Sweet Chariot Academy Head Master’s Report – Spring Term 2013

Dr S. Lancaster, Head Master, P.E. (Hons)

Dr S. Lancaster, Head Master, P.E. (Hons)

Dear Parents

I am delighted to bring you this Spring Term Report as Head Master of the Sweet Chariot Academy. This represents the completion of my first year as Head of this venerable institution.

Sweet Chariot Academy Founded: 1871 Motto:

Sweet Chariot Academy
Founded: 1871
Motto: Discipline, Teamwork, For Christ Sake Get The Pill To Manu

Upon appointment, I committed to address the teamwork and discipline issues affecting the school under its previous leadership. The school’s motto was changed from Freedom, Dwarf-Tossing, Defence to Discipline, Teamwork, For Christ Sake Get The Pill to Manu. I trust you will agree this motto reflects both desirable values for our boys to aspire to and our only chance of breaking open a defence.

This year, we welcomed Professor Catt to the school, taking up the post of Head of Science.

Prof. M. Catt

Prof. M. Catt, V.C. for only figuratively pooing himself against J. Lomu

He joined our existing leadership team of Dr Rowntree, Head of Engineering, and Professor Farrell, Head of Humanities (Flat Cap, Racing Pigeon & Whippet Stream). We also welcomed a number of new boys into the school, and in particular I would like to congratulate Twelvetrees and Vunipola Major on gaining 5 GCSEs in their first term. Twelvetrees has been awarded both the School Prize for Attack and Matron’s Valium Prize for anxiety over so rarely getting to practise his skill in a Test match.

Looking back over the year, we made solid academic progress but did not meet all of our objectives. During the summer, Professor Catt and Dr Rowntree led a combined History and Geography field trip to South Africa. We were able to take some boys from the junior school on their first overseas school trip.

bbb

The absence of urinals befuddled some of the juniors only briefly

I am very pleased to say there was a notable improvement in discipline from previous school trips and no boys had to be grounded or sent home.

sac

Sacrificing the squad’s Boot Studder left us short-staffed but it proved an effective disciplinary advisory

We hoped our trip would lay the foundation for the boys’ eforts during the Autumn Term. Our Autumn Term curriculum covered Colonies of the Southern Hemisphere. Our boys excelled in the New Zealand and Fiji modules, but some boys struggled with the Australia and South Africa modules, as a result of which extra homework was set and hot water was removed from the showers.

In the Spring Term we moved onto combined Engineering and Languages of Western Europe. Our Head Boy Robshaw and Deputy Head Boy Wood excelled themselves in most of the tests but I regret to say none of the boys passed the Baccalaureate as there was a mass failure on the final paper.

Péro

Prof. Catt looked for someone else to blame for not getting the pill to Manu for Christ sake

Additionally there were some individual difficulties with the French and Italian language sections. Those boys on final warning will receive their letters dismissing them from school shortly, whilst the remaining boys will be invited to repeat the year and we wish them all success. Or else.

floggingFinally, I need to make you aware of the plans for the summer recess. We have invited the Head of the neighbouring Cymru Academy to take some of our boys on an Engineering trip to Australia. Dr Rowntree and Professor Farrell have kindly agreed to accompany those boys selected for this tour.

Prof

Prof. Farrell’s whippets contemplate the long flight ahead of them

All other boys will be offered a Languages trip to Argentina led by Professor Catt and myself. All boys should assemble in the school quad on 1st June where they will be allocated to one or other tour group. Parents should advise the school of any preference.

We understand that the Australia trip is likely to be the most popular and therefore over-subscribed, thus we cannot guarantee that all boys will receive their first-choice tours. Furthermore, we are advised that first preference for the Australian tour will be allocated to boys from the Cymru Academy.

Yours sincerely

Dr S. Lancaster, P.E. (Hons)

Found on the ground by Coddfish while behind the Sweet Chariot Academy bike shed having a smoke

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680 Responses to Sweet Chariot Academy Head Master’s Report – Spring Term 2013

  1. killerline says:

    Hey it’s all coming back to me.

    You were forcing fop music into my ears at 1000AM.

  2. killerline says:

    Humans = vicious murderous bastards who all need to be neutered and robots really need to get away from the attraction to..

    FIFY

  3. Droptheclaw says:

    Belle and Sebastian are the kings of fop music. Even murderous cats love them, and Belle was a dog.

  4. Baldy says:

    Claw – it’s actually the little bits which are more impressive, fight sciences with lots if blokes easy, shooting car windscreens, jumping from moving cars , falling down holes etc lot harder to shoot low budget and on steady cam/head cam in that way are a lot harder to pull off ..

