Sweet Chariot Academy Head Master’s Report – Spring Term 2013

Dr S. Lancaster, Head Master, P.E. (Hons)

Dear Parents

I am delighted to bring you this Spring Term Report as Head Master of the Sweet Chariot Academy. This represents the completion of my first year as Head of this venerable institution.

Sweet Chariot Academy
Founded: 1871
Motto: Discipline, Teamwork, For Christ Sake Get The Pill To Manu

Upon appointment, I committed to address the teamwork and discipline issues affecting the school under its previous leadership. The school’s motto was changed from Freedom, Dwarf-Tossing, Defence to Discipline, Teamwork, For Christ Sake Get The Pill to Manu. I trust you will agree this motto reflects both desirable values for our boys to aspire to and our only chance of breaking open a defence.

This year, we welcomed Professor Catt to the school, taking up the post of Head of Science.

Prof. M. Catt, V.C. for only figuratively pooing himself against J. Lomu

He joined our existing leadership team of Dr Rowntree, Head of Engineering, and Professor Farrell, Head of Humanities (Flat Cap, Racing Pigeon & Whippet Stream). We also welcomed a number of new boys into the school, and in particular I would like to congratulate Twelvetrees and Vunipola Major on gaining 5 GCSEs in their first term. Twelvetrees has been awarded both the School Prize for Attack and Matron’s Valium Prize for anxiety over so rarely getting to practise his skill in a Test match.

Looking back over the year, we made solid academic progress but did not meet all of our objectives. During the summer, Professor Catt and Dr Rowntree led a combined History and Geography field trip to South Africa. We were able to take some boys from the junior school on their first overseas school trip.

The absence of urinals befuddled some of the juniors only briefly

I am very pleased to say there was a notable improvement in discipline from previous school trips and no boys had to be grounded or sent home.

Sacrificing the squad’s Boot Studder left us short-staffed but it proved an effective disciplinary advisory

We hoped our trip would lay the foundation for the boys’ eforts during the Autumn Term. Our Autumn Term curriculum covered Colonies of the Southern Hemisphere. Our boys excelled in the New Zealand and Fiji modules, but some boys struggled with the Australia and South Africa modules, as a result of which extra homework was set and hot water was removed from the showers.

In the Spring Term we moved onto combined Engineering and Languages of Western Europe. Our Head Boy Robshaw and Deputy Head Boy Wood excelled themselves in most of the tests but I regret to say none of the boys passed the Baccalaureate as there was a mass failure on the final paper.

Prof. Catt looked for someone else to blame for not getting the pill to Manu for Christ sake

Additionally there were some individual difficulties with the French and Italian language sections. Those boys on final warning will receive their letters dismissing them from school shortly, whilst the remaining boys will be invited to repeat the year and we wish them all success. Or else.

Finally, I need to make you aware of the plans for the summer recess. We have invited the Head of the neighbouring Cymru Academy to take some of our boys on an Engineering trip to Australia. Dr Rowntree and Professor Farrell have kindly agreed to accompany those boys selected for this tour.

Prof. Farrell’s whippets contemplate the long flight ahead of them

All other boys will be offered a Languages trip to Argentina led by Professor Catt and myself. All boys should assemble in the school quad on 1st June where they will be allocated to one or other tour group. Parents should advise the school of any preference.

We understand that the Australia trip is likely to be the most popular and therefore over-subscribed, thus we cannot guarantee that all boys will receive their first-choice tours. Furthermore, we are advised that first preference for the Australian tour will be allocated to boys from the Cymru Academy.

Yours sincerely

Dr S. Lancaster, P.E. (Hons)

Found on the ground by Coddfish while behind the Sweet Chariot Academy bike shed having a smoke