Sweet Chariot Academy Head Master’s Report – Spring Term 2013

Dr S. Lancaster, Head Master, P.E. (Hons)

Dr S. Lancaster, Head Master, P.E. (Hons)

Dear Parents

I am delighted to bring you this Spring Term Report as Head Master of the Sweet Chariot Academy. This represents the completion of my first year as Head of this venerable institution.

Sweet Chariot Academy Founded: 1871 Motto:

Sweet Chariot Academy
Founded: 1871
Motto: Discipline, Teamwork, For Christ Sake Get The Pill To Manu

Upon appointment, I committed to address the teamwork and discipline issues affecting the school under its previous leadership. The school’s motto was changed from Freedom, Dwarf-Tossing, Defence to Discipline, Teamwork, For Christ Sake Get The Pill to Manu. I trust you will agree this motto reflects both desirable values for our boys to aspire to and our only chance of breaking open a defence.

This year, we welcomed Professor Catt to the school, taking up the post of Head of Science.

Prof. M. Catt

Prof. M. Catt, V.C. for only figuratively pooing himself against J. Lomu

He joined our existing leadership team of Dr Rowntree, Head of Engineering, and Professor Farrell, Head of Humanities (Flat Cap, Racing Pigeon & Whippet Stream). We also welcomed a number of new boys into the school, and in particular I would like to congratulate Twelvetrees and Vunipola Major on gaining 5 GCSEs in their first term. Twelvetrees has been awarded both the School Prize for Attack and Matron’s Valium Prize for anxiety over so rarely getting to practise his skill in a Test match.

Looking back over the year, we made solid academic progress but did not meet all of our objectives. During the summer, Professor Catt and Dr Rowntree led a combined History and Geography field trip to South Africa. We were able to take some boys from the junior school on their first overseas school trip.


The absence of urinals befuddled some of the juniors only briefly

I am very pleased to say there was a notable improvement in discipline from previous school trips and no boys had to be grounded or sent home.


Sacrificing the squad’s Boot Studder left us short-staffed but it proved an effective disciplinary advisory

We hoped our trip would lay the foundation for the boys’ eforts during the Autumn Term. Our Autumn Term curriculum covered Colonies of the Southern Hemisphere. Our boys excelled in the New Zealand and Fiji modules, but some boys struggled with the Australia and South Africa modules, as a result of which extra homework was set and hot water was removed from the showers.

In the Spring Term we moved onto combined Engineering and Languages of Western Europe. Our Head Boy Robshaw and Deputy Head Boy Wood excelled themselves in most of the tests but I regret to say none of the boys passed the Baccalaureate as there was a mass failure on the final paper.


Prof. Catt looked for someone else to blame for not getting the pill to Manu for Christ sake

Additionally there were some individual difficulties with the French and Italian language sections. Those boys on final warning will receive their letters dismissing them from school shortly, whilst the remaining boys will be invited to repeat the year and we wish them all success. Or else.

floggingFinally, I need to make you aware of the plans for the summer recess. We have invited the Head of the neighbouring Cymru Academy to take some of our boys on an Engineering trip to Australia. Dr Rowntree and Professor Farrell have kindly agreed to accompany those boys selected for this tour.


Prof. Farrell’s whippets contemplate the long flight ahead of them

All other boys will be offered a Languages trip to Argentina led by Professor Catt and myself. All boys should assemble in the school quad on 1st June where they will be allocated to one or other tour group. Parents should advise the school of any preference.

We understand that the Australia trip is likely to be the most popular and therefore over-subscribed, thus we cannot guarantee that all boys will receive their first-choice tours. Furthermore, we are advised that first preference for the Australian tour will be allocated to boys from the Cymru Academy.

Yours sincerely

Dr S. Lancaster, P.E. (Hons)

Found on the ground by Coddfish while behind the Sweet Chariot Academy bike shed having a smoke

This entry was posted in James' Unwanted Guests and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

680 Responses to Sweet Chariot Academy Head Master’s Report – Spring Term 2013

  1. MisterIks says:


    Hope you don’t foam at the mouth when talking about cats. Gibberish is one thing, but rabid gibberish may result in quarantine and an injection to end the madness.

    The authentic MisterIks has a soulmate – Little Miss Minnie Minx – and a grouchy old rival, Oskar Kokoschka. If you anti-catters carry on I will be compelled to ask my Mrs how to share pictures of said moggies on here. Photos that would melt even a killer’s metallic heart.

    And all things are relative. Our domesticated cats and the local city rooftop birds cohabit pretty well. Mature birds have no problems outsmarting / avoiding cats, although you have to keep an eye out for fledglings fresh out of the nest. We had a pair of blackbirds nesting on our terrace / balcony last year which is basically only the size of a very narrow cricket pitch but with loads of plants and foliage. One parent bird incubated the eggs, while the other flew about occupying the cats.