    (So I’m told..)

  5. killerline says:

    3 weeks for O’Driscoll, I missed that.

    If it was Ashton they’d have torn off his skin and made him live in Leeds.

  6. Droptheclaw says:

    Baldy – yes indeed, no doubt that’s much more difficult to organise, but that scene and the dog through the window scene just made me laugh, the rest of the stuff is more in the ‘chapeau, lads’ field.

  7. raceofstalwarts says:

    Great vid.

  8. Baldy says:

    Killer – humans have conservation programmes..

    Cats just kill everything.

    That is the stupidest, shittest, most childish and most common response to this very real issue..

    Humans are responsible for killing shut loads of stuff… one method through which we are responsible is through breeding, feeding, encouraging and keeping this vicious fluffy little bastards just cos they are cute.

    Humans are bad, we need to address all the areas through which we are encouraging the massacring of wildlife…

    Seriously, we could all live without cats, the world would be awful with significantly less birds.

  9. Baldy says:

    Claw – dog through the window is another great scene!

    Genius the whole way through tbh..

  10. meadesian says:

    Killer, Ashton’s from Wigan remember. Even in your lowly opinion of the place, Leeds has to count as a step up from Wigan.

  11. raceofstalwarts says:

    RSPBaldy?

  12. killerline says:

    Baldy we’re apparently sentient being with concepts like compassion, empathy. Cats are just cats. You’ve seen one before right?

    How many humans have been deleted from existence over arguments over which supernatural figure is the true god? Millions.
    Cats would laugh at that if they could. But they can’t.

    Ah well, we have conservation programmes (we really don’t. Not in any meaningful sense).

  13. killerline says:

    @Meades

    I quite liked Wigan…

  14. elsnoopio says:

    Most of the wildlife killed by cats in the UK are mice.
    We’ve still got plenty of mice around despite that, we’d be knee deep in them without cats… which would have a massive knock on effect on the environment.

    http://www.examiner.com/article/environmental-impact-what-happens-when-cats-are-eradicated

    ‘snot so simple. Never is.

  15. elsnoopio says:

    @Meades

    Killer, Ashton’s from Wigan remember. Even in your lowly opinion of the place, Leeds has to count as a step up from Wigan.

    I’ve been to Wigan, very briefly, once and Leeds twice.
    Leeds has shopping centres, Wigan has good pies.
    Wigan, sadly, wins.

    Science that is.

  16. meadesian says:

    @Killer. Yeah, but as someone who’s spent time in Hull and Gateshead, you would.

  17. meadesian says:

    Leeds has some very fine pies also Snoop. Prize-winning pies.

    And Leeds has breweries. Epicentre of the micro-brewery revolution, by eck.

  18. killerline says:

    @Meades

    Fair point.

  19. meadesian says:

    Actually Killer it’s not entirely fair, not least because I’ve got loads of time for Hull these days.

    Do you remember our conversation about the former vicar of Anlaby?

  20. RedWyrm says:

    It only takes one cat to commit genocide (c.f. “Tibbles” the cat, on Stephens Wren Island). Case closed.

    (Full disclosure: I actually don’t mind cats, I’m just very aware that they’re selfish, vicious predatory little fuckers.)

  21. killerline says:

    Ha how could I forget old boy…

  22. killerline says:

    Whew, I was just about to say “we need Wyrm’s thoughts to get this rolling”.

  23. RedWyrm says:

    Cats would laugh at that if they could. But they can’t.

    Just because they don’t let you catch them, doesn’t mean they aren’t at it.

  24. RedWyrm says:

    Whew, I was just about to say “we need Wyrm’s thoughts to get this rolling”.

    I’m flattered to be in your thoughts (algorithms?), Killer.

  25. killerline says:

    True. They’re deadpan. Like small, furry AVSs.

  26. yesiamclutz says:

    @Wyrm,

    Been reading up through the blog, just got to your link to the Independent article on English Flare.

    I now what to inflict physical violence on something. I couldn’t even read the article to the end. What the fuck sort of incoherent blithering bollocks is that about. Fucknuts, I’m in a foul mood now.

    Bloody stupid article.

  27. craigsman says:

    Come on Expro. We all need companionship once in a while.

  28. elsnoopio says:

    @Meades

    Leeds has some very fine pies also Snoop. Prize-winning pies.

    And Leeds has breweries. Epicentre of the micro-brewery revolution, by eck.

    Sorry but I can’t allow second hand evidence to corrupt my carefully constructed scientific study.
    I’m afraid I have to ignore those factors.

  29. killerline says:

    Clutz, which article? Why are you so angry about the words another human commits to a page?

