Do Baby Kiwi Androids Dream Of Electronic Sheep?


Rejoice, the time has come. The Inter-Galactic Rugby Football Union (IGRFU) had spotted the potential of the game on planet Earth through close observation of its Northern and Southern hemisphere competitions.


“Fat bastards in the North who can’t run or pass, skinny bastards in the South who can’t tackle. This can’t go on, Vern.”

They were concerned about the lack of skills and tries in the North and thought the South’s Pooper Scooper efforts promising but naive.

At a meeting of the IGRFU on the planet known to you earthlings as OGLE-2005-BLG-390Lb – between 3,300 and 21,500 light years from Earth depending whether you travel Express or RyanSpace – they resolved to act.

Their strategy was for a squad of 35 of us born in 2013 in diverse locations but predominantly the Southern Hemisphere.

Our parents were carefully selected for the task and we each have special characteristics derived from our parents’ running and handling skills and physical attributes.

I am one of the Chosen Ones.

carterbabyMy father rested from the Crusade in South Africa in order to supervise the formulation of the training program.

lots-of-babiesOur mission is to win RWC2039 as a mixed-sex team representing planet Earth. RWC2039 will be an inter-galactic competition hosted on planet OGLE-2005-BLG-390Lb at the Mork Stadium.

Planet Earth’s representative Richie McCaw has taken a sabbatical to travel to OGLE-2005-BLG-390Lb to negotiate terms with the IGRFU. The IRB’s penny-pinching saw McCaw travelling RyanSpace which may compromise his negotiating abilities on arrival.


Richie McCaw arrives on OGLE-2005-BLG-390Lb at a distinct negotiating disadvantage

Others of us are already amongst you. Sadie O’Driscoll has already joined me, Marco James Carter, as a Chosen One with the more mature Archie Barnes under consideration for inclusion despite inheriting his father’s 70s porn-star ‘tache. Tests are being conducted on Isaiah Kepu, Aaron Strokosch and Rossalie du Plessis as I write this on my Fisher Price iPad.

iPadThe Farrell family had been missioned to produce a Chosen One, but Farrell Snr got his timing wrong by about 21 years, and Farrell Jnr is, according to IGRFU monitors, jettisoning his bombs before the misson has been completed.

Lying on the wrong side of the ruck

Specialised training in lying on the wrong side of the ruck

Meanwhile, specialised training in key rugby fundamentals goes on.

In addition, the word around the changing tables is that hyper-specialised breeding programs are underway in the Southern Hemisphere to improve blatantly obvious existing weaknesses.


Southern Hemisphere intensive prop-breeding program

Finally, the IRGU’s strategy to improve the standards of rugby coaching on Earth is being retooled after first-generation coaching models including Kidney and Saint-André were found to have short-circuited, with Deans’ wiring hanging by a thread.

Found by Coddfish scribbled on a Wet-One in a Rotorua shopping centre baby-changing room

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1,078 Responses to Do Baby Kiwi Androids Dream Of Electronic Sheep?

  1. crashtopuss says:

    I couldn’t even get past the headline on this one. God-damn is CIF becoming a parody.

  2. yesiamclutz says:


    I’ve never even heard of 6 of them, and I watch a lot of films. Cat has special tastes indeed doesn’t he,

  3. PlanetoftheChimps says:

    I’m quite relieved to say I’ve seen nothing on that list.

    Read the book of Stephen King’s Langoliers though. Pretty typical Stephen King fare

  4. yesiamclutz says:


    Just scanned it, apparently getting your titties out is racist now… !?

  5. laraxwell says:

    Big Cheese

    all to win

  6. crashtopuss says:


    Couldn’t even bring myself to scan it. If some Ukranian woman exposing herself to Putin is now suddenly racist and colonialist to non-white women then you know the Guardian has finally (after many fine attempts) jumped the shark altogether. And probably harangued the shark for being called a “great” white.

    As for the films; at this stage considering his hipster-glee in digging up the shitest of the shit I’ll give Cat the benefit of the doubt and assume nothing is too obscure for him.

  7. laraxwell says:

    Kids in bed by 7.25?
    I like your work

  8. killerline says:


    *Sharp inhale of breath through teeth*

    What you’ve got here is a killed blog. The transmission’s gone on it.

    I’ve got some parts in the van, I’ll see what I can do for you.

