Rescue me: Letters from a lost Wigan soul

Dear Joel,

Thanks very much for t’letter. It was reet good to hear from you down in t’big smoke.

Couldn’t make much out of it meself. Hope it’s good for you. Saw you play in France while ago. I’d like to go to France, but our mam says that we’re off to Skeggy again for us hols. Can you bring me back summat French next time you go? Some onions or summat?

Joel - Mum says they look like this. Get the stick too. Good for scraping soot out of chimney

Joel – Mam says they look like this. Get the stick too. Good for scraping soot out of chimney

Mum and Dad are fine, in good form and pops tells me that his black lung is much better than the last time you saw us. We’ve got a new whippet to replace Bonnie. She’s reet frisky, and loves nothing more than watching us in International matches. Well, against St. Helens.

Joel - just in case you've forgot, like

Joel – just in case you’ve forgot, like

The reason I’m writing this letter, is that summat reet fishy is going on up here.

I’ve been told that we’ve got a world cup coming up, except I asked our geography teacher, Mr. Grindstone, and he tells us that the only places in the world that anyone plays our game is in somewhere called “Australia” and round us parts.

Joel - Mr

Joel – this is where Mr Grindstone says Australia is.

I honestly, don’t know how long I can go on getting beaten by t’ozzies in front of empty stands. It’s getting us down.

As a result, I’m writing this letter to ask you to rescue me.

I’m fucking grand on the pitch with a ball in my hand, but I feel that my talents are being wasted performing before this crowd. I’m not joking, it gets me right down playing “internationals” in front of less people than you’d see at a Kula Shaker reunion gig.

mainpicI’m being paid a good amount by t’club to stay, and I feel like I’m being a bit rude asking this, but can you come and get me?

I’ve got nowt to do with me cash now we’ve done up the conservatory, and mam can only go down bingo so many times a week. cobbles

She reckons cobbles on t’hill are playing right havoc with her posh shoes. I keep telling her that I’ll buy her some more, cos Primark have a two for one special on patent leather ladies’ shoes, but she’s not having it. “Our Sam”, she says to us, “You’ve got to save up my lad. You never know when you’ll need the money, as it’s grim round here.”

Joel - even local Tescos couldn't pay t'rent

Joel – even local Tescos couldn’t pay t’rent

We all know that you play sport to pull t’lasses, and I feel I’ve got more chance landing some quality if someone outside of Wigan knows who I am. London is wall to wall with quality muck, apparently, and I’m told less of them smell of chip fat. Which is a bit of a disappointment, but I can put up with it.

Anyway, give our Chrissy a slap round chops for me, and I’ll be waiting in a packing crate outside the Little Chef at Worksop Services on 24th June. I don’t mind bunking down at your place till I can get somewhere for me sen, and I promise I won’t take up too much space for too long. I hear that you’ve got a nice Fez picked out for us, but you know I’ll not be giving up Grandad’s flat cap any time in the near future.

Anyway, big brother, I’m really desperate, so if you can make this happen, I’ll be reet grateful and promise to steal you that Ford Cortina like I should have done when we were lads.

Yours faithfully,

Sam.

As intercepted from a lost racing pigeon somewhere in South Yorkshire by Dr. Claws Cat

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540 Responses to Rescue me: Letters from a lost Wigan soul

  1. MVML, not adverse to Colliers Wood again next year.

  2. tcod says:

    Congrats MVML, Great News.

  3. meadesian says:

    Colliers Wood good for me. I will make reservations at our usual hotel RoS.

  4. July 19th and 20th in Leeds. Was just the northern set but happy to open it up to the masses.

  5. avsfan says:

    Congrats MVML. Good man.

  6. MisterIks says:

    @Chek – sorry if this is a bit indelicate but what was the outcome with your cats?

  7. MisterIks says:

    Congrats MVML, I think for becoming a Dad?

  8. Bioface says:

    Many congrats MVML!
    I’m looking forward to when you run out of rugby metaphors and move on to cricket. If only for the word ‘crease’.