    Let it slide brother.

  30. yesiamclutz says:

    Or English flair, as opposed to the pyrotechnic signalling devices perhaps.

  31. avsfan says:

    True. They’re deadpan. Like small, furry AVSs.

    I don’t understand.

  32. RedWyrm says:

    Been reading up through the blog, just got to your link to the Independent article on English Flare.

    I shouldn’t have linked it, really. The article is full of hateful shite. In my defence, I linked it out of incredulity in a “they pay people to write this” sense.

  33. killerline says:

    @Craigs I think he fled. But he’ll be back. Be ready.

  34. yesiamclutz says:

    @killer,

    I very very rarely get worked up by articles in newspapers and the like, but for some reason this one really got on my goat. Some lackwit in the Independent thinks that Wales has loads of players who have innate out of the box Rugby brains, whilst all England can EVER do is bosh.

  35. meadesian says:

    Expro has his python for companionship, Craigsman.

    Sorry to all for bringing that up again.

  36. avsfan says:

    Are you guys for real liking that video, or am I missing something?

  37. killerline says:

    Clutz I hear you.

    How have you got through the 6 Nations alive?

  38. killerline says:

    Oh THAT one.

    I read that. Definitely balanced and true, every word.

  39. RedWyrm says:

    I very very rarely get worked up by articles in newspapers and the like, but for some reason this one really got on my goat.

    I don’t link them that often, but now I’ve linked it twice (shit). It’s written by (I just checked) the “Chief Sports Writer for The Independent and Sports Journalist of the Year 2011.” Which is pretty damning when you think about it.

  40. RedWyrm says:

    Jesus, he’s got another one comparing the game to the Foreman-Frazier fight. Well, what a prize dong that man is.

  41. avsfan says:

    I’m not sure that article is worth getting worked up about. The result against the ABs kind of shoots his whole argument down in flames.

  42. craigsman says:

    Killer/Meades – he’s lurking. I can sense it. I’ll charm him, just you wait. Just you wait.

  43. avsfan says:

    Well, what a prize dong that man is.

    Cue expro – that’s one of his key words.

  44. killerline says:

    @AVS

    KIll>”…cats could laugh if they could, but they can’t”.
    Wyrm>”Just because they don’t let you catch them, doesn’t mean they aren’t at it.”
    Kill>”They’re deadpan like small, furry AVSs” (you’re always claiming this).
    AVS>”What’s happening, who took my false teeth?”.

  45. yesiamclutz says:

    @killer,

    Nah I was fine during the 6N, like I say, most of the time this stuff just washes over me.

  46. RedWyrm says:

    For me, it’s not the article per se (as it’s unjustifiably complementary about my team) and more that it seems to be indicative of an increasing trend in sports journalism towards writing to elicit page hits and angry reactions. Or is that just rose tinted glasses looking back at my youth?

  47. craigsman says:

    Avs – Is the word ‘man’?

  48. RedWyrm says:

    Cue expro – that’s one of his key words.

    He couldn’t be brazen enough to be summoned by the word “dong”, could he? That’s just about the creepiest idea for a genie I’ve ever heard.

  49. killerline says:

    @Wyrm it’s been the case in the Guardian across the board recently.

    Some incredible stuff’s been published just this year, primarily to elicit a response.

  50. avsfan says:

    Killer – +1

  51. True. They’re deadpan. Like small, furry AVSs.

    What makes you so certain that Avs isn’t small and furry as well? He is from New Zealand, hobbits and all that.

  52. RedWyrm says:

    Well I don’t like it, nosirree. Anyway, busy day tomorrow, so will bid you gentlemen goodnight. Toodles!

  53. killerline says:

    @FD

    even if the lad’s 4 foot tall and hirsute, your average mog is still going to out do him on these attributes.

  54. avsfan says:

    Just to make sure I’ve got it though, I’ll apply some Sir Bedevere logic:

    If cats can’t laugh……then…….while they are trying to run away……..they are really……looking out for things to steal…so………I should brush my teeth more often……..like a duck!

  55. killerline says:

    He might be more deadpan than a cat too. That’s the one we we’re not sure about…

  56. avsfan says:

    What makes you so certain that Avs isn’t small and furry as well? He is from New Zealand, hobbits and all that.

    Another thing we share in common with our Welsh brethren, then.

  57. even if the lad’s 4 foot tall and hirsute, your average mog is still going to out do him on these attributes.

    Cats are small in England? In Australia they are well over 4 feet long. And poisonous of course, all our animals are poisonous.

  58. killerline says:

    Cats are poisonous? And beer’s served in sub-pint schooners?

    Maybe I wouldn’t survive…

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