  9. yesiamclutz says:

    Lara in the kitchen, with a pistol, at 7:54pm

    Apropos of nothing, heres’ some ridiculous bike porn

  10. ElSuavo says:

    At the risk of killing the blog, I propose a change to Sag’s new title:
    Keeper of the Strap TawseMaster General

  11. killerline says:

    Well, tried restarting it using the Clutz/Elsuavo method.

    Still struggling.

    I might have a hire-blog you can go home in tonight, pick this one up in the morning when I’ve had a proper look at it…

  12. ClydeMillerWynant says:

    Hmm kids in bed, Mrs CMW in bed with ‘orrible stomach bug. What this blog needs is a story that combines the two elements of a dodgy ticket with the demise of dear old Mrs T. Here goes.

    Between the somewhat traumatic birth of the second CMW jnr and the return from hospital some days later of Mrs CMW and said infant it was absolutely necessary to get down the pub for some serious self-medication. A friend of mine runs what I’ve always considered to be a pretty tasteless enterprise – one of these celebrity death-list things which amounts to a sweepstake on which of a selected set of (in)famous types will cark it first. He had about 15 out of 70-odd tickets left. I have always refused to have anything to do with it, but having spent some time in the company of Mr Talisker and Mr Laphroaig ended up asking if Thatcher was still in the hat. She was, but I was told I couldn’t just have her, but would have to take my chances like everyone else. Said no, but some whiskies later chucked him my pound and to general raucous celebration and hilarity pulled her out.

    9 weeks later she’s dead and I’m £70 richer. Felt bad about this business, but a couple of nights ago stumbled downstairs in the middle of the night to find a breastfeeding Mrs CMW watching an interview with her from 1987. 5 minutes later felt better about the money, but worse about the world.

    Hope there’s no nonsense next Wednesday (sure there will be mind) as there really isn’t any point and people should keep their own dignity regardless of what they think of hers.

  13. ClydeMillerWynant says:

    Nobody else in this house can control when they’re going to go to the toilet. Might as well open a bottle as there’s no way in the world I’ll be going to work tomorrow.

  14. killerline says:

    An apt tale, Clyde.

  15. ClydeMillerWynant says:

    Yes, just have to decide what to do with the loot now. Was thinking of trying to play it up at the bookies, but seeing as a more fitting tribute would be to gamble away everything I own and just keep the £70 for when it all went wrong I’ve decided not to bother.

    Anyway, enough of that sort of thing.

    What matches will you be taking in over the weekend? Not expecting to see anything beyond Scarlets Glasgow myself.

  16. ClydeMillerWynant says:

    Seems a long time since Scarlets got a win at Glasgow early in the season. Was one of the games when Priestland was doing his best to ensure they scored in multiples of 5 so scoreline was much closer than it should have been. Not very confident of repeat I have to say.

  17. killerline says:

    Scarlets at Glasgow?

    Let’s put it this way, I’d not hurl your freshly won £70 on an away win.

  18. ClydeMillerWynant says:

    Nope – Glasgow coming to Wales. Same applies though I think as I don’t see the Scarlets pack being up to it. Backs haven’t been scoring that much recently either. If Scarlets were to win it will give the Ospreys a big problem (they’ll effectively need to win away at Leinster and Glasgow just to qualify for the playoffs in which they would have to do something similar again to win the thing). Might also worry Leinster a little too as they have a two hard games left and aren’t quite sure of their spot yet.

    I don’t bet on rugby anyway. Only gambling is on racing as that’s what it’s for so it doesn’t spoil it.

  19. ClydeMillerWynant says:

    On which note Mrs T paid out at a slightly better price than the National winner (didn’t have that one) which was a nice touch to my mind.

  20. ClydeMillerWynant says:

    Having looked back through the blog I see the Weedgies have left a lot of talent on the bench. Doesn’t mean they won’t use it of course. Perhaps they don’t see the need for Matawalu’s high-risk high-reward style as they expect to boss it up front and kick. Hope they don’t revert to that as they’ve been a really good watch recently.

  21. ClydeMillerWynant says:

    Leisurely blog-steal that featured a trip to the garage to clean the fluff-filter and empty the condenser of the tumble-dryer. Guess you lot of shot your loads getting to a million posts or whatever it is.

  22. MisterIks says:

    I’ve seen 3 of those 7 films. The Hand is ridiculous – no amount of movie-magic can disguise its just a hopelessly un-scary idea for a monster. And it was a remake of a Peter Lorre version which also didn’t work, although it was closer in spirit to the psychological horror of the original short story – The Beast with 5 Fingers.

