THE SUNDAY Hask – Bumper Blessed Peter González (aka St Elmo) Day Edition – April 14th, 2013

722x270_1WM_SITE_CM_CWR_182 copyInside this week’s Bumper Blessed Peter González (aka St Elmo) Day SUNDAY Hask, your go-to Sabbath Red Top round-up of all things rugby, sometimes factual but more likely entirely invented in order to boost circulation:

QUINS’ CUNNING CONSPIRACY SUNK IN SHOCK DISPLAY OF COMPETENCE; SALE SOCK GORMLESS GLAWS; KIWIS KICKED IN KODS; CARTER’S CUNNING KIDDIE QUEST

The rugby world is rocking and Blessed Peter González (aka St Elmo) is rolling on his Saints Day as THE SUNDAY Hask exclusively reveals the stunning Quins conspiracy that was left in tatters yesterday at The Stoop.

Chasing their fourth consecutive Premiership loss, Quins’ shock display of competence in beating Bath upset coach Conor O’Shea’s cunning conspiracy to emulate the Gatland-Howley Theorem™. THE SUNDAY Hask can reveal exclusively that the G-H T™, devised by 6NMessers Gatland and Howley for the Welsh team, dictates that eight consecutive losses leads directly and without fail to the winning of a trophy.

THE SUNDAY Hask can also reveal exclusively on this Blessed Peter González (aka St Elmo) Day that O’Shea was immediately attracted to the concept of the G-H T™, telling our undercover THE SUNDAY Hask insider at The Stoop: “A trophy? Oi’ll be having a bit o’dat!”.

Connor+O+Shea+Harlequins+v+Connacht+Rugby+lB6pr8M_gKKl

Speaking exclusively to THE SUNDAY Hask, G-H T™ co-mastermind Gatland confirmed that Conor O’Shea had gained access to his and Howley’s G-H T™. “Conor sent a spy to one of our planning sessions”, Gatland told THE SUNDAY Hask through one of his chins.

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“He should have told the spy to wear a disguise, but then he’s Oirish, isn’t he?”, added Gatland through another chin.

G-H T™ co-mastermind Howley told THE SUNDAY Hask exclusively that O’Shea had misunderstood the basics of the G-H T™ regardless. “He didn’t have eight matches left in the season”, laughed Howley. “But then he’s Oirish, isn’t he?”

O’Shea’s stunning strategy to string together eight consecutive losses included sending his squad to Spain in the week before the Bath encounter with orders to get rat-arsed 24-7 on Sangria.

THE SUNDAY Hask understands that the trip, in fact, contributed to the sinking of the Quins mentor’s shocking strategy when it was found that as many as half of the squad’s airline tickets had been

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Munster fans suck up Quins’ secret Sangria stash

sold to Munster fans, leaving as many as half of the Quins players tucked up in bed at home sober and rested, a recipe for an outbreak of competent rugby if ever there were one.

THE SUNDAY Hask further understands that Quins have launched an investigation into the ticket fiasco with blame-laden fingers being pointed in the direction of the UK’s most infamous ticket tout. “The ticket I won’t sell is yet to be printed!”, Karl told THE SUNDAY Hask exclusively on strict condition of anonymity.

In other barely less shocking weekend rugby news, relegation-threatened Sale sank finals pretenders Glaws to virtually ensure their Premiership survival. diamond

Speaking exclusively to the THE SUNDAY Hask, Sale mentor Steve Diamond was characteristically modest about his achievement: “I don’t f*** around with Gatland-Howley Theorems™. I just sack twats.”

Meanwhile, Kiwi rugby fans were kicked in the kods and left reeling after three of their four Pooper Scooper teams lost, including the ‘Saders going down to the journeymen Western Farce. The ‘Saders were missing 10 supremo Daniel Carter, ostensibly with a hamstring strain, though THE SUNDAY Hask can report exclusively that Carter is so besotted with parenthood that he is undergoing partial sex-change surgery in order to double his output of rug rats.

COMING NEXT WEEK IN YOUR BUMPER THE SUNDAY Hask 

EXCLUSIVE! DAN CARTER’S TOP TIPS FOR INSEMINATING YOURSELF

THE SUNDAY Hask editorial team wishes its readers a safe and happy Blessed Peter González (aka St Elmo) Day.

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880 Responses to THE SUNDAY Hask – Bumper Blessed Peter González (aka St Elmo) Day Edition – April 14th, 2013

  1. Chek, got a crombie tweed for £17 in a second hand store. Rrp £300.

  2. Chekhovian says:

    @RoS, love it. Good work.

  3. killerline says:

    @Blog

    I’ve personally seen RoS wearing a gilet.

    Didn’t seem ironic.

    (RoS hope I’m not talking myself out of lunch Friday)

  4. Nothing wrong with a gilet. No need for irony.

  5. killerline says:

    @RoS that’s the spirit!

    Never give up.

  6. MisterIks says:

    @Mr. Meades. I picked up you were away in old Europe for a few days, but the time seemed to drag on and on!

    It evoked the same sort of dread when typing a ‘humorous’ remark on here, knowing Killer is cocked and watching…

  7. MisterIks says:

    Where did all these geography teachers come from?

  8. MisterIks says:

    Too tired for a blog steal. Sleep well out there.

  9. killerline says:

    @Iks
    I don’t know how to react to that remark…
    Processing…………………………………………

  10. meadesian says:

    You’re far too kind MisterIks. Returned on Saturday, but tonight my first opportunity to post.

