Inside this week’s Bumper Blessed Notker the Stammerer Day SUNDAY Hask, your go-to Sabbath Red Top round-up of all things rugby, sometimes factual but more likely entirely invented in order to boost circulation:
SHOCK HEINEKEN CUP HEALTH DRAMA LINK; CLERMONT CONKERS; BORG BORE ULSTER TO SLEEP
In a controversial decision bound to rock the rugby world, THE SUNDAY Hask celebrates Blessed Notker the Stammerer Day by lifting the lid on shocking revelations that could see the northern hemisphere’s most prestigious club competition banned by the EU on health grounds.
Heineken Cup officials were evasive when THE SUNDAY Hask sought to confront them with their own damning statistics clearly linking the competition to serious, even potentially fatal health concerns. THE SUNDAY Hask now has no option but to refer the shocking evidence to the EU.
THE SHOCKING EVIDENCE (Parental Guidance advised)
1. All-time Heineken Cup top points scorer, Colostomy Ron, is also the all-time top competition goal kicker.
In addition to his own well-documented health problems, including an inability to kick over a jam tin, calling out “Slip!” when sometime collegue Jonny Sexton was kicking for goal, and emptying his colostomy bag into Sexton’s drink bottle, THE SUNDAY Hask can now reveal exclusively that Colostomy Ron’s dramatic health issues had led to shocking onfield admissions.
2. Even more damning, Colostomy Ron not only tops the all-time list of Heineken Cup appearances, but, shockingly, THE SUNDAY Hask can reveal that the top 9 players on the list of all-time Heineken Cup appearances are Irish. From Colostomy Ron to David Wallace, this damning list is the SMOKING GUN™ that links the Heineken Cup to serious health concerns such as depression and, THE SUNDAY Hask can reveal exclusively, has even led to online incitement to murder with a contract being taken out on a human being’s life.
If further proof of the risk of the Heinken Cup to player and public health were needed, THE SUNDAY Hask invites its readers to consider the Heineken Cup converse in the form of Wales.
The Welsh, who have rarely troubled the Heineken Cup scorers – because, according to a respected analyst of all things Welsh, they wilfully ignore the Saracens business model – are nothing other than a happy bunch of chappies. Not for them serious health issues, incitement to murder, and losing to Italy. This year, anyway.
In other only marginally less interesting rugby news this weekend, Clermont clobbered Montpellier in their Heineken Cup QF and, our THE SUNDAY Hask correspondent reports exclusively, Saracens’ industrious marketing department are lobbying to change the club’s name to Rohypnol.
BONUS THE SUNDAY Hask EXCLUSIVE Coming very soon to an AoD ATL near you, a LIVE ONLINE Q&A with a certified RUGBY LEGEND!
We at THE SUNDAY Hask wish our readers a very happy, safe Blessed Notker the Stammerer Day.