    Can I get a badge for knowing stuff even if it’s not very scientific please?

    And by the way, that ‘half-assed’ selection of movie monsters is in itself half-assed. There are 100s of worse examples out there if you really know your monster movies.

    Cat would cackle behind his cape at that puny list.

  23. killerline says:

    Only gambling is on racing as that’s what it’s for so it doesn’t spoil it.

    And sweepstakes on dying politicians, obviously.
    That’s what they’re for so it doesn’t spoil it.

  24. ClydeMillerWynant says:

    Fair point. And that is what they’re for. They’re certainly not for seizing the moral high ground it has to be said.

    I also get bullied once in a blue moon into a lottery syndicate for big rollovers as I can’t contemplate turning up to work to find the place deserted and my former colleagues millionaires to a man.

  25. ClydeMillerWynant says:

    MrIks – I too have seen some of The Hand whilst passing in and out of consciousness late at night. Not in a rush to catch the whole thing.

  26. ClydeMillerWynant says:

    Anyone else ever fallen asleep whilst reading aloud? This happened to me the other night (several hours before the Thatcher interview) and was a pretty unnerving experience.

  27. MisterIks says:

    @Clyde – hats off to waking up from time to time during The Hand – quite a feat of stamina and endurance. Hope your family GWS and you manage to bypass the dreaded lurgy.

  28. ClydeMillerWynant says:

    Thanks MrIks – I’m sure we’ll survive.
    Two films spring to mind which literally caused nightmares as a result of watching them in fits and starts between short bouts of sleep: Manhunter and Lost Highway. The latter may well have caused nightmares regardless to be fair.

  29. ElSuavo says:

    Lovely tale of unexpected riches there, Mr CMW. A classic win-win in my opinion.

    Am at work, but steeling myself for another angst-ridden evening with the Highlanders taking on the might of Australia’s finest, the Brumbies. A couple of the Highlanders All Blacks have been demoted to the bench (No9 A. Smith and No10 C. Slade) presumably to give them a hurry-up about their form. The replacement No9 is Tanaka who has looked sharp when he’s come on and I hope he makes the most of this opportunity.
    But we are looking down the barrel of a 7th straight defeat and while the level of FEAR is high, the level of HOPE is low.

    Is it just me & Mr CMW in the dinghy?

  30. ElSuavo says:

    Sorry Pooch/MrIks, didn’t see you snuggled down int the dingy’s laundry cupboard…

  31. ClydeMillerWynant says:

    Might get my first proper look at Super Rugby if I’m lucky then. Caught 20 minutes of Reds against someone the other week. I’m notionally a Highlanders fan after spending the entirety of our NZ holiday on the South Island. As an inveterate supporter of underdogs there was only one team to choose…

  32. avsfan says:

    CMW – perhaps donate the lucre to your local soup kitchen. Apropos, somehow.

  33. ClydeMillerWynant says:

    Had a look and kick-off will be too late for me. Eldest will be up by then and that’ll be that. Good luck to them anyway.

  34. tichtheid says:

    CMW, Glasgow are taking the match very seriously, it’s must win for them if they are to get to the play off and especially if they are to get a home tie. Townsend has made a few surprise selection this season and so far they have paid off. Matawalu can be a bit wild, if it comes off, he’s unstoppable, but he often tends to try too much on his own. He’ll be on the pitch by 60 mins though, as will the rest of the bench. I admire the selection of Bennett in the centre, he’s a future full Scottish cap for sure, though I have to admit surprise that Lamont isn’t starting, same with Ryan Grant and Tim Swinson, otherwise it’s strong side.

    Should be a good game.

    I’ll be up at my normal time of half five, tomorrow, hopefully I’ll have done my early chores and I’ll get to watch the Highlanders, although I think I’ve brought Edinburgh’s form to them.

  35. tichtheid says:

    If you need a good place to put the seventy quid, CMW, I’d heartily recommend a Laphroaig 18 year old or a similarly aged Talisker – have a drink on Maggie.

  36. ClydeMillerWynant says:

    avs – have had thoughts along those lines. Might treat myself to a bottle of single malt first seeing as my stocks took such a hammering in the debacle that led to the incident in the first place, but there’ll be enough left after that to be worth giving.

  37. ClydeMillerWynant says:

    Ticht – was just about to ask for a suggestion and there you are in there ahead of me!

