THE SUNDAY Hask – Bumper Blessed Notker the Stammerer Day Edition – April 7th, 2013

heineken-cup-trophy

Inside this week’s Bumper Blessed Notker the Stammerer Day SUNDAY Hask, your go-to Sabbath Red Top round-up of all things rugby, sometimes factual but more likely entirely invented in order to boost circulation:

SHOCK HEINEKEN CUP HEALTH DRAMA LINK; CLERMONT CONKERS; BORG BORE ULSTER TO SLEEP

In a controversial decision bound to rock the rugby world, THE SUNDAY Hask celebrates Blessed Notker the Stammerer Day by lifting the lid on shocking revelations that could see the northern hemisphere’s most prestigious club competition banned by the EU on health grounds.

fleeingHeineken Cup officials were evasive when THE SUNDAY Hask sought to confront them with their own damning statistics clearly linking the competition to serious, even potentially fatal health concerns. THE SUNDAY Hask now has no option but to refer the shocking evidence to the EU.

THE SHOCKING EVIDENCE (Parental Guidance advised)

Colostomy Ron snapped exiting clinic of renowned Kidney specialist, Dr Eponymous

Colostomy Ron snapped exiting the clinic of renowned Kidney specialist, Dr Eponymous

1. All-time Heineken Cup top points scorer, Colostomy Ron, is also the all-time top competition goal kicker.

In addition to his own well-documented health problems, including an inability to kick over a jam tin, calling out “Slip!” when sometime collegue Jonny Sexton was kicking for goal, and emptying his colostomy bag into Sexton’s drink bottle, THE SUNDAY noideaHask can now reveal exclusively that Colostomy Ron’s dramatic health issues had led to shocking onfield admissions.

irishprovinces2. Even more damning, Colostomy Ron not only tops the all-time list of Heineken Cup appearances, but, shockingly, THE SUNDAY Hask can reveal that the top 9 players on the list of all-time Heineken Cup appearances are Irish. From Colostomy Ron to David Wallace, this damning list is irishfansthe SMOKING GUN™ that links the Heineken Cup to serious health concerns such as depression and, THE SUNDAY Hask can reveal exclusively, has even led to online incitement to murder with a contract being taken out on a human being’s life.clock

If further proof of the risk of the Heinken Cup to player and public health were needed, THE SUNDAY Hask invites its readers to consider the Heineken Cup converse in the form of Wales.

The Welsh, who have rarely troubled the Heineken Cup scorers – welshbecause, according to a respected analyst of all things Welsh, they wilfully ignore the Saracens business model – are nothing other than a happy bunch of chappies. Not for them serious health issues, incitement to murder, and losing to Italy. This year, anyway.

In other only marginally less interesting rugby news this weekend, Clermont clobbered Montpellier in their Heineken Cup QF and, our THE SUNDAY Hask correspondent reports exclusively, Saracens’ industrious marketing department are lobbying to change the club’s name to Rohypnol.

BONUS THE SUNDAY Hask EXCLUSIVE Coming very soon to an AoD ATL near you, a LIVE ONLINE Q&A with a certified RUGBY LEGEND!

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We at THE SUNDAY Hask wish our readers a very happy, safe Blessed Notker the Stammerer Day.

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619 Responses to THE SUNDAY Hask – Bumper Blessed Notker the Stammerer Day Edition – April 7th, 2013

  1. yosoy says:

    Has Gatty said anything about his attitude to players based in France?

    He had a huge bitch over the French-based players back in the autumn saying they weren’t fit enough to play Gatlandball. So on that basis alone, I don’t expect more than two of his favourites + one more, maximum, to go.

    I like Hines and Clermont play at a higher tempo than most so he’d be there or thereabouts for me. Plus he can get you in to the fanciest joints in Wagga Wagga.

  2. avsfan says:

    My favorite memory of the 09 tour was Hines squaring up to two Saffer forwards, in the game against the Junior Boks, I think, smiling, holding off one with each arm while they each tried to take a swing at him.

  3. Our trojan horse in the South of France. Planted in Europe over a decade ago to be activated during this upcoming Lions tour.

  4. @ Avs

    It looks like NZ might have McCaw’s heir in Ardie Savea, though it is very early days yet. I haven’t been fully convinced by the other options like Sam Cane and Matt Todd, good players though they are.

  5. Borderboy says:

    Anyway, I’ll need to finish for tonight as I’ll need to go soon and pick up my daughters up from a Meat Loaf (yes, I know) gig.

  6. avsfan says:

    Ardie did look good. Agree with you regarding Cane. Todd just isn’t up to snuff, I don’t think.

  7. laraxwell says:

    I am a very pleased muppet off to his bed.
    Commiserations to Quins fans…much like Ulster -form has deserted when most needed.
    Quins had a dip last year but came good again; I trust Conor will pick his boys up again.
    Munster -what can I say….still managing to pluck good opening nights from lousy dress rehearsals.
    Much better today..Downey and Laulala -at long f**g last some intelligent midfield tactics. O’ Mahony and O’ Donnell were savage. I don’t need to say anything more of O’ Connell..his spiritual presence means much to this team. We still have too many passengers to pose any threat to Clermont but I’ll enjoy this and will sleep well tonight.

  8. I’m drinking a nice beer from Longmont Colorado at the moment, Left Hand milk stout.

  9. ClydeMillerWynant says:

    Plenty of catch-up reading from the weekend. Well done all.

    Congrats to all the winners, especially Munster as underdogs – all deserved from the bits and pieces I caught. Looks like Swindon might be the place to be for the semi-finals. Should be bouncing.

    Can’t believe Campo didn’t get a mention in the punchability stakes. Has to be up there – face, demeanour, ridiculous ability, dodgy opinions – ticks every box.

    Going back a bit and on a more literal front, Derwyn Jones (cheap-shot that it was) and Huw Richards both proved to be extremely punchable.

  10. avsfan says:

    I’ve had a couple of Left Hand brews before, but not the milk stout, I’m sure. I’m having a good, old fashioned macro brew myself – Miller High Life, the Champagne of Beers.

  11. I am starting to regret giving you a Wayne Barnes avatar.

  12. McMeniman out injured possibly for 6 weeks. Probably done his chance for playing against the Lions.

  13. snakkbar says:

    Simon Shaw singlehandedly tearing apart saffer mauls in the second test sticks in the memory too. As does him nearly dissolving into tears during the post-match interview. IIRC, the interviewer offered to give him a hug.

  14. avsfan says:

    Is Timani really off to Europe? If so, seems a huge waste of an international career.

    Regarding the avatar, I think it is time to return to my former pea brained self.

  15. He only arrived in Australia a few years ago. I can’t imagine he cares all that much. Hopefully his brother lopeti sticks around he could be that abrasive six or 8 the Tahs and wallabies need.

  16. Jason Woodward looks like another decent player we have poached from you lot.

  17. avsfan says:

    That’s alright. You’ve assumed responsibility for Russell Crowe, so it all works out.

  18. dermott says:

    Is Timani really off to Europe? If so, seems a huge waste of an international career.

    The bugger’s about 6′ 8″ and a potential monster but has never used it to advantage well enough or often enough. And, for whatever bizarre reason, isn’t a lineout jumper. Probably can’t catch the ball. I think FD’s right, he probably doesn’t care. His younger brother, Lopeti, seems to be a much harder worker.

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