lines of moose horn to keep me going. Then I’m gonna upload videos of me jacking assholes onto Youtube.
Transcribed by Expro from text found scrawled on an antler-less moose’s arse