    When the birds hatched we put up a bit of netting to stop the cats getting to the nest, and kept the cats indoors during the few days when the fledgling birds left the nest to hop about a bit before flying off. It was a bit of a pain, but no big deal all in all.

    Christ that’s a long post. No doubt you’ve all moved on to fresh topics like the scrum and England’s squad to tour Argentina.

  2. yesiamclutz says:

    I’m off, later all.

  3. And beer’s served in sub-pint schooners?

    They also generally lack sufficient hops and flavor. I wouldn’t recommend moving to Australia for the beer.

  4. killerline says:

    Iks! Everyone’s had such good timing today.

    More cats.

  5. avsfan says:

    We have a pair of waxeyes that nest in the fir tree in our front yard. The fuckers start to dive bomb you if you get within thirty feet. I even built a ster ladder so our fat, lazy cat could get up into the tree without raising a sweat and take care of the bastards, but it just sat there, looked at its food dish, and meowed.

  6. killerline says:

    Man vs Waxeye vs Cat vs Ladder.

    That story had everything necessary to hold Killer’s interest AVS.

  7. MisterIks says:

    Killer – I’ll keep the cute-cat-pics on standby should you enter another trough of despond spawned by drink and rugby.

    When is the Lions squad announced again?

  8. avsfan says:

    When is the Lions squad announced again?

    It has been delayed – Gatland was last seen being carried off by a cat, four feet long, with false teeth and a bad case of halitosis.

  9. MisterIks says:

    AVS – the local blue tits drop by now and again just to fly rings around the cats. They even flap against the widows and look through the glass directly in front of the chattering-jawed cats on the inside.

    (Killer – I decided not to correct ‘widows’ because I thought the image might briefly entertain you once the Tale of the Waxeyes and Ladder had run its course).

  10. avsfan says:

    Iks – you are channelling expro again.

  11. MisterIks says:

    Two nights on the trot I’ve killed the blog. Still, there’s no point in flapping against the widows, so I’ll say goodnight and take my leave.

  12. MisterIks says:

    Arf arf, AVS!

  13. avsfan says:

    Night MisterIks.

  14. avsfan says:

    Night all. Excellent banter once again. Big Lancaster all round.

  15. meadesian says:

    Morning all.

  16. daffodane says:

    Poor old Steve Walsh I say. After some good 6N performances, without complaints he puts in a solid one and now he’s pilloried for being anti-English?

    Watched the game twice now and I don’t really see where he gives any disadvantage to England except maybe until the last 10 mins when England had changed two thirds of their front row and brought Lawes on at lock. Not what you want to be doing against a pack that had been pretty dominant against previous opponents this 6N.

    1st Pen in a dangerous position v Marler for not rolling away, a bit suspect, but he’s laying down a marker. 1/2p kicks it.
    1st Scrum free kick to ENG, has a word with A.Jones
    2nd Pen in dangerous position v BFB not rolling away again, a bit dodgy. 1/2p kicks it.
    3rd Pen in dangerous position v Warbs, dragging, fair call. Faz kicks it.
    4th Pen Pen in dangerous position v BFB scrum collapse, marginal. 1/2p kicks it
    5th Pen in dangerous position v Dr Roberts, not rolling away, spot on, Faz miss!
    6th pen Pen in dangerous position v A.Jones Scrum infringement, don’t know. Faz kicks for corner, ENG overthrow lineout.
    31min SW good look at himself on TV screen
    33min Tipuric charge down. Tips raises his elbow to give Goode a tickler, might have got a penalty against.
    39min LFB still delaying put ins F/k SW has a word with him.

    2nd Half
    7th Pen (43min) in dangerous position v Marler dropping scrum, fair call. 1/2p kicks it
    44min Vunipola on for Marler SW has a talk with him.
    44min scrum drops SW has a word with BFB
    45min Pen against Vunipola for going straight down, fair call.
    8th Pen in dangerous position v LFB for offside, fair call. 1/2p kicks it.
    56min Good turn over by Ken Owens, play on, Cuthbert scores try.
    Got bored of analysing SW performence from here as there was little wrong with it.
    59min Faz misses pen
    Wales score 2nd try and Bigger gets DG.
    62min Pen in dangerous position v Cole for binding arm, Biggar kicks it.
    Last 8mins lots of changes to personnel, lots of scrum F/K’s and pens game loses shape, nothing obvious what SW is doing wrong?

  17. craigsman says:

    I’ve woken up with a Giant Lancaster this morning.

  18. dermott says:

    Morning all. You might want to repost that on the new blog, daff. Bound to cause some discussion.

    New blog up, folks:


Comments are closed.