Inside this week’s Bumper Blessed Peter González (aka St Elmo) Day SUNDAY Hask, your go-to Sabbath Red Top round-up of all things rugby, sometimes factual but more likely entirely invented in order to boost circulation:
QUINS’ CUNNING CONSPIRACY SUNK IN SHOCK DISPLAY OF COMPETENCE; SALE SOCK GORMLESS GLAWS; KIWIS KICKED IN KODS; CARTER’S CUNNING KIDDIE QUEST
The rugby world is rocking and Blessed Peter González (aka St Elmo) is rolling on his Saints Day as THE SUNDAY Hask exclusively reveals the stunning Quins conspiracy that was left in tatters yesterday at The Stoop.
Chasing their fourth consecutive Premiership loss, Quins’ shock display of competence in beating Bath upset coach Conor O’Shea’s cunning conspiracy to emulate the Gatland-Howley Theorem™. THE SUNDAY Hask can reveal exclusively that the G-H T™, devised by Messers Gatland and Howley for the Welsh team, dictates that eight consecutive losses leads directly and without fail to the winning of a trophy.
THE SUNDAY Hask can also reveal exclusively on this Blessed Peter González (aka St Elmo) Day that O’Shea was immediately attracted to the concept of the G-H T™, telling our undercover THE SUNDAY Hask insider at The Stoop: “A trophy? Oi’ll be having a bit o’dat!”.
Speaking exclusively to THE SUNDAY Hask, G-H T™ co-mastermind Gatland confirmed that Conor O’Shea had gained access to his and Howley’s G-H T™. “Conor sent a spy to one of our planning sessions”, Gatland told THE SUNDAY Hask through one of his chins.
“He should have told the spy to wear a disguise, but then he’s Oirish, isn’t he?”, added Gatland through another chin.
G-H T™ co-mastermind Howley told THE SUNDAY Hask exclusively that O’Shea had misunderstood the basics of the G-H T™ regardless. “He didn’t have eight matches left in the season”, laughed Howley. “But then he’s Oirish, isn’t he?”
O’Shea’s stunning strategy to string together eight consecutive losses included sending his squad to Spain in the week before the Bath encounter with orders to get rat-arsed 24-7 on Sangria.
THE SUNDAY Hask understands that the trip, in fact, contributed to the sinking of the Quins mentor’s shocking strategy when it was found that as many as half of the squad’s airline tickets had been
sold to Munster fans, leaving as many as half of the Quins players tucked up in bed at home sober and rested, a recipe for an outbreak of competent rugby if ever there were one.
THE SUNDAY Hask further understands that Quins have launched an investigation into the ticket fiasco with blame-laden fingers being pointed in the direction of the UK’s most infamous ticket tout. “The ticket I won’t sell is yet to be printed!”, Karl told THE SUNDAY Hask exclusively on strict condition of anonymity.
Speaking exclusively to the THE SUNDAY Hask, Sale mentor Steve Diamond was characteristically modest about his achievement: “I don’t f*** around with Gatland-Howley Theorems™. I just sack twats.”
Meanwhile, Kiwi rugby fans were kicked in the kods and left reeling after three of their four Pooper Scooper teams lost, including the ‘Saders going down to the journeymen Western Farce. The ‘Saders were missing 10 supremo Daniel Carter, ostensibly with a hamstring strain, though THE SUNDAY Hask can report exclusively that Carter is so besotted with parenthood that he is undergoing partial sex-change surgery in order to double his output of rug rats.
COMING NEXT WEEK IN YOUR BUMPER THE SUNDAY Hask
EXCLUSIVE! DAN CARTER’S TOP TIPS FOR INSEMINATING YOURSELF
THE SUNDAY Hask editorial team wishes its readers a safe and happy Blessed Peter González (aka St Elmo) Day.