  9. fair play MVML, congrats to all…..will one be going for a bonus point win???

    mrs just called me a f**kin Bollix, I flicked from the Dortmond game at 2-2 to the Madrid game to see if Gala had gone 4-1 up, she says ‘what ya doing, the only bit of exciting football I’ve seen in years and ya chang e the channel’, flicked back – Dortmond 3-2 Malaga, “ya fuckin’ bollix, cant believe ya did that”

  10. tcod says:

    @bioface
    Bowling a maiden over?

  11. MichaelVaughanMyLord says:

    If we did Colliers Wood again I could definitely pop in for one or two or eight.

    Are you northerners planning on doing anything when the tour goes to Yorkshire? We are planning on making the journey.

    Must go, Mrs MVML has been giving me strange looks while I’ve been sat here smirking.

    Thanks all again. What a terrific place we have created here.

  12. Bioface says:

    @tcod
    Keeping your end up on a sticky wicket?

  13. Monnem says:

    “FFS! FFS” – or words to that effect.

    And congrats MVML – I got me one of them last year. He can already pass off both hands (in my dreams).

  14. Bioface says:

    OK a touch too much perhaps.
    Need to recalibrate my filters after a long absence from here.

  15. tcod says:

    @Bioface
    I’m afraid that’s the extent of my appropriate cricket puns. I understand the game and sometimes like to watch it, but I’m by no means knowledgeable on the subject.

  16. MichaelVaughanMyLord says:

    Helmet splattered by one that didn’t get up as much as expected.

  17. Monnem

    makes more sense than “KJH! KJH”

  18. Expro would be a Test match specialist, if all were to be believed.
    mrs might say I’d be good for an over in 20/20, all swinging no sunstance

  19. tcod says:

    A classic MVML. Drying my eyes.

  20. Bioface says:

    @tcod
    I’m not sure my ability to sound filthy with some cricket double entendres translates to expertise but I know MVML is a big cricket fan so it was a (crap) tribute really.

  21. MisterIks says:

    Has anyone mentioned a full toss yet?

  22. tcod says:

    @Bioface
    Obviously the sentiment was appreciated by the man himself.

  23. Bioface says:

    Reminds me of that great Jonners commentary about Botham when ‘he couldn’t quite get his leg over’.

  24. tcod says:

    As much as I enjoy it here with all you witty people, I’m off to read something a little heaver. Have a good evening.

  25. Bioface says:

    Looking forward to seeing the nightshift ‘shimmy forward and give it the treatment’, but the umpire has raised his finger to me so I’m off to bed. Night all.

  26. Dermot

    End this filth before the nightshift

  27. Tovarishch says:

    Does anyone else find this sort of thing a bit weird?

    Future Lion on the basis that his pass is a lot faster than Phillips’s

  28. avsfan says:

    Chek really has dragged the level of discourse down into the gutter here today, hasn’t he?

  29. @TCOD

    me too, reading the second of Ken Follets Century trilogy Winter of the World….harmless stuff but it gets me to the bed a bit earlier than sat in front of the TV

    @Bio
    nightshifts take on it will be good reading tomorrow

  30. Tovarishch says:

    1.30 and I can’t sleep! Interesting to read the spitting discussion. It has become the norm in Russia for all males, no matter age or education to spit at least 3 times a minute. If they smoke they spit after every drag. It dives me mad but the real problem is that the standard technique is to rotate the head 90 degs. and spit sideways. I have started wearing waterproofs on my bike even in summer to avoid being phlegm-ed!

  31. crashtopuss says:

    Huge congrats to MVML on some last-gasp relentlessness that seems to have out-done even Munster’s 35 phase drop goal long after the 80 minutes had gone against Saints a HC or 2 ago.

    @Chek

    As much as I’m flattered by the offer of “no-strings attached hardcore rutting” I’m afraid I’m the sort who can’t seperate love and sex and will have to kindly refuse your offer.

  32. crashtopuss says:

    Just me? Well, it’d be rude if I didn’t at least attempt the steal.

  33. crashtopuss says:

    *Pounds away at the line with a fury that would make MVML proud*

  34. crashtopuss says:

    WOOHOO! Blog copulation steal!

  35. @MVML

    I’ ll leave the metaphors to those more adept at them like yourself and others above and simply say congrats.