  38. kobw says:

    Deebee bo,

    But SAF didn’t win Tri Nations in 2007. Or 2008. Or 2006. Or 2005. They win in 2009 because the way the SH played the ELVs suited them nicely. I believe SAF got a charmed run in 2007 (not there fault of course).

    As for 1991 AUS were best at the tourney. Had ended ABs unbeaten run earlier (1990 I think). But I’m pretty sure NZ and ENG were still favoured ahead of him.

    France were the best NH team in the 1980s IMO

  39. ClydeMillerWynant says:

    Ryan Grant is the one I was shocked to see left out as the place to stuff the Scarlets is the front five.

  40. ClydeMillerWynant says:

    Of course if I want a drink of that quality there won’t be much change!

  41. ClydeMillerWynant says:

    France were the best NH team in the 80s in everyone’s opinion.

  42. ClydeMillerWynant says:

    Very much enjoyed the bottle of Tobermory that I brought back from Mull last summer. Tempted by another from there.

  43. tichtheid says:

    … and Jon Welsh doesn’t even make the bench – not sure about that prop selection. Cusack is out injured. Glasgow’s props are ridiculous in their strength in depth – they were all crocked early in the season though.

  44. tichtheid says:

    I’ve just looked up that Campagnolo set – yours for the knock down price of £2200

  45. ClydeMillerWynant says:

    Glasgow look safe for a play-off spot to me, but ending up third would be a danger for them I guess.

    Had a look at the scarlets line-up and it’s very strong. They have no depth up front (hooker aside…) but the first team are not without a chance. A lot depends on how Samson Lee goes and whether Phil John has one of those games where he gets away with it.

  46. killerline says:


    humid-state microsanding on carbon fibre parts, new opaque finishing procedures on aluminium parts and new treatments for often overlooked technical pieces

    I’d want better technical details for my 2200 notes.

  47. ClydeMillerWynant says:

    Piss-taking aside Owens and Rees are two good hookers to choose from even if Rees is past is best (ca 2009 – sadly analysis of promising stool samples ultimately led to the conclusion that the long-time search for a truly world-class Welsh hooker goes on).

  48. ElSuavo says:

    It looks like I’ve gone & thrown everyone overboard.
    Might as well get on with some work

  49. ElSuavo says:

    Ooops. Misjudged the population by being stuck on last post of previous page. And not for the 1st time.

    Really should try to learn from my mistakes.

  50. ClydeMillerWynant says:

    ES – you might be the only one left now. Enjoy the game later on. ‘Night all.

  51. laraxwell says:

    Sorry just read the Masters Q
    I didn’t go for any of the big favourites
    I went for Stenson, Els, Z Johnson and B V Pelt
    All w/o Woods
    Couples best senior
    I closed up my online accounts so just small cash stakes

    @Avs- I read Hawking’s ‘ A brief history of space and time’ some years back..a quarking read!

  52. ElSuavo says:

    Look like it’s just you & me, lara, and I am having to do some work…
    Interesting that Garcia has got off with a hiss & a roar, leading (alongside Aussie Mark Leishman) on 6-under. Still, long way to go yet.

  53. As for 1991 AUS were best at the tourney. Had ended ABs unbeaten run earlier (1990 I think). But I’m pretty sure NZ and ENG were still favoured ahead of him.

    Australia beat NZ 2 out of 3 in 1991, won the bledisloe in 1992 and then again in 1994. With a backline including Farr Jones, Lynagh, Horan, Little and campese. A forward pack of Kearn McKenzie, Daly, Eales, Morgan, Ofenghaue. They were a great side.

  54. Australia had beaten England 40-15 in the build up to the 1991 World Cup.

  55. Left Rodd McCall out of the pack. How many two times world cup winners does NZ have?

  56. avsfan says:

    How many two times world cup winners does NZ have?

    Scraping the barrel there FD. How many Wallabies players have been part of a dynasty that held the Bledisloe for a decade?

  57. @ Avs

    The answer is zero.

    Just acknowledge that the players I idolized as an 8 year old and maybe overly attached to were the last great international team of the amateur era and this can all end peacefully. If you don’t, I just don’t know what will happen.

  58. ElSuavo says:

    Doubt you were idolizing the All Blacks, FD. But they were the last great international team of the amateur era.

    Sorry to butt into your post, ES, but this blog automatically closed itself.

    New blog up, and a first in the history of rugby blogs – in fact, a first in the history of the internet:

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