The SUNDAY Hask – March 24th 2013

Twickenham_Stadium_-_May_2012_UFO copyInside this week’s SUNDAY Hask, your go-to Sabbath Red Top round-up of all things rugby, sometimes factual but more likely entirely invented in order to boost circulation:

ROWNTREE SHOCK UFO CLAIM OVER EMBRASSING ENGLAND GS FLOP; SHOCK POTENTIAL SOLUTION TO ENGLAND 8 BLACK HOLE; EMBRA NOT SO EMBRASSING NOW; POC VIP ASAP FOR LIONS; TREVISO DO ITALIAN JOB ON BLUE BLUES; BEALE BOPS BUDDY IN BOKLAND

England forwards coach Graham Rowntree rocked the rugby universe to its foundations with a shocking claim that aliens had invaded the England squad.

“I snapped a picture [above] on my iPad of a mysterious object hovering above Twickenham during the game against Italy. It disturbed me enormously. It’s now my view that the Danny Care and Toby Flood who played against Italy were, in fact, aliens. I sat up on Saturday night and watched the [Wales] game again forensically,” the 41-year-old pair of cauliflower ears told the SUNDAY Hask exclusively. “Patently obviously the aliens had substituted all 23 of our team.”

The 41-year-old pair of cauliflower ears went on to tell the SUNDAY Hask exclusively that he will request answers from the IRB’s Inter-Stellar Rugby Development chief Joel Jutge about the aliens’ role in England’s abject GS failure.

The SUNDAY Hask can reveal exclusively that the 41-year-old human cauliflower hasn’t flipped his florets. A SUNDAY Hask photographer, disguised, in order not to draw attention to himself, as an under-performing ginger right-winger who can’t tackle, joined in England squad training and snapped this shocking photograph.

lancaster_2428809b copyShockingly, an alien with no handling skills is about to occupy Manu Tuilagi’s body leading to dropped easy-peasy passes against Wales.

But all things alien might not be disastrous for English rugby. Our SUNDAY Hask photographer snapped a shocking potential solution to England’s shocking lack of a powerful ball-carrying 8.

Ball_carrying_Alien002Best of all, the footballing 9′ tall, 35-stone alien with a confirmed 0.75 seconds over 40m told the SUNDAY Hask exclusively that its alien Nan is English in a parallel universe.

In other only marginally less shocking weekend rugby news – unless you’re an Embra supporter – Embra ended their season-long embrassment with a comfortable win over an embrassed Ulster, while talismanic leader POC returned from long-term injury to rally Munster to thump Weshties Connacht, laying shock claim to Lions’ leadership in the process, and Treviso – aka Gli Azzurri – picked up where they left off against Ireland by adding to the Blues’ blues.

Meanwhile, it was sadly no great shock that troubled Wallaby Kurtley Beale is reported to have punched his Melbourne Rebels teammate Cooper Vuna while on tour in Bokland, a refreshing change from punching complete strangers.

In a rare reflective moment, the SUNDAY Hask wishes a way could be found to save Kurtley Beale, mainly from himself.

In next week’s bumper action-packed edition of the SUNDAY Hask, an exclusive interview with England’s new powerful ball-carrying 8 including shocking revelations:

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“I accidentally ate Geoff Parling for breakfast.”

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800 Responses to The SUNDAY Hask – March 24th 2013

  1. Yeah, both Australia and England seem to be working hard to diminish expectations regarding the Ashes. Australia are doing are better job of this than England at the moment. We are even better at sucking at sport than you.

  2. ClydeMillerWynant says:

    Had the radio on yesterday while doing the dishes and found myself listening to the HASK telling me he was reading Dostoevsky amongst other things. He was also making porridge. It seems that the HASK and I shared a love of Alistair Maclean novels as teenagers. Found myself warming to him, genial imbecile that he is.

  3. I would love to hear his thoughts on Crime and Punishment. He probably would end up agreeing with Raskolnikov’s logic for killing the old woman. Domination and all that.

  4. ClydeMillerWynant says:

    350 to win.

    Ian Bell will need 1127 balls to get his share at his current rate of scoring.

  5. ClydeMillerWynant says:

    Since the retirement of Ashley Giles my life has been missing pad-play to slow left-arm bowling from over the wicket.

  6. ClydeMillerWynant says:

    He’s probably flogging a horse to death right now. The HASK that is, not Giles.

  7. coddfish says:

    Thought I would watch a bit of cricket whilst waiting for the hot water bottle to warm up the bed. Cricket in Eden Park just doesn’t look right and it’s so strange to have the TV view aligned with the pitch rather than the rugby.

  8. coddfish says:

    Always good to see a match where a draw is the objecive

  9. ClydeMillerWynant says:

    I play five-a-side football with the draw as an objective. Find it very rewarding.

    The tie is also the holy grail of casual Sunday cricket captaincy.

  10. ClydeMillerWynant says:

    Not sure what the rest of the team think the objective is. In either case. From watching them it is unclear.

  11. craigsman says:

    Dermott- yes I did once go to Starbucks but the ponciness I was referring to actually happened at my work canteen.

    On my tip for today, it was actually the Medici cafe not Medina. Clearly haven’t had enough coffee… Plus I have pink eye for some reason and a huge cold. Not firing on all cylinders.

  12. avsfan says:

    Alistair Maclean novels: me too.

    Tobacco is one of the few vices that has never appealed, thank dog.

  13. avsfan says:

    Joe Root has jib.

  14. avsfan says:

    Terrific rear guard from England. Dog, the umpires have made some howlers. Huzzah for the video umpire.

    Chris Broad is my new hero. Faced 23 balls, still on nought, been battered, pounded, floored and still hanging in there. gotta love test cricket.

  15. avsfan says:

    Stewart Broad isn’t it? Now 39 balls without scoring. Prior in the 80’s.

  16. avsfan says:

    Dermott – reworked Blues piece uploaded. I added a new photo, feel free to use any from the first version.

  17. avsfan says:

    Well, gotta turn in. Broad has faced 61 deliveries, still on 0. Supoib.

  18. Tovarishch says:

    and Paul O’ Connell will soon be king of Locks in Europe again

    Only once he can manage a sidestep like Johan Snyman did against Zebre. Look for him and Tipuric to be the new ultra-bosh Wales centres once he qualifies!

  19. Tovarishch says:

    Rothmans

    Used to be until BAT decided to Russify them. Picture of a red telephone box and the Houses of Parliament on the box but inside is something that looks and tastes like a mild Japanese brand.

  20. dermott says:

    Cheers for the work, avs. A star as always.

    New blog up, folks:

    https://artofdomination.wordpress.com/2013/03/26/jonny/

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