Brian Moore: Not In His Words – Or Even By Him

When I catch the utter Dave impersonating me on the internets...

When I catch the utter Dave impersonating me on the internets…

Regular readers are probably sick to death of me banging on about the same single issue in print, when interviewed, and when commentating. But this single issue is slowly killing the game at the top level, preventing it from flowing and pulling the entire front row into the firing line.

No one wants to go a game of rugby and see endless breaks in play, which is why the IRB must intervene in order to keep the sport we love a game for all shapes, sizes and abilities. I have therefore used this forum as an open letter to the IRB, outlining a number of ways the laws can be changed in order to improve the scourge of the modern game: the pass.

Too much passing can result in the removal of all distinguishing features

Too much passing can result in the removal of all distinguishing features

1) Get rid of “the zip”

Players passing in the modern day are currently focusing on “the zip”. This sees one player pass as quickly and flatly to another as possible in order to gain a competitive advantage in the play that follows. Clearly the speed of the ball travelling decreases the likelihood of another player, in particular the front row forward, being able to catch it. Everyone bar the most discombobulatingly stupid should see the advantage of slowing passes down to catchable speeds.

Even illustrations can't catch a pass with too much zip

Even illustrations can’t catch a pass with too much zip

2) Sequential passing

It is proven that the success rate of the passes to forwards decreases the further the ball has to travel. Therefore everyone bar the nationalistic and myopic should see that sequential passing is the way to improve the completion rate and keep the game flowing.

For those unsure of how such an act could work, here is a brief explanation. When a player intends to pass, he or she must walk to another player and extend their arms with the ball in hand. The intended recipient then securely places his or her hands on the ball before the original carrier can release it.

Our models demonstrate the correct passing method

Our models demonstrate the correct passing method

3) Grip

Advances in modern ball technology have seen skin-tight man-made materials used in the ball instead of the old baggy pig’s bladder we used in the amateur days. Props cannot get a grip legally, which leads to them bringing the ball to the ground and re-start after re-start. As such, I recommend an overhaul of the shape and surface of the ball to allow the ball to be successfully passed between forwards. I have included a preliminary sketch below:

Fully functioning prototype

Fully functioning prototype

4) Education of referees

There is an expectation among elite-level referees that passes to front row forwards will be caught and that anyone not doing so should be penalised. Clearly no self-respecting front-rower would intentionally not catch a ball. Referees should therefore be selected from sympathetic ex-front rowers who realise the intricacies of catching while overweight and gasping for air.

An acceptable referee

An acceptable referee

images (2)With these simple and frankly obvious tweaks, our great game will be saved and we will forever be able to enjoy sights like this.

Don’t deprive the world of this magnificent spectacle IRB. Act now before someone puts him on a calorie-controlled diet.

RoS’ whereabouts are currently unknown, honest Brian.

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About sagmog

Just the facts, man.
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1,195 Responses to Brian Moore: Not In His Words – Or Even By Him

  1. sagmog says:

    Impressive failure to score from Morrison there.

    It’s a natural talent that.
    Never been coached for that play.

  2. thaumaturge says:

    Think Connacht have something left here.

  3. famkeflaviasandwich says:

    looks like I picked up £212,000 on the Ulster, ////dragons, Warriors treble

  4. sagmog says:

    Oh well, apparently the scrum-half wasn’t the best player on the pitch.

    His passing from the ruck has been horrible in fairness.

  5. ClydeMillerWynant says:

    Sag – an appropriate way for him to sign off?

  6. killerline says:

    Anyone think rugby’s too long?

    So many games get completely disjointed after 60 minutes when 16 new players come on.

  7. ClydeMillerWynant says:

    I know what you mean, but he was involved in all the best things that happened in the game.

  8. LarryM says:

    Flattering, but I’ll take it.

  9. crashtopuss says:

    To paraphrase the Joker about Connacht; “There’s a little fight in you, I like that!”.

  10. crashtopuss says:

    Henderson is what we’d call in my neck of the woods ‘a baysht’.

  11. killerline says:

    Hudson, The Joker, who’s next on the Crash-o-quote?

  12. crashtopuss says:

    Hudson, The Joker, who’s next on the Crash-o-quote?

    And now, if I may court some controversy, I shall quote a famous man-bot; “Anyone think rugby’s too long?

    So many games get completely disjointed after 60 minutes when 16 new players come on.”

  13. avsfan says:

    Jaybus, Munster…… the Dragons? I assume they were fielding a second string in anticipation fo the Heinie.

  14. ClydeMillerWynant says:

    Glasgow very good with the ball. Their defence is pretty much always good, but they do seem to like to do a lot of it. A team that can win the posession the Ospreys did and has some idea what to do with it will give them a problem though. In a weird sort of way the O’s could have won that match but for the lineout despite all the class coming from Glasgow.

    Will Jackson be back in if Weir is out? That can certainly go one of two ways if he is.

  15. tichtheid says:

    Better than last week for Glasgow, but they are too willing to take their foot of their opponent’s neck. They should have put the Hairsprays away by half time, they were that much better.

  16. crashtopuss says:

    @avs

    Closer to a C-side. But even still, it’s the Dragons.

  17. avsfan says:

    Warburton as captain is taking the piss, shirley.

  18. Borderboy says:

    To be fair to Jiffy, he gave Glasgow a lot of credit at the end (and never mentioned forward passes once!)

  19. yesiamclutz says:

    Evening all

    @Crash

    Who said that? Sounds like a blithering idiot!

  20. ClydeMillerWynant says:

    To be fair to Jiffy what he said at half-time was also fair enough i.e. Glasgow deserve to be in front, are very well coached and have worked a few things out about the Ospreys, three passes were forward. That he was also disappointed by the state of affairs (chiefly the scoreline) would also seem understandable.