    Visited the museum of miniatures in Lyon (I know how to live, by dog), and was fascinated to learn that most miniature makers start their careers as cabinet makers. I have a couple of pictures of some rather fine miniature cabinets. Not Hungarian though.

  11. sunbeamtim says:

    Meades (Pierre ) , welcome back . Find any good architecture ? Hope you have come back to defend Karl , hes got himself into a bit of hot water , and needs a hand .

    FREE KARL , KARL IS INNOCENT .

  12. killerline says:

    I’m a Karl Supporter.

    MVML would have been too busy inspecting the grounds, or what ever well-to-do-people do.

    A victim-less crime.

  13. avsfan says:

    Karl is guilty. The question is whether or not what he is guilty of is a crime.

    Of this I say: It is not.

    Justice For Karl.

  14. Anarchists the lot of you.

  15. @Avs

    So if the force can beat the Crusaders, what do you think they are going to do to the Highlanders?

  16. Also, given the abysmal record of NZ in cross conference games this year, do you think you would be better off with only 4 teams? Your depth seems too stretched with 5.

  17. meadesian says:

    Tim, indeed I did, some magnificent stuff to be seen in Grenoble. Highly recommended for any Modernists among us.

    Having met Karl I can state with confidence that his moral integrity is impeccable, nay impeachable. I will defend him from these malicious imprecations and innuendo, spread mainly by gilet-wearers as I understand it.

  18. elsnoopio says:

    Wife’s cousin and her husband to be had left the finish area not long before the bomb went off.
    Really good friend’s sister in law was out on the course at the same time as well.

    Thankfully they’re all okay but it is a scarily small world sometimes.

  19. elsnoopio says:

    @Meades

    Having met Karl I can state with confidence that his moral integrity is impeccable, nay impeachable</b<.

    Damning comment there Meades.

  20. elsnoopio says:

    @snoop
    And poor HTML there, snoop.

  21. laraxwell says:

    I agree Meades
    He is deserving of the Freedom of Limerick

    I am on tooth fairy duty tonight
    My daughter tells me the going rate is a fiver

    Bloody cheek!

  22. Thankfully they’re all okay but it is a scarily small world sometimes.

    Good news.

    I am dreading the next few days. I really hope the Republicans don’t goad Obama into being more authoritarian than he has been regarding civil rights.

  23. avsfan says:

    So if the force can beat the Crusaders, what do you think they are going to do to the Highlanders?

    Lose. KKK?

    Also, given the abysmal record of NZ in cross conference games this year, do you think you would be better off with only 4 teams? Your depth seems too stretched with 5.

    No. We’ll just take back the Kiwis poached by the Aussie franchises, and we’ll be fine.

  24. laraxwell says:

    Bloody hell snoop
    Glad to hear it
    Poor innocent sods

  25. I am on tooth fairy duty tonight
    My daughter tells me the going rate is a fiver

    Even the tooth fairy was infected with the inflation brought on by the Celtic tiger years? Though presumably the rate hasn’t changed much since 2008.

  26. @ Avs

    I am sure Mike Harris wil enjoy getting off the bench.

  27. meadesian says:

    Oops, spotted my possibly Freudian error there Snoop!

    Glad to hear your friends/family are all OK.

  28. It’s a bit too early for a KKK. They don’t play until round 15. Unlike Killer I don’t go leaping into these things willy nilly, I only do it when I am pretty certain, like when the Tahs beat the Blues.

  29. meadesian says:

    I presume the tooth fairy is on a central contract and therefore getting hefty tax breaks, in addition to price-gouging.

  30. killerline says:

    @FD live a little

  31. @ Killer

    As the Ali Williams episode proved, losing to AVS can be very costly. The Kiwis are a vindicative and merciless lot, Avs went easy on you, he won’t be so kind to me.

  32. avsfan says:

    It’s a bit too early for a KKK. They don’t play until round 15. Unlike Killer I don’t go leaping into these things willy nilly, I only do it when I am pretty certain, like when the Tahs beat the Blues.

    I didn’t realize it was that far away. If it was next week, I’d back the Highlanders. Statistically, they must be getting close to a win. Hell, even the Kings have managed a couple.

    And I appreciate the twist of the knife that accompanies that last phrase.

  33. ElSuavo says:

    So true, FD, so true. Being as you are Australian Avs would seek cruel and unusual vindication.
    ‘Sonly right.

    And 1 more vote for the ‘flip-flop’ wearing in all non-winter, non-golfing situations (unless mandated against by senior managers at work – we all have to eat, right?)

  34. firstdifference says:

    That would be an example of the gamblers fallacy, Avs.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gambler's_fallacy

  35. tichtheid says:

    They are “jandles” where you come from aren’t they, El Suavo? I knew a Kiwi who had a bottle opener in the sole of his jandles, it was an Aussie invention apparently.

    Oh and just for Tov if you are reading – the lineout should have been reset, law 19.2b if you’re interested.
    “For a quick throw-in, the player may be anywhere outside the field of play between the place where the ball went into touch and the player’s goal line.”

  36. ElSuavo says:

    Avs, they play their old enemy, the Crusaders this week so it isn’t about to happen any time soon.

  37. ElSuavo says:

    @Ticht, it would be ‘jandals’ actually (japanese sandals), but yeah, they’re the ones. By end of summer many kiwis have brown tanned insteps with a distinct V-mark with the point of the V between the big toe & the one next to it. They’re no good for playing golf in, mind.

  38. tichtheid says:

    Ah, I only ever learned Kiwi phonetically.

  39. dermott says:

    ElSuavo, rest easy. I fixed your HTML bold boo-boo.

Comments are closed.