THE Easter SUNDAY Hask – March 31st, 2013

????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????Inside this week’s Bumper Easter SUNDAY Hask, your go-to Sabbath Red Top round-up of all things rugby, sometimes factual but more likely entirely invented in order to boost circulation:

FRENCH RUGBY COACH LEFT BONCE-LESS IN SHOCK FROG U-TURN ON FIGURATIVE SPEECH; WEEGIES KO POC IN SHOCK SUNDAY Hask FIGURATIVE SPEECH FIGHTBACK; THROBSHAWLESS QUINS GLAWSED IN SHOCKING SUNDAY Hask PUN; ULSTER ULCERS FOR SHOCKED SUNDAY Hask PUNDIT

The rugby world was reeling this weekend and Philippe Saint-André was left looking for something to scratch after Frog fan suggestions that he be sacrificed for the good of French rugby was taken literally.

The shocking moment captured exclusively [above] for the SUNDAY Hask by our Paris correspondent, Michelangelo Merisi da Caravaggio, our SUNDAY Hask sources tell us Saint-André’s last words were, “Feck! Read Aristotle on the differences between figurative and literal, you bastards!”

Stunned FFR VP Serge Blanco told the SUNDAY Hask exclusively, “I slipped out of the room for a toilet break” – a wee, 135 pies and a carton of Gitanes, according to SUNDAY Hask sources – “and next thing I knew there was a guy with a beard with a pillowslip around his waist and a knife and next thing I knew PSA defined headless chook. Zut alors!”

The SUNDAY Hask believes ex-Les Bleus coach Moustache Lièvremont has gone into hiding fearful that the shock linguistic U-turn will be applied retroactively to Les Bleus fan suggestions that a Scud Missile be jammed up his arse and detonated.

SCUDVASELINEIn other only marginally less shocking weekend rugby news, the Weegies tonked Munster to top the Rabies rabble while Quins proved they can be as ineffective without skipper Throbshaw as they are with him in falling to Glaws for their third consecutive loss. Quins boss Conor O’Shea said he was “devastated” for his players.

SUNDAY Hask sources say O’Shea o'sheawas watchful after the game after reports that a Scud Missile, a jar of Petroleum Jelly and a rubber glove were spotted en route to The Stoop.

And it was Ulster ulcers for this SUNDAY Hask pundit as the NornIrishmen nipped home against Leinster, nixing your pundit’s Rabies tipping clean-sweep in the process.

SUNDAY Hask STOP PRESS Our Paris stringer, Lucas The Younger Cranach, on hand as the FFR and the LNR met to begin negotiations on the FFR’s access to players for international matches, reports headthat the shocking highlight of the dinner on the opening night was the Cassoulet of PSA’s Head as his SUNDAY Hask exclusive snap shows.

Meanwhile, the search for a new French coach continues. The SUNDAY Hask understands there have been no applicants.

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462 Responses to THE Easter SUNDAY Hask – March 31st, 2013

  1. killerline says:

    @FD it’s March isn’t it? Is the invite fore next year?

    I hope no Scotsmen say this first…

  2. @ Ticht
    I still enjoyed it.

  3. @ Killer

    I don’t know why it is now. The email says April 12. The University was on spring break at the end of march, so that might have something to do with it.

  4. killerline says:

    Celebrating the beginning of Spring on a different day…whatever next humanity?

  5. killerline says:

    Shit the blog’s busted.

    AVS/Karl we need a dirty joke to revive things…

  6. killerline says:

    @Porce-Cat the humans have deserted, there’s an outside chance neither of us exist as a result.

    Porce-Cat: ” “.

  7. killerline says:

    @Porce-Cat it seems likely that for all things to be interlinked in the universe, something analogous to the crystallographer’s reciprocal lattice is necessary. In the lattice we have a geometric arrangement where for a repeating structure the information for the entire crystal is contained in the smallest repeat unit of the reciprocal crystal. The universe could be mapped with something similar, but with multi-dimensional complex superpositions of energy signatures in some new reciprocal maths. This is the only way to get around the quantum paradox of the micro and macro being seemingly impossible to resolve together. String theory is likely to unravel and be eaten by a small cat, surely?

    Porce-Cat: ” “.

  8. killerline says:

    @Porce-Cat Who will play out-half for the Lions?

    Porce-Cat: ”Wilkinson“.

  9. Onlyonet says:

    Good luck off the beer killer I had to cut out booze for a year on Dr’s orders.

    First 3 months were toughest. After that didn’t miss it at all, What I really found tough was that it became apparent that do much of my social life was based around the pub/booze. summer BBQ’s were odd I’d find a couple of very decent German non alcoholic beers but its surprising how rubbish the food is at that point

    Good luck

  10. Is this like fairies in Peter Pan? If not enough people believe in you, you die?

  11. killerline says:

    @Only1T cheers mate.

    I’m really doing it because a) I’m a borderline alco and b) it seems ridiculous my fitness work going so well then repeatedly fighting back from massive hangovers.

    There are no BBQs in Gateshead.

  12. killerline says:

    @FD

    Porce-Cat is most a risk of being lost down the back of a sofa as it stands some 11 mm tall.

  13. @ Killer

    That would be quite a shameful thing to happen to a deity.