  21. yesiamclutz says:

    @avs

    Wut…. [goes away to read papers… comes back]

    Seriously what da fuck!? Has Gatland not heard of “Do what your opponent least wants?”

  22. killerline says:

    Anyone think life’s too long?

    So many humans get completely disjointed in their last 16 years.

  23. crashtopuss says:

    @clutz

    He’s certainly blithering alright. Not sure about the idiot part.

  24. killerline says:

    Anyone think Devin Toner’s too long? Etc.

  25. crashtopuss says:

    Anyone think Danny Cipriani is too pretty to play rugby past 30?

  26. killerline says:

    @Clutz

    Too many teams using the bench as a weapon.
    Stifles the game as a spectacle most times.

    The commentator in the Connacht/Ulster game was relieved when all the Ulster replacements were on so he could stop announcing the changes.

    I didn’t mean 80 minutes is too long per se.

  27. laraxwell says:

    Ok I’m off to pub

  28. crashtopuss says:

    Right, I’m off for the evening.

    Night all, and congrats to any Dragon’s fans reading.

  29. killerline says:

    I’m off to stalk. Lenny and Karl…

  30. Borderboy says:

    Looking at the Rabo table – Glasgow have scored more points than everybody except Ulster and have a better defence than everybody except Ulster, have more bonus points than anybody, yet will probably still miss out on winning it as they’ll probably have an away semi-final. Last week’s load of mince vs the Scarlets looks as though it will be the difference and with Weir out (probably for a long time) Jackson may come back in next week, it looks as though the semis are the best Glasgow can hope for.

  31. ClydeMillerWynant says:

    BB – The Ospreys are what they are and could win in Dublin regardless of what happened tonight. That should sort things out for Glasgow.

    They could also lose. By lots.

  32. yesiamclutz says:

    @BB

    I hate single leagues that go to knockout rounds on principle I have to say.

    As a general question though, how predictable is the top 4 in the Rabbo 12 year to year?

  33. ClydeMillerWynant says:

    “I hate single leagues that go to knockout rounds on principle I have to say.”

    Glasgow shouldn’t as they wouldn’t be winning the thing without playoffs.

  34. ClydeMillerWynant says:

    Re Rabo top four: Munster, Leinster and Ospreys are the regulars. The other place changes a lot. Looks like two of them will miss out this year though. Also looks like Ulster and Glasgow will be regulars for a while.

  35. Borderboy says:

    @Clyde – I hope so. It’s amazing what Townsend has done, considering he was vilified for being Scotland’s attack coach when we could not score tries (we had Cussiter, Parks, Morrison, Lamonts & Evanses) and yet Glasgow score for fun – a prop making 20 yard runs through the defence, off loads galore. All helped by Matawalu, of course who gives Glasgow something extra that Laidlaw (good as he is) can’t for Scotland.

  36. tichtheid says:

    BB. I think Greig is playing to a game plan, Niko is a different kettle of fish altogether. There aren’t many scrum halves I’ve seen this season who offer what he can in terms of the undefendable attack, however he is not great on Laidlaw’s strength – quick accurate ball from the base of the scrum – although Laidlaw is told (I think) to use the box kick too often.

  37. famkeflaviasandwich says:

    new manager on the Late Late show, dunno what he is on about volume on mute

  38. Borderboy says:

    And on BBC Alba’s home baking tonight, we have a Spinach, nuts and Feta cheese pie.

  39. famkeflaviasandwich says:

    he is on because his son Luke has an illness

    Tubridy has brought up the Ireland job and his POC comments

  40. famkeflaviasandwich says:

    he expects to know by end of next week

  41. Seriously what da fuck!? Has Gatland not heard of “Do what your opponent least wants?”

    We really don’t want Robshaw as starting 7.*

    *He says enacting a devious plan inspired by Brer Rabbit*

  42. tichtheid says:

    I’m not going for a late night blog steal, I’m just noting this down so as I remember it; Adam Jones is the only Os Lions player nailed on atm, the camera angle didn’t allow a decent view of what was going on between him and Grant, but on tonight’s showing, they would make a decent pair of starting props in Oz

    Tipuric was outplayed by Barclay.

  43. tichtheid says:

    You only posted to make my claims of a steal look foolish, FD.

  44. Ticht, my trolling of the english is pure and far more high-minded than that.

  45. tichtheid says:

    I’ve got that too warm with the jumper, too cold without, thing at the moment. Life is not the bed of roses Chez Ticht you all thought it might be.

  46. tichtheid says:

    Ah FD, my apologies, you are doing Dog’s work there, please carry on.

  47. Cut the bottom of the jumper off so it exposes your midriff. Best of both worlds.

  48. I’ve realized this KKK is harder than it looks. You have to choose an avatar that imposes the appropriate level of humiliation without punishing your self for a week. I have got the balance right this week.

  49. tichtheid says:

    The idea of me sitting here in a crop top jumper is almost too much to bear, FD, I’m not David Beckham.

  50. That should say “haven’t got”.

  51. tichtheid says:

    I had the same problem when I imposed the most homoerotic Pierre Spies kissing a phallus-like trophy pic on the Graun. I was sorry I did it.

  52. avsfan says:

    I am forgetting my manners: Congratulations FD on the Tah’s win. They are definitely an improved outfit from last year, and have beaten the top two NZ sides in recent weeks.

  53. avsfan says:

    Back to haunt ya, FD. Howdya like them budgies?

  54. I doubted that coaches had that big on influence in the past, but the effect that Jake White has had on the brumbies and now Cheika at the Tahs has put those doubts to rest.

    Sorry to butt into yourpost, FD. New blog up:

    https://artofdomination.wordpress.com/2013/04/20/countdown-to-the-lions-squad/

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