  36. crashtopuss says:

    Now, after having lowered the tone more than Chek with a mass-CC’ed email, I think that’s me done for the evening.

  37. Chekhovian says:

    I still hate you all.

  38. @Chek

    I think you should try Crash for the Larping weekend, but thanks for the offer. How is your Uncle getting on???

  39. I still hate you all.

    That’s not nice.

  40. laraxwell says:

    Ok I’ve just read back as far as the feller stuck in yhe stairwell…did you get him out chek?
    also killers charming monikers…there ought be a muppet category- there are many of us

  41. laraxwell says:

    Chek just needs a late bus ride to get his lurve juices flowing

  42. Chekhovian says:

    @Lara

    Yes, some other kind soul freed him.

    @FD

    Apart from you, obviously.

  43. @ chek

    Glad to hear. I would never stoop to making jokes about emails unlike some .

  44. crovier says:

    Is I Jeremy related to I Claudius?

  45. ElSuavo says:

    Chek, I’ll look at my personal email account when I get home.
    MVML – tempered congrats, old sport, on your imminent delivery. These things tend to be double-edged swords so watch your fingers!

    Night-shift workers agree that spitting should be dealt with severely, but is an entirely different issue from general violent play so no conflation of offence/punishment is appropriate.

  46. crovier says:

    @fd ahhh…now it makes sense

  47. ahhh…now it makes sense

    It does? Interesting.

  48. kobw says:

    Okay lads

    Here is a topic of discussion

    Has any of the great teams of all-time not had a great midfield partnership?

  49. tichtheid says:

    Here is a topic of discussion

    Has any of the great teams of all-time not had a great midfield partnership?

    I have a feeling it might be deebee and me before dermott starts a new topic, but what the heck.

    Having looked up the midfield in the first ever RWC winning side, I don’t remember anything about Joe Stanley and Warwick Taylor except that the latter shares a name with someone I dislike. Maybe our Kiwi contributors can better describe them, they were up against what I’ve previously described as the best combo I’ve seen in Sella and Charvet. Was that New Zealand side great? They were good enough to win the first world cup, but they weren’t the most exciting side ever to grace a rugby field.

    It’s funny though, looking through those teams, the New Zealand midfield are the only two players I have no recollection of, including the subs on each side.

  50. Utnapishtm says:

    Smokin Joe Stanley was a very good centre indeed. Taylor more solid and workmanlike but still decent.

  51. Utnapishtm says:

    SA in 95 (does winning wc make a team qualify as great?) hardly had the most inspiring centres in Le roux and Muller (i think)

  52. ElSuavo says:

    Joe Stanley was a legend in NZ mostly for his tackling. Generally the tacklee tried to avoid being hit a 2nd time. Had great technique and seemingly it was like running into a concrete truck.
    For details about Warwick Taylor, check out http://stats.allblacks.com/asp/profile.asp?ABID=878

  53. tichtheid says:

    does winning wc make a team qualify as great?

    I was struggling with that one, but I guess you have to have some sort of criteria or one man’s greatness is another’s lucky bastards.

    When you call him Smokin Joe Stanley, he takes on an altogether different appearance, U.
    I like the name Smokin Joe Stanley.

  54. tichtheid says:

    The first time I ever saw Michael Lynagh in a test was at centre with Andrew Slack, some mug called Ella played fly half.
    That 1984 Wallabies side was a great team, I think.

  55. Utnapishtm says:

    @ticht
    That 84 wallabies team was almost the definition of great. They are almost into folklore

    Unfotunately, one of the coaches, Alec Evans went on to coach wales in wc 95 and tried to recreate the Ella Lynagh Slack midfield by playing Neil Jenkins at 12 outside Adrian Davies with Hall at 13. It was unpleasant

  56. dermott says:

    New blog up, people, but I’ll leave this one open for a little bit to accommodate the slower folk amongst us.

    https://artofdomination.wordpress.com/2013/04/10/do-baby-kiwi-androids-dream-of-electronic-sheep/

  57. dermott says:

    Right, Tov, that’s it. Forty minutes. Ample time.

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