  14. killerline says:

    @FD

    Stands to reason several earth religions must have been wiped from the globe already, no?

    Likely at least…

  15. Stands to reason several earth religions must have been wiped from the globe already, no?

    It could be the first religion to be lost behind a sofa, however.

  16. killerline says:

    I can find no evidence of it having happened before brother.

  17. dermott says:

    The Bobbsey Twins of BTL. What a shame to interrupt it.

  18. killerline says:

    Bobbsey Twins?????????????

    Where do you get your references Dulux?

  19. dermott says:

    I was going to say the Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson of BTL but I thought it might be in bad taste.

  20. killerline says:

    Anyone but that fecker McCartney…

  21. yesiamclutz says:

    Not Chaz and Dave?

  22. killerline says:

    @Clutz

    now we’re talking.

  23. So, looks like the Rebels coaching job might be available soon. Scotland better sign Scott Johnson fast.

  24. Chekhovian says:

    Thanks for the compliment, killer. I’d make a rubbish loveable rogue. Far too Captain Sensible for that.

  25. saltysam says:

    Happy easter to all of youse yesterday.

    Why is there no crypic crossword in the Sunday HASK? It seems an obvious niche in the red-top weekend market…

  26. beadleclawuk says:

    It’s about 12 hours too late. I know. but I always try to take the Conchords advice on telling Kiwis from Aussies:

  27. avsfan says:

    avs – who’s the face?

    None other than Mr W Barnes, Esq.

    I’ve been lucky to live in some great places, Edinburgh and Brighton being just two, but there are times that I think wistfully of the bizarre spectacle that is the summer village fêtes across the Pyrenees. Or the old men playing petanque, the coffee, the beer (a shepherd’s coffee, as one guy called it when he’d buy a beer at ten in the morning), the quality of food available in the market square, the heat, the crickets, the deer baying at the rut, the hunters losing their dogs every week, the old second world war fire engine that the kids’ bikes were faster than, the lightening storms you can set your watch by on a summer’s afternoon, the scenery, oh my god the scenery, over and above all of that though, the people.

    Right there is the seed of the first in a series of ATLs ticht. Get on it man.

  28. The Bobbsey Twins of BTL. What a shame to interrupt it.

    Are you suggesting an affinity between me and Killer? You couldn’t be more wrong. He is all cold calculating logic, while I am unadulterated Id. Mutual incomprehension is all that binds us.

  29. avsfan says:

    Anthony Boric and Ben May off to Japan. I try to keep telling myself that this overseas exodus will only inspire the next generation of up and comers to stick around. I’m glad they are not going to Europe at least, where they inevitably help drag NH rugby out of the primordial soup it is mired in.

  30. firstdifference says:

    Boric’s not much of a loss. He must be in his late 20s. Expected that he would leave at that age.

  31. firstdifference says:

    Ben May too by the looks of it.

  32. avsfan says:

    Yeah, but the Blues will miss him. And he could conceivably have worked his way back into the ABs. Late 20’s / early 30s is the prime age for locks.

    I assume you at least agree with the primordial soup comment. Porce-Cat does.

  33. firstdifference says:

    I will neither confirm or deny that I agree with the primordial soup comment, I don’t want to be accused of trolling for the millionth time by the prophet of the Porce-Cat.

  34. firstdifference says:

    My heart bleeds for the blues loss, however. Or not.

  35. avsfan says:

    C’mon. Aussies don’t have hearts.

    Oh, these are sad days in deed when knights roam the land saying “Ni” to old ladies, and voices of sensibility and moderation are jeered and ridiculed as bridge dwellers.

  36. firstdifference says:

    I left open that possibility.

  37. avsfan says:

    Shame I do my best work when there is hardly anyone around to admire it.

  38. deebee7 says:

    @avs

    I think it won’t be too many years from now when rugby follows football’s path of selecting players based anywhere in the world. The Japanese league is gobbling up some seriously talented players, adding to the exodus up north. The day rugby takes over from the shoulder pads and tights brigade in the States, I fear SA and NZ will empty out pretty fast…

  39. deebee7 says:

    On a completely unrelated note, avs, perhaps you can clear something up for me. The missus and I spent a fair amount of time rearranging the deckchairs on the Titanic clearing out clutter in the house over the weekend, and the TV was on the cooking channel for quite a bit of that. The difference between the UK and US programmes was astounding for primarily one thing: virtually every single dish on the US channels had sugar in one form or another as a key component. Is it really that bad over there? The food looks awful, simply because everything is either fatty or sweet.

  40. deebee7 says:

    Oh, and we do admire your good work – I generally go through the last couple oif pages of comments when I get in to work, just to get up to speed with current topics. Lost on yesterday’s lot, mind you!

  41. deebee7 says:

    On a vaguely foodie-location note, ticht’s description of living in France is wonderful – I’ve had the pleasure of spending a reasonable amount of time in the greater Paris area, Champagne and the north of France and it’s a wonderland for anyone who loves good, fresh food, plenty of variety in their choice and excellent booze to go with it.

    As such, I read Stephen Clarke’s Merde Actually a couple of years ago, and whilst it was a bit ho-hum, shit actually (at least he was honest with the title), I’ve developed a voracious appetite for green beans and strawberries (not together) reading his descriptions.

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